


Don't You Remember

by discordandrhythm



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-04 21:42:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 118,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordandrhythm/pseuds/discordandrhythm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an accident that wipes out ten years from his memory, Kurt wakes up to find that he is married - of all people - to Sebastian Smythe. Through the struggles of recalling lost memories, and coming to terms with this future that is so different from the one he'd imagined, he learns to fall back in love with Sebastian. But it's not an easy journey.  Originally written fro a GKM prompt</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
  
Sebastian was woken up by the shrill sound of his cell phone. The ringtone was harsh enough to wake the dead, a purposeful move on Sebastian’s part to ensure that no matter how deep of a sleep he may have fallen into, he woke up when the phone rang. He grabbed for it, his voice hoarse when he said, “Hello?”   
  
“Sebastian.” It was Burt. “Good news kiddo. Kurt’s awake.”   
  
Sebastian swung his feet off the bed and stood up fast enough for his vision to swim. Ignoring the sudden disorientation, he stumbled towards the bathroom, phone still pressed against his ear. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”   
  
_   
  
Sebastian flew through the hospital corridors, hastily acknowledging the nods he got from the nurses who were by now well acquainted with his face. They were smiling at him with a knowing look and it only made Sebastian’s heart speed up and his desire to see Kurt heighten.   
  
When he got to Kurt’s room, he found Blaine waiting outside. He grinned when he saw Sebastian and Sebastian could see that his eyes were rimmed red from crying. Sebastian knew that Kurt’s accident had been hard for Blaine. Their breakup in junior year of college hadn’t impacted their friendship at all and the two were still as close as they had been when Sebastian had first met them. Blaine was an important part of both his and Kurt’s life, probably the only person apart from Kurt who Sebastian could confidently call a friend. He had been there for Sebastian throughout the week Kurt had been unconscious. If it hadn’t been for Blaine and Burt, Sebastian would have cracked under the stress not two minutes after the accident.   
  
“Hey,” Blaine said when Sebastian finally reached him. “I just got here. Burt’s inside. The doctor’s talking to them and he told us to wait just a couple more minutes until he’s done checking up on Kurt.”  
  
Sebastian nodded and leaned down to draw Blaine into a tight hug, inhaling deeply. Blaine smelled like hospital corridors and stale coffee but Sebastian still turned his face into his neck, his heart feeling light. “He’s okay,” he whispered shakily into Blaine’s ear, a lump forming in his throat. “Kurt’s okay.”   
  
“I know,” Blaine replied with a small laugh, patting his back. “I told you he would be.”   
  
Sebastian pulled back. “I can’t thank you enough for being here. I don’t know what I would have done without you, killer.”  
  
“Hey, none of that okay. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t here for you guys when you needed me?”   
  
Sebastian looked away from Blaine’s shining eyes to the window of Kurt’s room. He could see the outline of Doctor Hendricks and Burt standing over Kurt’s bed through the blinds. Kurt was sitting propped up on some pillows but his face was obscured by Burt’s form. It made Sebastian even more impatient and he tapped his foot and crossed his arms, turning back to Blaine.   
  
“Trust Kurt to wake up when I’m not here,” he said, shaking his head. “He couldn’t have chosen a time when I was sitting vigil by his bedside? Now I’m going to get endless crap about how I wasn’t there when he woke up.”   
  
“You’re looking forward to every teasing comment aren’t you?” Blaine asked with a smile.   
  
“Obviously.”  
  
Sebastian was just about to ignore the doctor’s request and barge in to Kurt’s room when the door opened and Burt came out. The look on his face made Sebastian’s grin waver and his stomach clench. “What’s wrong?”   
  
“Kurt’s fine,” Burt said but his brow was still creased. “He’s just – he uh.”   
  
“Burt, what is it?” Sebastian demanded.   
  
Burt looked at him hesitantly. “He seems to have lost a great chunk of his memory.”   
  
“How big a chunk?” Sebastian asked slowly.   
  
Burt took a deep breath. “About ten years. Still thinks he’s eighteen.”   
  
Sebastian felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. “You mean he – he doesn’t remember  _at all_?”   
  
Burt’s answer was interrupted by Doctor Hendricks walking out. She gave them all a brief smile before saying, “He’s asking for Blaine.”

Sebastian felt tears welling up in his eyes, hot and stinging. Blaine met his gaze looking panicked and slightly guilty but he walked past the doctor into the room where Kurt was waiting for him. Sebastian was vaguely aware of Burt’s hand on his arm and the doctor explaining how memory loss was sometimes common amongst head injury victims but all Sebastian could think of was Kurt inside the hospital room. A Kurt who probably didn’t even care that Sebastian was standing outside desperate to see him, a Kurt who still thought he was eighteen, at the peak of his love for Blaine and resentment for Sebastian.   
  
“Mr. Smythe, I know this is hard but -”  
  
“You’re fucking right it’s hard!” Sebastian snapped, his whole body shaking. “My husband just had ten years of his memory wiped clean!”   
  
“Mr. Smythe, please. This is a hospital. You need to -”   
  
“Don’t tell me what I  _need_  to do -”  
  
“Sebastian, take a deep breath, son.” Burt said, tightening his grip on Sebastian’s arm. Sebastian looked at him and saw the sympathy and understanding in his eyes. He knew. Burt knew exactly what this situation meant for Sebastian.   
  
“Kurt seems stable for the time being, we’re going to run some tests and keep him here for maybe a night or two more just to make sure everything’s fine.” Doctor Hendricks said once Sebastian had taken three shaky breaths. “The memory loss is by no means permanent,” she said gently looking straight at Sebastian. “There’s more than a ninety five percent chance that he’ll recover his memories over time. You just need to find the right prompt. But until then, try and take things slowly. It can be overwhelming to find out that you’ve missed ten years of your life. It’s hard for the families but it’s equally hard, if not more, for the patient.”   
  
Sebastian nodded, lips pressed together. “Can I go see him?” he asked, forcing his voice to remain steady.   
  
“Of course, just remember to be gentle.”   
  
Sebastian frowned. “By gentle you mean...” he trailed off, narrowing his eyes when Burt and Doctor Hendricks exchanged a look. “Great.” Sebastian said, shaking his head and fighting back more tears. “Really great. So now I’m not even allowed to tell him that I’m his husband?”   
  
“All the doctor means here, kid is that dropping such a big bomb on Kurt isn’t really the smartest thing to do right now.” Burt said. “Just, take it slow for the moment.”  
  
Sebastian closed his eyes and took another deep breath. He could stand here and keep arguing but he desperately wanted to see Kurt. “Fine,” he said. “Whatever.”   
  
The second his hand closed on the doorknob of Kurt’s room, his heart started beating wildly in his chest. Neither of the room’s occupants noticed him enter and Sebastian took advantage of the fact to just take in the sight of Kurt. ( _Alive. He’s alive. He’s alright._ )   
  
Kurt and Blaine’s hands were twined together on the bed between them. Any other time, Sebastian wouldn’t have thought about it twice, he was so used to their level of physical comfort with each other. But knowing that right now, Kurt in his mind was madly in love with Blaine, the gesture felt like a punch to Sebastian’s heart.   
  
Kurt finally caught sight of him standing there and frowned. “Sebastian?” The sound of Kurt taking his name after so long almost broke him right then and there but Sebastian forced himself to remain calm for Kurt’s sake.   
  
Blaine turned around at the mention of his name and Sebastian noticed how he discreetly pulled his hand away from Kurt’s.   
  
“What are you doing here?” Kurt asked.   
  
“I’m here to see you, idiot.” Sebastian replied.   
  
“Why would you care about -” Kurt paused, “Wait. Did you have anything to do with my accident?”   
  
“What, no.” Sebastian said, walking up to stand beside where Blaine was sitting. “Why would you think that?”   
  
“What other reason would you have to come see me?”   
  
Sebastian swallowed the lump in his throat. “In the future -  _god_  that sounds stupid,” he said, his body starting to quiver again. He rubbed his forehead with his palm, catching the cold sweat beading there before he forced a smile on his face. “We don’t hate each other as much as we used to.”

“I’m going to go call Rachel.” Blaine said suddenly, standing up. “I couldn’t get through to her last time I tried. She’ll want to know Kurt’s awake.”   
  
Sebastian frowned. Rachel already knew. She had called him minutes after Burt had and said she was so sorry she couldn’t get out of rehearsals to come to the hospital immediately but she would be there as soon as they were over. There was no way Blaine didn’t know that. Sebastian couldn’t stop a small, grateful smile from spreading across his face when he realized Blaine was probably using the excuse to give him and Kurt some time alone.   
  
“Wait, no. Don’t go.” Kurt said, grabbing Blaine’s wrist. Blaine hesitated but gently pulled himself free of Kurt’s grip. “I’ll be just a second,” he said softly.  
  
Sebastian waited until the door shut behind him to take his vacated seat next to the bed. Kurt was looking at him curiously. “How are you feeling?” he asked, resisting the urge to reach out and take Kurt’s hand like Blaine had.  
  
“Confused.” Kurt said. “So we’re what, we’re friends?”   
  
“That’s one way of putting it,” Sebastian said, unable to hide the sadness in his voice.   
  
“Wow,” Kurt breathed. “How did that happen?”   
  
“Funny story, actually.” Sebastian said with a small grin.  
  
“The last I remember of you is after you’d assaulted Blaine with that rock salt slushie. We’re decidedly not friends. Or at least... we weren’t. I don’t know I -” Kurt let out a frustrated huff. “Ugh, I can’t remember anything.”   
  
“Don’t pressure yourself too much.” Sebastian said. He didn’t even realize he was reaching for Kurt’s hand until his palm was draped over the backs of Kurt’s fingers. Kurt tensed and immediately pulled his hand away. Sebastian tried to stop the hurt from showing on his face. 

  
“Can you please send my dad in?” Kurt asked, not meeting Sebastian’s gaze.   
  
Sebastian stood up and nodded, ignoring the sinking feeling inside him. “Yeah. Yeah, sure.”   
_  
  
Sebastian stayed at the hospital while the doctors ran their tests. He took a seat at the far end of the waiting room and listened to Blaine apologize over and over until Sebastian finally snapped and told him to shut up; it wasn’t his fault that Kurt had lost his memory and that he was still helplessly in love with Blaine.   
  
He kept twisting the wedding band on his finger, as if twisting it enough would turn the clocks in Kurt’s mind back to the current time and make him remember everything.   
  
It was cruel joke. All of it. That Kurt would forget the precise years where he and Sebastian had developed a close friendship, fell in love and decided to stay together other until death do them part. That he would rewind back to a time where Sebastian meant nothing to him, when he was just an irritant in his path. When their interactions were filled with nothing but insults flinging back and forth.   
  
Sebastian wasn’t aware that he was crying, not until he felt a hand on his shaking back and looked up to see Blaine’s looking at him with glassy eyes.   
  
Sebastian didn’t want to be around him at the moment, couldn’t bear to look at him without thinking of how Kurt saw him. But he couldn’t help himself from leaning against him either. He lay his head on Blaine’s shoulder and let his tears continue to fall silently.

Burt came out after a while and told Blaine that Kurt was asking if he was around again. Blaine gave Sebastian another guilty look (he was starting to get really irritated by them) before he left. Sebastian didn’t miss the way his steps were brisk, impatient to see his best friend. If Sebastian hadn’t been forced to stay in the waiting room with a cup of the hospital’s cheap coffee, he would have smiled at him, teased him until Blaine blushed and told him to shut up.  
  
“How’s he doing?” Sebastian asked as Burt sat down beside him. He looked tired, his stubble flecked with specks of white and his eyes watery either from crying or lack of sleep.   
  
“He’s fine, still a little woozy from the meds. Had a lot of questions. Told him I would answer all of them once the doctor finished their stupid tests.”   
  
“Did he ask about me?” Sebastian asked in a hopeful voice.  
  
Burt gave him a sympathetic look. “He asked me if you two becoming friends was the weirdest thing to happen to him in ten years.”   
  
Sebastian smiled a little, “What did you say?”   
  
“No,” Burt said with a small grin. “Wait till he finds out you’re married.”   
  
Sebastian’s shoulders slumped and he put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe he doesn’t remember.”   
  
“I gotta give it to you, you’re handling this better than I would under the same circumstances.” Burt said. “I can’t imagine how badly you must want to be with him right now.”  
  
Sebastian was quiet for a moment. He was right; nobody could imagine the pain Sebastian was going through. 

“Break things down slowly,” Doctor Hendricks had said. “Preferably have someone he trusts answer his question,” she had looked at Sebastian with a smile at the words. A smile that Sebastian hadn’t returned because the last person Kurt had trusted at eighteen had been him. Doctor Hendricks knew Sebastian was Kurt’s husband, she didn’t know that he had also been the one person Kurt had hated with a fierce passion at one point in his life. The same point he was stuck in at the moment. All she was concerned with was that they didn’t freak Kurt out with the news that he was married when really, it was more the fact that he was married to  _Sebastian_  that would freak him out more than anything.   
  
“Sebastian?” Burt laid a hand on Sebastian’s back like Blaine had and Sebastian sat up, unable to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks when he looked at his father in law.   
  
“He’s  _my husband_ , Burt. I was the one they called after the accident, I was the one who held his hand every night and begged him to come back to me.  _I_  should be the one he asks for not -” Not Blaine. Sebastian took a shuddering breath. “I feel like I saw him more when he was unconscious.”   
  
Sebastian felt guilt wash through him in waves when a voice in his head said that he would rather have Kurt unconscious if that meant he got to see him again, touch him again, whisper everything he would only ever tell Kurt.

Blaine came out of Kurt’s room fifteen minutes before the visiting hours ended. “Come on,” he said to Sebastian. “I’m taking you home.”   
  
“What? No. I’m family. I’m staying.”   
  
“Sebastian, you’re exhausted and -” Blaine hesitated.   
  
“And Kurt couldn’t care less if I stayed, right?” Sebastian asked in a bitter voice. “So might as well go home and have a good night’s sleep while my husband goes on believing that I’m still the jerk I was in high school who just happens to be a friend now.”  
  
Blaine sighed and sat down next to Sebastian. “Burt’s going to talk to him tonight,” he said. “Once he’s got the basics down, it’ll be easier for him to process everything else.”  
  
“I know Blaine, I heard the doctor.” Sebastian knew he was being kind of a bastard to Blaine right now but he couldn’t bring himself to care. When he looked back up at Blaine and saw that there was only understanding in his gaze, he sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I shouldn’t -”  
  
“You are absolutely mad if you think you have to apologize to me right now,” Blaine said. “If you want to stay the night, I’m not going to stop you. But as your friend who loves and cares about you, I’m asking you to let me take you home. Stressing and exhausting yourself more than you already have isn’t going to help you. Or Kurt.”  
  
Sebastian nodded. “You’re right,” he said. “I just wish I could see him one more time before we left.” He looked at the doors leading down to Kurt’s room with longing, missing the way Blaine smiled.   
  
“You left your jacket in Kurt’s room earlier,” he said.  
  
“I wasn’t wearing a jacket.” Sebastian said.  
  
“You were.” Blaine insisted. Sebastian frowned at him, irritation bubbling inside of him again at Blaine’s smile. Why the hell was he smiling – oh.   
  
“ _Oh_ ,” Sebastian said, eyes wide and a grin spreading across his face. “Blaine Anderson, I could kiss you right now.” 

_

  
Kurt was alone when Sebastian entered his room. He looked up expectantly when he entered but frowned when he saw it was Sebastian. “What are you still doing here?” he asked.   
  
“I forgot my jacket,” Sebastian said, looking around the room and spotting the jacket draped over the foot of Kurt’s bed.   
  
Kurt didn’t seem to recall that Sebastian hadn’t been wearing a jacket because he just said “Oh.”   
  
Sebastian moved towards the bed slowly, wanting to draw this out as long as he could. “Feeling any better?” he asked.   
  
Kurt shrugged. “I feel fine. Tired but fine. They’re not telling me anything.” His mouth twisted the way it did when he was annoyed. Sebastian wanted to bundle him up in a hug.   
  
“What do you know so far?” he asked instead.   
  
“I’m twenty eight, living in New York City and recovering from a car accident that left me in a coma for a week, and wiped out ten years from my memory.”   
  
“Wow. So much information. Are you sure you can handle all of it?” Sebastian asked, grinning when he saw Kurt roll his eyes in agreement.   
  
“Every time I asked them something more specific they’d just say that I was pushing myself too hard. It’s not like I’m any less pressured  _not_  knowing anything about my life.”   
  
“Well what do you want to know?” Sebastian asked. “Maybe I can help.” 

Kurt looked at him with a frown. “Don’t you have to leave? Visiting hours have ended.”   
  
“I can spare a few minutes.” Sebastian said.   
  
“Well I definitely want to know how the hell we became friends. I’m still having a hard time believing that it’s actually a possibility.” Kurt said, shaking his head.   
  
Sebastian smiled. “I’ll tell you. But you can’t push me for details. Deal?”   
  
Kurt rolled his eyes but he was obviously desperate for any scrap of information because he said “Deal.”

Sebastian sat down in the vacant chair and Kurt angled his body towards him, face expectant. “There was a coffee shop near my campus where I used to hang out,” he started. “It was close to where you were interning at the time and we kept bumping into each other a lot.”   
  
“Seriously? A coffee shop?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow. “As if stalking me at the Lima Bean wasn’t enough -”  
  
“Hey, I was at this shop first.” Sebastian said with a grin. “Anyway, you were new to the city and going through some trouble at the time.”  
  
“What trouble?”   
  
“No pushing for details, remember?”   
  
Kurt huffed. “Fine. But I have another question.”   
  
“Okay.”   
  
“When exactly did you stop being a jerk and why did we forgive you after what you did to Blaine?”   
  
“I never stopped being a jerk; you just learned to love me despite it.” Sebastian said without thinking. He caught himself when Kurt frowned, looking uncomfortable. “Um. I mean. I apologized, obviously. There were certain events that took place that made me re-evaluate a lot of things and yeah – we put the slushie incident behind us.”  
  
“It’s not something you can just forget about.” Kurt said, his face suddenly dark.  
  
Sebastian felt his stomach churn at the turn of events. “I told you, I apologized.”   
  
“And we forgave you just like that?” Kurt asked with a raised eyebrow.   
  
“It was a slow process but yes, you did. We weren’t in touch during college and when you came to New York it was something like a fresh start for us. You never let me forget about the slushie though and we still insulted each other a lot but ... yeah.”   
  
Kurt looked confused. “Wait, you said I met you when I first came to New York but that we weren’t in touch during college. Did I not go to college in New York?”   
  
Sebastian hesitated. “Details,” he said.   
  
“No, you have to tell me!” Kurt said when Sebastian stood up. “Nobody is telling me anything!”   
  
Sebastian looked down at him, his heart aching. “They’ll tell you soon enough,” he said.   
  
Kurt crossed his arms and pressed his lips together, deep in thought.   
  
Sebastian picked up the jacket from the foot of Kurt’s bed and lingered for a moment longer, waiting for Kurt to say something. When he didn’t, Sebastian sighed and started towards the door. He stopped and turned back to see Kurt staring at the ceiling.   
  
“Goodnight Kurt,” he said in a quiet voice.   
  
Kurt didn’t respond, just like he hadn’t for every night the past seven days. Nothing new.


	2. Chapter 2

Burt had left Kurt's room only to grab some food for himself. He ran into Sebastian on the way back and though the boy tried to wipe his face the second he saw Burt, Burt still caught the red in his eyes and the tear tracks on his cheeks.

“Hey,” Sebastian said in a relatively steady voice when they stopped in front of each other. “I just went back to get my jacket and...” he trailed off when he saw that Burt was grinning.

“You don’t have to lie to me, kid.”

Sebastian sighed and returned Burt’s grin with a small one of his own. “I just wanted to see him before I left.” he admitted.

“You’re going home?”

“Blaine’s insisting.” Sebastian said with a look that told Burt he wasn't fond of the idea. “I really don’t mind spending the night in the waiting room. I could sneak in after he’s asleep and sit with him until morning. I’d be gone before he woke up.”

Burt’s heart ached for him. He stepped forward and clapped Sebastian on the shoulder. “Go home for tonight, buddy.” he said. “You’ll be back in the morning and then we’ll see if Kurt’s ready to hear more about you two.”

“Speaking of which,” Sebastian said, “I may have let a few important details slip.” Burt pulled his hand away from Sebastian’s shoulder and raised his eyebrows, waiting. “He asked about how we became friends. I tried to keep it brief but he put the pieces together and figured out he wasn’t in New York for college.”

“That it?” Burt asked.

“Yeah, that’s about it.”

Burt nodded. “I was going to talk to him right now and I expect he would have found out anyway so it's not a big deal."

"I just thought I'd tell you," Sebastian said. His phone started ringing then and Sebastian hurried to reject the call before the noise of the ringtone caused any complaints. "It's Blaine," he said after glancing at the caller id. "He's probably waiting for me downstairs."

"Go on, don't keep him waiting." Burt said, stepping aside. "And try to get some rest, kid. You look like you need it.”  
_

Kurt was staring up at the ceiling when Burt entered his room. “Hey kiddo,” he said, drawing up the chair and taking a seat. “This room smells like a fricking flower shop,” he said, wrinkling his nose at the overpowering sweet smell.

“Dad,” Kurt said, turning his face to look at his father. “When are you going to start telling me things?”

“Right about now, actually.” Burt said.

“Really?” Kurt asked, sitting up. The way his face lit up with a smile made Burt’s heart feel light and he nodded, giving Kurt a wide smile of his own.

“But we have a few rules.”

“Don’t tell me I can’t ask for details.” Kurt said, rolling his eyes.

“You can,” Burt said. “But I get to decide which ones to give. If I think a question has an answer that’s too complicated for you to comprehend right now, I’m gonna say ‘next question’ and that’s going to be that for the moment, we clear?”

Kurt nodded. “Okay.”

“Now,” Burt said, settling back in his chair and lacing his fingers over his stomach. “Ask away.”

Kurt was silent for a second and Burt could see the questions swimming in his brain. It must have been hard to choose one question when you had ten years of catching up to do. Burt waited until Kurt asked what Burt knew he was going to ask the moment Sebastian told him he’d let it slip that Kurt hadn’t gone to college in the city.

“Did I get rejected from NYADA?” he asked in a quiet voice.

Burt sighed, “Yes.” He tried not to let the way Kurt’s face crumpled get to him and swallowed before he continued. “You didn’t make the final cut.”

“Did Rachel?”

“Let’s focus on you here, buddy.”

Kurt ignored him and continued to press. “Did she? She mentioned something about rehearsals when she was here.” Kurt said, looking over at the flowers she had brought with her. “She was too hysterical for me to really understand anything.”

Burt sighed. “Fine. Yes, Rachel got in.”

“And I didn’t,” Kurt said, looking down at where his hands were twined in his lap.

“You dealt with the rejection with so much maturity,” Burt said. “I was so proud of you.”

“What did I do instead?” Kurt asked. “Am I still performing?”

“Not professionally.” Burt said, “There some external fashion design program being offered at OSU that year and they were still looking for applicants around the time you got rejected from NYADA. You got your degree from there and moved to New York after graduation. It wasn’t exactly what you’d planned but you were happy and you ended up coming to New York in the end anyway.”

Kurt nodded. “So what do I do? Am I a designer?”

“You’ve been working at some fancy French label for the past couple of years.”

The fancy French label was actually Nicole Smythe’s, Sebastian’s mother. She had opened her boutique in New York four years ago and asked Kurt to help her out with it. The designs were hers but Kurt got the chance to give a lot of his own input and the two of them were already in talks about creating Kurt’s own line or making a joint venture.

Burt didn’t give Kurt these details, but he did say “You’re in the process of starting your own clothing line.”

Kurt’s eyes grew huge. “Really?”

“Mmmhm. I’m telling ya, NYADA’s crying over not accepting you.”

Kurt grinned and settled further back against his pillows. “I...I like the sound of that.”

Burt felt a mix of confusing emotions twist in his stomach. He loved the smile on Kurt’s lips but his son wasn’t thinking about the repercussions of the accident at the moment, he was too caught up in his desire to figure out the events of the past. He didn’t know just how different his life was from what he had planned. How everything was far from the dream that he was imagining it to be. No less perfect, but not something that he would be able to come to terms with and appreciate immediately once he understood everything.

Maybe it was the drugs that were keeping him from freaking out properly but Burt knew that point would come soon enough. Until it did though, he was going to try his best to warm Kurt up to how his life was at the moment.

“This is going to sound stupid but – do we win Nationals this year? Or...did we win?” Kurt corrected, closing his eyes and shaking his head as if to get rid of a bug.

“You did,” Burt said with a grin. “I was there. You were fantastic.”

Kurt’s face brightened and he clapped his hands. “What did we place?”

“Second,” Burt said.

“Who placed first?”

“Some nutheads, I dunno.” Burt said. “I just cared about my son.”

Kurt grinned. “Where do I live?”

“You’ll see when we get there. In the city, needless to say.”

“Do I live alone?”

“No.”

“Do I live with Blaine?” Kurt asked, a blush creeping up on his face.

“No,” Burt said, not missing the way Kurt’s face fell.

“Oh. Okay.” He said a little sadly. “So I have a flatmate?”

“Yes. Sort of.”

“Anyone I know? Well I mean – obviously I know them but do I know them now?”

“Next question,” was all Burt said in reply.

Kurt frowned but didn’t linger on it too much and moved on to ask other things that were on his mind. Burt patiently answered every question as best as he could from the silly ones, to the more serious ones. Kurt’s eyes began to droop half an hour into their little talk and Burt helped him settle into a more comfortable position for sleep.

Even though Kurt insisted that he was awake enough to talk, he drifted off mid sentence while asking about the color scheme he'd used in his apartment. Burt watched him snuffle in his sleep with a fond smile before he leaned over the bed to kiss his forehead and whisper "I'm so glad you're okay, son."

-

Kurt’s morning consisted of nurses taking his blood pressure and Doctor Hendricks checking up on him and telling him that he would have to see a therapist later and if things continued to look as good as they did, he’d be able to go home by tonight. Breakfast was bland and tasteless and the morning only started to look up when Blaine arrived.

“Hi,” he greeted with a bright smile.

Kurt pushed the rest of his breakfast tray away and grinned at Blaine. “Hi.”

Burt stood up and looked at Blaine with a silent question that Kurt did not understand. Whatever it was, Blaine nodded and jerked his head towards the door. Burt glanced back at Kurt, “You okay? I’m going to go get some coffee for myself.”

“Sure,” Kurt said, feeling uncomfortable about the silent exchange but he was glad to get some time alone with Blaine.

“Hi,” Blaine said again when he sat down next to Kurt’s bed. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like I’ve forgotten everything all over again,” Kurt said with a small laugh. “All of yesterday is a blur at best. But I guess I’m not as clueless as I was before.”

“Mm, Burt must have filled you in.” Blaine said with a smile but he looked hesitant for some reason.

Kurt dismissed the look for the moment and nodded. “He didn’t tell me everything but I’ve got the basics; college, job, where I live. Although – I don’t think he mentioned who I lived with.” Kurt racked his brains in case the piece of information had slipped his mind sometime during his sleep.

“Well you’ll meet him soon enough.” Blaine said. “He’ll be coming by later.”

“I was wondering about that,” Kurt admitted. “Your roommate wakes up from a coma, the least you could do is go and visit him, right?”

Blaine was silent and Kurt took the opportunity to study his face. Now that he felt more awake and aware than he had yesterday, he could look at Blaine closely and see exactly how the years had changed him. He’d grown into his body in the best ways possible. His chest and arms were broader than Kurt remembered, the muscles accentuated by the simple gray t-shirt he wore over dark jeans, a plainer ensemble than what Kurt remembered but it looked no less perfect on him.

Kurt’s favorite part about this Blaine though, was his hair – it was loose and curly but somehow managed to not turn into the untamed mess it had back in high school whenever Blaine didn’t gel it down. The look suited him.

He hadn’t realized how hard he’d been staring until Blaine broke the silence with a slightly embarrassed, “What?”

His cheeks flushed, Kurt shook his head quickly and said, “Nothing, sorry. I was appreciating how well the years have treated you.”

Blaine bit his lip and returned Kurt’s tentative smile but he still looked uncomfortable. Whether it was because of embarrassment or something else, Kurt couldn’t tell but it was really starting to bother him. “Something wrong?” he asked.

“Kurt, I think there’s something you should know,” Blaine said in a low voice.

Something akin to worry started to churn inside Kurt’s stomach but he nodded and said, “Okay.”

There was a pause where Blaine just stared at him, Kurt’s nerves growing with every second until Blaine finally took a deep breath and said, “We’re not together anymore.”

For a moment neither of them said anything. Kurt blinked and Blaine held his breath as his words settled around them, sinking into Kurt’s reality - this reality.

“W-what?” he managed to ask finally.

“We broke up in college,” Blaine said in a gentle voice. “It was mutual.”

Kurt took a few shaky breaths and looked away from Blaine’s eyes. He felt stupid now for not once thinking about how ten years might have changed things between them. Breaking up just hadn’t seemed like a possibility. Blaine had been acting just as Kurt would have expected him to act in the situation.

Tears prickled behind his eyes. Kurt blinked them away, not wanting Blaine to see. “Are you seeing someone else?” he asked.

“Not right now, no.” Blaine said. Another pause followed and then, “We’re still best friends, Kurt. Nothing’s changed that. Nothing ever will.” He reached out to touch Kurt’s hand but unlike all the other times Kurt had let Blaine take it, he pulled it away.

“I – I think you should leave, Blaine.” Kurt said quietly.

Blaine stood up and Kurt could feel his gaze on him for a moment before he said, “I’m sorry.”

“I am too,” Kurt said, not looking at him.

“I’ll come by later?” it was phrased as a question, as if Blaine was unsure whether or not Kurt would want him there.

Kurt finally looked up at the familiar, warm face of this boy who he was still achingly in love with. His first boyfriend, his first love, still his best friend. Always his best friend.

He smiled. “Yeah. Okay.”   
_

“Why are you here again?” was the first thing Kurt asked when Sebastian entered his room.

“I wanted to check up on you,” Sebastian said. “I brought flowers,” he grinned and held up the selection he’d chosen himself.

Kurt didn’t look flattered, just irritated. “Look, I appreciate the gesture and I know you said we were friends but this really isn’t a good time and I don’t want to see you right now.”

Sebastian didn’t flinch at the harsh words; he had spent a sleepless night in anticipation of seeing Kurt again in the morning and he couldn’t leave in two seconds, his patience had been tested enough this past week.

“How are you feeling?” he asked much to Kurt’s annoyance.

“Not a good time.” Kurt repeated.

“It’s a simple question,” Sebastian said. “A one word answer will do.”

“Sebastian, please leave.” Kurt said.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian tried again. He knew what was wrong, he and Blaine had spent the night talking about how to break things to Kurt and Sebastian knew exactly why Kurt was upset but he couldn’t give Kurt leisure time to come to terms with his and Blaine’s break up. Doctor Hendricks had met him outside and said that Kurt would be cleared to go home by tonight; there was no way Sebastian could keep the fact that they lived together hidden for much longer. So he stepped closer to the bed and prompted again. “You can tell me.”

“You’re the last person I want to talk to about this,” Kurt said.

“Why’s that?” Sebastian asked, taking a seat despite the frustrated way Kurt grit his teeth. “You had no problem talking to me yesterday.”

“I know it’s hard for you,” Kurt said looking at him with narrow eyes. “But I just woke up with ten years of my memories wiped. The least you could do is not act like a jerk.”

“I’m not acting like a jerk. I’m just asking you a question. I want to help.”

“Well you can’t.” Kurt said with a stubborn jut of his chin. “And I want you to leave so please leave.” Sebastian didn’t budge from his position. “Sebastian. Leave.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I just got here.”

Kurt stared at him long and hard for a moment before he sighed and gave up. “I liked you better when I was drugged,” he said, looking away.

“Well you should learn to like me sober,” Sebastian said, sitting up in his chair. “Because we’re going to be spending a lot of time together.”

Kurt, despite clearly not wanting to, turned his head to fix him with a curious stare. “Why?”

Sebastian gave him a smile, ready with his explanation for the moment. “Because we’re flatmates.”

-

Kurt remained in a state of disbelief for the rest of the morning. He refused to talk to Sebastian; still hell bent on believing it was all one big joke. Only when Burt shook his head and said that it wasn’t a lie, did Kurt finally seemed to accept that he was in fact, living with Sebastian Smythe.

“It’s not that bad. I promise,” Sebastian said. “We get along fine. Better than fine.”

“Excuse me if I find that hard to believe,” Kurt snapped.

“It’s a beautiful apartment.” Sebastian continued, ignoring him. “Close to Central Park, tons of natural lighting -” Kurt wasn’t even looking at him. He had his arms crossed over his chest and was staring at the opposite wall but Sebastian knew he was listening. “You had most of the control over decorating,” he said. “I was just there to carry the paint brushes and hold up samples for you to -”

“Stop.” Kurt said suddenly.

“Stop what?”

“Stop making it sound like -” Kurt looked at him, frustrated. “Like it’s something we did together.”

“It is,” Sebastian said with a frown. “What, you think we just happened to move into the same apartment that magically furnished itself?”

“Yes,” Kurt said with another stubborn jut of his chin. “That is exactly what I’d like to think. And you’re not helping.”

Sebastian couldn’t help but smile a little. “Oh, Kurt.”

“No. Don’t oh Kurt me, I am going to think whatever I want in order to come to terms with this disturbing piece of news and you are going to stay out my way and let me, understood?”

Sebastian stared at him. “You expect that to work?”

“Yes.”

“Kurt, it’s not going to work.”

“I will make it work.”

Not when you find out we’re married, Sebastian thought.  
__

Sebastian took care of most of the paperwork when Kurt was finally discharged. Blaine had promised to come by later but he’d been called in by his boss for an emergency meeting with the distributors of one of their records, and so it was just Sebastian and Burt. Kurt frowned when he saw Sebastian signing papers on his way to the elevator but didn’t say a word to him all the way down to the car.

He’d changed into a pair of black jeans and a red long sleeved shirt that Sebastian had brought for him – he’d been too busy resolutely ignoring Sebastian’s presence and still trying to build whatever fantasy he wanted to in his head about their living arrangements to comment on the plainness of Sebastian’s choice of clothes. Even after all these years, Sebastian had no clue how to navigate Kurt’s wardrobe. Blaine did a better job than him. Sebastian could appreciate fashion, sure. But normal fashion and Kurt-fashion were two different things in his mind.

“Why do you have a car in New York City?” Kurt asked with a huff as he got into the passenger seat.

“Because the public transport system is filthy.” Sebastian said. “And because I need it for special occasions.”

The ride home was silent. Kurt stared out of his window at the city in all her late afternoon glory. Even though there were probably a million thoughts running through his head at the moment, Kurt still had a small, uncontrollable grin on his face. Sebastian wanted to lean over the gearshift and kiss the corner of it but he kept his eyes on the road.

Their apartment was on the seventeenth floor. Kurt grew tenser with every number that lit up over the elevator, taking them closer to his new home. Sebastian wasn’t in much of a better position beside him. This was it. There was no way he could hide their marriage once they walked through the front door, one of the first things Kurt was bound to see was the framed photograph of them at their wedding with both their families.

Kurt’s wedding band felt heavy in Sebastian’s pocket; he hadn’t returned it with the rest of Kurt’s possessions that had been found on him after the accident. He wanted to keep it with him until Kurt was ready to have it back which Sebastian was certain wouldn’t be for a while.

When the bell dinged over them and the elevator doors slid open, Burt clapped both of them on the back with a hand. “Ready to see if your house is all you dreamed of?” he asked Kurt.

Kurt looked at Sebastian with narrowed eyes and Sebastian could almost hear him saying _it can’t be a dream if I’m stuck living with you_ but al he said was, “I guess.”

Sebastian’s hand shook a little as he turned the key in the lock. “Welcome home,” he said to Kurt with a tentative grin when the door finally clicked open. He stepped aside and watched Kurt’s face as he entered the apartment.

Kurt’s gaze swept over the apartment in silence; from the entranceway to the lounge and what little you could make of the kitchen from here to the cut of the hallway where it lead to the bedrooms before coming to rest back on Sebastian who was waiting with bated breath.

“Well?” he asked.

“It’s...not as bad as I expected.” Kurt admitted, stepping further inside.

“Not as bad as y – even after everything I told you about how amazing it was?” Sebastian asked as Burt chuckled.

“Obviously, I never believed you.” Kurt said coolly, looking around with more care. His face was less emotionless now; he obviously liked the place if the shine in his eyes and his parted lips were anything to go by. It took a moment for Sebastian to realize why Kurt wasn’t freaking out like he’d expected – it was because he hadn’t bothered to look at the pictures on the walls yet.

It was as if Kurt had read his mind because he stopped in front of a wall of framed photographs. He was looking at was a vertical frame, divided into three parts. The pictures were in quick succession like something out of a photo booth at the mall. The first was a black and white close up of Kurt and Sebastian with their arms around each other’s shoulders, grinning at the camera. The second was in color, the same close up but with Sebastian bent down to kiss Kurt’s cheek and the last one was black and white again with both of them laughing with their eyes shut and mouths open in frozen shouts of glee.

They were in their wedding suits.

“Who – who’s wedding was this?” Kurt asked, turning around to look at his father and Sebastian with confusion and a hint of panic.

Sebastian didn’t know whether to be glad or upset that Kurt had chosen to look at the more subtle of their wedding photos. He guessed they could be taken as pictures of them at _a_ wedding instead of pictures of _their_ wedding.

“Oh my god,” Kurt breathed suddenly. “We’re not just friends, are we?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Kurt we’re -”

“Don’t tell me we’re -”

“- married.”

Kurt’s eyes widened and Burt sucked in a deep breath. “I-I was going to say dating,” he said in a shocked whisper.

Sebastian’s heart started to pound when the color drained from Kurt’s face. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “But you were going to find out soon enough and I -”

“Oh my god,” Kurt breathed, lifting his eyes back to the photographs. His gaze flickered from one picture to another so fast, Sebastian wondered if he was even taking any of it in. “Oh my god,.”

“Kurt-”

“This is some kind of joke, isn’t it? “Kurt said, rounding on his father. “Dad, please tell me you guys are joking.”

“We’d never joke about something as serious as this,” Burt said gently. “Why don’t you take a deep breath and -”

“No.” Kurt said, shaking his head. “No. No. No. This is not happening.” Tears were starting to gather in his eyes, clinging to the corner of his lashes. “Dad, please.” Sebastian didn’t know what he was asking for but he felt his own tears start to burn his eyes. He stepped forward and touched Kurt’s arm but Kurt ripped it out of his grip. “Don’t touch me!”

“Kurt, please calm down,” Sebastian said. “I can explain.”

“I can’t calm down!” he said, his voice shaking. “I am married. To. _You_.” His face was full of horror, of disgust and hurt as if the there was no fate worse than being married to Sebastian.

Sebastian felt the tears break free of his eyes and start sliding down his cheeks. Burt stepped forward then, putting an arm around Kurt’s shoulder and steering him towards the couch. “Sebastian, get him a glass of water,” he called over his shoulder.   
  
Sebastian did as he was told. Kurt still wouldn’t look at him but he took the water and gulped it down, his hands still shaking. “You okay?” Burt asked when Kurt placed the now empty glass on the coffee table.   
  
“No,” Kurt said in a small voice. “No, I’m not.” Sebastian felt his heart seize painfully. He wished he could have been in Burt’s place right now with his arms around Kurt, wished that he could have held him against his chest, pressed at kiss to his head and told him that everything would be fine.   
  
“Kurt,” he said instead, staying where he was. “I know this is hard.”  
  
“You think?” Kurt asked, glaring up at him through his tears.   
  
“I  _know_ ,” Sebastian said, swallowing thickly. “My husband doesn’t remember me. You think that’s easy for me?”   
  
Kurt winced at the term ‘husband’. “I’m not your husband.”   
  
It hurt more than anything Sebastian could have ever imagined. “Don’t – don’t say that.”  
  
“I’m not.” Kurt said again. “I’m not married. I don’t have a degree in fashion design from OSU or my own clothing line and Blaine and I never broke up.”   
  
Burt and Sebastian looked at each other with identical confused expressions as tears continued to stream down Kurt’s face. “Kurt, what are you saying?” Burt asked slowly.  
  
“I’m saying that I was stupid to think that my life before the accident is going to be my life now,” Kurt said. “How can I fall back into the same patterns when I’m not the same person I was a week ago?”  
  
“You  _are_  the same person,” Sebastian said, his voice breaking.  
  
Kurt ignored him. “I was so  _stupid_  to believe that it would be easy.”   
  
“It’s not going to be easy for any of us,” Burt said. “But I’m going to be here for you as long as you need me and we’ll get through this together.”   
  
“How?” Kurt asked. “How are we going to get through this? I’m stuck married to Sebastian Smythe.” He looked at Sebastian, “I don’t care about what we did over the years, right here,  _right now_  you are the  _last_  person I would ever consider marrying.”   
  
Sebastian knew Kurt was hurt but it didn’t lessen the blow of his words. He felt anger start to paint the edges of his hurt. “Well you know what, Kurt?” he said. “I’m really sorry this is so devastating for you but this isn’t just about you. You don’t get to dismiss the seven years we’ve been together just because of a block in your memory that you refuse to push away.”   
  
“You think I want this?” Kurt asked, standing up and fixing him with a vicious glare. “You think I  _want_  to be stuck ten years in the past?”   
  
“I think you do,” Sebastian said. “I think you’d rather live in your perfect little fairy tale bubble with Blaine -”   
  
“Don’t make this about Blaine-”  
  
“- than face the reality of the fact that you two broke up and that you chose to fall in love with me instead.”  
  
“I didn’t get to choose!” Kurt said. “I don’t have any choice here at all do I?”   
  
“You think I forced you to marry me?” Sebastian asked, his voice no longer near calm. “It takes two people, Kurt!”   
  
“Boys,” Burt said standing up. “Calm down.”   
  
Kurt was glaring at Sebastian harder than ever. “I’m not the guy you married,” he said. “And you’re not the sort of guy I would ever marry. There’s only one solution I can see here.”  
  
“And what’s that?” Sebastian asked even though his heart started to pound sickeningly in his chest.   
  
There was a pause where the two of them just stared at each other, chests heaving with the force of their breaths and then Kurt said, “We get a divorce.”


	3. Chapter 3

The words hung thick in the air around them. Kurt saw the exact point they sunk in for Sebastian because his face seemed to crumple. Something like guilt tugged at Kurt’s heart but he was too busy breathing through the spinning in his head to take heed. Sebastian stared at him for a long moment, his mouth opening and closing as if he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. Another second of silence passed before his gaze flickered over Kurt’s shoulder to Burt and then he turned around and left without a word, the apartment door banging shut behind him.   
  
Slowly, Kurt turned to look at his dad who was still sitting on the couch. The guilt was making itself known with more force now and Kurt’s expression turned sheepish and then defensive when he met his dad’s disapproving gaze. “What?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.   
  
“You know what,” Burt said sternly.   
  
Kurt sighed and dropped down on to the couch next to his dad. “Don’t tell me you’re on his side!”  
  
“It’s not about being on sides, Kurt. It’s about how much that poor kid has gone through this past week and how you basically ripped the heart outta his chest and threw it at his feet.” Kurt bit his lip and wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly cold. Burt continued, his gaze burning hot into the side of Kurt’s face. “I watched him sit by your side night and day, holding your hand and babbling nonsense that all sounded like some version of ‘please come back’. Imagine his pain when you woke up and didn’t even remember him.”   
  
Kurt swallowed around the slow building lump in his throat and refused to look at his father. “It’s not my fault,” he said weakly. “It’s not my fault I don’t remember.”  
  
“I’m not saying it is, kid. But that doesn’t give you a right to treat him like that.”   
  
Kurt felt fresh tears burn behind his eyes. “It’s not fair,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t be married to him.”   
  
“Well you are.”   
  
Kurt finally looked at his father, frowning. “Why are you being like this?” he asked. “Can’t you see how this affects me? I don’t  _want_  to be married, dad. I can’t be married. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I haven’t been to college yet as far as I’m concerned, even if I have a job, I won’t know the first thing about what to do. Being married is something I do  _not_  need to deal with on top of everything else at the moment.”  
  
Burt’s arm was heavy when he draped it over Kurt’s shoulder and pulled him against his side. “You think I don’t know that?” he asked softly. “You have been so great with everything so far, I don’t blame you for freaking out about being married. But Kurt, the fact is that you  _are_  married. To a pretty great guy – no, don’t look at me like that. I’ve got some of those memories you’ve locked away, remember? I know how great you two are together even if you don’t realize it right now. And every time you say that you would never marry him, you’re only putting yourself down.”   
  
Kurt frowned, “What do you mean?”   
  
“I mean that you’re not stupid Kurt. You were thinking something when you married Sebastian and it sure as hell wasn’t how he was a douchebag at eighteen.” Kurt was silent for a moment and Burt’s arm tightened around his shoulder. “You think my son is stupid enough to go ahead and marry someone if he doesn’t truly want to with every fibre of his being?”   
  
Kurt didn’t know what to say, he looked away from his dad’s gaze at the countless photographs scattered around their apartment, on the walls, on the shelves...a decade worth of happy memories that taunted him from every corner.  
  
“You think getting a divorce is going to solve anything?” Burt continued. “All that’s gonna happen is that you’re going to get your memories back and realize what a huge ass mistake you made. It’s nothing but pain and heartbreak for both of you.”

Kurt felt like crying and so he did, he let the tears stream down his cheeks and buried his face in his father’s chest. “What am I going to do dad?”  
  
“You’ll figure it out,” Burt said, holding him tightly. “And like I said, I’ll be here to help as long as you need me. But first, you need to stop treating Sebastian like he’s doing something wrong by being near you and start treating him at the very least, like a friend. How would you feel if I woke up tomorrow and started denying you were my son?”  
  
That hit him hard and Kurt unconsciously tightened his grip on his dad’s shirt. “I feel so lost,” he said in an almost childish voice.   
  
Burt rubbed his arm and held him tighter. “I’m here, kid.” He said. “And more importantly,  _you’re_  here. After the accident I thought you’d -” he cut himself off and cleared his throat. “I don’t care if you don’t get your memories back. I bet you anything you’re going to be every bit as fabulous without them.”   
  
Kurt sniffled and pressed his cheek hard to his father’s shirt before sitting upright and wiping the tears from his face. “I – I’m going to go use the bathroom,” he said as he got to his feet.  
  
“You hungry? There’s food in the fridge I could heat up for you.” 

Kurt nodded and gave his father a small smile. “Thanks dad.”   
  
He found the bathroom easily; it was bigger than he had expected and one look at the shower told him it was going to be one of his favorite places in the apartment. It was weird though, to see the mix of products lined up on the sink counter. Kurt took a wild guess over which were his and which belonged to Sebastian. He found himself staring at the toothbrushes and wondering if his was the purple one with the hideous stripes or the equally hideous orange one next to it. It wasn’t like it mattered at this point but the trivial question was a good distraction. He eventually came to the conclusion that Sebastian probably used two toothbrushes because his teeth needed just that extra amount of care and that he probably had his own toothbrush hidden somewhere else.   
  
Not knowing why - maybe he expected to have hidden his toothbrush in there? - he opened the tiny wooden cabinet on the wall next to the shower and gasped softly when the first thing he saw was a huge bottle of lube. Instinctively, he shut the cabinet and turned away as if his eyes had been burnt. He splashed some cold water on his face and left the bathroom before he could think anything else of the lube and instead, wandered into the bedroom closest to him.  
  
It was comfortably sized with a double bed framed by two gorgeous side tables, each bearing a small, artistic lamp. The bedspread looked like something Kurt would have picked out – it was a simple pattern but mixed in well with the natural color scheme of the room. As nice as the room was though, Kurt knew it couldn’t be his bedroom. It felt too impersonal.   
  
He knew he was right the second he walked through the door of the next room. This one immediately felt  _right_. The design was more modern than their guest room, which is what Kurt guessed the other room was for since (and he had another mild panic attack at the thought) he and Sebastian probably slept together. Taking a calming breath and not letting himself think of what he and Sebastian must have done on it, Kurt moved to appreciate the bed, simple and clear cut in its design but no less stylish.   
  
There was a huge abstract painting over the bed but the opposite wall boasted some more personal photographs. Kurt walked over to them and let his eyes scan the shots of him and Sebastian.   
  
There was a rush of sound in his head and ears, like thousands of whispers struggling to make sense. Kurt would have thought that they were memories from looking at the pictures if his heart hadn’t been pounding to a panicked rhythm. Kurt reached out and touched his own face in one of the photographs as if the connection would link him with the mind of the man in the frame. It was unreal, looking at this man in the photographs. This man who looked exactly what Kurt would imagine an older him to look like - living a life that he seemed to be perfectly comfortable in, with a husband and friends in the city of his dreams.

Sighing, Kurt moved on to the bookshelf next to the photographs. It was smaller than the bookshelf in the lounge and black instead of white. It criss crossed across the wall and a quick look at the contents told him it contained more slim files that were either related to his or Sebastian’s work and tiny artifacts than actual books. Some of the stuff Kurt recognized from his old bedroom and that comforted him, some of the stuff was probably Sebastian and some of the gadgets had familiar logos on them but Kurt didn’t have a clue what they did.   
  
That was another thing about waking up ten years in the future - technology hadn’t gotten any simpler.   
  
The far left wall of the bedroom was dominated by huge windows – Sebastian hadn’t been lying about plenty of natural light. The view was nothing short of breathtaking. The city at the moment was lit up with twinkling lights against the backdrop of the night sky but in the morning, he supposed the sun would have shone bright enough to bathe the entire room in its glow. Kurt spent a few minutes just staring and wondering how beautiful the city must look from here early in the morning or when it was raining or snowing. There could have been a sandstorm outside for all Kurt cared and he would still think it beautiful.   
  
An inspection of his walk in closet followed afterwards and Kurt had to resist the urge to take out every item and examine it closely. He walked around opening random drawers in the bedroom, shifting through stuff that should probably mean something to him – scribbled notes, numbers and dates, a color coded planner (Kurt set that aside to come back to later). He kept expecting something to jog his memory, something to shout out to him, but he couldn’t feel too disappointed when it didn’t.   
  
When he had thought about moving to New York, he had been prepared for a tiny, cramped apartment where he’d be stepping on Rachel’s toes wherever he turned, he had thought about curling up close next to Blaine in their first apartment, slightly larger than the one he had shared with Rachel but lacking in a proper heating system. That would have been fine though, because it would have meant that they had to cuddle to keep warm.   
  
He hadn’t been thinking about getting a place like this for  _years_. It was surreal, it felt like something too precious to be his, something he was afraid someone would take away from him any second. Whatever Kurt may have felt about everything else he had woken up to, his apartment definitely felt like home. He could  _feel_  the love and care he (and Sebastian, don’t forget Sebastian) had put into setting it up. Other things may have to take some getting used to but Kurt knew that he would always feel at home in this place. 

- 

Sebastian didn’t know how many drinks he’d had. He just knew it wasn’t enough for the bartender to cut him off. “Jack!” Sebastian called out to the large man. “Did all that wax you’ve got stuffed in your ear impair your hearing? I said get me another fucking beer!”  
  
“I heard you loud and clear the first three times, Smythe.” The man said, leaning over the counter and fixing Sebastian with a firm stare. “But there’s no way I’m letting you drink another sip of alcohol tonight. You’re one second away from puking on my bar.”   
  
“You have no idea what I’m going through.” Sebastian said, brining his fist donwn on the wooden countertop. “I need. A. Fucking. Drink.”  
  
“Give me your phone,” Jack said, holding out a hand.  
  
“Why?” Sebastian asked but he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone anyway.   
  
“I’m calling Blaine,” Jack said, taking the phone from his hand. “He’ll take you home.”  
  
“You know me too well.” Sebastian grumbled. “I’ve gotta find another bar.”   
  
“You’ll be coming back in two days.” Jack said with a grin. “No one can put up with your demanding little ass like I do. Well, except for Kurt.”   
  
Sebastian huffed. “Yeah. Kurt.”   
  
Jack turned his back for a few seconds while he spoke to Blaine.   
  
Sebastian stared at his hands during the conversation, hoping Blaine would be caught up in something else to come and pick him up. He didn’t want to see Blaine, he didn’t want to go back to his apartment. He didn’t need anyone looking after him.   
  
“I just need another fucking beer.” He said, looking up at Jack with pleading eyes. “Just get me. Another. Beer.”   
  
“Not happening tonight,” Jack said, setting Sebastian’s phone onto the counter between them. “Blaine’ll be ten minutes.”   
  
“I’m going to sue you,” Sebastian said darkly.  
  
“You don’t scare me, Smythe.”   
  
Blaine arrived in the next three minutes much to Sebastian’s dismay. His hair was blown wild by the wind and the tip of his nose was red but he caught sight of Sebastian and sighed in relief. “Oh my god, what the  _hell_  Seb?” he said, taking the empty stool next to him. “I tried calling you a million times. Why would you turn off your phone?”   
  
“Maybe because I didn’t want to talk to you or to anybody for that matter?” Sebastian asked.  
  
Blaine looked at Jack. “How much has he had?”   
  
“Enough,” Jack replied.  
  
Blaine gripped Sebastian’s arm and tried to pull him to his feet. “C’mon.”   
  
“Don’t touch me!” Sebastian said, yanking his arm out of Blaine’s grip. He was suddenly reminded of Kurt saying the same words to him not four hours ago – wow, four hours. Had it been that long? “Just – leave me alone.” Sebastian said, dropping his head down to his hands.  
Jack had moved down the bar to attend to other customers, Blaine was silent beside him for a moment before he said “This isn’t the way to deal with things, Seb.”   
  
“Really?” Sebastian turned his head to look at Blaine with bloodshot eyes wet with tears. “You’re going to tell me the best way to deal with this? You have no idea Blaine, okay? No. Idea.”   
  
“Probably not,” Blaine said. “But I know enough to tell you that getting drunk isn’t going to help anyone.”   
  
“He wants a divorce,” Sebastian said in a quiet voice. “He wants a fucking  _divorce._ ”   
  
Blaine’s lips parted in shock and his eyes widened. “W-what? He said that?”   
  
Sebastian nodded, a bitter smile on his lips. “He said there was no way we would ever work out and that it was – it was the only solution,  _god_.” Sebastian looked away again and jerked his shoulder away from Blaine’s touch when he tried to wrap his arm around him. “Seven fucking years together and he gives up on us just like that.”   
  
“He’s - confused. Probably scared and overwhelmed.” Blaine said slowly. “But he loves you and you know it, even if he doesn’t.”

“Why couldn’t he have forgotten me completely?” Sebastian said with a frustrated huff. “Or remembered just one more year? Why does the universe have to be so fucking  _cruel_?” He huffed and pulled back to look down at the wedding band on his finger. “I wish it had been me.” he said in such a low voice, it was barely above a whisper.  
  
“Sebastian...”   
  
“No, seriously.” Sebastian said, looking at Blaine with wide, earnest eyes. “It would have been so much easier. Kurt could have made me fall back in love with him in _seconds_  and -”  
  
“And you would have ran in the other direction as fast as you could, scared shitless.” Blaine said with a fond smile. “Trust me. Sebastian Smythe would never takes the news of being a married man well without every square inch of memory in why he got to the point in his head. You would have been a nightmare. I was at your wedding, remember? I’ve got proof of how easily you freak out.”   
  
Sebastian didn’t know whether to laugh or smile so he just stared at Blaine until the other boy stood up and took him by the arm again. “Let’s get you home,” he said. This time, Sebastian followed.   
_  
  
Blaine left him at the foot of the building because Sebastian insisted that he was  _fine_. He’d had the sense to take his keys before he left but standing outside his apartment, he suddenly felt bashful. He shouldn’t have walked out like that, at least not on Burt. Hoping he didn’t look as drunk as he felt, he slowly swung open the front door and stepped inside.   
  
The apartment was silent and the lights were off except for a lamp in the lounge. Sebastian moved to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He didn’t hear the sound of approaching footsteps and almost dropped the glass in his hands when he heard Kurt’s voice from behind him.   
  
“You’re back.”   
  
He turned around, dreading the expression on Kurt’s face but all he saw was him looking incredibly tired. “Yeah. I uh – I went...out.” Sebastian said, his words slurring a little. He pressed a hand to his forehead, cool from touching the glass.   
  
“Are you drunk?” Kurt asked, a crease forming between his brows.   
  
This was not how Sebastian wanted to have his first proper conversation with Kurt after the events of the evening. He didn’t want Kurt to see him like this. “No,” he lied, taking a shaky step forward. He slipped and grabbed the fridge for support, feeling his face start to burn.

“I know what I said before might have been harsh,” Kurt said.  
  
“Did you mean it?” Sebastian asked, punctuating his question with a hiccough. “Do you want – are we going to have to get a divorce?”   
  
 _Please say no, please say no..._  
  
Kurt sighed. “I know this is hard for you too but you gotta see this from my perspective here.” he said, shaking his head. “All you are for me at the moment is the boy who tried to break up me and my boyfriend, consistently made sissyphobic comments about me who and nearly blinded Blaine with a rock salt slushie that was actually meant  _for me_. All of that may be in the past for  _you_  but it’s as clear in my head as if it had happened yesterday. How can you expect me to overlook everything?”  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said, taking a few shaky steps towards the boy.   
  
“Just give me a chance,  _please_. Tell me what you want me to do, I’ll do anything. Tell me how to fix this, tell me how to fix  _you_  -”  
  
“ _I’m not broken_ ,” Kurt said in a wet voice, struggling to remain steady.   
  
Sebastian saw tears had sprung to Kurt’s eyes and he panicked. “No, no. Of course you’re not, baby -” he started, making a move to reach out to him. Kurt took a step back, looking uncomfortable and Sebastian wanted to bang his head on the wall for his slip. “I am trying,” Sebastian said in a broken voice, his fist curling around thin air where he had reached for Kurt. “I am, Kurt.”  
  
“By getting drunk?”  
  
Sebastian swallowed. “I told you we’re married and the first thing you asked for is a divorce,” he said in a broken voice. “How do you think I felt?”   
  
“I’m sorry.” Kurt said, his voice low and sincere. “I really am. But - we can’t go back to what we were. I just, I can’t -” he broke off and looked away as if Sebastian’s face was causing him too much pain.   
  
Was this it then? Sebastian thought. Was this the end? He felt the realization crashing down on him and the weight of it almost made him collapse to the ground. He didn’t stop the tears when they started sliding down his cheeks but reached inside his pocket, fingers closing around Kurt’s wedding band. Closing the last few steps of distance between them, he stopped in front of Kurt and held out the platinum band for him.   
  
“W-what’s this?” Kurt asked, looking from his outstretched hand to his face with a confused frown.   
  
“Your wedding band.” Sebastian said.   
  
“Sebastian -”  
  
“Take it Kurt,” he said, voice hoarse. “Just please, don’t make this harder.”   
  
Kurt took the ring, his fingers brushing Sebastian’s palm. Before he could stop himself, Sebastian was surging forward and pressing his lips to Kurt’s forehead, not caring about how he stiffened under the touch. He kept his lips, wet with his tears pressed against Kurt’s hot skin, every piece of him breaking until he finally found enough strength to move away.   
  
He didn’t look back at Kurt as he brushed past him but he stopped in his tracks when Kurt spoke up. His voice barely a whisper as he said, “I don’t want a divorce.”

It couldn’t have taken more than a second but turning around to meet Kurt’s gaze felt like an eternity. Sebastian wished he hadn’t been drunk so that his vision wouldn’t swim as much as it did; he just wanted to see Kurt’s face clearly. From what he could make of it, he noticed that Kurt was crying, his fist closed around the band in his hand as he stared at Sebastian. His throat felt like someone had stuffed cotton in it and Sebastian swallowed before he asked, “You – you don’t?”   
  
Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath and in the little time that it took, Sebastian began to panic again. What if he hadn’t meant it? What if he was regretting saying it now?   
  
“There must have been a reason I married you,” Kurt said, opening his eyes and breaking Sebastian’s train of thought. “And I don’t want to risk destroying something I – I guess I must have really wanted in order to...” he trailed off and bit his lip. “Until I get my memories back or in case I don’t, we’re going to have to learn to work around this - thing.” He gestured around his head as if the block in his memory was something visible.   
  
Sebastian wished it was, wished it was as easy as gripping it with his hand and throwing it aside to reveal a Kurt with his memories one hundred percent intact.  
  
He found himself marching back to Kurt and he only got a glimpse of the surprised expression on Kurt’s face before he had thrown an arm over his shoulder and pulled him against his chest in a bone crushing hug. Kurt let out a low sound of protest before he went slack in his grip. Sebastian didn’t care that he wasn’t being held in return, he just continued to hold Kurt close, breathing him in and grinning into his hair.   
  
“I love you so much Kurt,” he whispered. “So fucking much. I’d do anything for you.”   
  
“Um.” Kurt didn’t move a muscle but his uncertain tone seemed to snap Sebastian out of whatever trance he had been in and he pulled back.  
  
“Sorry,” he said quickly. “I wasn’t thinking. I’m kind of -”  
  
“Drunk?” Kurt supplied.   
  
“Incredibly grateful,” Sebastian said.   
  
Kurt gave him a small smile but it was hesitant. “Look, Sebastian. I understand that we’ve been married for – how long have we been married?”   
  
“Two years.”   
  
“Two years. Wow,” Kurt breathed.   
  
“We’ve been more or less together for seven.” Sebastian said with a grin.  
  
“Yeah, you mentioned that.” Kurt said. “But right now I don’t remember any of it so technically, I’ve only known you for a couple of not very happy months.”   
  
“But you’re -”  
  
“I’m going to try and work on not hating you,” Kurt said with a nod. “But I need you to not do this.”   
  
“Do what?”   
  
Kurt gestured between them. “ _This_ ,” he said and Sebastian wasn’t any closer to understanding what he meant than he had been before. He frowned at Kurt until he sighed and said, “Look. Let’s start slow okay? We’ll work at being friends first and then see where it goes. You can’t expect me to start acting like your husband just because I’ve decided against a divorce.”   
  
“No, no. Of course not.” Sebastian said, realization dawning. “Take as much time as you want. I’m sorry. I won’t – touch you? That sounds like I’m molesting you.” He wrinkled his face and Kurt laughed a little, it was a beautiful sound. Sebastian immediately wanted to hear it again. “We’ll work through this, Kurt,” he said. “I promise.”  
  
“Thank you,” Kurt said in a quiet voice. There was a tense moment of silence where Sebastian wished he had the ability to read Kurt’s mind -  _this_  Kurt’s mind, because right now, Kurt’s face was so much more guarded, so closed off than the Kurt Sebastian was used to. “Do you want anything from the bedroom?” Kurt asked then, breaking the silence. “Because I’m going to call it a night.”   
  
It took a moment for Sebastian to realize that he was expected to sleep on the couch since Burt was in the guest room. “I’ll just grab a pillow and blanket,” he said, following Kurt as he led the way to their bedroom. “Maybe get a change of clothes,” he mumbled, pulling his shirt away from his body and wrinkling his nose.

Kurt stood by the windows as Sebastian got his stuff. “So I’m assuming you took a look around?” Sebastian asked.   
  
“Yeah, I uh -” Kurt turned away from the window to look at him. “I think I’m kind of in love with this place.”   
  
“Good to know,” Sebastian said with a grin.  
  
“How can we afford it?” Kurt asked, walking over to the bed and sitting down at the edge. “I know that I have a decent job and you’re – sorry, what do you do again?”  
  
“I’m a lawyer,” Sebastian said.   
  
“Why am I not surprised?” Kurt asked, shaking his head and giving him another tight smile. “Even with that though, a place like this has got to cost a fortune and I might not recognize all of them but I know labels when I see them and most of this stuff -” he waved his hand around the room as a whole, “- is definitely designer.”   
  
“Well, the apartment itself was a wedding present.” Sebastian said, rubbing the back of his neck. “My dad he – he’d made the investment a long time ago and we refused at first but you know, what the hell. We were going to start a life together and my apartment – where we were living at the time – was nice but we both agreed that this was something we would never regret taking. So we did. And we pitched in to design it which set us back quite a bit as far as money was concerned even though we’ve both got pretty decent incomes,” he grinned at Kurt when he saw this piece of news pleased him. “But you’ve always been careful about savings and stuff which really balances out my tendency to go wild with spending money. It worked out okay in the end.”   
  
“Better than okay, I’d say,” Kurt said in a low voice, pinching the comforter between his forefinger and thumb. Sebastian grinned; even though he knew Kurt was talking about the apartment, it made him unreasonably happy to know that at least this part of their life was something Kurt liked. Kurt looked up at him all of a sudden, “Do you have everything?”   
  
Sebastian took that as a sign that he should to leave. Reluctantly, he made his way to the door. Kurt didn’t ask him to stay, didn’t even ask if the couch was a comfortable place to sleep (which, thankfully, it was) and Sebastian guessed he shouldn’t have been surprised. Just because they were married and Kurt had agreed to try and make their relationship work didn’t mean that he cared about him enough to ask if he would be comfortable where he slept.   
  
“Just one more thing -” Kurt said, his voice stopping Sebastian in his tracks once again. “Which toothbrush is mine?” 

Sebastian smiled. “The purple one.”   
  
“Well, there goes my theory.” Kurt sighed.  
  
“What theory?”   
  
“Nothing.” Kurt said. He walked over to the door, forcing Sebastian to stumble backwards until he was standing just outside. “Goodnight Sebastian.”   
  
Sebastian blinked when the door closed in his face. He stared at the wood for a moment before his face broke out into a grin. At least he hadn’t slammed it shut and at least he'd got a goodnight this time.

Progress.


	4. Chapter 4

Kurt woke up feeling confused with the urge to call out to somebody just like he had at the hospital. He sat up slowly, blinking the sleep from his eyes and as soon as his vision cleared enough to take in his surroundings, he relaxed. It should have been weird, his new bedroom should have confused him further but Kurt felt the familiar calm settle over him like it had last night when he had gone around touching random possessions in the room.   
  
He sank back into his pillows and took a deep breath. The room was still dark but the sun was rising slowly outside the huge windows. Kurt hadn’t closed the blinds before he went to sleep and he was glad of it now when he turned on his side to stare at the early morning light glinting off the buildings. He closed his eyes again, pressing his cheek into his pillow.   
  
Kurt had always considered the bed in his old room to be one of the most comfortable places on earth. Blaine’s bed had been his second favorite simply because it was Blaine’s (no, don’t think about Blaine’s bed, don’t ruin the moment) but the fact was that this bed was just as, if not more comfortable. Kurt was pretty sure he could stay cuddled up in his blankets all day. He drifted off for a while, not going back to sleep but just hanging in the moment between wakefulness and sleep. Once or twice he jerked awake because he’d felt as if someone were sliding an arm around his waist but when he turned to look over his shoulder, Sebastian’s side of the bed (oh god, they have  _sides_  don’t they?) was empty.   
  
It wasn’t that he felt creeped out by the phantom touch, in fact, he had a feeling that it might be some sort of sense memory. Like this wasn’t the first morning he’d woken up to watch the sun rise outside the windows. Like it was something he did on a regular basis except he had someone pull him against their chest and press a kiss to the side of his neck as they did...  
  
Kurt threw the comforter off of him and stood up. He didn’t want to think about that certain  _someone_  and what they did in this bed. Not right now.   
  
He chose an outfit for the day, swearing to come back and give his closet the attention it deserved before making his way to the bathroom. The shower was just as glorious as Kurt had imagined. He spent a few minutes under the spray, just letting the water cascade over his body before he turned to the products assembled in the compartments that were carved into the wall. There was only one brand of shampoo and conditioner so Kurt figured that he and Sebastian must share. The shower gel, though – there were two bottles, neither of them a brand Kurt recognized. He picked up the first one and gave it an experimental sniff. It was something fresh and slightly fruity - grapefruit maybe? Kurt liked the smell at the any rate.   
  
Just to make sure, he picked up the other bottle and gave it a sniff too and oh yeah, this was definitely his. While the first gel had smelled nice enough, this one immediately made him want to surround himself in the smell. It was comforting just like his bed had been comforting and Kurt inhaled again deeply, just to let the pleasant smell invade his senses once more.   
  
The bottle said it contained Grape Seed Oil, Mandarin Orange Peel Oil, Bergamot Oil and Rosemary Leaf Extract. It could also be used as a shampoo. Even though he had perfectly good shampoo and conditioner right beside him, Kurt went ahead and worked the scent into his hair. By the time he emerged from the shower, he felt more relaxed than he had all morning.

Sebastian was awake and making coffee in the kitchen when Kurt finished brushing his teeth and walked out. He must have taken a long time in the shower because the sun was fully out now and had bathed the apartment in bright light. Kurt took a moment to appreciate how beautiful the white color scheme of the lounge looked in the light of day. He slid onto a stool behind the kitchen counter with a quick, “Good morning.”   
  
“Sleep well?” Sebastian asked as he passed a cup of coffee over to him.   
  
Kurt nodded as he took a sip. “You?” When Sebastian didn’t reply, he looked at him over the rim of his mug only to find him frowning. “What?”   
  
“You showered,” Sebastian said.   
  
Kurt rolled his eyes. “What gave it away? Was it my wet hair?”   
  
Sebastian grinned. “So how’d you know which body wash was yours?” he asked conversationally.   
  
Kurt felt a rush of satisfaction at the thought that he had been right. He shrugged, “I chose the scent I liked the most.”   
  
“You liked this one?” Sebastian asked, grinning widely.   
  
“It made me feel calm, comfortable...happy - I don't know, does that makes sense?” Kurt asked, taking another sip.  
  
“I guess,” Sebastian said and okay, his grin was starting to get on Kurt’s nerves.   
  
“What?” he asked irately.  
  
“Nothing.” Sebastian pressed his lips together as if trying to stop himself from bursting out laughing.  
  
“What -” he asked again, setting down his mug. “Is so funny?” 

“It’s just -” Sebastian’s grin grew impossibly wide. “The body wash that made you feel so  _calm, comfortable and happy_  is actually mine.”

-

Kurt’s cheeks remained tinged with pink for the rest of the morning. He desperately wished he hadn’t picked up the second bottle and stuck to the grapefruit one. Now every time he inhaled, the scent of Sebastian’s body wash filled his senses and while it was just as pleasant as it had been the first time, it made Kurt shift uncomfortably in his seat.   
  
He was grateful that Sebastian didn’t comment any further because he wasn’t sure he could take the embarrassment. All he asked was, “Do you want some pancakes?” to which Kurt replied with a shrug and said “Sure.”   
  
From his position on the stool, Kurt watched Sebastian move around the kitchen, throwing ingredients together with practiced ease. “You cook?” he asked mostly because he wanted to take his mind off the stupid body wash.  
  
“Wow, what gave it away?” Sebastian said, grinning at him over his shoulder. “Is it the pancake batter in my hands?”   
  
Kurt rolled his eyes, “Just because you’re making pancakes this morning doesn’t mean you cook.”   
  
“I do,” Sebastian said. “Just not very often. We don’t work well together in the kitchen.”   
  
“Why?” Kurt asked, leaning forward and tilting his head to fix Sebastian with a curious stare.   
  
“We both have serious control issues,” Sebastian said with a grin. “So if either of us decides that it’s our turn to cook, the other one has to stay the fuck away. And since you like cooking more than I do, I’m usually the one staying out of your way.” Kurt nodded. “But we both know I’m the better cook.”   
  
“Somehow I don’t believe you.” Kurt said.  
  
“You will after lunch.” Sebastian said with a confident wink.   
  
Kurt rested his chin on his fist as Sebastian turned back to the stove and took another sip of coffee. It hit him then, watching the muscles shift in Sebastian’s shoulders as he flipped pancakes, that he was going to be  _living_  with this man. Somehow, finding out that they were married hadn’t made the realization sink in sooner – Kurt had been too caught up in the absurdity of the situation to think about anything else.   
  
Now though, everything suddenly felt so  _real_. From the extra toothbrush in the bathroom to Sebastian’s bed hair and night clothes – this man, who until a few days ago (in his head, anyway) had been nothing but an irritating presence at Kurt’s favorite coffee shop was now  _living_  with him. He’d been the last person Kurt saw before going to bed last night and the first person Kurt had seen this morning.   
  
 _And he’s making me breakfast_  
  
“Something wrong?” Sebastian asked when he turned around and caught the look on Kurt’s face. He slid a plate of warm buttermilk pancakes complete with blueberries on top over to him but Kurt made no move to reach for it. “Kurt?”  
  
“I – I don’t feel well,” Kurt said, pushing the plate away. He stood up, taking his coffee mug with him as he did and ignored the confused expression on Sebastian’s face. “I’m going back to bed.”   
  
Sebastian lips were still forming around words when Kurt left, not giving him another glance. He’d just opened his bedroom door when Burt walked out of his own room, yawning. “Hey kiddo,” he said as he made his way towards the bathroom.   
  
Kurt gave him a smile before ducking into the bedroom and shutting the door behind him. He found his wedding band exactly where he’d left it last night – on top of his planner inside his side table drawer. It felt heavier in his hand when he picked it up this time, like the weight of all it represented was making itself known to him. Kurt turned it over a couple of times before hesitantly sliding it down his ring finger.

It fit perfectly. Of course.  
  
There was no denying that it was a beautiful ring. Under different circumstances, Kurt might have spent hours admiring how flawless it looked against his skin. Maybe he had.   
  
At the moment though, it only made him think of Sebastian in the kitchen with an identical ring and sent a wave of panic through him. He took the ring off and put it back in the drawer. If he’d thought that trying it on would make the situation any less weird for him, he had been absolutely wrong.   
  
He dropped his head into his hand, pushing his fingers through his wet hair and taking a deep breath which he immediately regretted when the now familiar scent of Sebastian’s body wash filled his nostrils. “What the hell have I got myself into?” he muttered.   
_

Clouds from seemingly nowhere converged in the sky close to midday. Kurt had moved out into the lounge again and was sitting on the couch with his dad when it started to rain. He lost track of what his father was talking about – he had been catching Kurt up on everyone back home – but even the news of Finn and his family wasn’t enough to distract Kurt from the view.   
  
It was a different kind of beautiful from the morning sunshine. The droplets fell thick and fast like millions of diamonds falling from the sky, reflecting in the glass of the nearby buildings. Kurt tilted his head and pressed his cheek to the back of the sofa as he stared outside.   
  
“Kurt?” his dad’s voice asked. Kurt hummed, not turning his gaze away from the windows. “What the hell are you looking at?”   
  
“The rain.” Kurt said, “It’s beautiful.”   
  
“You’d think you’ve never seen rain before in your life from the way you look right now.” Burt said with a chuckle.  
  
Sebastian laughed from the kitchen and Kurt’s gaze flickered towards him. He had asked Kurt if he was going to explain his behavior at breakfast but Kurt had simply said _no_  and both of them had left it at that. Now, when their eyes met, Sebastian gave Kurt a warm smile like he knew exactly how and why Kurt found the rain fascinating. Kurt didn’t smile, just blinked at him as Sebastian turned back to peeling potatoes.   
  
He didn’t know how long he spent staring at the rain. Burt had gone back to reading the newspaper and though Kurt wanted ask him so many things about Ohio, his tongue felt heavy in his mouth and his eyelids were starting to droop. He drifted like he had that morning, still aware of Burt and Sebastian talking around him but not caring enough to add anything of his own to the conversation.   
  
The sofa dipped a while later with the weight of another body and Sebastian’s voice was so much closer when he said, “I’ll wake him up in a bit. Yeah, go ahead.” Kurt guessed Burt must have got up and gone somewhere because it was silent after that. He didn’t really care; the sound of the rain hitting the windowpanes and the distant rumble of thunder was sound enough for him.   
  
Someone, Sebastian probably, had draped a blanket over him at one point because when Kurt shifted, he felt the blanket move with him. “You awake?” Sebastian’s voice asked softly. Kurt didn’t bother responding because he was too comfortable to make the effort; he kept his eyes closed and continued to breathe deeply.   
  
The light brush of the knuckles against his cheek the next second almost made him jump. His heart picked up pace and his breath hitched but Sebastian didn’t notice because he kept stroking Kurt’s face from his temples, down along his cheekbones to his chin and then back up. Kurt felt the urge to jerk away from the touch but it was soothing and eventually, he relaxed enough to let a small sigh escape his lips.   
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said from far away.   
  
 _What?_  Kurt wanted to ask.   
  
“Kurt.” And that was it. His name once again; soft, tender, loving. The sound washed over his whole body and filled him with unexplainable warmth. Kurt smiled into his pillow – when had he gotten a pillow? – and drifted once more.

-

 _It’s raining the day they move into their apartment.  
  
Kurt is tense, terrified that something precious is going to break in the process of bringing the boxes up. He snaps more than once at Sebastian when he sets down a carton too heavily and the contents rattle. Sebastian ignores him, stays out of his way for the most part until they have everything and all that’s left is unpacking. Once he slips a few bills into the hands of their movers, he closes the door and walks over to where Kurt is standing in the middle of a sea of boxes, staring out the huge windows at the slanting rain.   
  
His arms slip around his waist easily and Kurt stiffens for a second before relaxing back against him. They’re quiet for a long moment, the only sound coming from the rain pounding against the window sill. They haven’t switched on any lights yet and it’s dark enough because of the clouds for it to seem like late evening even though it’s barely past noon.   
  
“Did you remember to tell Paula about the change in moving dates?” Kurt asks suddenly. “Because if you didn’t then we’ll have to go a whole week without a bed and -”  
  
“Yes I did,” Sebastian says, cutting him off.   
  
“And Blaine’s bringing over the -”  
  
“Kurt, shut up.”   
  
“He said he’d call by six – what time is it right now? You can barely tell the difference between night and day with all this rain -”  
  
“Kurt, shh.” Sebastian says, kissing the side of Kurt’s neck. “Breathe, baby.”   
  
Kurt lets out a long breath and leans back against Sebastian’s chest. His hand is resting over Sebastian’s on his waist and he’s isn’t sure if he even realizes it, but Kurt starts to trace the wedding band on Sebastian’s finger with long, slow strokes. It’s been a week since the ceremony and they’ve been wearing their rings for longer than that but the way Kurt’s finger moves over the platinum band, barely brushing the skin at the corners makes Sebastian hyper aware of the little patch of skin.  
  
He breaks the silence all of a sudden, “Shit.”   
  
“What?” Kurt asks, “Don’t tell me we forgot something.”   
  
“Shit Kurt,” Sebastian says again. Kurt turns around in his arms, frowning. “We’re married.” Kurt laughs for the first time all morning, the sound echoing around the walls of their apartment. Sebastian drops his forehead to rest against Kurt’s and laughs with him. “What is so funny?” he asks even though he’s still grinning.   
  
Kurt reaches up to cup Sebastian’s face. “Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts. Not after we’ve already agreed to take this place. Because if you are, then I’m sorry, we’ll have to resolve to stay in an unhappy marriage, I’m not ready to give up the apartment.”  
  
“At least the sex will be fantastic,” Sebastian says.  
  
“Mm, I can guarantee that.”   
  
“I’m not having seconds thoughts,” Sebastian says when Kurt turns around again and presses his back against Sebastian’s chest. “I’m just worried I’m going to screw this up.”   
  
“Seriously?” Kurt says. “Shouldn’t you have thought of that _before _we got married?”_  
  
“Do you know how long it took me to finally ask you to move in the first time?” Sebastian says. “I don’t do this Kurt. I’ve never done this. And now we’ve got these -” he held up both their hands, the bands shining in even the dull light. “And it’s not just an excuse to have more sex anymore.”  
  
“So that’s what it was last time?” Kurt says, turning his head to give him a teasing smile. “You asked me to move in so you could have more sex?”   
  
“Obviously.”   
  
“I had a feeling that’s what it was all about.”  
  
Sebastian smiles and presses his nose to the curve behind Kurt’s ear, inhaling deeply. Kurt smells like rain and sweat, tastes the same when   
  
Sebastian replaces his nose with his lips and sucks lightly at the skin. There’s so much Sebastian wants to say in that moment but he can’t find the words. So he nudges Kurt’s jaw with his nose until Kurt turns his head and captures his lips in a soft, reassuring kiss.   
  
“We can do this,” Kurt whispers against his lips, his hand coming back up to cup the side of Sebastian’s face. “We can.”

 _ _“What if I screw up?”  
  
Kurt smiles, “I might decide you’re worth it and give you a third chance.”   
  
“Third?”   
  
“You’ve already used up your second.”  
  
“And it resulted in our marriage.” Sebastian says with a grin. “I make the most of what I get.”   
  
Kurt twists his body so they’re in a weird, half embrace and kisses him again. Sebastian walks them both backwards until Kurt’s back is pressed against the huge windows, his body framed by the city. He kisses him deeper, sliding his tongue into Kurt’s mouth and stroking the roof of his mouth in a way that makes Kurt curl closer to him.   
  
When they have sex for the first time on a blanket on the floor of their new apartment, it’s completely unlike the way it had been last time when Kurt had moved in. Last time, Sebastian had held Kurt up against a wall and fucked him until he went boneless in his arms. This time, it’s Kurt who fucks in to him, slow and deep, filling him up until Sebastian can’t breathe. Every touch feels like more of a promise than the last and Sebastian is terrified.   
  
More terrified than he had been when he told Kurt he loved him for the first time, or when he had finally proposed. Making their wedding vows hadn’t been as terrifying as this. This is the point where the glamour of their wedding that has surrounded them for months comes to an end. This is the first step in an endless staircase that is going to be their life _together _. There is so much that could go wrong.__  
  
He shudders in Kurt’s arms when he comes, the sound of his harsh panting overpowered by the thundering rain. Kurt presses his lips to the curve of his jaw, buries his face in his neck as he continues to thrust until he comes with a low whimper. They lie together, their chests sweaty and legs tangled together. Kurt’s softening cock is still inside Sebastian and the oversensitivity is almost painful but Sebastian holds Kurt tighter when he tries to move away.  
  
“No,” he whispers. “Stay just a bit longer.”   
  
“I’m staying with you forever, remember?” Kurt says with a smile.  
  
“I hope so,” Sebastian says. “I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”   
  
“Well with any luck,” Kurt says, kissing the corner of his mouth and pushing away the sweaty strands of his hair from his forehead. “You want have to do without me.”  
__  
  
Sebastian shook him awake some time later, his hand gentle but firm. “Come on, sleeping beauty, that’s enough.”   
  
“Don’t call me that,” Kurt mumbled automatically, fighting the urge to push Sebastian away. He was still hanging onto the last, lazy shreds of sleep and his body stretched before he had even opened his eyes.  
  
Sebastian must have thought that he was turning over to go back to sleep because he groaned. “God, you sleep a lot,” he said. “Wasn’t a whole week of unconsciousness enough for you?”  
  
Kurt finally opened his eyes to glare at him but all he got in return was a wide grin. He sat up, kicking the blanket away from his body. “What time is it?”   
  
“Lunch time, buddy,” his father called from the table. “Come on. You don’t want to miss this.”   
  
Sebastian stepped back when Kurt stood up and there was a brief moment when Kurt looked at him and remembered the brush of knuckles against his face. “What?” Sebastian asked, a crease forming between his brows.   
  
“Nothing,” Kurt said with a shake of his head. “I guess I’m still waking up.”

Kurt insisted on doing the dishes after lunch because he felt useless after a day of nothing but lazing around and napping, though he didn’t tell that to Sebastian. When Sebastian tried to protest and get him to just use the dish washer, Kurt snapped at him. “I’ve lost my memory, Sebastian. Not my motor skills. I think I can handle a few plates and glasses.”   
  
“Jesus, you can wash the fucking dishes. No need to get your claws out.” Sebastian said. “Less work for me.”   
  
Burt had to run down to the store for a few supplies, he asked them if they needed anything to which both of them shook their heads. It wasn’t until the apartment door closed behind him that Kurt realized they were alone and that Sebastian was staring at him. He ignored him for as long as he could, focusing instead on the mechanical task at hand. It felt good to do something even if it was as simple as washing dishes. Kurt was about to ask if he could take over cooking duties for the night when Sebastian broke the silence.  
  
“So what did you think?”   
  
“Of what?” Kurt asked, not looking at him.   
  
“Lunch.”  
  
“It was okay.”   
  
“Do you believe me now when I say I’m the superior cook?”   
  
Kurt chanced a look at Sebastian who was sitting on the stool Kurt had occupied that morning. “You made grilled chicken and mashed potatoes,” he said. “Not exactly gourmet cuisine.”   
  
“I was working with a hangover,” Sebastian said, sounding offended. “Cut a guy some slack.” Kurt shrugged as he dragged the soaping sponge down a plate. He almost jumped when he felt Sebastian’s chest brush against his back. When had he moved from his place? “Relax, tiger. I’m just making things easier.” Sebastian said, reaching for a towel and grabbing a wet plate.  
  
“I see your habit of calling me names that aren’t you know,  _my actual name_  hasn’t died over the years,” Kurt said.   
  
Sebastian grinned. “I only use them with specific reason.”   
  
“What might those be?”   
  
“Depends,” Sebastian said with a shrug, taking another plate from Kurt’s hand. “Either I’m trying to irritate you like I am right now. Or I’m in a romantic mood or -” he stopped when he saw that Kurt had tensed. “I mostly just call you Kurt.” he finished quickly.  
  
The silence between them was awkward for a second before the ringtone of Sebastian’s cell phone filled the apartment. “Are you trying to wake the dead?” Kurt asked, looking over at the coffee table where the phone was vibrating along with the sound. He thought he saw a hint of bitterness in Sebastian’s smile.   
  
It was Blaine, promising to come by after work with dinner. “Kurt do you want Chinese or pizza?” Sebastian called out.   
  
“Anything as long as it’s not dripping with grease,” Kurt said.   
  
“Just grab a few burgers.” Sebastian said and Kurt somehow knew just by his tone that he was rolling his eyes. “No, he’s got his hands occupied at the moment. You can talk to him when you see him later.”   
  
Kurt almost turned around and told Sebastian to give him the phone anyway, he was so eager to talk to Blaine but by then, Sebastian had already hung up. At least he would see him this evening, Kurt said to himself. He couldn’t stop the grin that spread on his face at the prospect. 


	5. Chapter 5

Kurt spent the rest of the afternoon browsing his closet. For the most part, he had to fight the urge to grab his laptop and start researching fashion trends over the past ten years. He found a few pieces with a tag that had the initials KH on them and it took a surprising amount of time for Kurt to recognize that they were actually  _his_ designs. His surprised shout was so loud, both Burt and Sebastian appeared in his doorway within seconds. Kurt flushed a deep shade of red and waved them off but Sebastian stayed anyway, his grin telling Kurt he knew exactly what had prompted the exclamation.   
  
“You’re still working on a proper clothing line,” he said, sitting down on the bed much to Kurt’s dismay. “But you’ve been making stuff for yourself for ages.”

Kurt was silent as he ran his hand over the shirt. He almost asked Sebastian to tell him more – about his designs, about his job - but then he looked up and saw the way Sebastian had slid back on the bed and was lounging there as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Even though Kurt knew this was technically  _their_  bed, seeing Sebastian spread out like that, with the shadows of raindrops playing on his skin made him feel uncomfortable.   
  
He was considering the politest way to tell him to leave when he heard Blaine’s voice out in the hall, greeting Burt. His heart skipped a beat and he quickly turned back to check his reflection in the full length mirror in his closet. His hair was a mess and his clothes weren’t as flattering as they could be, especially after a morning spent rolling around in them, but at least he looked better than he had at the hospital.   
  
Sebastian didn’t notice Kurt’s sudden jumpiness. He called out to Blaine from his position on the bed and grinned lazily at him when Blaine walked through the bedroom door. Kurt’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of him. His hair was dripping with thick droplets of water that fell down in big blotches onto his powder blue button down. The first two buttons were open to reveal a patch of bronze skin damp with rain and Kurt flashed back to the night Blaine’s parents had been out of town and the two of them had spent hours just mouthing over each other’s body.   
  
“Hey,” Blaine said with a bright smile, oblivious to the sudden racing in Kurt’s heart as he made his way towards him.   
  
“Hi,” Kurt managed to say with a smile. He didn’t resist when Blaine pulled him into a hug but he did feel a flash of heat shoot through him when he kissed Kurt’s cheek. Sebastian seemed unfazed by the display of affection and it surprised Kurt given how his last meeting with Blaine had ended on the news of their break up but maybe they were the sort of friends who kissed? Blaine had always been very physically affectionate; Kurt shouldn’t have been surprised that the habit would have stuck after all these years. A kiss on the cheek was probably as normal as a handshake for him by this point.   
  
“How are you doing?” Blaine asked as Kurt joined him and Sebastian on the bed.   
  
“He spent the whole day napping,” Sebastian said with a grin and Kurt elbowed him in the thigh, his eyes fixed on the way Blaine’s grin widened.  
  
“Well that’s good, right? You need your rest.”   
  
“Yeah, I guess.” Kurt said.   
  
It felt oddly familiar sitting on the bed talking to the two of them; his husband and his best friend.

Kurt rolled around the words on tongue as if they would make the roles of these boys any more real in his head. As if the warmth he felt when he looked at Blaine would transfer to when he looked at Sebastian.   
  
It never did.   
  
When Sebastian said he was going to go the bathroom, Kurt almost grabbed his hand and told him to stay because he felt as if a whole cage of butterflies had been let loose in his stomach at the thought of staying alone with Blaine in his bedroom.   
  
Blaine just smiled at him though, playing with one of the cushions as he asked, “So how’re things with Sebastian?”   
  
Kurt shrugged, “We’re getting along. I guess.”   
  
“Give him a chance, Kurt.”   
  
“I have.” Kurt said. “I just keep thinking about the last time I did.”   
  
Blaine looked at him long and hard, as if he was weighing his words before he said them. “That was a long time ago. A lot of things have changed.”   
  
“You’re telling me,” Kurt said with a roll of his eyes.   
  
“It’s stopped raining,” Blaine said and Kurt was about to call him out on his sudden change of topic when Blaine asked, “Have you been on the roof yet?” Kurt shook his head. “Oh my god, you haven’t? Come on, the timing is perfect. The sun hasn’t set yet.”   
  
Kurt found himself being dragged out the bedroom towards the apartment door as Blaine shouted a quick, “We’re going to the roof!” to Burt over his shoulder.   
  
Kurt was too focused on the feeling of Blaine’s hand around his wrist to pay attention to where they were going. He only looked up when they stepped out onto the roof, still a little wet from a day of nonstop rain. 

“Wow,” Kurt breathed.  
  
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Blaine asked, letting go of his hand and stepping forward. “Surprisingly, no one ever comes up here so we can hang out and never have to worry about intruding on someone else’s space.”   
  
Kurt walked over to the ledge and looked out at the city, Blaine coming to stand beside him, his face turned towards the sky. Kurt looked at him, his hand aching to reach out and touch his cheek, trace over the end of day stubble there. Instead, he turned back to the buildings around him and asked, “You’ve been in New York longer than me, right?”   
  
“Only by three years. Give or take a couple of months.”   
  
“And to think I was always worried about how you would deal with being left behind.” Kurt said quietly. Blaine gave him a small smile but didn’t press the subject. “Blaine,” Kurt said, turning his body towards him. “Why did we break up?”   
  
“We were – we were fighting a lot.” Blaine said. “The distance was getting to us both and every time we promised each other we’d try and make it work, about ten things would go wrong simultaneously and it would make everything that much harder.”   
  
“Did either of us...cheat?” When Blaine didn’t reply, Kurt felt his heart sink.   
  
“No,” he said finally. “Not in the literal sense. But emotionally, I think we had moved on a long time before we finally ended things.”   
  
That was worse than anything. Kurt felt tears start to gather in his eyes at the thought of him and Blaine struggling to make a relationship work when neither of them was emotionally invested anymore. It just wasn’t something he could process right now. He could never think of a point where he didn’t love Blaine with all his heart.   
  
“I’m glad I don’t remember it.” Kurt said in a quiet voice. “I don’t want to remember falling out of love with you. I don’t – I can’t think of how I ever  _could_.”  
  
“We moved on, Kurt. That was all.” Blaine said. “We still love each other, just not in the way we used to. It’s not any less intense – just different.”   
  
Kurt wiped his eyes, trying to stop the tears from escaping. He didn’t want to cry. Not over something he was sure he had already devoted several hours to crying over. “You know what the worst part is?” Kurt asked. “It’s not that we broke up – it’s how I don’t remember all the good stuff in the years we were together. Senior prom, winning Nationals together, sneaking you into my dorm room – did I sneak you into my dorm room?”   
  
Blaine grinned. “A couple of times.”   
  
Kurt laughed. It sounded wet. “See?”  
  
“Well you still have pictures of all of it. Maybe not the dorm room part, but Nationals and prom – Facebook is probably full of them.”   
  
“I just,” Kurt took a deep breath. “I guess I’m looking for some sort of closure.”   
  
“Closure?” Blaine repeated, frowning a little.  
  
Kurt looked at him and nodded slowly, eyes raking over his face and still seeing the same Blaine he had always seen, just a little older. “Blaine,” he said in an almost terrified whisper. “Can I kiss you?”   
  
Blaine’s face immediately became guarded. “Kurt -”   
  
“No, please. Just listen to me.” Kurt said, cutting him off. “Just one time. One last time. Think of it as a consolation prize for missing out on the years of being together that I don’t remember. Please, Blaine.”   
  
“Kurt, you’re -” Kurt knew he was going to say  _married_  but he didn’t. Blaine looked at him with hesitation and sympathy, the same way he had looked at him the first time Kurt had confessed his crush to him. Kurt’s heart pounded while he waited for Blaine’s answer, he could see his mind working behind his eyes. Finally, he took a deep breath and said “For closure?”   
  
Kurt smiled, relief washing over him. “For closure.”

-

“Where did Kurt and Blaine go?” Sebastian asked after he came out of the bathroom to find the bedroom empty.   
  
Burt was watching football and didn’t look away from the screen when he said, “They went up on the roof.”   
  
Sebastian slipped into a pair of sandals and took the stairs two at a time, finding the door wide open when he got to the top. The sun was just about setting but there was still enough light to make out Kurt and Blaine standing off to his left. Sebastian made a move towards them but stopped in his tracks when he saw how they were pressed together.   
  
For a moment he thought his eyes must have been playing tricks on him. He grappled for an explanation that would explain why Blaine was currently cupping Kurt’s face with both hands or why Kurt had his fingers threaded through Blaine’s curls, holding him close. His brain tried and failed to give him a valid answer and as much as he wanted to, as much it felt like a blow to heart every second he kept staring, Sebastian couldn’t look away.   
  
He stood frozen, feeling sick as he watched the two of them kiss; his husband and his best friend.

-

Sebastian didn’t remember going back downstairs. He didn’t answer when Burt asked him if something was wrong, just walked past him into the bedroom where everything had been so perfect just a few minutes ago, and shut the door. The image of Kurt and Blaine seemed to be burned into the back of his eyelids. Every time he so much as blinked, he was treated to the sight of them kissing with a passion he hadn’t seen between them in  _years_.   
  
It wasn’t like Sebastian hadn’t anticipated Kurt’s feelings towards Blaine, he just hadn’t expected them to lead anywhere because he had never thought  _Blaine_  would let them. He didn’t know whether he was more hurt or angry. Probably a wild mixture of both.  
  
The door opened and Blaine walked in, looking surprised when he saw Sebastian standing in the middle of the room. “Oh hey – we were wondering where you were.” he said, but Sebastian noticed how he was avoiding his gaze.   
  
“Where’s Kurt?” Sebastian asked, his voice surprisingly calm.  
  
“He’s still on the roof. I guess he wanted to look at the view a bit longer.”   
  
“Really?” Sebastian said in a flat voice.  
  
“Yeah,” Blaine gave him a small smile and rubbed the back of his neck. Sebastian wondered if he knew how the guilt was seeping through every moment of his body. His eyes kept flickering from Sebastian to the windows before he finally said, “Listen Sebastian, I think I’m going to stay away for a bit.”  
  
“Stay away?”  
  
“I think it’s best for all of us.”   
  
“Did something happen?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“No, no. Nothing happened.” Blaine said quickly.   
  
“Why don’t you say that again, Blaine?” Sebastian said, his voice dangerously calm. “With a little more conviction this time.”   
  
Blaine looked at Sebastian with panicked eyes. “I don’t - What?”   
  
“I’ll tell you what,” Sebastian said, stepping closer to him. “I just saw you kissing my husband not two minutes ago.” Blaine’s expression froze and Sebastian felt a tinge of satisfaction at how the color drained from his face. “And instead of dealing with how big of a  _dick_  you are to do that to me and to Kurt, you’re just going to run away.”   
  
“It’s not like that -”  
  
“Isn’t it?” Sebastian said, his anger rising to the surface now. “What’s it like then Blaine? Because from what it looked like, you were definitely kissing  _my husband_  on that roof knowing full well how he feels about you and how having you kiss him is the last thing he needs right now!”   
  
“Sebastian -”  
  
“You’re my _best friend_ , you asshole!” Sebastian shouted, not bothering to keep his voice low. “What the  _fuck_  were you thinking? How could you possibly have justified doing something like that?”   
  
“Kurt said -”  
  
“ _Kurt is stuck ten years in the past_. You’re not!”   
  
Blaine opened and closed his mouth but decided against saying anything. Sebastian fought the urge to hit him, balled his hands into fists at his side instead and breathed through his nose in an attempt to calm himself.   
  
“Get out,” he said finally.   
  
Blaine blinked. “What?”   
  
“I said get out. You’re right, it’s best if you stay away for a while. It’s bad enough that Kurt hates me right now, I don’t need you making things worse than they already are.”   
  
“I’m sorry,” Blaine said, rubbing his face with his hand. “I really am.”   
  
Sebastian didn’t say anything, just clenched his jaw and waited for Blaine to leave. Blaine looked at him with a desperate expression on his face as if he was searching for the right words to fix everything but then he just nodded, looking as broken as Sebastian felt when he left.

- 

Dinner was tense. Burt kept looking at Sebastian with a questioning frown but he didn’t press for any details even though he was bound to have heard bits of his argument with Blaine. Instead, he kept up a steady stream of conversation with Kurt, talking about meaningless things which Kurt only replied to in monosyllables. For the first time, Sebastian wished Burt hadn’t been there; he knew he was only trying to help but Sebastian didn’t need anyone’s help right now. What he needed was time alone with Kurt so they could both figure this out without anyone’s misguided attempts at helping them.   
  
His frustration with him faded away when Burt got up and declared he was going to bed early. Sebastian waited until the bedroom door had shut behind him before he finally turned his gaze to Kurt. He hadn’t asked where Blaine had gone nor had he said one word to Sebastian throughout the evening. He chewed his food in silence, sniffing occasionally in a way that made Sebastian think he was fighting tears.  
  
“Are you okay?” he asked.   
  
Kurt shrugged.   
  
“Kurt?”   
  
“I’m done,” Kurt said, dropping the rest of his burger onto his plate. “I can’t eat anymore. It feels like I’m stuffing cotton in my mouth.”   
  
“Do you want a drink?”   
  
“I think I’m going to go to bed.” Kurt said, pushing back his chair and standing up.   
  
“Wait,” Sebastian said and Kurt sighed, turning to look at him impatiently. Sebastian stood up, careful not to step into Kurt’s comfort zone, knowing he would close off even further. “Don’t go to bed yet.”   
  
“I’m tired.”   
  
“You spent the whole day sleeping!” Sebastian backtracked when he saw the way Kurt’s eyes narrowed. “Can we just – I don’t know, talk?”   
  
“Why?” Kurt asked as if the idea was ridiculous.   
  
“Do we need a reason?” Sebastian said, trying his best to hide his desperation. “I just want to talk.”   
  
Kurt looked at him closely for a moment and Sebastian felt hopeful that he would nod and sit back down but Kurt just shook his head and said, “I’m really not in the mood right now.”  
  
Sebastian stood looking after him for a long time, his mind swimming and his stomach clenching painfully before he found himself walking down the hall towards his bedroom, a new determination in his step. He didn’t knock, just opened the door and walked in. Kurt looked up in alarm from where he was sitting on the bed and wiped his face hastily before he glared at him, “What?”   
  
“Are you even trying?” Sebastian said, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  _What are you doing in my room_?”   
  
“This is our room.”   
  
Kurt huffed. “Sebastian, just leave me alone.”   
  
“I don’t think you are,” Sebastian continued, ignoring him. “I don’t think you care about us enough to try and make this work.”   
  
“What is that supposed to mean?” Kurt said, standing up.   
  
“It means I’m your husband and you couldn’t care less about me or how I feel in about all of this.”  
  
“See this is exactly what I was talking about,” Kurt said, shaking his head. “I feel like I’m  _obligated_  to love you just because you’re my husband and you make it so difficult to try and -”  
  
“That’s just it, though!” Sebastian said, his body practically shaking. “You aren’t trying. You’re not making the slightest effort to remember anything.”   
  
“I didn’t know there was a rulebook of how to go about regaining your memory.” Kurt snapped.   
  
“You don’t need a rulebook to tell you that you don’t go around kissing your ex boyfriends when you’re married, Kurt!”

Kurt froze, much like Blaine had. “He told you?” he asked in a quiet voice.   
  
“I saw you both,” Sebastian said. “Do you have any idea how I felt when I -”  
  
“Do you have any idea how  _I_  feel?!” Kurt said, cutting him off. His posture was defensive, tears gathering in his eyes. “So much has changed and I’ve barely had time to process it. It’s not as easy as pushing a button, Sebastian. My memory isn’t going to return just because I  _tried_  to remember something.” He put his hands to his temples and massaged them in slow circles, letting out a deep breath. “Everything is just so damn confusing for me right now,” he said, looking back up at Sebastian with wet eyes. “I know I promised to try and make this work but – it’s not working. I’m sorry. The truth is that I don’t love you. I  _can’t_  love you. I just can’t. And wearing some stupid, expensive rings isn’t going to change that.”   
  
Sebastian’s body didn’t give him any warning. The tears sprung to his eyes and started streaming down his cheeks before he had a chance to do anything about them. Kurt seemed to realize what he’d said and his face changed; his lips parted and the crease in his eyebrow disappeared, replaced instead by guilt carved into every inch of his features. “Sebastian, I didn’t -”   
  
“You were right before,” Sebastian said through his tears. “You’re not my husband. You’re not my Kurt.”   
  
Kurt’s eyes flared with anger and he took a step forward, the words falling from his lips almost like a reflex. “I  _am_  your Kurt.”

There was a stunned pause after that where they both stared at each other and Sebastian felt his heart skip a few beats in succession. The sheer  _force_  with which Kurt had said the words sent a shiver through him and it took all his self control to remain standing where he was and not reach out and grab Kurt.

“I – I don’t know where that came from,” Kurt said in a shocked whisper. His whole body was quivering; the rushing sound in his ears was back and a disgusting throbbing had started up in his head, the kind that occurred after he had spent a long time crying. He pressed the heel of his hands to both his eyes and tried to block his vision, tried to take deep calming breaths and clear his head.  
  
His words were still echoing in his head.   
  
 _I **am**  your Kurt_  
  
He hadn’t even been aware of what he’d said until the words were hanging in the air between them. It had been as natural as saying, ‘are you crazy?’ when someone insisted that flip flops were considered respectable footwear. He didn’t know what had prompted it except for the fact that the second he had seen Sebastian start to cry, guilt had washed over him like a tidal wave and all he’d wanted to do was make it better.   
  
When Sebastian had said he wasn’t his Kurt, it had  _hurt_. There was no reason for his words to hurt. They were true – Kurt had said as much himself. He  _wasn’t_  Sebastian’s husband, he wasn’t the same Kurt and yet, something inside him had flared up and felt the need to fight back.   
  
It was like there was another  _him_  struggling to come to the surface, to fix what Kurt was screwing up. A Kurt who took comfort in the smell of Sebastian’s body wash, who curled up close to him in his sleep and wore his wedding band proudly rather than hiding it away in a drawer. A Kurt who felt Sebastian’s pain as strongly as if it were his own and refused to let himself be the cause of it.   
  
 _Sebastian’s Kurt._    
  
Kurt wanted to rip him out of his body and throw him at Sebastian. Say ‘here, you have him. Now leave me alone.’   
  
Instead, he was stuck battling with him, trying to reconcile that Kurt’s feelings with his own feelings. It was exhausting and confusing.  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian’s voice was gentle, closer.   
  
“Just go away,” Kurt said without any force.  
  
“Kurt, look at me.” Sebastian’s voice was calm, pleading and it was that, more than anything that made Kurt open his eyes and look at him. “Are you okay?” he asked.  
  
“I’m fine,” Kurt said, taking a step back to put some distance between them.   
  
To his dismay, Sebastian only stepped closer. “You don’t look fine.”   
  
“Sebastian -” but Kurt didn’t have the energy to say anything else except, “I’m sorry.” He wished he’d opened a lamp or something because it suddenly felt too close, too personal standing here in the dark with Sebastian barely an arm’s length away from him. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I shouldn’t have lashed out at you, I shouldn’t have kissed Blaine but I wasn’t thinking and -”  
  
“Hey - hey, ssh.” Sebastian said, closing the last few inches between them and wrapping his arms around Kurt. The promise he’d made last night to keep his distance seemed to have flown out the window for all the care Sebastian took to stay at a respectful distance.   
  
“No, don’t -” Kurt said, trying to twist away from the embrace but Sebastian didn’t budge. Something told him he was used to Kurt pushing him away when he was upset but unlike everyone else, he didn’t back down.  
  
Kurt didn’t want to cry, he really didn’t. But there was something about the way Sebastian was cradling his head against his chest with his other arm wrapped tightly around Kurt’s waist that made him  _want_  to cry. A battle seemed to be raging between how his body wanted to press in closer and let Sebastian hold him and how his mind refused to come to terms with the fact that he was letting Sebastian Smythe comfort him.  
  
His body won because Kurt let out a shuddering breath and relaxed in Sebastian’s arms. Sensing the sudden lack of resistance, Sebastian tightened his grip. His fingers threaded through Kurt’s hair, stroking along his scalp in a slow, soothing motion and his chin came to rest on top of his head.   
  
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “You have issues to sort out, I get that. I just wish you would let me help you instead of going to someone else.”

“I wasn’t thinking of you when I kissed him.” Kurt said. “Maybe I should have, but I wasn’t. You have to understand that I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  
  
“I know you didn’t.” Sebastian said with a sigh. “You don’t care about me enough to think of hurting of me – no, don’t try to deny it. It’s the truth and we both know it.”   
  
“If I didn’t care,” Kurt said slowly. “I wouldn’t have apologized. I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t love you. I don’t. But – I do care about you. To some extent, at least.”  
  
“You didn’t just say you don’t love me, Kurt. You said you  _can’t_.” Sebastian said, pulling back. His expression was heartbroken.  
  
If there was any way to talk all of his words back, Kurt would. The hurt on Sebastian’s face was breaking him more than his own pain.   
  
 _We’re in the same situation,_  he thought with a burning sadness. _We both woke up one day to find out that the person we love most doesn’t love us back anymore._  
  
Kurt hated feeling like he owed something to anyone but he knew he owed it to Sebastian to be honest with him. If Blaine had closed himself off and refused to talk to Kurt, it would have torn his heart apart. He may not have been Sebastian's Kurt one hundred percent but he was all Sebastian had and it may have been an obligation, but it was something Kurt would have expected too if the situation were reversed.  
  
“When I was in the hospital,” Kurt said quietly, “Doctor Hendricks told me that one of the main causes of stress in my situation would be the complete lack of control I had over my life. She said that since  _this_  version of my life isn’t going to make any sense to me, I might try and hold on to everything I know from my past in order to feel less lost.”   
  
“And that’s what you were doing with Blaine.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement. “You were trying to feel less lost.”   
  
“I was looking for closure.” Kurt said. “It’s easier to let go of things like not going to NYADA or never making it on to Broadway because I don’t remember experiencing them. But Blaine meant  _so much_  to me. He was one of the best things that ever happened in Lima. You can’t hate me for wanting to hold on to how safe I felt with him.”   
  
“I don’t hate you.” Sebastian said. “You just hate me.”   
  
Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I hate the Sebastian that I remember,” he said when he opened his eyes again. “You’re not him. It’s just difficult for me to separate you two.”  
  
“Kurt, be honest – before, when you said you’re  _my Kurt_ , what were you thinking?”   
  
“I wasn’t thinking.”   
  
“You were thinking something.”   
  
Kurt shook his head. “I wasn’t. I had no idea I’d said the words until a second after I’d said them.”   
  
“You know what I think?” Sebastian said. “I think somewhere in here...” his hand came up to brush Kurt’s temple and trace back over his head. “Somewhere in your subconscious mind, you remember me. It’s like you said yesterday, you know there’s a reason you married me. You  _know_  there’s a part of you loves me but you don’t let that part of you come out consciously because the idea of loving me scares you too much.”   
  
“How do you know me so well?” For the second time that night, Kurt wasn’t able to stop the words until he’d already said them.   
  
Sebastian smiled, his hand drifting down from his forehead to touch Kurt’s cheek lightly. “Because,” he said. “If you’re my Kurt, then I’m also your Sebastian.”


	6. Chapter 6

  
For the first time since the accident, Kurt woke up the next day feeling light and happy. Not happy, exactly. Just – calm. He didn’t need a moment to take in his surroundings, his eyes were already expecting to see the blinds he’d let down over the windows before he went to bed last night. It had been in anticipation of blocking the sunlight so he could sleep in longer but it had been of no use – judging by the time on his bedside alarm clock, it was just past dawn.   
  
Kurt stretched before turning on his side to face the empty side of the bed. He wondered what it felt like to wake up in the mornings with Sebastian sleeping next to him, whether Sebastian had any annoying sleeping habits like hogging the blankets or snoring or talking in his sleep. Did he still find them endearing or were they already at the point where snoring would result in a smack to the face with a pillow accompanied by ‘shut up, I’m trying to sleep’.   
  
Marriage had always been something Kurt thought about even when it was never a possibility for him growing up in Ohio. It had been a glamorous, idealized version of events more than anything. The rings, the suits, the cake. He’d dreamed of what song he would dance to with his husband for the first time and where they would go on their honeymoon.   
  
 _This_  part of married life, the realistic part, was something he hadn’t given much thought to. He hadn’t had the chance to digest the idea of being married and all that it would entail. Instead, he’d found himself thrust headfirst into all of it.   
  
Sebastian was – he was not the husband Kurt had dreamed of - but last night had changed the way Kurt looked at things. He wasn’t ready to jump into their relationship with everything he had yet, but he was willing to make a conscious effort to recognize, if not remember, the reasons he had fallen in love with him. It wasn’t going to be a situation he resigned himself to anymore, he was going to make it a choice – something he  _wanted_  - because the truth was, after last night, he  _did_  want this.  
  
Things weren’t any less confusing for him, but there had been a moment, several moments in fact when he had felt at peace with everything and it had been because of Sebastian. He made things feel less like a burden. Burt, Blaine, Rachel, Finn -  _everyone_  he had talked to since waking up had promised to be there for him whenever he needed them. Kurt was grateful and he knew their concern came from a place of caring but there was something different about Sebastian.   
  
Even with all the crap Kurt had given him, with all the complications of their situation, there was an underlying promise of  _we’re in this together_. Something deeper than what he had with everyone else, even his dad. Sebastian was  _his_  - as crazy, as scary, as absurd as that was – Sebastian was his. They  _were_  in this together and it wasn’t just because they were married. It was because they loved each other, a love strong enough that Kurt could recognize the strength of it without any memory of how they reached that point.   
  
Sebastian had been right, Kurt  _hadn’t_  been trying. He hadn’t felt comfortable enough to try and think about their relationship, he’d been too fixated on everything else. Now that he was beginning to understand bits and pieces, he wanted to try. Letting go of the past had been the first step, it was time to step into the present and take control of his life as it was instead of hanging onto the fragments he remembered.

Sleep feeling like a lost cause, Kurt rolled out of bed straight into the bathroom. He would need to shave soon and their tub was begging for him to try it out but Kurt felt too lazy to do anything other than brush his teeth at the moment.   
  
Sebastian was fast asleep when Kurt walked into the lounge. Kurt noted with a certain level of relief that he wasn’t snoring. He was, however, falling off the sofa.   
  
So, he took up a lot of space while sleeping. Great.  
  
Kurt poured himself some juice and searched around in the cupboards for some cereal. Once again, he felt the urge to cook something but he didn’t want to wake Sebastian by the clatter of pots and pans so he stuck to a simple breakfast.   
  
He had brought his planner outside with him and he flipped through the pages as he ate. The dates prior to his accident were filled with notes and appointments. Kurt read through them with interest – the name Van came up more than once;  _Tell Van to return samples_ ,  _Have Van call in Mrs. Trevor_ ,  _Ask Van if she’ll cover with app. with David K. at 2_. From the looks of it, Kurt guessed she was his assistant.  
  
 _I have an assistant. Wow_    
  
Most of the recent pages were not as inked down. The upcoming Saturday had been crossed out completely; the words GO ON A DATE WITH MY FUCKING HUSBAND written in large, block letters across it. Kurt stared at them for a long time before he shut his planner and pushed it away. 

Yeah, not ready to throw himself into the relationship yet.   
  
“Hey,” Kurt looked up to find his dad smiling at him. “Watchya doing?”   
  
“Nothing, just going through stuff.” Kurt said. “Do you want breakfast?”  
  
“I just want coffee,” Burt said, wandering over to the coffee maker. His gaze fell on Sebastian and he sighed. “I feel so bad about him sleeping out here.”   
  
Kurt looked over his shoulder at the sofa at Sebastian’s sleeping form. “I’m not ready to sleep with him yet,” he said, cringing when he realized the implications of the statement.  
  
Burt didn’t seem to catch any underlying meaning because all he said was, “I’m not saying you should. I’m saying  _I_  feel bad for taking up what could have been his bedroom in this situation.”   
  
“I’m sure he doesn’t mind, dad.” Kurt said.  
  
“Yeah but, do I really need to be here?”   
  
“Of course you do,” Kurt said immediately.   
  
“Look kid, if you need me, I’ll stay. But I think what you need is some time alone with him.” he looked at Sebastian pointedly before looking back at Kurt who had now started worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “I feel like I’m in your way.”   
  
“You’re not,” Kurt said.  
  
Sebastian stirred awake behind them and the conversation came to a halt as both Kurt and Burt turned to watch him roll off the sofa onto the floor with a muffled, “Oooph,”   
  
“Yup.” Burt said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “I think I’ll check into a hotel tonight.”

-  
  
“What are you doing?” Sebastian asked when he came out of the shower a while later and saw Kurt going through the kitchen cupboards again.  
  
“Looking for ingredients,” Kurt said. “I’m making lunch today.”   
  
“Why?”   
  
“Because I have this urge to cook,” Kurt said, pulling out a packet of egg noodles. “Get some semblance of normalcy back in my life.” Sebastian shrugged and reached for the cereal box Kurt had left on the counter. Kurt caught a whiff of his body wash and he couldn’t stop himself from inhaling deeply. He was glad Sebastian got distracted by the sight of Kurt’s planner to notice. “Yeah, I was going through that earlier.” Kurt said when he saw the frown on his face.   
  
“Did it jog your memory on anything?” Sebastian asked but his voice wasn’t hopeful.   
  
“Nope.”   
  
“Big surprise.”   
  
Kurt shrugged and turned back to the ingredients he had taken out. There was a sudden tension in his shoulders that hadn’t been present before Sebastian came out. He couldn’t concentrate on the task at hand when he was constantly reminded of last night and how he had let himself be more vulnerable in front of Sebastian than he ever had before.   
  
“You know what,” he said, putting the packet of noodles back inside the cupboard. “Let’s just order something.”   
  
Sebastian continued to chew his cereal, frowning. “What happened to gaining some semblance of normalcy?” he asked.   
  
“I have questions,” Kurt said, leaning over the counter. “And you’re going to answer them.”

-

A friend of Burt’s in the city had called him for a day of catching up; Kurt had a suspicion that Burt was lying but he didn’t stop his dad when he tried to leave. He just hugged him and asked him to have dinner with them before he went to his hotel that night.  
  
“He doesn’t have to go to a hotel when we have a guest room.” Sebastian said, folding the blanket he’d been using for the night and draping it over the back of the sofa. “That’s _why_ they’re called guest rooms. They’re  _for guests_.”  
  
Kurt didn’t say anything, just leaned against the front door and watched Sebastian rearrange the cushions on the couch. He still looked tired and the fact that he’d changed right back into his sweatpants and the t-shirt that he’d slept in after his shower didn’t make him look any fresher. Kurt almost pushed him into the bedroom and told him to sleep but Sebastian turned around and asked, “So how are we doing this?”   
  
“Uh -” Kurt hadn’t actually thought about this part. He had questions, but just like immediately after his accident, there was no cohesion to them. Sebastian raised his eyebrows, waiting. “How about we go through pictures and I ask questions as they come up? Maybe the visuals will help.”   
  
Sebastian shrugged. “We don’t have albums so you’re going to have to get your laptop.”   
  
His laptop, it turned out, was locked. Kurt looked to Sebastian expectantly where he was sitting next to him on one of the kitchen stools. Sebastian grinned, his eyes glinting with something playful and wicked. Kurt knew that look well, it was the same look Sebastian had got when he’d first said  _I don’t like you_  at the Lima Bean years ago.  
  
“What?” Kurt asked.  
  
Sebastian’s grin widened. “Wouldn’t it be fun if I didn’t tell you your password?”  
  
“No it wouldn’t.”   
  
“I think it would.”   
  
“ _I_  think you need to stop smirking and tell me my damn password.” Kurt said, narrowing his eyes in warning.  
  
Sebastian crossed his arms over his chest and grinned. “No, I don’t think so.”   
  
“Sebastian,” Kurt said in a warning tone.  
  
“Kurt,” he replied calmly.  
  
Kurt’s jaw tightened. “Fine,” he said, turning back to his laptop. “I don’t need your help.”   
  
He was determined to retrieve his password from the depths of his memory if he had to but it was as if someone had wiped his mind completely because he couldn’t even _try_  and think of possible passwords. Knowing it would never work, he typed in the password he remembered for his old laptop. Predictably, it was wrong. Kurt exhaled through his nose and clicked the ‘hint’ button that had popped up at the incorrect guess.  
  
 _I don’t need a hint for my own password and if you’re not me, why would I give you one?_  
  
He could feel Sebastian shaking with silent laughter next to him but Kurt didn’t turn his head to look at him, just clenched his hand into a fist next to his laptop and said, “Shut up.”   
  
Sebastian burst out laughing at that, the sound echoing around the apartment. Kurt felt his irritation flare; Sebastian must have sensed it because he choked on a laugh and said, “Okay. Okay. Sorry.”   
  
“Are you done being a jerk now?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.   
  
“For the time being,” Sebastian said, tilting the laptop towards himself and typing in the password too fast for Kurt to read the keys. He forgot to ask him what it was for future reference when his desktop came up and he caught sight of his wallpaper. It was a photograph of the two of them. The dim lights and several empty cups next to Kurt’s elbow made him think they were at a party of some sort. Sebastian had his head on Kurt’s shoulder and Kurt’s cheek was pressed to the top of his hair. Their eyes were slightly bloodshot but their grins were loose and genuine.   
  
Kurt didn’t move for a second, just stared at how happy picture-Kurt looked and wondered if there was a possibility he could ever feel like that with Sebastian again.  
  
“I don’t know if you remember, but you have to press that little icon over there to access the internet.” Sebastian said from beside him. He looked unfazed by the picture, still intent on teasing Kurt. With how grateful he was that this hadn’t become awkward, Kurt forgot to retort and clicked the browser icon in silence.

His heart was thumping as he opened up Facebook, knowing that there were probably hundreds of pictures just like his wallpaper waiting for him. Kurt had so far avoided spending too much time dwelling on the photographs of him and Sebastian that were scattered all over the apartment. It was hard enough to come to terms with the living, breathing version of Sebastian right in front of him, he hadn’t felt the need to weigh himself down with picture-Sebastian too.  
  
“Oh god, don’t tell me you don’t have your passwords saved on this,” Sebastian said suddenly, pulling Kurt from his thoughts.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“You don’t keep yourself logged in?”   
  
“Apparently not,” Kurt said.   
  
“Well this is a problem.”   
  
“Why?”   
  
“ _Because_  genius,” Sebastian said with a roll of his eyes. “I don’t know your Facebook password.”   
  
“I refuse to believe you never Facebook stalked me.” Kurt said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“Of course I did,” Sebastian scoffed. “But it kind of loses its appeal after you get married. I don’t even remember the last time I was on your profile. I have no need of knowing your password.”   
  
Kurt sighed and turned his eyes back to the blue and white of Facebook’s login page. “This sucks.”   
  
“I’m pretty sure Blaine knows,” Sebastian said, his voice laced with air of forced causality. “He changes your statuses to something ridiculous at least once a month.” Kurt fought back a smile; Blaine  _would_. “I’ll get the phone,” Sebastian said, pushing back his stool and standing up. The corners of his mouth were turned down but he forced a smile when he came back with his cell phone, Blaine’s number already dialed in.  
  
“Hello?” Blaine’s voice sounded tentative but hopeful. He must have thought it was Sebastian, Kurt realized with a pang. The details of Sebastian’s conversation with Blaine after the kiss were unknown to him, but he knew enough to guess that they weren’t exactly on good terms at the moment.   
  
“Um, hey. It’s me.”   
  
“Kurt?” Blaine said in a surprised voice. “Hey, are you okay?”   
  
“I’m fine. What’s my Facebook password?”  _Might as well get straight to the point._.  
  
“Your Facebook password?”   
  
“Yes, Blaine.” Kurt said with some impatience. “My password. Sebastian says you might know it.”   
  
“Uh – yeah, I do. I think. You threatened to change it after last time but it’s worth a shot. Try  _pinap1_ ”  
  
Kurt typed it into the bar and pressed enter, holding his breath as the page refreshed. He sighed when it directed him to his homepage. “It worked,” he said with a grin. “What does pinap1 mean?”   
  
Blaine laughed, “Password is not a password. The 1 stands for an exclamation point.”  
  
“Thanks, Blaine.”  
  
“No problem.”   
  
Kurt cut the call and scanned the homepage, ignoring the red bubble that told him he had over 300 notifications. “The layout is different from what I remember,” he said absently.  
  
“Why would Facebook not keep the same layout they had ten years ago? What were they  _thinking_?”   
  
Kurt turned to glare at Sebastian. “Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?”   
  
“I didn’t wake up in a bed,” Sebastian said with a grin.  
  
Kurt huffed. “Just – shut up for a minute, okay?” He clicked through to his profile; it was just as confusing as his home page but he skimmed through the basics, feeling only marginally uncomfortable when he saw  **Married to Sebastian Smythe**  as his relationship status.   
  
“ _Nicole S.?_ ” he asked when he saw his work information.   
  
“That’s the label you work for.”  
  
“Never heard of it.”   
  
Sebastian smiled. “Let’s leave that one for now. Too many resulting questions.”  
  
“Isn’t that the point of all this?” Kurt asked. “Asking questions?”   
  
“Do you really want to waste our time talking about work?”   
  
“It’s a part of my life isn’t it?”   
  
“If a picture related to work comes up, we’ll talk.” Sebastian said. “Okay?”   
  
Kurt turned back to the screen. His wall was full of posts from friends and co workers giving him their best wishes. More than half of the names were unfamiliar to him. There was too much to go through so he gave up and clicked through to what he hoped were his photo archives. Sebastian laughed at the look on his face when he saw the number of pictures he was tagged in.

“Oh my god,” he said in disbelief. “How am I supposed to go through all of these? It’s going to take forever.”   
  
“You  _do_  have ten years worth of catching up to do,” Sebastian said with a shrug.  
  
Kurt glared at him. “You’re not helping.”   
  
“Tell you what.” Sebastian said, setting down his mug. “How about we go through photos others have tagged of you instead of going through every album individually. You can see more stuff that way. Unless -” he paused, eyes flickering from the screen to Kurt’s face. “Is there someone in particular you want to stalk?”   
  
 _Blaine, you_  Kurt thought but all he said was, “No. Tagged pictures are fine.”   
  
Sebastian nodded and tilted the laptop towards himself again so he could get to the right page. “There,” he said, sliding the laptop back to Kurt. “Those are pictures of your Nationals trip. Just keep going forward.”   
  
There was so much to cover. Kurt went through endless photographs, flicking through them so fast in his haste, they became a blur. Sebastian told him to slow down once or twice but Kurt just said, “My life. Shut up.”   
  
He went through photos of graduation, his heart seizing up at the ones of him and Rachel clinging to each other, crying. They had probably known their dreams of going to New York together weren’t going to become reality by that point. Sebastian didn’t have much to say about any of the photos but Kurt knew Rachel would have more than enough to talk about when they met.  
  
“What are you doing?” Sebastian asked when Kurt clicked back to his tagged photo page and started scrolling forward through the years.  
  
“Looking for pictures of us,” Kurt said. He missed the way Sebastian straightened in his chair in anticipation. “There’s no point of going through pictures you have no clue about when  _you’re_  the one who is supposed to be talking me through them.”  
  
“Well in that case -”  
  
“Hey!” Kurt said when Sebastian took the laptop from him. “What the hell?”  
  
“Sh,” Sebastian hushed him, his eyes intent on the screen. He moved his stool closer to Kurt’s and their arms brushed when he set the laptop between them. “Here we are,” he said, nodding towards the page he had opened. “Kurt Hummel and Sebastian Smythe over the years.”   
  
 _Bless this stupid website_  Kurt thought when he saw something that looked like an updated version of Facebook’s friendship page. There was a photograph of him and Sebastian at the top of the page with the caption  _Married_ written just beneath it. Sebastian clicked through to photos of them and scrolled back to open up the very first one.   
  
It was a group shot; Kurt had his arms around another boy and there were three more people between him and Sebastian. “You know,” he said. “You never did tell me much about how we became friends.”   
  
“Okay, so.” Sebastian licked his lips, excitement practically  _radiating_  off him as he angled his body towards Kurt. “You know we met at a coffee shop right?”   
  
“You might have mentioned it.”   
  
“Well. That was the beginning.”   
  
“Are you talking about the Lima Bean or -”  
  
“Roasters.”   
  
“Roasters?”  
  
Sebastian nodded, turning back to the laptop and furiously flicking through photographs. “We’ve got to have a picture of it -” he kept going through photographs but didn’t stop talking. “Anyway – you were working an internship at Vogue -”   
  
“Really?”   
  
“You hated it,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “It would stress you out so much by the end of the day that when we ran into each other, you’d take every ounce of your frustration out on me. It was fun.”   
  
Kurt rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure.”  
  
“You know it was,” Sebastian said with a confident grin. “Deny it all you want, but you’ve always found our banter sexy.”  
  
“I have not.” Kurt said firmly.  
  
Sebastian’s grin was impossibly wide by this point. “Cute,” he said. “But you’re forgetting that we’re past the point of secrets now. You told me.”   
  
Kurt blushed, scowling. It wasn’t fair that Sebastian knew him this well while all Kurt had of him in his memory was a cocky boy in a Dalton blazer intent on destroying the first relationship Kurt had ever had with a boy.   
  
“Getting back to this,” he said, pushing Sebastian’s hand away from the keyboard and taking control of navigation.

They went through picture after picture, stopping at ones that piqued Kurt’s interest more than others. He didn’t pay much attention to the [shots of them kissing ](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz3bd7G7cu1r7hbcyo1_500.jpg)or posing for the camera with their arms around each other. The pictures that captured his attention more were candid shots, things like him and Sebastian bent over a piece of paper, both of their brows creased or photos where the two of them were just in the background, completely unaware that a camera was on them, [hugging](http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx2xrbdaFb1r7hbcyo1_500.jpg), just talking...  
  
Most of the time, Sebastian had the answers to his questions; Where were we? Who is that? Were we dating by then? Is that my boyfriend? What was he like? Did you like him?  
  
Sometimes, even Sebastian didn’t know what they had been talking about in a frozen moment in time or why they had been laughing so hard. “I don’t know. Because someone said something funny? That, or we were stoned.”   
  
Stoned was something Kurt seemed to be a lot in the pictures. The parties were endless and a lot of the earlier photographs of them were taken in dark rooms with hoards of people around them and drinks in their hands. Kurt had a hard time believing he would enjoy being intoxicated as much as he appeared to considering his history with alcohol. He voiced this thought to Sebastian who just laughed.   
  
“Oh god, I forgot about how uptight you were before,” he said. “No. You loosened up a lot more in the later years. I think your break up with Blaine kind of -” he stopped when he saw how Kurt had stiffened and backpedalled. “You became more open to different ways of having fun,” he said.   
  
Kurt chewed his bottom lip, eyes fixed on a picture of him half sprawled in Sebastian’s lap, laughing so hard he was doubled over. He had seen Blaine in some of the pictures and he’d wanted to ask Sebastian about the relationship between him and Blaine – if things had been awkward, if Blaine had been angry at first that Kurt was friends with Sebastian, if their past had been a barrier or if they’d moved on easily.   
  
“Kurt?”   
  
“Hm.”   
  
“You can ask about Blaine if you want, you know.”   
  
 _ **Why**  do you have to know me so well?_  
  
“No,” Kurt said, lifting his eyes to look at Sebastian. “Not right now.”   
  
Sebastian gave him a small smile. The mood had shifted around them; the playfulness seemed to have dissolved into something more serious. Even the pictures that were coming up now had a different feeling to them.   
  
“What year is this -” Sebastian said, leaning closer to look at the date beneath the photograph. “Yeah. We were getting serious by that point.”   
  
Kurt could tell.   
  
There was something about the way they were [looki](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzav2pVO4l1r8uqkso1_500.jpg)[ng](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzav2pVO4l1r8uqkso1_500.jpg) at [each other](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0n3hldZv71rq3ohho1_500.jpg), the way they were [touching](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzsu5c11AP1r8uqkso1_400.jpg) in these pictures that was more...[intimate](http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwgzy2y5bP1r8uqkso1_500.jpg) than before. 

It felt like he was intruding on something [private](http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0l79uWGLe1r7hbcyo1_500.jpg) and considering how some of the shots were of [them sleeping](http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly2mpggTNH1r8uqkso1_500.jpg) wrapped [around each other](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwgzz7RNly1r8uqkso1_500.jpg), it  _was_  private.   
  
“Are all of our friends creeps?” he asked, his voice slightly irritated. He was surprised of how protective he felt of picture-Kurt and picture-Sebastian, how he felt the need to keep their relationship away from prying eyes.

“Yes.” Sebastian replied with a laugh. “Everyone had a field day whenever they [caught us acting like](http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m03zxzoHPt1rnhre2o1_500.jpg) – well [like a couple.](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwfaxdbPEJ1r8uqkso1_500.jpg) I got taunted endlessly because you know the whole ‘relationships aren’t for me thing’ kind of fell apart after I went and fell in love with you.”   
  
Kurt pressed his lips together, fighting the urge to shift away from Sebastian all of a sudden. He’d been fine until now, but these pictures made him want to turn away from the screen, to change the topic and go back to their bickering. The questions were still buzzing in his head though so he asked, “Why did we ever give them a chance to photograph us sleeping?”   
  
“Well, these [particular pictures](http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzx23kYB8B1r7hbcyo1_500.jpg) are from our [long weekend in Florida](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzz84t2QJh1r7hbcyo1_500.jpg),” Sebastian said, nodding towards the [current pictures](http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzsd7uMbGo1rnhre2o1_500.jpg) Kurt was going through on the screen. “[We were at Kate and John’s wedding.](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0g0l3fRsQ1rpv0iro1_500.jpg)”   
  
“Kate and John?” Kurt said with a frown.  
  
“Kate’s my cousin,” Sebastian explained as Kurt continued to move through more pictures. “It was when I first introduced you as The Boyfriend to my family. Well, technically, my parents knew but this was like an official, non-official announcement. It was utter madness because Kate is exactly the kind of person that comes to mind when you think of ‘crazy bride’ – she was jumping down our throats to get stuff done and after a day of creating playlists and running around making sure orders were placed and invitations were sent out, we didn’t give a fuck about falling asleep in front of people.”   
  
“[Is this from their wedding too?](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly2mm03NkU1r8uqkso1_500.jpg)” Kurt asked, staring at a shot of them dancing with their foreheads pressed together. “Yeah,” Sebastian said with a nod. “I think Kate was the one who took that one.”   
  
Kurt stared at the photo for a long time, pushing himself to try and remember something,  _anything_.  
  
It was like looking at baby pictures. You can see how happy you are, you can see the adoration in the eyes of the people looking at you and you know that you must have been loved, must have felt safe and cherished but you can’t remember any of it. No matter how hard you try, your memory draws a blank and all that happens is you try and come up with your own dialogue for the people talking to you, think of what you might have been thinking in that moment and try to fill in the blanks yourself.   
  
“Do you – do you want to see  _our_  wedding pictures?” Sebastian asked in a quiet voice.   
  
Kurt didn’t realize he had tears in his eyes until his voice came out sounding croaky. “No,” he said, closing the laptop and standing up. “I can’t. It’s – too much.”   
  
Sebastian’s face fell, he looked crushed but he swallowed and stood up too. “That’s okay,” he said softly. “No pressure.”   
  
Kurt suddenly wished his dad had still been around purely so he wouldn’t have to be alone with Sebastian right now. The way Sebastian was staring at him made his face grow hot and he closed his eyes. “My head hurts,” he said.   
  
“You wanna lie down?” Sebastian asked.   
  
“No.”   
  
“I could get you some painkillers?”   
  
“No.”   
  
“Well -” Sebastian struggled with what to do and Kurt wished he could help him out, give him an answer but  _he_  didn’t know what he wanted either. “We could watch a movie,” he said finally. “Unless it’s going to make your headache worse. Then we can just, I don’t know? Listen to music. But a movie would be more fun. We have  _Wicked_  – but wait, you don’t like it. You always said that no one could beat the original cast. There’s  _Really?_ , you love that movie. It just came out a year and a half ago and -”  
  
“Sebastian,” Kurt said, cutting off his rambling. Sebastian looked relieved at the prospect of having to shut up. Kurt managed a small smile, “Let’s just order lunch for now.” 

-

Kurt ended up going through their iTunes library while they waited for the food to arrive, barely getting to the chorus of one song before he switched to the next.  
  
“Do you want me to show you your favorites?” Sebastian asked him as he made his way through entire albums in the course of a minute.  
  
“No, I want to find them for myself.”   
  
Once in a while, when he would pause to listen to a song in its entirety, he’d catch Sebastian grinning at him and know that he must have stumbled across an old favorite. By the time they finished lunch, Kurt had made his way through more than three hundred songs. The overwhelming feeling he had got from looking at pictures of him and Sebastian all morning had faded away, replaced by a renewed curiosity.   
  
He didn’t hesitate for a second before saying, “I want to know more.”   
  
Sebastian, who had been fiddling with his phone on the couch, looked up as Kurt sat down next to him. “More about?” he asked.  
  
“Us.”   
  
Sebastian grinned. He might have been annoying most of the time, but Kurt found his enthusiasm at any opportunity to talk about them kind of adorable.  
  
As adorable as Sebastian Smythe could get, that was.   
  
“What about us?”   
  
“Our first date.” Kurt decided after a moment of thought.   
  
“Okay,” Sebastian said with a nod. “Um. It was about two weeks after you and Sean – your boyfriend at the time – broke up. I asked you out and you -” Sebastian cut himself off with a laugh. “You thought I was joking at first. We used to flirt a lot with each other and you were used to me making passes at you so you didn’t take me seriously.”   
  
Kurt thought of Sebastian and how he’d flirt with Blaine every time they ran in to each other at the Lima Bean. He tried to imagine Sebastian doing that to him, tried to imagine  _himself_  flirting back but – he couldn’t.   
  
“It took a while to convince you of how fucking serious I was,” Sebastian continued. “But you agreed eventually.”   
  
“I agreed to date you that easily?”   
  
“You agreed to go on  _a_  date with me,” Sebastian corrected. “Neither of us was looking for a relationship at the time. You’d been going on dates on and off with a couple of guys and mostly, I think we were just looking for an excuse to fuck. Not that we needed one, but you know. Formalities.”   
  
The tips of Kurt’s ears had gone red at Sebastian’s bluntness but in a way, it was comforting that he didn’t sugar coat things for Kurt. It was better for him this way, to know everything as it had been.   
  
“Where’d we go?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.   
  
“We went ice skating in Central Park.” Sebastian said with a grin.   
  
Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Really? No clubs?”  
  
Instead of replying, Sebastian stood up and held out a hand to him. Kurt frowned at it before looking up at him questioningly. Sebastian smiled. “Think you’re up for a re-enactment of our first date?”


	7. Chapter 7

  
It took them a while to get ready because they were both still in their pyjamas and Kurt refused to leave until he had showered and shaved. They didn’t take Sebastian’s car since neither of them wanted to risk getting caught in end of day traffic and Kurt said he would much rather walk anyway.   
  
Central Park was crowded with people as it always was when they got there. Sebastian kept glancing at Kurt out of the corner of his eye. He looked glad to be out of the apartment and was taking his surroundings in with newfound excitement. Sebastian was suddenly reminded about how this Kurt didn’t have the memories of late afternoons spent lazing around on park benches or under trees with their heads in each other’s laps and their fingers twined. All this Kurt remembered of Central Park was from his brief visit during his Nationals trip in junior year of high school.   
  
“Wait,” he said suddenly, stopping in his tracks. “Let’s not go to the rink.”   
  
“I thought we were going to re enact our first date,” Kurt said with a frown.  
  
“We were.” Sebastian said. “But the rink won’t be frozen right now and really, what’s the point? There’s no guarantee it’ll do anything to awaken your memories of that night.”

“So what are we doing then?” Kurt asked, slipping his hands into his pockets. “I don’t want to go home yet.”   
  
Sebastian took a moment to relish in the way Kurt had said  _home_  instead of something detached like  _the apartment_. Kurt was waiting for an answer though and Sebastian gave him a tentative smile before he said, “Kurt. Do you want to go on a date with me? Right here, right now?”   
  
Kurt blinked, looking taken aback. “I -” Sebastian waited, his heart thumping in anticipation as he watched Kurt process the question. Eventually he swallowed and nodded, the tiny movement of his head sending immeasurable relief through Sebastian’s body. “Okay. I guess.”   
  
“Fun fact,” Sebastian said with a grin. “That was exactly what your answer was the first time.”

-

_”Sebastian, what are you doing?”  
  
“Laying my head down in your lap. What does it look like, genius?”   
  
Kurt sighs and sets aside his sketchpad and pencil in favor of threading his fingers through Sebastian’s hair. He leans back against the tree they’re sitting in front of and brushes a stray leaf off his knee. “I was drawing,” he says with a disapproving frown even though his voice has no accusation in it.   
  
Sebastian knows he doesn’t mind the distraction one bit no matter how much he might pretend to. This is, after all, supposed to be a date even if both of them have work weighing down on them. They deserve a break.   
  
“Yeah, well now you’re not.” he says with a grin.  
  
Kurt gives in to a soft smile, his hand moving down to cradle Sebastian’s face, stroking lightly along his jaw. “Hello, neglected boyfriend of mine.”   
  
“One of these days, you are going to stop making me want to barf at your cheesy rom-com dialog.”   
  
Kurt scowls but doesn’t pull his hand away from Sebastian’s face. His eyes take on a more playful glint though, the kind he gets when he’s rising to a challenge. “Barf, huh?” he says, his thumb tracing around Sebastian’s mouth before pressing against the pout of his lower lip. “Does this make you want to barf?” he presses down harder with his thumb until Sebastian’s mouth falls open just enough for Kurt to bend down and slip his tongue into it, bypassing the soft peck that usually precedes this kind of kiss.   
  
Sebastian moans low in his throat and reaches up to cup the back of Kurt’s head, kissing him back hungrily. He’s thankful that the massiveness of the tree provides them some level of privacy – not that he’d care if people saw, but he knows Kurt is more comfortable this way. It certainly shows in the way he isn’t afraid to deepen the kiss, licking along the roof of Sebastian’s mouth and stroking their tongues together in a perfect rhythm.  
  
“I’m still waiting for an answer,” he says when he pulls away and straightens up. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are darker than before but his smile is still light and happy.   
  
“What?” Sebastian says, his voice coming out dazed.   
  
“Do I still make you want to barf?”   
  
“Ugh, stop saying that,” Sebastian says, his face scrunching up as he drags Kurt down for another kiss.  
  
Kurt smiles against his lip, placing a chaste kiss to his top lip. “I’ll take that as a no.” _

-  
  
They walked around Central Park, Kurt filling the silence between them with stories about his first time in New York; how he and Rachel had snuck out of their hotel room to go have breakfast at Tiffany’s during their Nationals trip, how Santana had lost her shit after they hadn’t placed – all stuff Sebastian knew already but he didn’t tell Kurt that. He liked the way Kurt was looser around him now, how he laughed when Sebastian made a joke and how he wasn’t hesitant to ask questions about them and their life.  
  
Sebastian lost track of the conversation when they passed by a tree he was intimately familiar with.   
  
Kurt frowned when he saw Sebastian was no longer paying attention. “Something wrong?” he asked.   
  
“Fun fact number two -”  
  
“Are you going to keep doing that?” Kurt cut in. “Because it’s kind of irritating.”   
  
Sebastian ignored him. “That tree back there? One of our favorite places to hang out.”  
  
Kurt looked over his shoulder at the tree they’d passed. “Any particular reason?” he asked.   
  
“If you sit on the other side of it, you can’t really be seen by passer by’s. The view is beautiful too, privacy is just an added bonus.” Sebastian said. “Also - this is the place you first took my hand on our date.”   
  
That was a downright lie. Sebastian didn’t even remember how they had ended up holding hands, just that he had found their fingers interlaced without knowing who had made the first move. It had felt easy, natural,  _right_. He glanced down at where Kurt’s hand was peeking out from the sleeve of his jacket and decided to take a chance. Kurt inhaled a little sharply when he felt Sebastian’s fingers curl around his before Sebastian slotted their palms together.

“You know, you were the first person to ever hold my hand who I didn’t laugh at and push away.” Sebastian said, nodding at the skeptical look on Kurt’s face. “Seriously. It was always too much of a romantic gesture for me to feel comfortable with. Especially on first dates.”   
  
“And what, I was different?”  
  
“You’ve always been different.”   
  
Kurt looked down at their joint hands and ran his thumb over the back of Sebastian’s knuckles once, as if searching for something in the touch. Whatever it was, he didn’t find it because the next second he was pulling his hand free, his face expressionless.   
  
Sebastian felt as if someone had stabbed him in the heart.   
  
“I’m sorry,” Kurt said, not looking at Sebastian. “It’s just that this is still new for me and – kind of weird.”   
  
“No, it’s okay. I know. I’m sorry too.” Sebastian said, shoving his hand into his jacket pocket instead of letting it hang lamely at his side. “Do you want to see Roasters?”   
  
Kurt frowned, “Roasters?”   
  
“The coffee shop where we met?” Sebastian prompted. “I told you about it this morning.”   
  
Recognition dawned on Kurt’s face and he nodded, smiling. “Coffee sounds awesome.”   
_  
  
Tracy, the cute barista who always seemed to be at the shop no matter what time they went, smiled when she saw the two of them walk in. “Boys,” she said with a wide grin. “I haven’t seen you around here in ages.”  
  
“Hey, babe.” Sebastian said, returning her grin. “Been busy.” He ordered them both mochas, shaking his head when Kurt tried to make his a non fat. “Don’t,” he said. “Trust me on this. Besides, after a week of being comatose, you can splurge on the calories.”   
  
Kurt rolled his eyes and shoved him lightly with his elbow but agreed. Sebastian even got them a huge slice of cheesecake for good measure even though Kurt pointed out that they had to go to dinner with Burt afterwards.   
  
The table in the corner which Kurt had dubbed  _their_  table years ago, was free and Sebastian nodded Kurt over to it, grinning when Kurt looked around the place appreciatively.   
  
“It’s nice,” he commented.   
  
“I know.”   
  
“I can see why I came here.”   
  
They drank their coffees in relative silence for a moment, Kurt speaking up once to say that it was some of the best coffee he’d ever had. Sebastian raised an eyebrow and smirked as if to say,  _told you so._  Kurt’s face suddenly changed then, a crease forming between his brows and he looked around the cafe twice, sweeping over the tiny space with his eyes as if looking for someone, something.  
  
“Everything okay?” Sebastian asked.   
  
Kurt blinked, looking as if he’d just been woken up from a dream. “Yeah. Um. I just had this weird sort of -” he shook his head. “I don’t know. Felt like de ja vu.”   
  
Sebastian leaned forward in his seat, his heart beating faster. “You remembered something?” he asked with barely contained excitement. His mind started racing at the possibilities. Had Kurt had a flashback to the two of them sitting with their legs pressed together under the table while Sebastian read through a case study and Kurt sketched out designs he had in mind? Did he remember the days they had sat here in the late afternoons planning their wedding, jotting down ideas and fighting over details that wouldn’t matter when the day of the ceremony actually arrived?   
  
“Kurt?” Sebastian prompted, reaching out to lay a hand over Kurt’s. He didn’t pull away, Sebastian wasn’t even sure he’d noticed.  _Please, please remember me._  
  
“It feels like there’s so much to remember about this place,” Kurt said quietly. “And I’m trying but -” he looked at Sebastian and shook his head. “Nothing.”   
  
Sebastian felt his heart sink for the second time that night but he forced a smile. “Like I said, no pressure.” Searching for a distraction, he pushed his plate of half eaten cheesecake to Kurt. “Sure you don’t want to try some?” Sebastian asked.

To his surprise, Kurt reached for the fork Sebastian had been using and cut a small piece. Sebastian watched him take the bite, watched the adorable way he chewed and swallowed his food and felt the disappointment from seconds ago fade away at the smile that spread across Kurt’s face.   
  
It didn’t matter if Kurt didn’t remember the countless days and nights they’d spent here. What mattered was that he was here, sitting across from Sebastian and that he hadn’t pulled his hand free from where it was lying beneath Sebastian’s palm on the table.   
  
“This is some pretty good cheesecake,” he said.   
  
Sebastian smiled. “You love cheesecake,” he said for no reason in particular. “You’ve always loved cheesecake.”   
  
Kurt looked at him with a funny expression as he took another bite. “Um, okay?”   
  
“I tried to bake one for you. Didn’t go so well.”   
  
“What happened?” Kurt asked, taking another bite.  
  
“Everything went wrong.”   
  
“You can’t bake?”   
  
“I can.” Sebastian said defensively. “I was just nervous.”   
  
“Why?”   
  
Sebastian looked into Kurt’s eyes for a second, feeling his heart clench at the memory. “It was the night I proposed to you.” Kurt stopped chewing and just stared at Sebastian. “I wanted to cook the whole meal myself,” Sebastian continued. “It was supposed to be this huge three course romantic dinner, but like I said - I was nervous and kept messing things up.” Kurt looked torn between discomfort and laughter. Sebastian drew his hand away from Kurt’s and shook his head. “Anyway. That’s a story for another time.”   
  
They finished their coffees and Kurt called Burt from Sebastian’s phone to ask where he wanted to meet up. They decided on a hole in the wall Italian place not far from their apartment but they still had half an hour before they were due there so when they stepped out onto the pavement, Sebastian turned to Kurt and asked, “You still up for one last stop? It’s just a ten minute walk from here to your first apartment in the city. You can say no if you’re tired. We’ll grab a cab straight to the restaurant but I figured you might want to check it out.”   
  
“I do,” Kurt said, sounding genuinely excited.   
  
Sebastian smiled, “Alright then.”  
  
They started walking in the opposite direction from they’d come. Sebastian was about to tell Kurt about the two roommates he’d had at that time when they came to a crossing where the pavement became uneven and he said, “Ah, watch out. ”   
  
Somewhere in the distance, a driver dropped scalding hot coffee over his knee and his elbow came down on the car horn.

 _The screech of tires - a furious attempt to dodge a cab_.  _Glass shatters. A woman screams._  
  
Next to Sebastian Kurt ducked just like he had when he’d had attempted to throw the slushie in his face years ago. Difference was, there was no Blaine to jump in front to save him from the impact this time.

-

“Kurt?”   
  
Kurt lowered his arm and straightened up but his face was still panicked. “What just happened?” Sebastian asked, taking Kurt by the elbow and angling his body so they were facing each other. Kurt wouldn’t meet his gaze; he kept looking up and down the deserted road with a slightly lost expression. “Kurt?” Sebastian said again, louder this time.   
  
“Didn’t you hear that?” Kurt asked, looking frustrated when Sebastian didn’t react immediately. “Just now. After the accident, a woman screamed-”  
  
Sebastian was honestly lost. “No one screamed Kurt,” he said, brow frowning in worry. “There  _was_  no accident.”   
  
Kurt looked distraught but then he shook his head as if to get rid of a fly and said, “I guess I must have imagined it.”   
  
“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked gently.   
  
“Yeah,” Kurt nodded. “I’m fine.”   
  
“Do you think this might have been a flashback?”   
  
There was a pause where Kurt looked unsure but a moment later, he shook his head again. “No.”  
  
“You said something about an accident -”  
  
“It was just a bunch of sounds. Probably my ears ringing or something.”   
  
“Normal people don’t usually hear women screaming when their ears ring, Kurt.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Kurt said more firmly. “If it was a flashback, I would’ve known.”  
  
“How?”   
  
“I don’t know.” Kurt said with a huff, “I just would.”   
  
“If they were just sounds why’d you duck then?” Sebastian pressed.  
  
Kurt pulled his elbow free from Sebastian’s grip only to take his hand. The gesture surprised Sebastian so much he forgot the next part of his argument. “Just let it go, okay? Kurt said with a sigh. Wordlessly, Sebastian nodded, focused on the feeling of Kurt’s fingers slipping through the gaps in his. Satisfied at his agreement to drop the subject, Kurt smiled and said, “I believe you were going to show me my old apartment.”   
  
“Y-yeah.” Sebastian said, trying not to let his voice quiver with excitement like his whole body was.   
  
 _He took my hand. He’s holding my hand. We’re holding hands._  

- 

They were still holding hands when they climbed into the back of the cab. Sebastian was disappointed when Kurt finally pulled his fingers free and slid over to rest his head against the window on the other side as Sebastian gives the cabbie the address to their restaurant.   
  
“So what did you think?” Sebastian asked when he’d settled back against the seat.   
  
“It was exactly the kind of apartment I imagined myself living in when I first moved to New York,” Kurt said. “But I don’t anything will ever compare to the one we’re living in now.”   
  
Sebastian felt giddy.   
  
 _We’re_ living in now. Not  _I'm_  living in now.  
  
“You know I really love how you’ve embraced that place as your home.” Sebastian said, grinning at Kurt.   
  
“I told you, I’m kind of in love with it.” Kurt said, giving him a small smile in return.   
  
“Yeah but still,” Sebastian said.   
  
He thought of reaching out and taking Kurt’s hand again because he already missed the feeling of their fingers locked together but he decided not to. Instead, he forced himself to look out of the window and let his mind wander.   
  
They rode in silence for a while until the cabbie took a sharp turn and suddenly, Kurt's hand darted out to grab Sebastian’s. For a second, Sebastian’s heart lifted at the thought of Kurt trying to hold hands again but then he caught sight of Kurt’s expression.  
  
Before he could do anything, Kurt was saying, “Stop the cab. Stop!” 

“What?” the cabbie called, looking at Kurt through the rear view mirror as if he was crazy.  
  
“Just stop the damn cab!” Kurt sounded furious, desperate.  
  
Thankfully, they hadn’t hit any traffic yet so the cabbie was able to pull over easily. Kurt was out of the car within seconds and Sebastian blindly threw a few crumpled bills on the front seat before clambering after him.   
  
“Kurt what -” he stopped when he saw how Kurt was breathing; long, deep gulps of air like he’d just resurfaced from a long time underwater.  
  
“It happened again.” He was shaking. “The woman screaming, the accident – I was there, I saw it all happen and -  _fuck,_ ” he turned away from Sebastian and put a hand to his forehead, collecting the sweat that had started to gather there.   
  
Sebastian stepped forward and took Kurt’s hand to make him stop pacing and pulled him aside so they weren’t in the way of pedestrians. “It’s definitely a flashback Kurt.”   
  
“Thanks, I figured as much on my own.” Kurt snapped but he didn’t pull away when Sebastian wrapped an arm around his waist and held him close. “I - I remember the sound of a horn blaring,” he said in a quieter voice. “I think it was from the oncoming car – it might have been my cabbie...” he closed his eyes as if he was trying to recreate the scene in his head but he opened them a split second later, looking sick. “I screamed ‘watch out’ to the driver and then -”   
  
“Okay, don’t talk about it.” Sebastian said cutting him off. He wasn’t sure what the proper procedure was for this sort of situation; whether he was supposed to encourage Kurt to remember everything he could or tell him to block it out. All he knew was that Kurt hadn’t stopped shaking and that his hand was currently curled around Sebastian’s jacket. The memory was clearly painful for him and Sebastian wanted to reach inside Kurt’s head and rip it out. “Just breathe.”   
  
“There’s something else I remember.”   
  
“Kurt -” Sebastian started in a gentle voice, trying to tell him  _Kurt, don’t do this to yourself_  but Kurt cut him off.   
  
“Just before the woman screamed, I felt this really strong urge to get to you. Like I  _had_  to or else...” he broke off and looked up at him, tears finally gathering in his eyes. “Sebastian,” he said in a hoarse whisper. “I think the last thing I thought about before the car crashed - was you.”

****

Sebastian didn’t know how to react to this piece of information. It had been one thing to answer his phone that morning and have a stranger tell him that his husband had been in an accident, but to know the last thing Kurt had thought about before the crash, to  _see_  the fear and panic he must have felt in that moment reflected in his eyes right now, it was almost too much. 

He was about to reach out and touch Kurt’s cheek, pull him into a hug, kiss him -  _something_  when Kurt uncurled his fingers from Sebastian’s jacket and once again, took his hand. “Can we walk?” he asked. “I can’t breathe here.”

Sebastian nodded, not trusting himself to speak at the moment. Kurt was still taking long, deep breaths next to him, his face paler than usual. After every couple of seconds he would blink in rapid succession as if trying to push away the images that kept springing to his mind. Sebastian wished he could say something to comfort him but his own heart felt bruised in his chest, aching with the knowledge of how Kurt must be replaying the pain of the accident over and over again in his head. 

He kept rubbing his thumb along the patch of skin between Kurt’s forefinger and thumb in long, reassuring swipes, trying to say everything that he couldn’t express in words through the touch. Either because he had understood what Sebastian was trying to say or because the accident was haunting him again, Kurt tightened his grip on Sebastian’s hand as they weaved their way through the crowds. 

The restaurant they were due to meet Burt at wasn’t far from where the cab had pulled up. It took them less than fifteen minutes to get there but before they walked through the door, Sebastian tugged Kurt’s hand and pulled him aside. “What’s wrong?” Kurt asked, frowning at him. 

“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked.

“I’m -”

“Don’t say you’re fine.” 

“I’m better.” 

Sebastian let out a deep breath of his own. “Sure?” and when Kurt nodded reassuringly - “Okay.” 

“Okay?” Kurt said with a smile, squeezing his hand one last time before dropping it and reaching for the door again. 

The place was crowded but Burt had managed to score a table and was scanning the menu with interest when they walked in. “Hey!” he greeted when he saw them. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d stood me up.” 

“Sorry,” Kurt said, shrugging of his coat and taking the seat opposite Burt. “We got caught up in something.” His voice was steady, expression carefully controlled but Sebastian saw right through his attempts to act like nothing had happened. He always saw right through Kurt.

“What’ve you two been up to?” Burt asked as they took their seats. 

“Just getting some fresh air,” Kurt said with a shrug. “We went to Central Park, had coffee – how was your day?” 

Sebastian tried hard not to frown at the fact that Kurt had failed to mention the word  _date_  or the flashback but he let it go for the moment and leaned back in his chair as Burt started talking about his day. 

Kurt didn’t bring up the flashback all through dinner. Sebastian kept waiting for him to, but Kurt seemed to purposefully steer the conversation away from himself every time something came up. He laughed, he joked, he asked questions about Carole, Finn and his wife. His act was so perfect that if Sebastian hadn’t known any better, he would never have guessed that anything had happened. 

By the end of dinner, though, Kurt did seem genuinely more relaxed than before. He tried to get Burt to come back to the apartment but Burt refused, saying he already had a hotel room booked

The second his cab disappeared around a corner, Sebastian turned and fixed Kurt with a firm stare. “Is there a particular reason you forgot to mention your flashback to your dad?” he asked.

“I didn’t tell him because there was no need to.” Kurt said, buttoning up his coat as they started to walk in the direction of their apartment.

“No need? Kurt, this is  _huge_.” 

“I didn’t want to worry him. He doesn’t need the stress.”

 “Kurt -”  
  
“Look, it’s not like I’ve got my memory back or anything,” Kurt said with a frustrated huff. “There’s no point telling him about how I ran out of a cab because I was scared we were going to crash again. It’s stupid and I’m already over it, can we please talk about something else now?”   
  
Sebastian continued to stare at Kurt. “This isn’t something we can just ignore Kurt. It’s not stupid, it’s serious.”   
  
“Dad doesn’t need -”  
  
“I’m not talking about Burt.” Sebastian cut him off. “Fine. Don’t tell him. But you have to see Doctor Hendricks again.  _And_ ,” he pressed when Kurt opened his mouth to say something. “- I don’t care what lies you tell Burt, but you have to be honest with me.”   
  
“I am being honest with you,” Kurt said.   
  
“I know,” Sebastian said. “But I also know how you shut people out when you’re dealing with things and I swear, if you try and do that with me I’ll -” he didn’t know how to end that sentence so he just said, “Just please. Don’t cut me out, okay?”   
  
Kurt pressed his lips together, looking slightly annoyed but he nodded. “Fine.”   
  
Sebastian held out his hand, grinning when Kurt took it without hesitation. 

-

Kurt was about to climb into bed when there was a knock on his bedroom door. “What is it Sebastian?” he called out.  
  
The door opened and Sebastian leaned against the frame, arms crossed over his chest. His figure was outlined in the darkness by the light spilling in from the hallway and Kurt took a moment to appreciate for the first time just how tall he was.   
  
“What do you want?” he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.   
  
“I realized something.” Sebastian said, pushing off from the doorframe and walking over to where Kurt stood by the bed. “We never officially ended our date.”  
  
“Seriously?” Kurt couldn’t help a small grin. “You wait until we’re in our night suits to decide it’s a good time?”   
  
Sebastian shrugged. “Why not?”   
  
He stepped closer, one hand coming down to rest lightly on Kurt’s waist and Kurt tensed, his smile faltering. He knew if he wanted, he could pull away. All he would have to do is tell Sebastian to stop and he would. But he didn’t say anything.   
  
Instead, he held Sebastian’s gaze and stayed right where he was. His stomach clenched just the slightest bit - not in the sickening way it had during the flashback - but in the way it used to whenever Blaine had kissed him. A warm, pleasant fluttering that made him want to shiver. His eyes closed mostly on instinct when Sebastian leaned in, his heart stuttering in anticipation –  
  
 _”Watch out!”_  
  
Kurt jerked away, Sebastian’s grip around his waist the only thing that kept him from stumbling backwards.   
  
He could hear Sebastian calling his name somewhere in the distance but his ears were once again filled with the sound of the woman’s shrill scream, loud and piercing. There was nothing he could do except close his eyes against the sudden flash of images. They didn’t make sense, they weren’t even in sequence. All they did was fill him with a slow, painful dread and the familiar burning need to get to Sebastian.   
  
There was something different this time though. A clawing feeling of guilt beneath everything else, a kind of regret.   
  
 _“What is your problem Kurt?! Seriously, just TELL me already -”  
  
“WE NEED SOME HELP HERE! SOMEBODY CALL AN AMUBLANCE!”   
  
“ - Oh great. Let’s turn this on me. Because obviously I’m the one who’s creating problems right?”   
  
“Sir, are you okay? Can you hear me?”  
  
“- What the fuck do you want from me, Kurt?”   
  
“- Sometimes you make me regret marrying you!”   
  
A door slams.   
  
Glass shatters.   
  
“Kurt, wait!”   
  
A woman screams. _  
  
“Sebastian -”   
  
“I’m here.” The woman’s screaming was fading. Sebastian’s voice clearer, closer now. “I’m here, Kurt.”

-

When he opened his eyes again, his cheek was pressed to Sebastian’s shoulder.   
  
Everything went quiet, like someone had turned off a switch and blocked out all sound except for the echo of his own harsh breaths. Feeling returned to his limbs one by one and he became aware of the fact that he had both his arms around Sebastian; one curved around his shoulder, the other pressed to his back.  
  
“What is happening?” he whispered.   
  
Sebastian turned his head, his mouth brushing against the shell of Kurt’s ear. “Did you flashback to the accident again?”   
  
“It was more than that this time.” Kurt wanted to move away so he could see Sebastian’s expression when he said the next few words but the desire to stay pressed close to him was still running through his blood hot and urgent. It took an immense amount of effort to pull free of Sebastian’s arms and look him in the eye. “We were fighting.”   
  
Sebastian’s lips parted as if he was about to say something but all that came out was a shaky breath. “I can’t believe this,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He looked both angry and sad. “Of all the things,  _all_  the things you could have remembered about us – you remember us fighting.”  
  
Kurt ignored the flare of irritation that sparked in him at the words - it wasn’t like he had any control over what he remembered. With as much patience as he could, he asked “What were we fighting about?”   
  
“What do you know so far?”  
  
Kurt closed his eyes, bright dots of lights forming the image of jagged glass and blurred doorways behind his eyelids. “Something about how I regretted marrying you -” he looked at Sebastian to see how his jaw was clenched tightly. No trace of anger anymore, just plain sadness. The realization came with a small gasp and Kurt was surprised he hadn’t made the connection until now. “Oh my god,” he breathed. “Was that the last thing I said to you before the accident?”   
  
Sebastian blinked and looked away, turning his face to stare out the windows. “Yes,” he said quietly.   
  
No wonder he’d felt such a crushing sense of regret during this flashback. Kurt had thought he was going to die in the accident and that the last thing he would’ve said to Sebastian would have been how he regretted marrying him.   
  
He imagined getting the call with the news of the accident, imagined how it must have felt to watch your husband lying motionless in a coma not knowing if he was going to wake up or not and then, when he finally did, he imagined how it must have felt to deal with the knowledge that he no longer loved you.  
  
 _Sebastian’s Kurt_  surfaced in a wave of fierce protectiveness and empathy.   
  
“I am so sorry,” he found himself saying.   
  
“What the hell are  _you_  sorry for?” Sebastian asked, looking back at him. “You don’t even know if it was your fault.”   
  
“I’m not sorry for the fight,” Kurt said. “I’m sorry about everything after it.” Sebastian sat down on the bed and sighed, staring at his hands. Kurt watched his slumped posture for a moment before asking, “ _Was_  it my fault?”   
  
“It was both of our’s.” Sebastian said. There was a pause, a huff of breath and then, “The last couple of weeks before the accident weren’t exactly the best for us. I don’t mean  _us_  us but like, for you and me. Work was driving both of us crazy for different reasons and we were just – we were on edge practically all the time. But I think we were also the only ones keeping each other sane. Fighting is kind of our favorite form of stress relief. Well – you know,” he turned his head just enough for Kurt to catch the corner of the smile. “Except for sex.”   
  
Kurt resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “So that morning -”  
  
“You hadn’t slept all night, I was being a dick - things got more heated than usual.”   
  
“But I walked out -”  
  
“ – to go to work.” Sebastian cut in. “Kurt. I don’t know how much you remember of that morning but I promise you, both of us felt equally stupid after you left. I knew you would come back. I was going to call in sick and spend the whole day thinking of some romantic way to make it up to you and we were going to be  _fine_. We always are.”

Kurt was quiet. On one hand, he wanted to lean over and wrap his arms around Sebastian again, hold him tightly for all the nights he hadn’t been able to. On the other hand, he suddenly wanted to be alone again and collect his thoughts – about how he  _had_  felt about Sebastian before the accident and how he felt  _right now_  after tonight.  
  
“Today’s kind of been a long day,” he said, hoping it would be enough of a hint for Sebastian.   
  
It was. Sebastian sniffed, rubbed a hand down his face once and nodded. “Yeah. I should let you get to bed.”   
  
The truth was that Kurt had been about to settle back with his laptop and browse through pictures again without Sebastian watching his every reaction but he played along and said, “Thanks.”   
  
Sebastian made a move to stand up but surprised Kurt by darting in to kiss him on the cheek. Kurt was too taken aback to do anything but stare at him when he pulled back and grinned. "And so ends our date."


	8. Chapter 8

Sebastian was woken up by the buzzing of their intercom. Three weeks ago, he would have rolled over, thrown a leg over Kurt’s hip and gone right back to sleep but the fear that had been instilled in him since the accident made him stand up. That wasn’t to say he was any less grumpy about the prospect of having to leave the comfort of his bed. He stumbled towards the intercom, swearing the whole way with his eyes still half closed and when he finally pressed the button, all he said was, “Who the fuck are you and what do you want?”   
  
“Is that how you greet your guests?”   
  
“Rachel,” Sebastian said through clenched teeth, trying to keep his voice calm. “It is seven in the morning on a  _Sunday_.”   
  
“I’ve got bagels, coffee, and blueberry muffins.”  
  
Sebastian sighed, dropping his forehead to the wall. She knew he had him at that. “Come on up.”   
  
Of all of Kurt’s old friends, getting on Rachel’s good side had been the hardest. When he and Kurt had first started hanging out, she had been hell bent on the notion that Sebastian was trying to corrupt Kurt and was secretly gathering blackmail material on him that would inevitably destroy his career and his life. He guessed the trust issues were a given considering how he’d photoshopped naked pictures of her fiancé back in high school but like – he’d apologized. Rachel and Finn weren’t even together anymore. There was a point where you had to let go of the past and move on.   
  
Kurt, who listened to her rambling from one ear, pushed it all out through the other with a roll of his eyes, very helpfully pointed out how Sebastian was still just as big of a jerk to her as he had been in high school so there was no reason for her to  _let go_  of anything. And, okay maybe Sebastian did make fun of her career a lot. At that point, it hadn’t taken off and the topic itself was too sensitive for anyone to touch, let alone Sebastian but he got a kick out of annoying her even more than Kurt. Unlike him, all Rachel had done was fume and splutter and get irritated to the point of exploding.   
  
It was only after he and Kurt had started officially dating that she’d made an effort to put aside her prejudice.   
  
“Look Sebastian, Kurt means a lot to me okay? He’s been there for me through all of my past affairs -”  
  
“ _Failed_  affairs you mean.”   
  
“- and if he’s chosen to let you love him -”  
  
“Hang in there Streisand, there’s no  _love_ involved -”  
  
“ – then it’s my duty as his friend to try and be supportive of his relationship even if I know it’s going to meet an inevitable, heartbroken end. Rest assured, when it does, I’m going to be sitting next to him with a bucket of ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. But until then, I have made a decision to give you a chance.”   
  
Somewhere along the way, they  _had_  eventually ended up becoming friends just like Sebastian  _had_  ended up falling in love with Kurt.   
  
Rachel gave him a tentative smile when he opened the door. She looked too fresh and chirpy for someone at this time of day on a  _Sunday_. Sebastian narrowed his eyes at her, reaching for the box of muffins in her hands. “You’re not forgiven yet.”   
  
“Good morning to you too, Sebastian,” she said, stepping in to the apartment. “Where’s Kurt?”   
  
“Sleeping,” he said, flipping the top of the box and inhaling the scent of freshly baked muffins.  
  
“I’m going to go wake him up.” Rachel said, striding towards the bedroom.   
  
“Oh no you’re not.” Sebastian said, grabbing her arm and steering her instead towards the kitchen stools. “He had a long day yesterday. You may have destroyed my morning. You’re not destroying his.”   
  
“You’ve taken the bribe, you can no longer keep nagging me,” she said, looking pointedly at the muffin he was currently devouring. Sebastian rolled his eyes and leaned against the counter as Rachel picked up a muffin for herself. “I feel so bad for not coming by sooner but you know how things are with rehearsals for next week. But anyway - details. How’s he feeling? What have you guys been up to?”   
  
“He’s better than when you last saw him at least.” Sebastian said, washing down his muffin with some coffee.   
  
“And how are things between the two of you?” she asked in a softer tone.

“Good. I mean, he’s not wearing his ring or anything but he’s accepted that we’re married. He’s trying hard, I’ll give him that. We even managed to go on a date yesterday and -” he was cut off by an excited squeal. A roll of his eyes followed and then, “Seriously Rachel. You are such a  _girl_  sometimes.”   
  
“Shut up,” she said, leaning over the counter and poking his shoulder. “More about this date.”   
  
“We just walked around Central Park and had coffee before meeting Burt for dinner,” Sebastian said as if it wasn’t a big deal. As if his heart hadn’t been pounding at every smile, every little touch Kurt had given him the whole night.  
  
“So has Kurt remembered anything yet?” Rachel asked, sipping her own coffee. “I know it might be too optimistic at this point but I had to ask.”  
  
“We went through pictures on his Facebook yesterday,” Sebastian said, mentally debating on whether or not to tell her about the flashback. He decided not to. “We’re working on it.”   
  
Rachel gave him a small smile. “You’ll get there,” she picked at her muffin, looking thoughtful. “Oh by the way, I spoke to Blaine -” Sebastian stiffened at the mention of his name but Rachel didn’t notice. “- he said you two haven’t been in touch.”  
  
“Did he tell you why?” Sebastian asked, taking another sip of coffee and savoring the sweet-bitter taste on his tongue for a moment before swallowing.   
  
“Apparently he said, and I quote ‘I fucked up’.” She fixed him with a look that demanded explanation. “He sounded pretty upset but he wouldn’t tell me anything.”   
  
The sound of a door opening interrupted Sebastian’s reply and Rachel, forgetting all about Blaine, was out of her chair before Kurt had even walked out of the hall. She threw herself at Kurt hard enough to make him stumble backwards but his face still lit up with a laugh.  
  
Except – Sebastian frowned. Kurt’s eyes were bloodshot and exhausted and he knew it couldn’t just be from a lack of sleep.  
  
“Did Rachel wake you?” he asked as the two of them made their way back to the kitchen counter.   
  
Rachel glared at him but Kurt shook his head and said, “I was up already.”   
  
“Sleep well?” Sebastian’s voice was just sharp enough to let Kurt know he wouldn’t believe him if he tried to lie.   
  
“Not really.”   
  
“Kurt, if you’re tired, you can go back to sleep.” Rachel said, laying a hand over his. “The only reason I’m here so early -”  
  
“Oh, so you have a  _reason_  too? I just thought you made a habit of showing up at people’s doors at the crack of dawn to ruin the rest of their day.”   
  
Rachel paused to glare at Sebastian some more. “Bribe,” she reminded him before turning back to Kurt. “Today is the only day I don’t have rehearsals and I’ve made sure to clear my schedule so I could spend it with you. It’s really hard to get free time lately and I have been the worst friend  _ever_. I really should have been here sooner but -”  
  
“Rachel,” Kurt cut her off, closing his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple. “It’s fine. Just – talk a little softer please?”   
  
“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked, staring at Kurt with no little amount of concern.  
  
“Yeah,” Kurt said with a nod. Sebastian would have pressed for details but Kurt gave him a quick look that promised he’d tell him whatever was wrong later. If Sebastian had his way, he would have locked Rachel in the bathroom and not let her out until he was done talking to Kurt but Kurt seemed genuinely happy to see her, even if his smile made his face look more tired than happy.   
  
So Sebastian let the two of them talk, focusing on the muffins instead (fuck, they were delicious). It was only when Rachel’s phone rang and she excused herself to go into the hall and answer it that he looked back at Kurt and found him sliding off the stool to walk around the kitchen counter and get to him.

“When are you scheduling the appointment with Doctor Hendricks?” he asked in a low voice.  
  
“Uh,” Sebastian was taken aback by the question and the almost scared look on Kurt’s face was making him nervous. “I was going to get one for tomorrow since I don’t know if she’ll be available on a Sunday. But -” he added quickly. “If you want, I could pull a few strings and have her see you today.”   
  
“No, I guess tomorrow’s fine.” Kurt said shaking his head.   
  
“What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked, reaching up to touch the tired lines of Kurt’s face with his fingers.   
  
Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, just barely turning his face into the touch. “They won’t stop,” he whispered. “The nightmares – flashbacks- I can’t even tell the difference anymore. They won’t  _stop_. I think I barely slept for two hours last night.”  
  
“Fuck, Kurt. Why didn’t you wake me?” Sebastian asked, spreading his hand so he was cupping Kurt’s face more firmly.   
  
“What would you have done if I had? There was no point.”  
  
“Let me decide the point next time, okay?” Sebastian said, smoothing his thumb along Kurt’s cheekbone. “God, you look horrible.”  
  
Kurt scowled and pulled Sebastian’s hand away from his face. “Thanks. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear right now.”   
  
Sebastian couldn’t help but grin just a little as Kurt turned his back to inspect the food Rachel had brought. Before he could talk himself out of it, he stepped closer and pressed the length of his body up against Kurt’s back, not missing the sharp intake of breath and a dull thump that might have been Kurt dropping the bagel he’d picked up. Taking the fact that he hadn’t pushed him away yet as a good sign, Sebastian slipped his arms around Kurt’s middle.  
  
“No matter how horrible you look,” he said, brushing his mouth over Kurt’s temple. “You will always be my Kurt and I will always love you.” He dragged his ring finger over Kurt’s stomach so he could feel the band dig into his skin like a promise. “Old and wrinkly is kind of the end deal here.”   
  
Kurt was very still and for a second, Sebastian worried if he might have taken it too far. Kurt had started becoming a little easier around him as far as physical comfort was concerned but this may have been a bit too direct. Just as he was about to pull away and apologize, Kurt laid his hand over Sebastian’s, spreading his fingers over the back of his.   
  
“Sometimes,” he whispered. “You -”  
  
“Sorry about that,” Rachel said, walking back out. Kurt immediately slipped out of Sebastian’s arm and turned away from him.   
  
Sebastian’s hand remained hovering in the air for a second before he clenched it into a fist and brought it back down to his side. He wanted to punch something. Hard. Why couldn’t Rachel’s stupid call have lasted for a split second longer? Just until Kurt had finished saying whatever he’d been saying.   
  
Rachel sat down again and set her phone on the counter, beaming. “That was my boyfriend.”   
  
“You have a boyfriend?” Kurt asked, his voice just an octave higher than before.   
  
Rachel’s smile turned sad and Sebastian felt his frustration give way to sympathy. He could see the realization that something was wrong (no, nothing _is_ wrong with Kurt), that something had  _changed_  with Kurt dawn on her.   
  
“Yes,” she said quietly. “His name’s Eric. You like him.”   
  
Sebastian could tell Kurt was rolling the name on his tongue, trying to see if it sounded familiar but when nothing came up, he forced a smile and said, “We have a _lot_  of catching up to do.”   
  
“Which is why I’m taking you out,” Rachel said, wiping away the tear at the corner of her eye with a knuckle.   
  
“Out?” Kurt repeated, raising his eyebrows.   
  
“Yes. So you better finish eating and go put on something fabulous.”

Breakfast took another hour and a half. Not because they were busy eating but because they were too distracted talking to each other. Well, Kurt and Rachel were too distracted. Sebastian had just called dibs on the rest of the muffins and went to collapse on the sofa for some Sunday morning TV.   
  
In a way, it was nice to have Rachel there even if she had messed with his sleep. Her presence was something normal, unlike Burt’s had been. It was easy to pretend this was just another disrupted Sunday with Kurt and Rachel catching up in person on the week’s gossip while Sebastian grumbled over the lost opportunity of lazy morning sex.   
  
When Kurt finally got up to change his clothes, Rachel walked over the where Sebastian was sprawled out and pushed his feet off the couch so she could take a seat. Ignoring the glare he gave her, she angled herself towards him and said, “You never told me why you and Blaine aren’t on speaking terms.”   
  
Sebastian didn’t look at her when he replied. “It’s nothing.”   
  
“Don’t try and -”  
  
“Rachel,” Sebastian cut in. “I’m aware of how much you like to pry in to other people’s business but this really doesn’t concern you sweetie, so let it go okay?”   
  
Rachel pressed her lips together, looking slightly offended but Sebastian didn’t feel guilty. As far as he was concerned, this was something that should remain between Kurt, Blaine and him. Rachel was a good friend, but Sebastian had never been able to open up to her as easily as he did with Blaine. He’d never really opened up to anyone other than Blaine – and Kurt for that matter. But Kurt had never required him to let his guard down; he’d just broken through it on his own.  
  
“Whatever is going on between the two of you,” Rachel said. “Fix it. I wasn’t joking when I said he sounded upset.”   
  
Although he didn’t appreciate being told what to do, especially since Rachel had no clue what had actually happened, Sebastian just said, “Yeah. Whatever,” and took comfort in the fact that it was enough for her to drop the subject and wander into the bedroom after Kurt.  
  
The thing was, he could almost image the sadness and regret in Blaine’s voice when he’d said those words, the stupid shining honesty in his eyes. He’d seen Blaine make a fair few stupid decisions in the past couple of years, all three of them have had their share of mistakes. Usually, they’d get together and make fun of whatever the situation until it stopped hurting and dissolved into another incident to look back upon with laughter.   
  
But as much as Sebastian wanted to forgive Blaine for kissing Kurt, he didn’t know  _how_. Underneath the desire to get his best friend back, there was also the selfish fear that having Blaine around them again would reignite Kurt’s feelings. They’d been doing so well on getting over their past history. With Blaine there, would Kurt still only turn to him when he was scared, would he still lean into his touches and seek him out to ask questions or would he find that comfort in Blaine?   
  
He stayed back at the apartment while Rachel and Kurt left with the intention to call Blaine and sort things out but the second the door closed behind the two of them, Sebastian changed his mind.   
  
A few more days of separation wouldn’t hurt them. 

-

When Kurt walked through the apartment door sometime after six that evening, it took all of Sebastian’s strength not to throw himself at him in a vicious hug. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have thought twice but somehow, he had a feeling Kurt wouldn’t appreciate being jumped on at the moment. He honestly didn’t know why a few hours of separation had him this worked up. Maybe the accident had led to him developing a mild case of separation anxiety. He’d spent the whole day waiting for Kurt to come back, be nothing but a silent presence on the couch as he slept or browsed his laptop. At least he would have been in Sebastian’s line of sight.  
  
Rachel had texted him at lunch asking if he wanted to meet them at the restaurant they were headed but Sebastian had declined, thinking Kurt would want to spend the day with his fried undisturbed, even if it meant another few hours of torture for Sebastian.   
  
Kurt’s face when he walked through the door didn’t show any traces of enjoyment though. In fact, he looked even more tired than he had that morning. He didn’t even acknowledge Sebastian’s greeting.   
  
“Kurt, what’s wrong?” Sebastian asked, frowning when Kurt walked past the lounge in long, brisk steps.  
  
“I’m going to go lie down, please don’t come in.” he said, not looking at Sebastian. The bedroom door shut with a snap behind him and Sebastian’s nerves sparked to life in a wave of uncomfortable worry.   
  
He was tempted to just walk into the bedroom and demand to know what was wrong but the way Kurt had requested him to stay out kept him where he was. Not for long though because three minutes into the silence that had settled after Kurt went into the bedroom, Sebastian was out of his seat and striding towards the hall. He could hear faint noises coming from inside the bedroom, like balls rolling onto the floor.  
  
“Kurt, I’m coming in.” He called out as a warning before opening the door.   
  
He stopped in his tracks at the sight that greeted him. Kurt was shoving everything in sight on to the floor with unrestrained anger. A swipe of arm hand sent a row of snow globes to the floor, it was a wonder they didn’t shatter. Another swing of his hand and he knocked three frames askew. Papers were flying, slipping loose from the files they’d been in and floating to the ground in a slow dance.   
  
Kurt was in the middle of all it, conducting the destruction of the room without uttering a single sound.   
  
“Kurt!” Sebastian walked over to him and grabbed him by the arm, stumbling when Kurt shoved him away. He was breathing heavily as if he’d just run a marathon and from up close, Sebastian could see the tears streaming down his face. “Kurt,” he said in a horrified whisper. “What happened?”   
  
“What else have I missed, huh?” Kurt said, looking at him with a mixture of anger and helplessness. It took Sebastian a moment to realize Kurt was simply voicing the continuation of what he’d been thinking while trashing the room. “As if forgetting getting married to the man I love wasn’t enough -” Sebastian could do nothing but stare as Kurt turned around and sent a fresh pile of accessories to the floor. “Finn’s daughter - Dad’s bypass surgery – going to Paris -”   
  
Everything Kurt was saying was more a huff of breath than an actual sentence.   
  
“I’ve done things I would never have dreamed of, and I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember anything except how I got myself into this fucking mess in the first place!”   
  
“Kurt’s it’s not -”   
  
“That  _fucking_  accident -” Kurt kicked the floor lamp next to the bookshelf in frustration. “That  _stupid_  –  _fucking_  – inattentive driver! I’ve lost  _everything_  because of him!”

“No you haven’t -”   
  
“Really?” Kurt rounded on him, eyes red but blazing with rage. “You know what I did after Rachel left? I told her I’d get a cab and come straight home but I couldn’t even  _look_  at one without flashing back to the accident.” His voice was quivering but Sebastian didn’t dare approach him yet. “So, I decided to call you, see if you were interested in hanging out -” Sebastian's heart clenched at that. Kurt had thought of calling him, he’d voluntarily sought out an opportunity to spend time with  _him_.   
  
“Except,” Kurt continued. “I realized I didn’t have a cell phone. I could have bought a new one but I didn’t have enough cash and apparently, I don’t even know the PIN code to use for my ATM.” Kurt’s voice was dripping with sarcasm by now, tears subsiding in favor of an angry flush to his cheeks. “And forget that,” he said with a bitter laugh. “Even if I  _had_  bought a phone. I wouldn’t know your number. Or Rachel’s, or Blaine’s. I was lucky enough to at least remember where I lived.”   
  
Sebastian did step forward then, reaching out to touch Kurt’s cheek like he had that morning. Kurt didn’t push him away but he was still breathing heavily, no traces of calming down. “I have  _never_  -” he choked on his words, looking at Sebastian with tear filled eyes. “- felt so helpless in my life. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m a broken shell of what I used to be.”   
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said firmly, sliding his palms along Kurt’s cheek to cup his face in both hands. “Stop it. You are not broken. You said so yourself, you’re not.”   
  
Kurt seemed to have lost any energy to fight back. He simply stood with his eyes on Sebastian’s face, watching him in silence as Sebastian stroked his face in a helpless attempt to comfort. 

  
“I’ve made an appointment with Doctor Hendricks tomorrow morning at 11.” he said, fighting the urge to cry. “We’re going to figure this out, I promise. But right now, you’re going to go take a hot bath and then try and get some sleep.  _And_ ,” he added when Kurt still looked distressed. “You’re going to stop thinking. Whatever Rachel’s told you, whatever you saw in those pictures, or your flashbacks, I don’t care – block it out. Because none of it matters, okay?  _Nothing_  matters except for you.”   
  
For a moment, it seemed like Kurt was going to push him away but what he did surprised Sebastian even more. His hands came up to rest on Sebastian’s neck, angling his head down so their foreheads touched, breaths mingling. Their lips were inches apart and Sebastian was tempted to close the gap between them and press his lips to Kurt’s just once, a brief peck that would be nothing but a simple expression of how much he loved him.  
  
He was just about to lean in when Kurt said, “Sometimes I feel like you're the only person who’s keeping me from losing my mind.”

-

Kurt didn’t come out of his bath feeling any less miserable than he had before. He did however feel slightly calmer which might have been the work of the bath oils Sebastian had included in the water. He didn’t so much as glance down to the hall to his bedroom, knowing how it would look after the way he’d trashed it. There was no way he could sleep in there tonight, but the other option of sharing a bedroom with Sebastian wasn’t one he was quite ready for yet.   
  
Sebastian had apparently been aware of this fact because when Kurt walked into the lounge, he found the sofa and coffee table pushed aside, leaving space for a makeshift bed made out of blankets and pillows. The lights were turned off and the blinds were all let down. Kurt found the darkness soothing; a dull ache had started up in his head and the lack of sharp lights was a blessing on his vision. Sebastian had lit a few candles on the kitchen counter. Judging from the strong scent of jasmine and cranberry mandarin, they hadn’t been lit just for the sake of it.   
  
“The smell helps you sleep,” a gentle voice said from behind him. Kurt turned around to see Sebastian holding out a cup of tea for him with a warm smile on his face. “Chamomile,” he said, nodding to the cup. “You have it before bed on days when you’re stressed.”   
  
Kurt took the cup from Sebastian’s hands silently even though he didn’t feel like having tea. Once his hand was free, Sebastian reached out to touch Kurt’s cheek again, a gesture that Kurt was gradually getting used to. The brush of fingertips against his skin almost felt familiar now.   
  
His right temple gave a disgusting throb and almost as if he’d felt it, Sebastian’s hand drifted to it. “Headache?”   
  
Kurt nodded. “It’s building.”   
  
He wanted to sit down, or better, move to the blankets Sebastian had set up. Standing felt like too much effort.   
  
“I’ll get you some painkillers, hang on.” Sebastian moved back to the kitchen and returned a second later with the pill and a glass of water.   
  
It was still strange how well Sebastian knew him, how he knew exactly what to do and how to act to make Kurt feel better. He guessed it was something to be expected after seven years of being together. Still, it didn’t make it any less strange.   
  
The ‘bed’ when Kurt sat down on it, was more comfortable than he had expected considering all that separated him and the hard floor were a couple of blankets. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Sebastian sat down next to him but Sebastian must have seen the questioning look on his face anyway because he said, “There’s no way I’m letting you sleep alone tonight. And before you think it’s because you need someone looking after you, it’s not. I’m doing this for me. I’m not going to get a second of sleep unless I have you near me and I know you’re not comfortable enough to share a bed so feel free to roll as far away on this thing as you want.” He gestured between them at the expanse of blankets.   
  
Kurt managed a small smile and sipped his tea in silence. He liked how Sebastian managed to take care of him without making him feel like he  _needed_  someone to take care of him. He didn’t feel sick or broken or lost like he had standing in the middle of New York City that evening. All he felt was loved.  
  
And fuck, if that wasn’t the strangest thing of them all.   
  
 _Sebastian Smythe made him feel loved._  
  
“There’s a forecast of some light showers tonight,” Sebastian was saying beside him. “Which is perfect because you always said the sound of rain makes you sleepy. Hopefully you won’t even be awake to hear it when it starts but just in case. Helps.”  
  
Kurt hummed in response as he sipped his tea. He didn’t have the energy to say anything and Sebastian didn’t seem to be waiting for an answer. When he finished the last drags of his drink, Sebastian took the cup from his hands and went to place it in the kitchen. The candlelight danced on his face as he made his way back to Kurt. It was darker here than it had been in the kitchen and his face was enveloped by shadows once again and yet, Kurt could still make out his smile.  
  
“Everything okay?” he asked as he sat down.   
  
“Yeah,” Kurt said with a nod.   
  
“You want to lie down?”   
  
“No.”

He could feel the exhaustion of last night and this morning crashing down on him but the calm that had settled over his mind was giving way to feverish thoughts again. He drew his knees up to his chest and starting rocking back and forth, unaware of what he was doing. He hated admitting it to himself, but he was too scared to sleep.   
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian’s voice was right next to his ear, close enough that it almost felt like he was in his head. “Just  _try_  to sleep. Please?”   
  
“I can’t,” Kurt whispered feeling smaller than ever as he curled in on himself.   
  
“You won’t be able stay awake forever.”   
  
“I can try.”  
  
Sebastian laughed softly at that. “No, baby. You really can’t.” When Kurt didn’t say anything, Sebastian sighed. “Will you at least lie down?”   
  
Kurt didn’t look at Sebastian as he settled on his back. He felt Sebastian shuffle a little before he was moving in closer, his head propped up on an elbow as he looked down at Kurt.   
  
“Now close your eyes,” he said, barely above a whisper.   
  
That wasn’t something Kurt wanted to do, no matter how heavy his eyelids felt. He knew what he would see if he did. No amount of clearing his mind of thoughts would erase the images of the accident. They’d come rushing back to him just like they had last night and with it, the woman’s scream and the raised voices of him and Sebastian’s fighting.   
  
Sebastian seemed to know what Kurt was thinking – he seemed to know that a lot lately – and touched his hand to Kurt’s cheek. “I’m here,” was all he said.   
  
Kurt closed his eyes, breathing through his nose and trying his best to block all thoughts, all sounds and voices that weren’t part of the present. The rain had started up outside but it wasn’t as loud as it had been last time. He got a few moments of relatively comfortable silence until his brain reminded him that Sebastian was probably staring at him right now and his eyes flew open.   
  
Sebastian wasn’t staring at him; he’d moved on to his back next to him and his eyes were fixed on the ceiling. He turned his head when he sensed Kurt’s gaze and frowned, “You okay?”   
  
“Yeah,” Kurt said, turning his own gaze to the ceiling. The throbbing had returned to his head and he unconsciously reached up to press his fingers to the ache. Sebastian shifted, drawing Kurt’s hand away and replacing it with his own. Kurt wanted to protest but Sebastian spoke up before he could say anything.   
  
“Painkillers not helping?”   
  
“Apparently not,” Kurt said.   
  
Sebastian shifted even closer, his arm curving around Kurt’s body so his hand could cradle his head. Not a single other part of them was touching and Kurt was thankful for the care Sebastian was taking with everything.   
  
He made a small noise of approval deep in his throat when Sebastian pressed his thumb against Kurt’s temple. His fingers splayed out over his ear, digging gently into his scalp and massaging it in slow circles. Kurt’s eyes fluttered closed again as Sebastian continued to work his hand around his head, smoothing along the balls of pain in a well practiced motion.   
  
He wondered if this was something Sebastian did whenever Kurt had a bad day or if he was only doing this because of their current situation. Did he come home from work to the same care and devotion every day?   
  
Probably not considering how they’d been fighting in the weeks prior to the accident.   
  
But Sebastian had said they kept each other sane. Maybe in between all the fighting, there had been little gestures that showed they still loved each other, still cared?   
  
Kurt thought of how he’d texted Blaine the night at Scandals asking if he’d got home okay even after how things had ended between them in the parking lot. The thing about Blaine was, there had never been a point where he didn’t remember liking him. They had gone from best friends to boyfriends in the span of a few months and it had felt like the most natural thing in the world. The love hadn’t been something they had needed to develop – it had already been there.

Sebastian though, was a completely different story. If Kurt disregarded everything he’d felt in the past few days about the boy, if he went back and placed himself in his shoes when he  _had_  been eighteen, love would have been the last emotion he thought of when it came to Sebastian. How had they moved past all that bitterness between them, how had they fallen in to a love so strong that they’d committed to it forever?   
  
 _How?_  
  
Kurt had seen the comments on pictures dating back to 2016 when he and Sebastian had just started becoming friends. Comments like,  _Oh god, watching you two fight was the best part of my night._  and  _Both of you should not be allowed at a party together, too many insults flying around to keep things peaceful._. It was a sharp contrast to the comments on photographs a couple of years down the road with the two of them sitting with their arms around each other;  _Fucking cuteness. Cannot handle it._.  _Just get married already._    
  
He’d missed the years of slowly falling in love, of realizing that no matter what, they were it for each other.   
  
Were they?   
  
 _We were going to be fine_  Sebastian’s voice echoed in his head.  _We always are._    
  
 _I hope so_  a small part of Kurt said.  _I want us to be_    
  
He didn’t know if it was the idea of a husband who loved him that appealed to him or the thought that it was  _Sebastian_. Sebastian who he had hated and who had somehow grown to love him more than anything else in the world.   
  
Kurt fell asleep somewhere in between his thoughts, floating through a dreamless sleep but after what felt like a few scarce minutes, the calm and comfort gave way to panic.   
  
 _He could feel the familiar clenching in his stomach, hear the rising volume of screams – his, Sebastian’s, the woman’s, he didn’t know. He knew what was coming and he was desperate to get away from it before he saw it all happen again. His legs felt like jelly – or stone. Either way, he was rooted to the spot, swinging his head wildly from side to side looking for an escape.  
  
He saw Sebastian across the street and called out to him but Sebastian didn’t see him. Kurt tried to move again but the scene shifted and he was standing over a car wreck, blood and broken glass everywhere. This couldn’t be his accident, a sane part of his brain supplied. How would he know what the wreck looked liked from this perspective? And that couldn’t be his blood, there was too much of it – enough to kill a man.   
  
He felt sick, invisible in the crowd of people gathered around him. But no matter how much he wanted to run away from the scene, something kept pulling him closer. He didn’t have to push people aside, he floated right through them as if they were nothing but wisps of air. When he got to the front, he found the source of blood and his stomach lurched, heart speeding up to a pace fast enough that it felt as if it would beat right out of his chest.  
  
No, the blood wasn’t his. It was Sebastian’s._  
  
Kurt gasped, eyes flying open. He couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything except blink and pant harshly as his heart rate slowed down. His face was turned towards the windows but he couldn’t make out anything except the darkness. When he finally regained some feeling in his limbs, he turned on his side, eyes seeking out Sebastian’s form. He was asleep an arm’s length away from Kurt, leg thrown out so his toes were brushing Kurt’s calf. Kurt slid closer to him, his hand shaking when he reached out to touch his arm.   
  
Sebastian jerked even though the touch had been light. “Kurt?”   
  
Kurt didn’t reply, just slid closer, willing the pounding in his heart to slow down. Sebastian seemed to think he’d had another flashback because, as always, he said “I’m here.”   
  
His words meant so much more now. Kurt pressed his face into his shoulder, curling an arm around Sebastian’s middle to hold him close. The warm, solid weight of him was enough to normalize the erratic patterns of his beating heart. Sebastian held him quietly and after a few minutes, Kurt thought that he’d gone back to sleep. He tilted his head, brushing his lips along the sleep warm skin of Sebastian’s jaw.   
  
It wasn’t a kiss. It was a reassurance.

Sebastian’s arm tightened around him and Kurt’s heart skid to a sudden stop – Sebastian was still awake. He didn’t say anything though, not even when Kurt slipped out of his arms and turned on his other side again.   
  
Closing his eyes gave way to the same bloodied image of Sebastian’s body but Kurt forced himself to block it out. When he was young, he used to build up extended fantasies in his head to push out the lingering fear of whatever nightmare he’d woken up from. He tried to do that now but nothing stuck, the same images kept popping up   
  
The blankets shifted and Sebastian’s chest brushed against his back, an arm encircling Kurt’s waist.   
  
Sometimes, when building fantasies hadn’t work, Kurt had go into his parent’s room and curled up into a little ball between them. His mother used to reach out and pull him against her chest in her sleep and Kurt fell asleep feeling safe and loved in her arms.   
  
His body seemed to associate Sebastian’s arms with the same safety and love because Kurt found himself being lulled into sleep again and this time, the only thing he saw when he closed his eyes was [a picture Sebastian had posted on his Facebook](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwfbneA5jn1r8uqkso1_500.jpg) with the caption _somehow, you managed to show me love isn’t completely pointless after all. I love you, Kurt._


	9. Chapter 9

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Sebastian asked when they pulled up in front of the hospital the next day.   
  
Kurt unbuckled his seatbelt and shook his head. “I want to talk to her on my own, if that’s okay.”   
  
“Of course it is. Just tell me everything important, okay?”   
  
“I will,” Kurt said with a small smile.   
  
Sebastian seemed to visibly relax at the assurance. “I have to drop by the office and pick up some paperwork,” he said. “I’ll be back in an hour. Call me if you’re free before that.”   
  
“I still don’t have a phone,” Kurt pointed out.   
  
“We’ll fix that by tonight,” Sebastian said with a grin. “Until then, use the hospital’s. You have my card?” When Kurt nodded, Sebastian leaned over the gearshift and kissed his cheek, lips lingering long enough for Kurt’s eyes to flutter closed before he pulled away. “I’ll see you in an hour.”   
_  
  
Kurt wasn’t called in until a quarter past eleven. Doctor Hendricks smiled when she saw him. “I was wondering when you were going to come in for a follow up,” she said, gesturing for him to take a seat. “How’re things?”   
  
Kurt took a deep breath before he started talking; he told her everything from the flashbacks and the insomnia to the headaches and disorientation that followed. Doctor Hendricks listened in silence until he finished talking.   
  
“The flashbacks are completely normal,” she assured him. “Even in patients without amnesia, its common for certain sounds or images to trigger memories of trauma.”   
  
“There isn’t always a trigger, though.” Kurt said, remembering the night he’d flashed back just as Sebastian had leaned in to kiss him. “Not anything obvious, at least.”   
  
“Well the fear of the accident is embedded in your brain. For some people, they’ll try to block it out, for others, it keeps coming back no matter what. You don’t necessarily need a trigger.”   
  
“So if flashbacks to traumatic events happen to everyone, it’s not a sign that my memories are coming back?”   
  
“It could be a starting point.” she said. “Have you recalled anything other than the accident itself?”   
  
Kurt nodded. “I had a fight with my husband that morning, just before I left. I remember snippets of the conversation.”   
  
“And you’ve actively been trying to remember things?” she asked as she started to shuffle through his folder, pulling out the blood reports and PET scans that had been taken shortly after he’d woken up.  
  
“Yes,” Kurt said with another affirming nod. “I’ve looked at pictures and read through my planners but nothing really helps. Sometimes I get a sense of déjà vu or connect certain scents with emotions but as far as actual memories go, I don’t have much.”   
  
Doctor Hendricks still had her eyes fixed on a report in her hand. She didn’t look worried and that comforted Kurt, especially when she looked back up at him and gave him another smile. “Like I said before, there’s no neurological damage present from what your tests show. It’s just a case of psychogenic amnesia. Your memories aren’t lost forever.”   
  
“How long until I get them back?” Kurt asked, fully aware of the slightest hint of childishness to his tone.   
  
“It’s difficult to say,” Doctor Hendricks said in a gentle voice. “In most cases, memories don’t come back in one big sweep. It’s a gradual process; you’re probably going to get disconnected pieces of information as you go along. You mentioned that certain scents help you?   
  
Kurt nodded, not wanting to elaborate on the body wash incident when it wasn’t required. “Yes,” he said. “But in the abstract sense.”   
  
“Try narrowing your focus on what you want to remember,” she said. “Instead of looking at pictures spanning ten years, try a month. Pick events you’re emotionally invested in. There’s a greater chance that it’ll prompt your memory. It’ll also help if you keep a diary, track the memories as they come by so when you go back to them, things will start fitting like the pieces of a puzzle.”

She dissuaded him from doing anything that might cause him unneeded stress. That ruled out going back to work, not that Kurt had planned on it so soon. He didn’t even know the details of what he did, nor did he have any idea how he was going to go about it without college or work experience. He’d simply had been hoping to get some part of his life back on track. Doctor Hendricks shook her head when he told her that, “It’s too soon. You can’t put that much strain on yourself, it’s not going to help your memory and it’ll only worsen your insomnia.”   
  
Kurt hadn’t woken up a single time after he’d fell asleep with Sebastian’s arms around last night. He thought of that when Doctor Hendricks pulled a pad of paper and a pen towards her. “I’m reluctant to prescribe any heavy medication to help jog your memory just yet,” she said. “I’ll give you some light relaxants that’ll help you sleep and your headaches but that should be about it.”   
  
“And if they don’t work?” Kurt asked as he took the prescription paper from her.   
  
“We’ll see what we can do then.”   
_  
  
Sebastian was tapping his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel when Kurt climbed into the passenger seat. He waited until Kurt had his seatbelt fastened before he asked, “How’d it go?”   
  
“Good,” Kurt said, leaning back in the seat. “I got my questions answered at least.” He proceeded to give Sebastian a low down of the basics, only pausing when Sebastian had a question of his own. Kurt could see him slowly relaxing once he assured him that according to Doctor Hendricks, everything was normal – from the flashbacks to the headaches. “She actually told me it was progress just before I left,” he said. “And that hopefully by the time I go in for my next appointment, I’ll have regained a few more memories.”   
  
“Let’s hope so,” Sebastian said as he took a turn. Kurt’s eyes flickered over Sebastian to the window where the road was curving but he didn’t so much as bat an eye. It was easier to be on the road when he was with Sebastian and the vehicle in question wasn’t a cab. Everything somehow seemed easier with Sebastian which was funny considering how Sebastian had been the center of his worries when he’d first learned the truth about their situation.  
  
They stopped to pick up some supplies on the way home. Kurt turned the topic to Sebastian’s work, asking him when he was due back. A small part of him wished the answer was  _not for a while_. He didn’t want to be the one left behind feeling useless in the apartment while everyone around him went back to their lives.   
  
“I start next Monday,” Sebastian said, picking up a carton of milk and putting it in their cart. “I was working from home when you were in hospital and my partner was covering for me where he could so I was able to get this week off completely. I would have extended my leave but I can’t with all the work that’s piled up.” He cast an apologetic look to Kurt and it reminded him of what Sebastian had said about work being crazy a few weeks ago. God knows how many deals or cases or whatever the hell Sebastian dealt with – he’d missed just to spend time with Kurt.  
  
“Raspberry chocolate or peanut butter cup?”   
  
“Huh?” Kurt lifted his head from the cart to see Sebastian holding up two cartons of ice cream.   
  
“For tonight,” he said, shaking both cartons as if to weigh the contents. “What do you want?”   
  
Kurt was confused. “What’s tonight?”   
  
Either Sebastian didn’t hear him or he ignored him because all he did was say, “Let’s take both,” and placed the ice creams in the cart next to the milk.   
  
“What’s tonight?” Kurt repeated when they started walking again.   
  
“Movie night,” Sebastian said with a grin. “We’ve got to start getting you up to date with the entertainment industry. You are way too behind on pop culture.”   
  
Kurt smiled as Sebastian started sorting through fruits. “I was actually hoping to call my dad for dinner tonight,” he said. “I’ve been meaning to cook anyway and I have a lot to talk about what with all the brand new information Rachel gave me yesterday.”

Sebastian looked a little crestfallen but he covered it up well. “Yeah, sure. We can still do the movie afterwards, right?”   
  
Kurt nodded and said, “Yeah,” as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.   
  
Aside from the ice cream, Kurt was surprised at the lack of junk food in their cart. He’d shopped with Blaine and Finn before; he was used to the ratio of 1: 5 when it came to actual food and poor excuses for food.   
  
“You’re health conscious?” he couldn’t help but ask.   
  
“What, no.” Sebastian said with a laugh. “Well, I mean. I got the gym regularly but I’m not really picky about what I eat in terms of calories. Why?”   
  
Kurt had meant to comment on the lack of crisps and sodas in their cart, meant to make a reference about past experiences with boys and their eating habits but all that came out was, “You’re in good shape.”   
  
Sebastian’s face lit up with a grin so wide, it was a wonder his face didn’t split in half. “Oh,  _am I_?”   
  
His tone had the same, obnoxious teasing lilt to it that Kurt remembered. It was so easy to slip back into the cool persona he’d used to deal with Sebastian back in high school. “Don’t flatter yourself, Sebastian.” He said with a roll of his eyes.   
  
“I’m not the one doing the flattering here, Kurt.”   
  
“It was just an observation,” he said, posture defensive but voice unaffected. “You’re in good shape, just like that man clearly isn’t.” He nodded towards a man in his mid forties, browsing a row of nacho dips to their right.  
  
The grin was still plastered to his face but Sebastian didn’t tease him any further. Kurt knew there was no way the blush on his face wasn’t showing but at least this way, he got to hold on to his dignity.   
_   
  
“Wow, this place is a freaking mess,” Sebastian said when they walked through the front door. Kurt felt momentarily guilty, remembering the careless way he’d tossed things to the ground last night until he realized Sebastian was only talking about the lounge. Their bedding was still strewn across the floor, the blinds hadn’t been lifted and the apartment smelled slightly stale.   
  
They hadn’t had a chance to clean up this morning. Kurt had woken up with Sebastian plastered to his back at quarter past ten and nothing, not even their close proximity was able to distract him from the fear of being late to his appointment.  
  
“You clean this up,” Kurt said as he walked over to the kitchen and deposited their groceries on the counter. “I have a meal to cook.”   
  
“Let’s have lunch first?” Sebastian said, lifting the blinds to let in some light. “We never got to have breakfast and I’m  _hungry_.”   
  
“You go ahead,” Kurt said with a wave of his hand, already pulling out ingredients he needed. “I don’t want anything just yet.”   
  
Sebastian threw together a sandwich, glaring at Kurt when he smirked at the way he cut the corners of the bread. “Don’t you dare laugh at me,” he said. “You make smiley faces with maple syrup on your pancakes.”   
  
He grinned smugly when Kurt scowled and turned away.

-

When the intercom buzzed, signalling Burt’s arrival, Kurt abandoned the salad he had been tossing to answer it even after Sebastian called out, “I’ll get it.” He ignored the questioning frown his impatience earned him and waited by the door while Burt’s elevator came up.   
  
He was anxious to see his dad again even though it had only been a day since their last meeting. Somewhere in between talking about how she and Finn had ultimately decided they weren’t going to work together, Rachel had mentioned Burt’s second heart attack and the emergency bypass surgery that had to be conducted as a result. To say the news had come as a shock was a drastic understatement. Kurt knew there wasn’t any point in him freaking out  _now_  when the operation was over and done with and his dad seemed perfectly healthy, but still. It was big news and just the image of his father in the hospital again was enough to make him shiver.   
  
Burt seemed surprised that Kurt had found out so soon when he confronted him about the surgery but all he laughed it off, “It was years ago, kiddo. I’m fine.”   
  
“It’s not about how long ago it was, dad it’s about how you didn’t tell me.”  
  
“What was there to tell huh? You’ve got enough on your plate at the moment without stressing yourself out over something that happened years ago.”   
  
“I swear,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “You Hummel men are the same. Silent suffering seems to be a running trend in the family.” He caught Kurt’s eye and grinned, obviously thinking about how Kurt had refused to tell Burt about the flashback because he hadn’t wanted to worry him.   
  
Kurt couldn’t argue with that but he exchanged a smile with his father as they walked over to the kitchen. He told him about the flashbacks over dinner, finally calm enough himself to sound convincing when he assured his dad he was fine.   
  
Apparently, his word wasn’t enough because Burt’s head swivelled to look at Sebastian who was sitting next to Kurt just to get conformation that he was in fact, telling the truth. That made Kurt feel just a little bit insulted but judging by how often than not he’d closed himself off when going through trouble, he felt that Burt’s hesitancy in taking his word for it was justified.   
  
“I promise, I’m not lying.” He said with a roll of his eyes. “It was hard at first because I didn’t know what was happening but I met Doctor Hendricks today and she said it’s a sign of progress that I’ve started remembering things that aren’t just a part of the accident.”   
  
“Wait, what?” Burt said over a bite of garlic bread. “You never mentioned anything about getting other memories back.”   
  
Kurt felt Sebastian stiffen a little next to him. A foot touched his underneath the table in a silent warning, not that Kurt needed it. He wasn’t about to tell his father they’d been fighting. “It’s not much,” he said carefully. “All I remember is talking to Sebastian before I left the house that morning.”   
  
Burt seemed to buy it. “Well that’s good. That’s really good. Did your doctor say anything else?”   
  
Kurt started to tell him about how she’d suggested he narrow his focus to specific periods and the medication she’d prescribed him for his headaches but he was constantly distracted because Sebastian hadn’t pulled his foot away yet. His toe was flexing periodically against the back of Kurt’s foot in an almost teasing dance.   
  
He couldn’t see the expression on Sebastian’s face when he pulled his foot away since his eyes were focused on Burt but later, when Kurt glanced at him, Sebastian looked perfectly fine albeit a little crestfallen like he had at the grocery store earlier that day. Kurt couldn’t help but feel like Sebastian had been testing the waters, checking to see if Kurt would pull away or let him stay where he was.  
  
He hadn’t realized his glance had turned into an unconscious stare until Sebastian turned his head and caught him. Kurt looked away but not before he caught the grin spreading across Sebastian’s face. He was thankful Sebastian didn’t call him out on it though. All he said was, “Whether you get your memories back or not, I think it’s safe to say your cooking skills haven’t been affected.”

After dinner, Sebastian excused himself to make an important call. Burt settled on the kitchen stool, eyes trained on Kurt who was setting the dishwasher. He hadn’t been as enthusiastic about washing the dishes by hand this time around.   
  
“You two seem to be doing better,” he commented.   
  
Kurt nodded, not looking up from the plates he was arranging. “We’re working on it.”   
  
“Anything you wanna talk about?” Burt asked in a gentle voice that told Kurt he wasn’t trying to force a conversation on him.   
  
He thought of refusing at first because his relationship with Sebastian was something he felt intensely protective of to the point he didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. Not even Rachel had been able to get him to talk about how things were between the two of them. The reason he didn’t want to say anything was because there was no simple answer.  _Fine_ ,  _good_ ,  _okay_  were too generic terms, the real answer was  _complicated_  and he wasn’t ready to elaborate on just  _how_  complicated.   
  
Kurt was trying to strike a balance between his old self (that he had conveniently named  _Sebastian’s Kurt_ ) and his new self. Trying to explain how the two blended together at moments wasn’t a simple task. Hell, he barely understood it himself. But the way Burt was looking at him - patiently, affectionately, made Kurt change his mind.  
  
“Yes,” he said in a quiet voice.   
  
Burt leaned his elbows on the counter and waited. Kurt abandoned the dishes and went to stand on the opposite end of the counter in front of Burt, trying to think of how to phrase what he wanted to ask.   
  
“This is going to sound crazy,” he started. “But sometimes I feel like there are two of me.” Burt didn’t laugh at him, didn’t frown, just stared back and nodded for him to continue. “On one hand there’s pre-accident me and then there’s  _me_ -me.   
  
The sentence had sounded better in his head. Frustrated, Kurt started over. “Remember how you told me to imagine you waking up and not remembering me anymore? Well, let’s pretend you  _do_  remember me, but in your head, I’m still a sophomore.” Burt nodded again, slower this time and Kurt could see he was getting into the headspace he’d asked him to imagine. “Think of how badly I was being bullied back then and how Finn was a part of all of it. Now imagine waking up and discovering that that Finn is your stepson.”   
  
He could see he’d hit home with his example. Burt’s lips parted and he said, “Oh.”   
  
“Exactly,” Kurt said with a small smile. “But then you’d spend a few days with him and see how much he loves you and how he’s changed over the years. Say your memories started coming back but they were more...sense memories than actual memories. Like, you’d reach for a high five after he cracked a really funny joke or, I don’t know, clap him on the back like you do now. You wouldn’t realize how familiar you were acting with him, it would all be unconscious because in your conscious mind, he was still technically your son’s bully. But after a while, the past would start to fade away because it didn’t hold any relevance in your present life and you wouldn’t want to bring those old issues back up because you’ve clearly moved past them at some point in your life and you trust yourself enough to know that whatever the reason had been, it’d been strong enough.”   
  
“Is that how you feel?” Burt asked. “With Sebastian?”   
  
Kurt took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes,” he breathed. It felt like a huge secret had been let out into the open and he panicked until he reminded himself that this was his dad. A man he trusted more than anyone in the whole world. “I feel like he’s family,” Kurt said. “It’s hard to wrap my head around the whole husbands part sometimes but – I can feel he meant a lot to pre-accident me.”   
  
“What about post-accident you?”

“I – don’t know.” Kurt admitted. “It’s confusing. Sometimes, it feels like we’re just good friends. We get along. Other times, it’s like he’s the sole reason I haven’t gone crazy yet and I need him around me to keep myself calm. He  _knows_  me,” he let out a huff of breath, almost like a laugh. “It’s scary how well he knows me.”  
  
“And that makes you feel vulnerable.” It wasn’t a question. Sebastian wasn’t the only one who knew him well. Burt smiled, seeming to sense that he’d been right. “Look Kurt, I know how much your independence matters you and I’m not going to tell you for a second that you’re wrong for wanting it. All I’m gonna say is that being in a relationship with someone automatically makes you vulnerable, especially when you’ve been with them for seven years – married or not. I’ve seen you and Sebastian go through some crazy times together. You think that slushy was the worst of it?”   
  
Kurt’s eyebrows creased. “What are you talking about?”   
  
Burt shook his head. “Not my place to say. What I mean is, yeah he’s got seven years on you right now but do you honestly think you didn’t know every bit of him just as well?” Kurt shrugged even though he knew the answer what the answer was. Burt’s tone became gentler and he dipped his head to catch Kurt’s gaze. “Is it going to be scary having someone who can read you like the back of their hand? Hell yeah! But don’t run away from it just because it makes you vulnerable. Trust me, sometimes allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of someone isn’t a weakness. It takes a hell of a lotta strength.”  
  
“I’m not running away,” Kurt said, meeting his dad’s gaze. “I don’t want to. That’s the thing. I want to be around him, sometimes I like how he knows exactly what I need but I just don’t know how far I want to take things right now or whether I even consider myself his husband or just his friend. I don’t – I don’t know.”  
  
“And that’s okay. I don’t think Sebastian is going anywhere anytime soon,” Burt said with a smile.  
  
“Where am I not going?” Sebastian asked, walking back into the kitchen. Kurt straightened up and wiped his face of the exasperation that had been painted across it a second ago.  
  
“Nowhere,” he said.   
  
“Ah, talking about me were we?” Sebastian said with a grin. When Kurt rolled his eyes, he nudged their shoulders. “It’s okay. I won’t pry -  _yet_. Burt, you wanna watch some football?” he asked, turning to look at Burt.   
  
“No, I should get going.” Burt said, slapping his palm on the counter and standing up. “Dinner was amazing, Kurt.”   
  
“Thanks,” Kurt said. The look in Burt’s eyes told him he knew he wasn’t just thanking him for the compliment.


	10. Chapter 10

  
Kurt had forgotten about Sebastian’s plans for a movie night until he emerged from the bathroom to find the coffee table pushed aside and blankets laid out again. The couch was still in place though, playing host to Sebastian’s back as he leaned against it, legs stretched out on the blanket in front of him. He was wearing the same fitted short sleeved shirt he always wore to bed and a pair of bottle blue cotton pajama pants.   
  
As he approached him, Kurt wondered how many people had been given the chance to see Sebastian like this. Sure, there must have been countless guys who’d seen every inch of skin on Sebastian’s body and touched him in ways that Kurt was still uncomfortable thinking about – but how many of those guys had been able to see Sebastian as open and relaxed as he was right now, his hair an innocent kind of messy from pulling his shirt carelessly over his head instead of the result of a rough fuck and the grin on his face not meant to be anything but warm?   
  
“Can I ask you something?” Kurt said as he sat down next to Sebastian and stretched his own legs out.  
  
Sebastian nodded, holding up two spoons and one of the ice cream cartons they’d bought earlier. Kurt accepted the offered spoon and watched Sebastian open the lid of the carton, noticing how pronounced the stubble on his chin and upper lip was becoming with the lack of shaving.  
  
“How many boyfriends have you had?”   
  
Sebastian looked up, a mix of amusement and curiosity on his face. “Why?” he asked, tilting his face just a little and regarding Kurt with an exaggerated suspicious look.   
  
Kurt stared back with determination. “Because I want to know.”   
  
“I take it we’re not counting the ones that lasted less than twelve hours?” Kurt’s expression must have given him the answer because he grinned and said, “Right. Well – that narrows the options quite a bit.”  
  
“The first time we met, you said you’d met the love of your life on the dance floor at Scandals. Was I supposed to think you were joking or...?”   
  
“I was joking,” Sebastian said with a grin. “I met the love of my life in a coffee shop.”   
  
Kurt licked his lips and focused his eyes on the spoon he was currently dipping into the carton. There was a thin layer of melted ice cream at the top and Kurt swirled his spoon around it absently, willing his face not to heat up under Sebastian’s gaze.   
  
“Have you ever even _had_  a boyfriend?” he asked, finally raising his eyes to Sebastian’s again.   
  
Sebastian shrugged, knocking Kurt’s spoon aside and taking a bite of his own. “I think I’ve had two, excluding you.”   
  
“You  _think_?” Kurt said, arching an eyebrow.  
  
“Well, it’s kind of difficult to determine whether they’re boyfriends or just guys I choose to have sex with on a fairly regular basis and don’t kick out immediately afterwards.”  
  
Kurt regarded Sebastian with a vaguely disgusted look. He shouldn’t have been surprised because this  _was_  Sebastian after all but all of a sudden he was reminded too much of the seventeen year old promiscuous boy he’d hated with a passion.   
  
“What?” Sebastian said, frowning when Kurt continued to stare at him.  
  
“Nothing, I guess I kind of forgot who you were over these past few days.”   
  
Sebastian didn’t seem offended by the comment at all. In fact, his frown disappeared instantly, replaced by a wide grin. “Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.”  
  
“What am I doing?”

In lieu of an answer, Sebastian held up his hand, the band on his finger glinting in the glow of the lamps. “Kurt, what’s this?” he asked in a voice a teacher might use to ask a pre-schooler a letter of the alphabet. Kurt knew what Sebastian was trying to say – look at this ring, it means I’m yours. Those guys don’t matter anymore – but his tone still made Kurt feel a flare of irritation and he slapped Sebastian’s hand away, glaring at him. Sebastian laughed, “You weren’t like that, okay?”  
  
“You mean I wasn’t just someone you enjoyed having sex with more than once?” Kurt deadpanned. Sebastian arched an eyebrow in reply and Kurt rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean.”   
  
“I do.” Sebastian said with a nod. “And no, you weren’t  _just someone_  but I did enjoy having sex with you more than once.”   
  
Fortunately, Kurt was well past the point of getting embarrassed or uncomfortable when mentions of their sex life came up so all he did was take a bite of ice cream and ask, “What was I then? To you?”  
  
“A pain in the ass.” Sebastian said, shaking his head.  
  
“I assure you, I probably thought the same of you too.” Kurt said coolly before he deflated a bit and added, “Which is why I don’t understand how we ever got together in the first place.”   
  
Sebastian slid in closer so the length of his left leg was pressed against Kurt’s right and propped an elbow on the sofa behind Kurt’s shoulder. “You want an honest answer?”   
  
“I wasn’t aware I’d have to specify that,” Kurt said with some difficulty. His brain seemed very fixated on the prickle of electricity that was coursing through him where their legs were touching.  
  
“Just making sure I won’t be bombarding you with more information than you can handle.” Sebastian said.  
  
“You won’t,” Kurt said firmly. “I’m okay.”  
  
“It was complicated,” Sebastian said. “Until our first date, we were just friends and then that night happened and things – changed. Like, drastically.”   
  
“Why?”   
  
“Well, we had sex, for one thing.” Sebastian said and Kurt could not have been more thankful for his casual tone. He didn’t think he could deal with long, lingering pauses and hesitant looks. The fact that he and Sebastian had sex was something he had long since accepted just like he’d accepted that they were married. Trying to hide it or acting subtle would not only be silly but also insulting to him – he wasn’t a blushing virgin anymore. He could handle listening to Sebastian talk about their sex life without feeling awkward – at least not any more awkward than hearing Sebastian talk about their love life.   
  
“So?” Kurt said with the same casual tone.   
  
“ _So_ , it was amazing.” Sebastian said with a grin. “More amazing than either of us had expected and no amount of sex we had that night – or the next morning – was enough to stop the craving for more.”   
  
Kurt frowned. “That – that’s all it was about?” he asked, a little let down. “Sex?”  
  
Sebastian shook his head in reassurance. “It’s kind of difficult to explain because we weren’t thinking clearly about any of it. You were still patching your relationship with Blaine and settling in to New York. You hadn’t had a steady boyfriend for months and I was my same old self, going out and fucking whoever was hot enough. Somewhere in between all that, we became friends. Like I said, you were going through a tough time with your internship and you enjoyed taking it out on me.”   
  
“I still don’t understand how that makes things complicated,” Kurt said, watching the spoon in Sebastian’s hand make the journey from the carton to Sebastian’s lips.  
  
“Because, when we went on a date it was supposed to be a fun, onetime thing and we would’ve used the embarrassing sounds we made during sex as blackmail material for future use.”   
  
“But that didn’t happen.” Kurt said slowly.  
  
Sebastian smiled. “We enjoyed it too much. And we wanted more. The thing was, we couldn’t exactly become fuck buddies because it would put our friendship at risk and neither of us was ready for that. So we kept up the formality of more dates.”

No amount of imagination could make the scenario believable in Kurt’s head. He couldn’t think of how he would ever use dating as an excuse to have sex without an ounce of sincerity in the emotional aspects of the relationship. There was a gap in the story and that gap was Kurt’s thought process in all of this. Kurt desperately wished he had his memories right now so he could see the reasoning of his past self in agreeing to an arrangement like that.   
  
Sebastian must have seen the disbelief on Kurt’s face because he said, “You stopped being so comfortable with all of it after a while.”   
  
“Why?” Kurt asked.  
  
“See the thing was, even though the dates were formalities – they were still dates. We were spending way more time alone together than we had before and it was starting to change us.”   
  
“Change as in -”  
  
“We were becoming too involved. Without realizing it, we were making ourselves more vulnerable to each other than we had before. Then Christmas break came around and you went back to Lima -”   
  
Kurt felt something stir inside him like a warning. There were flashes in his head, little glimpses of Sebastian smirking at him with snowflakes in his hair as he watched Kurt enjoy his first winter in New York, airports packed with people flying in all directions to get to their families in time for the holidays – he didn’t know what his mind was grappling for, probably some way to fill in the gaps of the story Sebastian was telling him but he couldn’t quite place the warning.   
  
Sebastian had gone silent next to him, staring at the slowly melting ice cream in his hands. “What happened when I went back to Lima?” Kurt asked quietly.   
  
“At the airport, you hugged me. Really tightly and you said  _I’m going to miss you, asshole_ ,” Sebastian had started to twirl his spoon around the melted mess of ice cream now and he didn’t look up as he continued talking. “I laughed and said I’d try and return the favor but the thing was, I  _did_  miss you. You’d started sleeping over a lot and after you left everything suddenly seemed really – empty. It was at that point that I realized how deep we’d gotten ourselves into this thing, how deep  _I’d_  gotten in to it. I panicked. My opinion on relationships then was no different from what it had been in high school. I didn’t trust them and I didn’t trust myself to be in one. So I did the only thing I could think of to convince myself that nothing had changed -”  
  
“You cheated on me.” Kurt said simply, staring at his feet.  
  
“It wasn’t cheating.” Sebastian said. “I’m not saying that in my defense, I’m saying that because it was the truth. We weren’t actually dating and we both knew it.”  
  
“But I didn’t see it like that, did I?” Kurt said, feeling a pang of sympathy towards his younger self mixed with a certain amount of disappointment at how he hadn’t had the sense to guard himself against what was bound to have been even more crushing heartbreak after Blaine. “I fell in love with you.”  
  
There it was. The reason he’d agreed to keep going on those ‘dates’; he had gone and fallen in love with Sebastian Smythe.  
  
Sebastian looked at him, his eyes guilty. “How do you know?”   
  
“Wild guess,” Kurt said with a small smile.  
  
Sebastian sighed. “You did – but so did I. You just had the guts to admit it and then step back. We stopped our dates and you started going out with this Liam guy who’d been after you for ages.”   
  
Liam – the name sounded familiar. There had been a boy with chestnut colored hair and dimples that Kurt had seemed to have been with in a lot of the pictures dating back to early 2017, he remembered thinking that the boy must have been his boyfriend judging how close they had been in all of the shots. Now he knew he had been right.  
  
“What happened with us? After I came back?”

“We were still at each other’s throats,” Sebastian said. “But you were a lot more guarded around me and it frustrated me to no extent because I’d become used to seeing you completely open – no pun intended.” He grinned and Kurt shook his head, an amused smile tugging at his lips. “I didn’t know what to do to get you back because you weren’t ignoring me so technically there was no  _getting you back_. You took me home after I got too drunk to drive some nights and you would still buy me coffee from time to time when I was stressed about law school but I still felt so fucking  _lost_. There you were, all composed with a shiny new boyfriend next to you and you were moving on – and then there  _I_  was, going fucking crazy because I was in love with you but wasn’t ready to admit it and basically - there’s a lot of middle but I’m going to skip forward because we need that happy ending already – I got my shit together and started actively pursuing you.”  
  
Kurt couldn’t help the snort that escaped him at that. “ _Actively pursuing?_ ”  
  
To his surprise, Sebastian blushed. “I was horrible at it, okay? I can be charming when I want to be but it’s kind of hard when the person I’m trying to charm knows me well enough to see through any fancy dinner reservations and polite talk and -” Kurt was suppressing laughter by this point because Sebastian was getting defensive, ice cream spilling over from the carton and trickling onto his fingers as he rambled on. “- your boyfriend was a real fucking pain. He’d get suspicious if I so much as  _looked_  in your direction and obviously, he hated me because eventually, at one point it became obvious what I was doing and everyone seemed to catch on except for you.”   
  
Kurt frowned. “I couldn’t have been that clueless. I refuse to believe you were throwing yourself at me with laughable attempts at being ‘charming’ and I didn’t notice.”   
  
Sebastian shook his head. “You heartless  _dick_ ,” he said. “You noticed all right. You were just enjoying torturing me. You kept me at it for weeks even after Liam broke up with you and – oh yeah, go ahead. Laugh. Let’s all laugh. Ha.  _Ha_.”   
  
Kurt leaned his head back against Sebastian’s folded arm where it rested on the couch and laughed until his vision blurred with the tears in his eyes and well, that was a new. Laughter as a cause for tears. He would definitely take it over the alternative of painful flashbacks.   
  
“Oh god, I would kill to remember that.” Kurt said when his laughs subsided and he finally regained control of his breathing. His stomach was in stitches and he placed a hand over it as he tilted his head to see Sebastian smiling at him. His eyes were warm and – well, there was no other word for it -  _adoring_. “What finally won this prince over, then?” Kurt asked.  
  
Sebastian leaned in and pressed his lips to Kurt’s forehead, completely unlike the way he had the first night in their apartment. That had been desperate and sloppy with his tears and heartbreak. This was nothing like that. The press of his lips was soft and tender, lingering on Kurt’s forehead until he could feel the warmth of the touch down to the tips of his toes. They curled of their own accord and his face tilted, causing Sebastian’s lips to skid over his forehead until they were skimming the top of his left eyebrow.   
  
“A kiss,” he said, pulling away a little bit only to dip back down and kiss the arch of Kurt’s cheekbone. “Several kisses.”   
  
“Really?” Kurt said, trying to keep his voice steady. It came out sounding more than just steady. It sounding playful and flirty and  _hey_  - where did that come from? But Kurt didn’t fight it, he was having too much fun. “No Central Park serenade? No skywritten messages across New York City?”   
  
“I’m much better at expressing my feelings physically.” Sebastian said, kissing the curve of Kurt’s jaw. The arm that had been resting on the sofa now curved around Kurt’s shoulder, draping over it and pulling him closer against Sebastian’s side as he hooked his ankle over Kurt’s. “So much easier than words.”

Kurt waited for the closeness to feel uncomfortable. Waited for the telltale signs of panic in his head and body which would make him want to pull away but it was like his whole body was buzzing – with laughter, with affection, with god only knew what. All  _Kurt_  knew was that he felt happier than he had since the accident, light and carefree and Sebastian was grinning against his cheek, the edges of his smile pressing into Kurt’s own.   
  
“Kurt?”   
  
“Mm.”   
  
Sebastian’s other hand caught Kurt’s and he tangled their fingers together, arm tightening around Kurt’s shoulder and drawing him in even closer until Kurt could feel every rise and fall of Sebastian’s chest as he breathed.   
  
“I love you.”   
  
The words washed over him, sinking into the depths of his bones. A part of Kurt wanted to say  _I love you too_  but he knew it was more  _I’m sure I loved you too_. He bit his tongue to keep from giving in to the temptation because whenever he said those words, he wanted them to be every bit as sincere and heartfelt as they could be, unhindered by conflicting emotions from memories he was trying so hard to remember. Something pure and entirely  _his_.  
  
“You don’t have to say it back,” Sebastian said, saving him the trouble of replying. “I just needed to say it right now.”  
  
Kurt felt a rush of gratitude for him and turned his head just the slightest so he could press a kiss to the corner of his mouth in a silent  _thank you_. Maybe he was better at expressing his feelings physically too.   
  
Sebastian held him, wrapped completely around Kurt’s body as if he were a pillow, his forehead pressed against Kurt’s shoulder and thumb drawing circles on the inside of his wrist. Kurt could hear the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen, the distant buzz of New York City outside the window and the slow, steady sounds of both their breaths. He rested his cheek on top of Sebastian’s head and closed his eyes, feeling at peace with everything – like nothing, not even a decade worth of memory loss could ruin the moment.

-

 There was a lot to be said about waking up next to someone. Kurt had always found the concept romantic; blinking your eyes open in the morning to see the peaceful, sleeping face of your lover before anything else – the perfect start to the day.   
  
Just like most of his romantic fantasies though, this idea had been more appealing in theory than actuality. Waking up to Finn’s face for the first time had been a sore disappointment – his mouth had been hanging open, a spot of drool dripping from the corner and Kurt had found himself questioning what it was that he saw in this boy. Waking up next to Blaine in his bed after Rachel’s party had only brought a wave of sadness and he’d decided that waking up alone was the only option for him. Private, peaceful and with no one to break any expectations he had of them.  
  
It wasn’t until Kurt had started dating Blaine that he regained faith in the romance of it all. He remembered waking up the night after they’d had sex for the first time to find Blaine’s face inches from his, eyelashes fanned out across his skin and lips parted just the slightest bit as he slept. Kurt had felt warm all over at the sight, found himself thinking  _so this is what it’s like_.  
  
Kurt knew that Blaine was far from the only boy he’d woken up with. He’d heard Sebastian and Rachel talk about some of the boy’s he’d fooled around with when he’d moved to New York and Kurt was willing to bet he’d had at least a handful of awkward morning after encounters even if a small part of his brain told him he was probably overestimating. It didn’t matter though because none of those encounters had a place in Kurt’s memory.   
  
So when Kurt opened his eyes to see Sebastian next to him, his first thought was  _this is kind of romantic_.  
  
Except that it wasn’t – not really.   
  
For one thing, Sebastian wasn’t even directly next to Kurt. He was on the floor, sprawled across the blankets while Kurt laid stomach first on the couch above him. The sight was a lot less romantic and a lot more hilarious from this point of view. Kurt had to stifle a laugh at the way Sebastian had a cushion covering his face to block out the light streaming in from the windows.   
  
After a few seconds of staring at him, Kurt started to feel creepy. So he kicked the blanket free of his feet and stood up, moving to let down the blinds before he walked back to Sebastian and plucked the cushion from his face. “You’ll suffocate yourself in your sleep,” he said, rolling his eyes. Sebastian snuffled, turned on his side and proceeded to bury his face further into his pillow, looking just the slightest bit annoyed.   
  
He didn’t stir while Kurt made breakfast which Kurt found somewhat wounding to his pride. On more than one occasion he’d been assured that his French toast smelled good enough to wake the dead but apparently, Sebastian didn’t share the sentiment.   
  
Breakfast in bed was a luxury Kurt loved though the only times he was afforded it was when he was sleeping over at Blaine’s or when his dad brought some toast and coffee on the days he slept in – not exactly the most fashionable breakfast, but it was the thought that counted. When Kurt was the one serving, he went all out. His mother had been the one to teach him that the quality of food wasn’t just in the taste, presentation could make the world of a difference. The difference between regular, boring pancakes or pancakes with syrupy smiley faces.   
  
Kurt liked waking people up with a carefully decorated tray, liked seeing their faces light up whether it was his dad or Blaine or Rachel and Mercedes when they had one of their sleepovers. It was a simple gesture of appreciation for his friends and family so he didn’t think too much when he set up a similar tray for Sebastian; Orange spice French toast with powdered sugar on top, scrambled eggs, whole wheat bread, butter, jam a bowl of mixed fruit and two cups of steaming hot coffee.   
  
He set the tray on the coffee table not far from where Sebastian was sleeping before he knelt down next to him and rapped him lightly on the forehead with his knuckles. “Sebastian, hey – Sebastian. Wake up.”

Sebastian grumbled, no longer springing to attention at the slightest touch like he had when Kurt reached for him scared and shaking from his dreams the night before last.   
  
“Go away,” he mumbled.  
  
“Sebastian -”  
  
“It’s Sunday, let me  _sleep_.”  
  
“It’s Tuesday.” Kurt corrected with a frown. “And I’m the one with amnesia here,” he added under his breath as he pushed at Sebastian’s shoulder again. “Come on, wake up.”  
  
Sebastian turned on to his back, looking severely pissed. The irritation faded a little when he opened his eyes and saw Kurt, his face softening into a smile. “Oh, it’s you.”  
  
“Of course it’s me,” Kurt said with a roll of his eyes. He liked how easy the conversation felt, like it was one they had all the time. Maybe it was.   
  
“Mm,” Sebastian hummed, reaching up to touch Kurt’s face before he could move away. “Good morning.”   
  
Kurt gently pulled Sebastian’s hand away and said, “Good morning to you too. I’ve got breakfast.”   
  
“Not yet,” Sebastian said, grabbing Kurt’s wrist when he started to lean back towards the coffee table. “C’mere.”  
  
Sebastian's eyes were still sleep heavy, not quite open yet and his smile was lazy enough for Kurt to conclude that he was still in the process of waking up. That would explain why he didn’t think twice before pulling Kurt down on to his chest and trapping him there with an arm around his back. Kurt’s protest was muffled in the cotton of Sebastian’s shirt partly because the move had taken him by surprise and partly because he was hit by the strong, familiar scent of body wash and clean sweat that made his body go lax.   
  
It was like smelling the lingering hints of his mother’s perfume on her old dresser. There was a certain  _rightness_  about it that made him press in closer, search out the scent to where it was stronger, just in the dip of Sebastian’s collarbone. He was tempted to stay there, after all it wasn’t like he hadn’t let Sebastian hold him close to his chest last night while they watched some Oscar nominated thriller.   
  
But Kurt had felt in control last night, at least more in control than he felt right now. If he didn’t pull away, he was certain he’d end up doing something stupid. Not stupid exactly, that wasn’t the right word.  _Impulsive_.   
  
“Naw, baby come back...” Sebastian protested when Kurt pulled free of his grip but he trailed off when he opened his eyes again and saw the expression on Kurt’s face. He seemed to wake up properly then, realization hitting him all of a sudden. “Shit, I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Kurt said with a wave of his hand.   
  
“I forgot -” Sebastian broke off and closed his eyes, all hints of relaxation slipping from his face replaced by a painful kind of sadness. “It’s just that we do that a lot.”   
  
“I’m sorry, what?”   
  
Sebastian kept his eyes closed as if looking at Kurt was too painful. “We bring breakfast to each other in bed on weekends and laze around until it gets cold.” His voice was dripping with nostalgia. “I’m sorry,” he finally looked at Kurt again, his eyes genuinely apologetic. “It was easy to forget that things aren’t the same.”   
  
Kurt felt the overwhelming urge to punch something. For the look on Sebastian’s face, for the longing in his own heart. Instead, he forced a smile and leaned back to grab the tray. “Well they’re not much different if we’ve still got the breakfast in bed part down, right?”   
  
Sebastian sat up, smiling slowly when he saw the food spread out on the tray. “Fancy.”   
  
“ _And_  it’s still warm,” Kurt said with a grin.


	11. Chapter 11

Kurt spent most of his Tuesday gathering information on his bank accounts and ATM codes, configuring his phone settings and retrieving as many passwords as he could based on Sebastian’s knowledge and his own guesswork. By evening, he was sick of looking at papers and computer screens all day but Sebastian refused to change out of his pajamas to go out. He was hell bent on turning his Tuesday into the perfect lazy Sunday so instead, they ended up taking mugs of coffee onto the roof to watch the sunset. Kurt kept thinking about the last time he had been there, about Blaine, about the kiss. Sebastian was apparently thinking along the same lines because he was silent, staring out over the buildings at the sinking sun with a thoughtful expression on his face.  
  
For a long time, neither of them spoke but when the sun finally dipped below the horizon and the city started to glow to life in the darkness, Kurt let out a long sigh and said, “New York City.”   
  
“How observant of you,” Sebastian said with a grin.   
  
Kurt ignored him and closed his eyes against a cool breeze that had undoubtedly messed his hair up as it passed. He couldn’t bring himself to care. “I still have a hard time believing I’m actually here,” he said. “In this city, in this apartment -”  
  
“- stuck with me.” When Kurt turned to look at him, Sebastian’s grin was teasing.  
  
“Stuck with you, yes.” he said with a small smile of his own.   
  
“Could be much worse, you know.”   
  
“Could be,” Kurt agreed quietly as Sebastian reached out to take his hand.  
  
They stayed on the roof until their stomachs started to protest but once they got back to the apartment, neither of them was in the mood to cook anything. “I’m not going out,” Sebastian said, flopping onto the couch. “Order something.”  
  
While they waited for their food to arrive, Kurt played around with their entertainment system. He hadn’t really paid it any attention since he’d moved in, occasionally catching snippets of football and CNN headlines while Burt or Sebastian watched, never feeling inclined to look at it himself. They didn’t have any DVDs, he knew that much. Their library was all digitalized, the home page divided into folders – Live TV, Recorded Shows, Movies and Music. Kurt was about to open the movies folder when a thought struck him all of a sudden and he almost dropped the remote in excitement.   
  
“Oh my god,” he said, a grin slowly spreading across his face.   
  
“What?”  
  
“I just realized that we probably have all of the unaired Grey’s Anatomy episodes. Except, they’re not unaired anymore because I’m in the future and  _shit_.” He didn’t even care how crazy he sounded or that Sebastian had burst out laughing next to him because  _finally_ , something good about skipping forward ten years in his life. At least he’d know if Meredith and Derek had their happy ending or not.   
  
Ignoring how Sebastian’s shoulders were still shaking with laughter, he opened the recorded shows folder and held himself back from squealing when he saw a file labelled ‘Grey’s Anatomy – The Complete Seasons’. Before Kurt could open it, Sebastian had pried the remote away from his hand and navigated back to the home screen.   
  
“Hey!” Kurt protested.   
  
“We are watching a  _movie_ ,” he said firmly. “You have all the time in the world to catch up on that stupid show. I’m not sitting through another marathon. God knows I’ve had enough in the past.” He opened up the movies main page filled with further sub folders;  _Sebastian’s picks, Kurt’s picks, Mutually Agreed Upon’s, Genre Divisions, To-Watch, Private_  and turned to Kurt again. “So. It’s your turn to choose tonight. You want to base your choice on genre or trust the taste of your past self?”   
  
“Why do I get the feeling you’re enjoying this way more than you should?” Kurt asked, taking the remote from Sebastian’s hand again. His taste in movies was impeccable so Kurt was certain that picking something at random from his folder would be a safe enough option but before he did that, his curiosity had him scrolling past everything on to the very last folder labelled as ‘Private’.

Two icons appeared up when he opened it, one a sub folder titled ‘Wedding’ and the other a small padlock. When Kurt tried to open it, a request to enter a password popped up in large, bold letters.   
  
“Why is this locked?” Kurt asked, turning to Sebastian for answers but he only found the other boy grinning.   
  
“Let’s leave that one for now shall we?”   
  
“Why?” Kurt pressed, his interest piqued.   
  
“Trust me.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Kurt.”  
  
“What’s in the file?”  
  
“You don’t want to know.”   
  
“I do.”   
  
“No, you really don’t,” Sebastian insisted. “Not right now.”   
  
Something in his eyes convinced Kurt that he was right. His curiosity was far from extinguished but there was an underlying feeling of hesitancy that came from the warning in Sebastian’s tone. Up until now, he hadn’t really held back on answering any of Kurt’s questions, had gone as far as talking openly about their sex life. If Sebastian thought that file was something Kurt wasn’t ready for yet, Kurt was going to go ahead and trust him.   
  
“Fine,” he said, jaw tightening as he clicked back to the movies page. “But I’m going to come back to that.”   
  
The first movie they watched was a mindless comedy, the kind that had no plot, no purpose but kept your stomach in stitches from laughing too hard. The second was the 2014 movie adaptation of  _Wicked_  which, as Sebastian had predicted, Kurt ended up disliking. It was fun pointing out everything that was wrong with it though, especially since Sebastian seemed well rehearsed in the complaints and said exactly what Kurt was thinking (probably reciting from past experiences).   
  
The criticism continued long after the movie was over – Kurt kept thinking of new things to add as they threw away the empty noodle containers, as they brushed their teeth, as they stripped away the extra comforter and settled into bed. It was only after he finished saying, “It doesn’t do the original production  _any_  justice,” with a huff of breath that he realized how silent Sebastian had gone next to him.   
  
Kurt turned his head to ask him what was wrong but he lost his train of thought halfway through. Sebastian was staring at him with a strange look in his eyes, a cross between hopeful and amused and the realization of where they were and how they’d got there without Kurt realizing hit him all too suddenly.   
  
“You’re in my bed,” he blurted out.   
  
“Yeah, I was wondering when you’d notice that.” Sebastian said with a tentative grin.  
  
“How did I not notice you crawling into my bed?”   
  
“ _Our_ bed,” Sebastian corrected. “And probably because you seemed a little preoccupied with  _Wicked_  to notice.”   
  
“And you decided to take advantage of that?” Kurt asked, arching an eyebrow.   
  
Sebastian offered him a grin in reply before adding, “I’d say I’m sorry but I couldn’t help myself - especially after how you didn’t bat an eye when I started brushing my teeth next to you in the bathroom. I figured you were going to stop rambling and say goodnight at the door but it was like you were in some kind of trance. You just kept on talking and talking and then you were climbing into bed and nodding towards me to switch off the lights and I wanted to see how far you were going to go before it hit you.”  
  
“Well its hit me now,” Kurt said, not quite believing how he’d ignored it in the first place.  
  
“And it’s time for me to leave.” It wasn’t a question so Kurt didn’t give an answer. Sebastian shifted closer to Kurt, the light peeking in through the blinds casting shadows on his face. “Can I say goodnight before I leave?” he asked, cupping Kurt’s cheek and brushing his thumb along the short hairs near his temple.

“Goodnight,” Kurt said, his voice trembling just the slightest but Sebastian didn’t pull away.   
  
“You know it could be another sign,” he said in a soft voice.   
  
“Hmm?” Kurt hummed, his eyes starting to feel heavy as Sebastian’s thumb circled Kurt’s temple in another soothing motion.   
  
“The fact that you didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary when I moved to lie down next to you,” Sebastian said with a smile. “Maybe it wasn’t just because you were busy thinking about a stupid movie, maybe it was because your mind didn’t see anything weird about us going to bed together.”   
  
Kurt had been thinking the same thing but all he said was, “Yeah. Maybe.”   
  
Sensing that Kurt wasn’t in the mood to press the subject, Sebastian ducked down to kiss his forehead quickly before he slipped out of bed, leaving with only a quiet, “Goodnight, baby.”   
  
Kurt had barely closed his eyes when he felt the bed dip again. The room was much darker than it had been a moment ago but Kurt didn’t need light to make out the familiar shape of Sebastian’s body moving towards him. He was about to say,  _oh, you’re back_  but Sebastian was reaching out to pull him closer to his chest, his breath warm against Kurt’s face and Kurt thought,  _of course he is_.   
  
Warm lips touched his just as a pair of arms encircled his waist and Kurt melted into the touch, moving closer until he could feel the heat of Sebastian’s body pressed along the length of his. Seconds turned into minutes which could have turned into hours, Kurt’s jaw never tired of moving in slow sync with Sebastian’s. The brush of a soft, wet tongue against his own never became too much, the hand rubbing up and down his spine in long, even strokes never stopped every nerve in his body from tingling. He stayed there, his hands in Sebastian’s hair, leg thrown over his hip as they kissed in the darkness of the room feeling lazy and content.  
  
“I love you, Kurt.” Sebastian whispered, moving his lips to kiss along Kurt’s jaw, the column of his throat, the base of his collarbone.   
  
Kurt opened his mouth to reply but he couldn’t bring himself to form words. He tried and failed to make a sound, any sound but nothing came out except a broken gasp.   
  
“You’re not going to say it back?” Sebastian asked, moving to hover over Kurt’s body with a frown.   
  
 _I can’t_.  
  
“Why not?” Sebastian asked, tilting his head and regarding Kurt with a frustrated expression.   
  
There was a reason. Kurt couldn’t remember the reason. Something about an accident but how was he supposed to explain it to Sebastian?   
  
“Why not, Kurt?” Sebastian asked again, his voice lower and more dangerous than before. His face twisted with rage, eyes blazing even in the darkness. Kurt didn’t realize Sebastian was pressing down on his stomach with his elbow until the sharp pain hit him like a bullet and his eyes flew open.   
  
He was out of his bed and rushing towards the bathroom before the scene had faded from the back of his eyelids. His dinner came up in long, burning heaves that left his eyes watering and his whole body shaking. When he was finished, Kurt slumped against the shower stall, accepting the glass of water that appeared in front of him. It took a few moments for him to register he was no longer leaning against frosted glass of the stall but in Sebastian’s arms. The second he became aware of this, he ripped himself away from Sebastian, getting to his feet and backing up.   
  
“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked, looking hurt by Kurt’s reaction.  
  
“I -” Kurt cleared his throat, taking deep gulps of air.  
  
“It must have been the shrimp,” Sebastian said. “I thought it tasted a little funny. You shouldn’t have had so much.”   
  
“Yeah,” Kurt said, splashing water on his face. He could feel the panic lingering from his dream seep out through him with every cold droplet against his skin. Once he felt calm enough, he reopened his eyes and looked at Sebastian’s reflection in the mirror. He was staring at Kurt with a worried expression.   
  
“Do you want me to get you anything?” he asked.  
  
“My prescription pills are on the kitchen counter, can you grab those?” Kurt asked in a steady voice.

Sebastian nodded and disappeared, leaving Kurt to turn his gaze towards his own pale reflection. “Just a dream,” he whispered. “Just a stupid dream.”   
  
The shrimp  _had_  tasted a little funny, now that Kurt thought about it. That was a perfectly logical explanation as to why his dream had become so distorted towards the end. It had happened a few times over the years whenever he’d had a bad dinner or contracted a nasty case of food poisoning. In his dreams, he’d be doing something completely unrelated but the sickening feeling in his stomach would distract him and all of a sudden the Broadway stage he’d be on would start to shake or the car he would be in would pick up speed until his stomach churned and he woke up rushing to the bathroom to puke.   
  
The realization made him feel stronger on his feet, feel like he was more firmly rooted in reality.   
  
“Do you want me to stay with you?” Sebastian asked later when Kurt headed back to bed.   
  
“I’m fine,” Kurt said.   
  
“You sure?”   
  
“Whatever it was probably came up back there, I’m okay.” Kurt said with a nod.   
  
“Why’d you need the relaxants then?” Sebastian asked, looking doubtful.  
  
Kurt didn’t know whether to be annoyed or touched by the careful observation. “Headache,” he said.   
  
“You want another massage?”   
  
Kurt smiled at that, “I’m good, thanks.”   
  
“Don’t be modest, I’ve been told I can work magic with my hands.” Sebastian said with a grin, though Kurt could see he still looked worried.  
  
“I’m the one who needs to be modest?”  
  
“Come on, you can pay me back later with breakfast in bed again.” His voice was laced with a note of pleading despite how he hid it well behind his cocky grin and easy posture.   
  
“The second I’m asleep, you’re out.” Kurt said with a sigh as he pushed through the door into the bedroom. “And don’t get your hopes up for breakfast, it was your laziness that prompted the Chinese tonight and consequently why I’m sick. If anyone is making breakfast, it’s you.”   
  
Sebastian scoffed, “My fault? It wasn’t like you were insisting on cooking anything. The most we would have done was go out and eat Chinese instead of ordering it. Don’t put this on me.”   
  
“It’s still on you.” Kurt said stubbornly, moving under the covers again. Sebastian lowered himself down next to him, smiling but he didn’t say anything as he reached for Kurt’s face. His fingers were warm against Kurt’s cool skin and it took only a few seconds for Kurt to feel the ache in his head recede.  
  
His stomach was growling with hunger when he woke in the morning but before he could even consider what he wanted for breakfast, Sebastian appeared in the doorway bearing a fully laden tray. Kurt sat up as Sebastian set the tray on his lap and surveyed the contents with an amused gaze.   
  
Among the bread and jam and juice was a plate of pancakes winking at him with a lopsided, syrupy smiley.

-

The rest of the week passed in a sluggish blur; Kurt spent his time either catching up with movies, Grey’s Anatomy episodes or piecing together more information about his past. He followed Dr. Hendricks advice and stuck to specific timeframes, focusing as hard as he could on major events but no matter how many pictures and video clips he watched or how detailed a description Sebastian gave him about where they were or what they were doing, his memory remained stubbornly locked.  
  
There were moments when Kurt was tempted to give up but as Sebastian kept pointing out, even if he didn’t remember everything completely, at least he knew it had happened. That was better than being completely clueless right?   
  
“Think of everything as a huge party that you’re too drunk to remember,” he said. “And I’m you designated driver who’s piecing everything together for you.”   
  
“Funny,” Kurt said with a grin. “That you should be the designated driver. If I remember correctly, that’s my job.”   
  
“We like switching things up,” Sebastian countered with a wink, nudging Kurt’s shoulder when he rolled his eyes.   
  
Sebastian was right though. By the time Saturday rolled around, even though Kurt was no better off on the road to magically remembering everything, the thick fog in his brain had started to clear a little. He still got headaches when he pressured himself too much to remember things but the relaxants Dr. Hendricks had given him helped; they had rid him of the nightmares at least.   
  
They were having breakfast, a part of the day which was fast becoming Kurt’s favorite, when he said, “I’m going to go out after this.”   
  
“Hmm?” Sebastian hummed, still half asleep as he sipped his coffee.   
  
“I’m going out,” Kurt repeated patiently. “There are a few things I want to do.” That wasn’t entirely true, Kurt had no idea what he was going to do but he wanted to get out and explore the city on the own. The times he’d wandered around aimlessly with Sebastian and Rachel had been fun, but he felt like a more personal date with New York was due. She had been sorely neglected in the wake of his accident. “You can tag along if you want,” he said, smiling at how it made Sebastian sound like some sort of faithful puppy.   
  
Of course, the offer was only another formality because Kurt was well aware of how Sebastian had to get started on reading case files so he would be up to date with everything when he went back to work on Monday. Wasting a day frolicking in the city was the least of his priorities at the moment.   
  
As predicted, Sebastian groaned and dropped his head to the kitchen counter, though that could also have been because he wasn’t awake enough to be having a conversation that required him to do anything more than grunt. They’d stayed up until three a.m. watching more movies last night – by now, Kurt had managed to get through at least a quarter of their favorite picks – but an unfortunate incident with a mug slipping from Kurt’s hand and shattering on the floor at eight thirty in the morning had wrecked Sebastian’s plans to sleep in.   
  
“Is that a yes, a no or a  _god, shut up_?” Kurt asked with an amused smile as he sipped his apple juice.   
  
“It’s a  _fuck why do we have to work_ ,” Sebastian said, lifting his head. “I want to come with you but I can’t. Jon is going to come over around noon to brief me on a couple of things and there’s probably no way I can reschedule.”   
  
“That’s fine,” Kurt said, trying to hide the relief he felt.   
  
“You going to be okay on your own?” Sebastian asked and though his concern was genuine, Kurt couldn’t stop his voice from sounding a haughty and defensive when he replied.   
  
“I think I can handle the big, bad city without a babysitter, Sebastian.”   
  
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Sebastian said with none of his usual playfulness. He sounded a rather lot like a whining baby.   
  
Kurt loosened up and managed a small smiled. “I know.”

“So where are you headed?” Sebastian asked, taking a long sip of his coffee.   
  
“To meet my dad, mostly.” It wasn’t a complete lie, Kurt  _had_  been planning on visiting his father but he still hoped Sebastian wouldn’t push for details. He didn’t. “I’ll be back by lunch,” he continued, turning back to his half finished bowl of cereal. “If not, I’ll text you to let you know.”   
  
Sebastian nodded, draining the remainder of his coffee and getting to his feet. “I’m going to go squeeze in some more sleep before Jon gets here.”   
  
“After having two cups of strongly caffeinated coffee?”   
  
“It’s worth a shot,” Sebastian said with a shrug.   
  
Kurt was too preoccupied with finishing his breakfast and planning what he was going to wear that he didn’t notice how Sebastian was still standing next to him, staring quietly. “That’s – kind of creepy,” Kurt said when he finally caught him in the act.   
  
Sebastian grinned, stepping forward so he was inches away from where Kurt was sitting on his stool. “We’ve done creepier stuff in the past.”   
  
“I’m not sure I want to know what you mean by that.”   
  
“We’ll save it for when you’re ready then,” Sebastian said, cupping Kurt’s face. A crease appeared between his eyebrows as he stroked his thumb along Kurt’s cheek. “Promise you’ll come home to me?”   
  
The fear in his voice was so heavy it surprised Kurt. It was as if Sebastian was afraid Kurt would go and get himself into another accident. Which, Kurt realized, was exactly what Sebastian was worried about.   
  
“What did I tell you about being able to take care of myself?” Kurt said, trying to prompt a grin but Sebastian didn’t take the bait.  
  
“I’m not worried about you. I’m more concerned about those jackasses who don’t think twice before smashing into someone else’s car.”   
  
“I don’t think they do that on purpose.”   
  
“Still,” Sebastian said, thumb rubbing insistently at a spot on Kurt’s cheek. “I’m allowed to be scared. You think you’re the only one having flashbacks?”   
  
Kurt hadn’t thought about of that. They’d been sleeping in separate rooms after their first movie night. Kurt was out like a light the second his head hit the pillows thanks to the relaxants so the thought that Sebastian was waking up worrying about him in the next room never crossed his mind.   
  
Actually, now that he thought of it – there had been a moment a couple of nights ago when he’d heard the creak of a door opening and the ghost of fingertips against his skin but he’d been too heavy with sleep and drugs to think anything of it and chalked it up to some sort of dream.   
  
Now that Sebastian had admitted to flashing back to Kurt’s accident – or probably getting the news of Kurt’s accident, in his case – he was certain that it had been Sebastian checking to make sure Kurt was still with him.   
  
He wasn’t sure of how to respond to this piece of information so he continued to try and turn the conversation on to a lighter note. “Maybe I should start sharing those relaxants with you,” he said with a grin.   
  
Sebastian finally smiled and dropped his hand. “Maybe then I’ll be able to sleep through all the noise you make in the mornings.”  
  
“Hey, it was one time.” Kurt said, the corners of his mouth turning down as Sebastian laughed.  
  
“Just come back, okay?” Sebastian said in a softer tone.   
  
Kurt nodded. “I will.”

There was so much to do in New York but Kurt found the little things more thrilling than anything else. He withdrew cash from the ATM, bought himself a cup of coffee and went from store to store doing nothing but scanning the racks of coats and jeans with the knowledge that if he wanted, he could buy any of them. It was different from the last time he’d been in New York during his Nationals trip. Then, he’d been careful about every penny he spent, knowing that he couldn’t afford to splurge on unnecessary accessories with college looming over his head.  
  
Even now, he wasn’t stupid enough to spend money just for the sake of spending it but when he came across a [cute vintage Bakelite collar pin](http://img0.etsystatic.com/il_fullxfull.308955376.jpg), he couldn’t resist buying it. He’d only just made this decision when someone calling his name caught his attention.   
  
The store he was in – what was the name, again? Palladium - was mostly empty so he found the source easily. A tall man, in about his mid thirties with cropped hair and a silver earring shining in his left ear was making his way towards Kurt. He was an employee at the store, going by his uniform and when he was close enough, Kurt made out the name  _Paulo_  on his badge.   
  
“Ah, Kurt,” he said in a slightly accented voice. “Good to see you again.”   
  
“Hi, Paulo” Kurt said, proud of how casual he sounded when in reality, he was wracking his brain hard for the slightest hint of who this man was.   
  
“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to contact you for weeks!” Paulo said with a shake of his head.   
  
“Oh, my uh – my phone broke.” Kurt lied.   
  
“Well, I’ll be damned. Your order’s been here since the Thursday before last. I thought you’d forgotten about it.”   
  
 _I have_ , Kurt thought but he said, “I’m sorry. Things have been a bit busy.”   
  
Paulo motioned for him to follow as he led the way to the long counters next to the display of collar pins Kurt had been looking at. “How’s that husband of yours?” he asked as he shuffled through some boxes on the other side of the counter.   
  
“He’s great,” Kurt said, not sure why he was playing along instead of coming out straight and telling Paulo the real reason he hadn’t been around for weeks and how he had no clue what order they were talking about. It was too easy to pretend nothing was out of the ordinary.  
  
Paulo turned around with a small, square box in his hands and Kurt leaned forward, watching expectantly as Paulo raised the lid. The inside was lined with grey silk, rising and falling in soft folds like waves around [a thin, black bracelet. ](http://swimmingtrunksformen.net/wp-content/uploads/Leather-Bracelets-For-Men.jpg)  
  
Kurt lifted it out of box, marvelling at how light it felt in his hands. The leather was woven together to meet in a steel metal clasp. Opposite the clasp were two small silver links framing a strip of smoother leather.  
  
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Paulo asked with a smile, watching Kurt run his fingers over the rope like pattern.  
  
“Yeah,” Kurt breathed, unclasping it to try it on. It didn’t fit though, the band was on the side of uncomfortably loose. “Um, I think there’s a problem with the size.” Kurt said with a frown but when he looked up at Paulo, he found the other man giving him an amused smile.   
  
“That’s because it’s not tailored to your hand,” he said as if he found the whole thing hilarious.   
  
“Why not?” Kurt asked, feeling like he was missing out on something.   
  
“Because it’s for Sebastian...?” Paulo looked suspicious now and Kurt felt like giving himself a mental slap for not realizing it sooner.   
  
“Right, of course.” he said quickly, slipping the band off and fixing the clasp again. “I ordered this for Sebastian because -”  
  
“You wanted to surprise him with something special for you anniversary,” Paulo finished with a nod. “I wish my girlfriend was as romantic. I doubt she even remembers when our anniversary is.”   
  
Kurt thought of telling him that he didn’t remember his anniversary either but all he did was ask, “So I’m guessing Sebastian doesn’t know about this?”

Paulo seemed to think he was questioning whether or not  _he_  had been responsible for giving anything away because he shook his head. “Oh absolutely not. My lips have been sealed. He came in a few days after you had placed your order to -” he stopped, his smile turning guilty.   
  
“To -?” Kurt prompted.   
  
Paulo shook his head, still smiling. “Nothing.”  
  
Kurt didn’t believe for a second it was nothing but he let it go and dropped his gaze to the bracelet in his hand. He was about to put it back in its case when a flash of silver caught his eye. Curious, Kurt lifted it up to examine the embossed words behind the strap of plain leather.   
  
 _Discord and Rhythm_  
  
He didn’t get a chance to dwell on what it meant or decide whether it would be too suspicious to ask Paulo if he knew because Paulo had started talking again. “I trust I don’t have to explain how to take care of leather?”   
  
Kurt replaced the bracelet in the box and let Paulo adjust the silk around it. “Don’t wear it in the shower?” he said.   
  
Paulo laughed, “Basically, yes. Should I wrap this up for you?”   
  
“No, it’s okay.” Kurt said.   
  
“It’s a gift, isn’t it?” Paulo said. “No extra charge.”   
  
“Okay, I guess.”  
  
Paulo disappeared with a curt nod and a, “Be right back.”  
  
Kurt remained standing at the counter, staring at a point far off in the distance, repeating the words over and over in his mind.   
  
 _Discord and Rhythm, Discord and Rhythm_  - he knew of Discord and  _rhyme_  from a Duran Duran song but it still made no sense.   
  
Fifteen minutes later he walked out of the shop with the small box safely in his coat pocket next to the bowtie pin collar he’d chosen for himself.   
  
The first thing he did was text Sebastian to let him know he wasn’t going to be home from lunch, no point in having him worry. Sebastian replied in a split second with a simple sad emoticon.   
  
Next, Kurt called his dad and asked him if he would be able to delay their meeting until evening and cover for him if Sebastian asked where he was. It took a certain amount of convincing and promising that he would explain everything to get Burt to agree.   
  
Finally, Kurt scrolled through his contacts, his thumb stopping to hover over the name of the one person he was certain would have answers to what he wanted to know.   
  
 _Blaine Anderson_


	12. Chapter 12

Blaine's nervousness was so palpable, he had barely taken a seat at the diner opposite Kurt when Kurt snapped, "Stop it.  
  
“Stop what?” Blaine asked, looking half alarmed.  
  
“Stop being so nervous,” Kurt said, linking his fingers together and resting them on the table in front of him. “There’s nothing to be nervous about, you’re only making me uncomfortable.”  
  
“Sorry,” Blaine said sheepishly. “We haven’t spoken in a while and given how things ended between us last time, it’s just a little weird.”  
  
Kurt had known the kiss would come up sooner or later. Better sooner than later, then. “Look,” he started, staring at his hands. “That kiss was something I needed more than anything at that moment and you gave it to me." “I shouldn’t have.”  
  
“But you did.” Kurt said, eyes flickering up to see Blaine staring out the window.  
  
“It was a mistake.”  
  
“No it wasn’t,” Kurt said with more force this time. “It was wrong, but it wasn’t a mistake. If you hadn’t kissed me, I wouldn’t have been able to move on.”  
  
“So you’ve moved on?” The question was quiet, but Blaine’s eyes were intent on his face now as he waited for an answer.  
  
Kurt took a moment to consider the question, raking his eyes over the familiar lines of Blaine’s face. The urge to yes and leave everything at that was strong but he couldn’t lie, not if he wanted his relationship with Blaine to continue being as open and honest as it had been before. So he settled for, “I’m trying.”  
  
Blaine’s mouth twisted a little. Kurt could see the disappointment in the lines of his face and that made him angry.  
  
“You know, if you wanted to act like this you shouldn’t have come at all, Blaine.”  
  
“It’s just, Sebastian already hates me as it is, I don’t want to risk -”  
  
“You’re not  _risking_ anything but spending some time with me in a completely public place with a greasy table in between us.” Kurt snapped. “I think you can trust me enough to not jump at you throughout lunch.”  
  
Blaine look startled, as if he hadn’t been aware his reaction had been offensive. “I’m sorry, Kurt.” He said quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”  
  
Kurt exhaled through his nose and gave a small nod of acknowledgment. “Like I said, I’m trying. These things don’t fix themselves in a day. I loved you Blaine,” Blaine shifted uncomfortably just as Kurt added, “But when I said that kiss was for closure, I meant it.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Blaine said again.  
  
Kurt stared at him for a second. “I need my best friend right now,” he said. “But I can’t act naturally around him if he’s going to read into every little sign of affection.”  
  
Blaine nodded and then shook his head, an odd sort of bobble which gave him an overall comical effect. “No, no. You’re right. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Stop apologizing.” Blaine snapped his mouth shut immediately and looked at Kurt with a rapt expression for a second before his shoulders relaxed and his lips quirked into a grin.  
  
“Hey, Kurt.” He said in a pointedly cheerful voice. “Haven’t seen you in forever.”  
  
Kurt gave him a grateful smile and said, “Thank you.”  
  
They ordered their food while Kurt caught Blaine up on everything that had happened since they’d last seen each other. Blaine had got updates from Rachel but he didn’t know about Kurt’s flashback or his appointment with Doctor Hendricks or the nightmares. Blaine didn’t interrupt him much and when Kurt was finished talking, he asked, “What about you and Sebastian?”  
  
“Things are definitely a lot better than they were before,” Kurt said, stirring the straw around in his glass of lemonade. “I mean, I guess part of it is because of everything the flashbacks make me feel but other than that, it got a lot easier to be around him once I stopped looking at him as Sebastian Smythe, the devil’s spawn sent to ruin my life and started looking at him as the guy I had for some strong unknown reason, decided to marry.”  
  
Blaine smiled, “I wouldn’t let go of the devil’s spawn theory just yet. You should see him on his bad days.” Kurt raised an eyebrow as Blaine popped his last French fry into his mouth and reached for a napkin, “I’m messing with you. I’m glad you guys are working things out. So – what’s this about? You said you needed my help with something but you sound okay to me.”  
  
“Oh, right.” Kurt said, remembering the reason he’d called Blaine in the first place. “I have something to show you.”  
  
He regarded the greasy tabletop for a second before laying a napkin down on it and reaching for box in his pocket. He placed it on top of the napkin and carefully took the bracelet out for Blaine to see. Recognition sparked in Blaine’s eyes, quickly turning into excitement and he automatically reached a hand of for the bracelet but Kurt pulled it away.  
  
“Not after that burger, no.” he said. “You have wash your hands first.”  
  
“Kurt, come on. At least let me see.” Blaine protested.  
  
Kurt held the bracelet out for Blaine to inspect, “I’m guessing you know what this is, then?”  
  
Blaine looked at Kurt and nodded, “Yeah of course. You went on about it for ages before placing an order. I went through a million different designs with you before you settled on that. Wait, how’d you get it?” he looked up inquiringly at Kurt.  
  
Kurt told him about his chance encounter with Paulo and how he’d played along even though he had no clue what the man was going on about. “When is our anniversary, anyway?” he asked. “Mine and Sebastian’s, I mean.”  
  
He couldn’t help but feel slightly embarrassed that he didn’t even know the date they’d gotten married but Blaine didn’t ask him why he wasn’t aware of this piece of information, simply answered, “23rd August.”  
  
Kurt frowned. “It’s late June right now, isn’t it?” he looked around as if expecting a calendar to pop out at him. “It’s kind of early to be buying presents.”  
  
Blaine laughed, “That’s what I said to you but you told me to shut up.”  
  
Kurt looked at the bracelet in his hand. “What about this?” he asked, holding it out so Blaine could read the engraving. “Does that mean anything to you?”  
  
“Discord and Rhythm,” Blaine read. “Yeah it’s -” he sat back and paused, looking like he was trying to think of how to explain it. “It’s kind of your theme.”  
  
“Theme?” Kurt repeated, leaning in slightly. “As in theme song?”  
  
“No, no just the general theme of your relationship with Sebastian.”  
  
When Kurt continued to look confused, Blaine laid his palms flat on the tabletop and said, “You two had a bit of a rocky relationship. Wait, no. That’s an understatement. You had a  _very_ rocky relationship. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of misunderstanding, basically – a lot of discord between you two. But at the same time, your relationship had a steady rhythm to it like, a push and pull, give and take – whatever you want to call it. Most relationships do, but with you and Sebastian it was like the discord was what  _gave_ you that rhythm. You didn’t grow closer to each other by spilling out your secrets in candlelight or making really showy declarations of love and – well, there were one time,” he said with a grin, staring at Kurt like he knew a really juicy piece of gossip but wouldn’t share. “As far as I remember, the times you and Sebastian seemed to be the closest were when you had those fights. Obviously I don’t know details but from what you told me and what Sebastian told me – you’d end up shouting out things that made you most vulnerable and it all came together in bits and pieces until you realized that you two were far too gone to back out. Am I making any sense?”  
  
Kurt nodded slowly, eyes fixed on the bracelet. There were so many things running through his mind, not least of which was how intimately Blaine was acquainted with the two of them. What struck him most though, was how even now, after the accident – the moments he had first felt connected to Sebastian had been the night right after the kiss when they had ended up fighting and consequently talking things out.  
  
“My best man speech actually ended with  _here’s to more years of discord and rhythm_ ," Blaine said with a small laugh, recapturing Kurt’s attention. “Not exactly the wisest thing to say among people who actually thought I was cursing you or something but there you have it.”  
__  
  
When Kurt got home, Sebastian was sitting on the kitchen stool, tapping his pen against the side of jaw as he read through a piece of paper in his hand. He looked up when the front door closed behind Kurt, his face lighting up with a smile.  
  
“Look who made it back in one piece,” he said, setting his pen down.  
  
“Worried I wouldn’t?” Kurt said as he made his way towards him.  
  
“Naah,” Sebastian said even though the morning’s conversation had clearly said otherwise.  
  
“How’s Burt?”  
  
“He’s good,” Kurt said walking placing the small paper bag of toiletries he’d picked up for himself on the counter among the plethora of files and papers. “When did Jon leave?”  
  
“About an hour ago,” Sebastian said. Kurt nodded silently, looking around the kitchen at the evidence of their take away Thai lunch. “What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“Nothing.” Kurt said quickly. “Why would you ask that?”  
  
“You look like you have something on your mind.” Sebastian reached out as if to wrap an arm around Kurt’s waist but he pulled his hand back, settling for looking up at Kurt with a questioning expression. Kurt stepped forward of his own accord, Sebastian’s thighs parting to make room for him to stand between them. “What’s up?” Sebastian asked softly even though the surprise of Kurt’s sudden closeness was evident on his face.  
  
“Nothing,” Kurt said again. “I’m just thinking.”  
  
“Well share with the class,” Sebastian said and didn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around Kurt’s waist this time.  
  
“Do you ever get frustrated?” Kurt asked.  
  
“All the time,” Sebastian said with a small grin. “But depends on what kind of frustration we’re talking about here.”  
  
“With me,” Kurt said. “With how I don’t remember you or us or any of this,” he gestured around their apartment, Sebastian’s eyes following the movement of his hand.  
  
“What brought this on?” Sebastian asked when his gaze returned to Kurt’s face. “Last I saw you, you were determined to take the big bad city by storm all on your own.”  
  
“Just answer my question,” Kurt said.  
  
Sebastian sighed, looking like he would rather do anything other than answer truthfully but Kurt was staring at him pointedly so he didn’t exactly have a choice. “Yes,” he said with another sigh. “Yes I do get incredibly frustrated when I say something and you don’t remember your queues to tease back. It throws me off every time. I get frustrated when I reach for you in my sleep and you’re not there and when I want to kiss you but I can’t because you’re not ready and I’m not saying you should be, it’s just – I miss my Kurt sometimes.”  
  
Kurt’s face must have reflected the way his heart had sunk because Sebastian next words came out in a sudden rush. “No, no, no – Kurt, I didn’t mean – oh god, you’re my Kurt, of course you’re my Kurt! You’re just different, that’s all and that’s frustrating at times. I didn't mean it in any other way.”  
  
“I know,” Kurt said, reaching up to run a hand through Sebastian’s ruffled hair. “It’s okay.” Sebastian’s eyes slid shut and the tension drained from his shoulders as he relaxed.  
  
“Your turn,” Sebastian said when he opened his eyes again. “What the fuck brought this on?”  
  
“I ran into Blaine today,” Kurt said slowly, not meeting Sebastian’s eyes but following his fingers as they continued to thread through Sebastian’s hair. He didn’t want to lie but telling Sebastian why he had called Blaine would mean talking about the bracelet and he wanted to keep that a secret for now. “It was a chance encounter but we talked a bit and he said some things about us.”  
  
“What things?” Sebastian asked with an air of forced causality.  
  
Kurt dropped his gaze to Sebastian’s eyes, hand pausing in his hair. “Just – stuff I wish I remembered,” Kurt said quietly. “I mean, I’ve been trying to recall anything, even if it’s just fragments but for the first time I actually really, really want to remember all of it. It sounds – I don’t know to explain it but after everything Blaine said and these past two weeks with you I -” Sebastian’s expression softened, his smile turning sympathetic and arm tightening around Kurt’s waist. “I’m starting to get a little impatient,” Kurt continued. “This relationship is obviously a huge part of who I am and it’s really frustrating only having second hand information. I feel like I’m missing a really crucial part of myself and that everyone except me knows about it.”  
  
“That’s not completely true,” Sebastian teased, trying to coax a smile out of Kurt. “We still have moments no one knows about.”  
  
Kurt gave in and let his lips turn up into a smile. “I guess.”  
  
“And we’ll keep having those moments,” Sebastian stood up, Kurt’s hand falling away from his hair at the movement. For a second, he looked like he might bend down and kiss Kurt; his eyes flickered to Kurt’s lips and lingered there for longer than was casual but when he met Kurt’s gaze again, all he did was say, “Don’t let it get to you, Kurt.”  
  
“I’m not,” Kurt said.  
  
“No baby, you are.” Sebastian said, touching his fingers to Kurt's cheek. “Don’t.”  
  
He left to shower and shave after that leaving Kurt to slip into his bedroom and seek out a hiding place for his present. He ended up in the closet, flipping through jackets until he found one with plenty of pockets both inside and out. He placed the box carefully in one of the inner pockets before pushing the hanger further towards the back of the rack, effectively hiding it from view. He wasn’t worried that Sebastian would actively prowl around for presents, but he didn’t want to risk him finding it even by accident.  
  
By the time Sebastian came out of his shower, Kurt was finishing up with dinner. “Grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches,” he said when Sebastian stopped in his tracks and sniffed with interest. “There’s some leftover chicken parmigiana in the fridge if you want something else.”  
  
“No, this is completely fine,” Sebastian said, picking up a sandwich from the plate beside the stove. He took a large bite and proceeded to make a very inappropriate noise deep in his throat. His expression turned defensive when he caught Kurt staring at him with an arched eyebrow. “Stop judging me, asshole.” he said. “Jon eats like an animal, he hogged all the fucking food and work makes me hungry.”  
  
Kurt grinned, “Help yourself, but try and hold back on the pornographic moans. Any more and I might start to think you have some sort of weird food fetish.”  
  
“But I do,” Sebastian said taking a step forward. “Whipped cream, ice cream, chocolate syrup and strawberries...”  
  
Kurt refused to blush or look away from Sebastian’s teasing grin. He stared back, expression pointedly unamused until he couldn’t hold back his grin any longer and turned away, laughing. “You are not as funny as you think you are.”  
  
“Your face says otherwise,” Sebastian says taking another bite of his sandwich before giving him a wink and moving back to the island. “Fuck, man. I’ve still got to read up on this shit before Monday.”  
  
“You have all of tomorrow,” Kurt said, moving to get a soda from the fridge. “Give it a rest.”  
  
“Grab a beer for me, please.” Sebastian said, picking up the pen he’d been using previously and capping it. “And no, I can’t leave it for tomorrow because tomorrow I have plans.”  
  
“What plans?” Kurt asked, passing the bottle over to Sebastian and popping open his own can of Coke.  
  
“I want to take you on another date,” Sebastian said. “Once I start work again, things are going to be way too crazy and I want to spend one last day with you.”  
  
“You make it sound like you’re leaving forever,” Kurt said as he took a sip of his drink. “Is this date going to be a day long event?”  
  
“No,” Sebastian said. “My mom wants to meet up for brunch before and I thought I could take you – wherever I wanted to take you after that.”  
  
“Your mom,” Kurt said, straightening up. Sebastian nodded, stuffing the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth and stacking his files one on top of the other. “Your mom,” Kurt repeated. “You know, I was wondering when you’d mention your parents. Not that I’ve taken it to heart or anything but don’t they want to talk to their son in law after his near fatal accident?”  
  
“She did,” Sebastian said. “But I didn’t let her. I figured dealing with me was enough, you didn’t need your mother in law bugging you on top of that. Besides, Maman was in Paris sorting out some bumps in property investments when your accident happened and she only got back this Thursday.”  
  
“And your dad?”  
  
Sebastian paused, the file in his hand inches from the top of the pile. Kurt sensed he had hit a sore spot and immediately moved to backtrack but Sebastian seemed to pull himself together and said, “He uh – he died last year.”  
  
“I’m – I’m so sorry,” Kurt said. “Were you two close?”  
  
The way Sebastian looked at him, with a mixture of disappointment and sadness made Kurt feel like he’d said something wrong but he couldn’t figure out what it was. He’d only asked a simple question.  
  
“Yes,” Sebastian said after a moment. “Very close. He was my idol. You liked him too.”  
  
So that was what he’d done – not remembered the man who had meant so much to his husband. This was probably the kind of moment Sebastian had been referring to when he’d said he missed his Kurt. There wasn’t much Kurt could do to soothe the hurt though, so he reached out and laid his hand over Sebastian’s, giving it a squeeze in a silent gesture of condolence which Sebastian accepted with a small smile before he looked up, all traces of sadness gone.  
  
“I’m taking that as a yes, then?”  
  
“Yeah sure,” Kurt said with a smile. “I’d like to meet your mom.”  
  
Kurt was in the bathroom going through his newly adapted night time skincare routine later that night when Sebastian appeared in the doorway looking distressed.  
  
“Have you seen my RIP file?” he asked, ignoring how Kurt’s face was plastered with thick white paste.  
  
“It’s probably resting in peace.”  
  
“Kurt, I’m serious.”  
  
“What’s your RIP file?"  
  
“Really Important Papers file,” Sebastian said. Kurt’s mouth quirked up into a grin. “I don’t remember where I put it and I really, really need it right now.”  
  
“Shouldn’t you have all your important papers on your computer or something in this age of technology?” Kurt teased.  
  
“Some things will always require old fashioned paper work.” Sebastian said. “Now quit messing around and tell me if you’ve seen it or not.”  
  
“Describe it.”  
  
“It’s uh – it’s dark purple with a black stripe down the side.”  
  
Kurt shook his head and turned back to the mirror. “No, I don’t think I’ve seen a purple one. There was a thin one with a bluish-purple tint to it on the bedroom bookshelf though.”  
  
“No,” Sebastian said. “This is solid purple. God, where the hell did it disappear?” he let his forehead thunk against the doorframe before straightening up and catching Kurt’s eye in the mirror. “You look like an idiot, just by the way,” he said before disappearing once again.  
  
“I do not,” Kurt muttered, turning his eyes back to his reflection.  
  
Sebastian still looked frustrated when Kurt went back out. He was leaning against the fridge, taking long sips of his beer as he glared around the apartment.  
  
“Didn’t find it?” Kurt asked.  
  
He shook his head. “Fucking file.”  
  
Kurt spared him an amused smile but didn’t tease him any further. Their playlist was set to a [familiar song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2pSFd-K4uU) even though Kurt couldn’t place the lyrics, he vaguely recognized the mystical quality of the vocals.  
  
It may have been a result of the song or maybe it was just because he was still thinking of the stupid file but before he sat down on the couch, Kurt lifted the cushions and peered underneath, not knowing what he was expecting but when he saw the corner of a deep purple file sticking out, his breath caught in his throat. He pulled it out with slightly trembling hands, not quite believing his eyes. There was no question if this was the right file or not, it had the black stripe down its side, some papers peeking out of the corners, edges crumpled under the weight of the countless bodies that had sat on it over the past weeks.  
  
The music was suddenly too loud, the chorus rising and pounding in every corner of his skull. Kurt could feel something pushing to get through to him, explain how he had known to check under the couch.  
  
“ _Come on Sebastian, you’ve been working since last night_  -”  
  
“ _\- can’t, baby. You understand, you didn’t move for ages when you were_  -”  
  
“ _Let me help you with all that stress_  -”  
  
“ _Kurt_  -”  
  
“ _Later. The boring papers aren’t going anywhere_  -”  
  
“ _What are you doing, you’ll crumple them_  -”  
  
“ _Ssshh_  -”  
  
“ _Fuck_   _Kur_ - _mmmph_.”  
  
Kurt stared at the file, his breaths coming a little faster. It felt like he was sinking in quicksand and clutching at the memories desperately to survive. The music continued to echo around the apartment and when Kurt lifted his eyes to the couch again he could almost see the way he had pressed Sebastian onto his back and shoved the file hastily under the cushions.  
  
“What are you doing on your knees?” Sebastian asked, coming up behind him. His eyes fell on the file in his hand and widened. “Oh fuck, you found it!”  
  
Kurt stood up, holding it out for Sebastian. “It was under the cushions.”  
  
“What the hell was it doing there?” Sebastian said with a frown as he regarded the crumpled edges of the paper.  
  
“I put it there while trying to distract you,” Kurt said, his voice slightly raspy.  
  
"Oh right," Sebastian said as continued to flick through the papers. "I told you you'd crumple the -" his head snapped up suddenly as if he’d just realized what Kurt had said. “Wait, did you – do you -”  
  
Kurt knew he was trying to say  _do you remember_? but the shock on his face was clearing hindering his ability to form words so Kurt settled for answering him with a nod and a slow spreading grin.  
  
There was a suspended moment of silence before Sebastian threw the file onto the couch. “Holy shit," he said and closed the distance between them, pulling Kurt against his chest in a bone crushing hug. Kurt laughed into his shoulder, palm pressed against Sebastian’s thudding heart – it was racing faster than Kurt’s own.  
  
“I –  _how_?” Sebastian asked when he pulled back. “Did something trigger it or -”  
  
“That song,” Kurt said. “It was playing while when we were -” he paused, tripping over the words  _having sex_  before he realized that there was no point hiding them from Sebastian. It wasn’t like this was a fantasy he wanted to keep a secret. Sebastian had been a willing participant in the activities, even without Kurt telling him, he’d know exactly what had happened so he shook his head imperceptibly and said, “ – while we were having sex and I guess the music and the sight of the couch kind of put two and two together in my brain.”  
  
Sebastian was staring at him, eyes flickering over every inch of his face and excitement thrumming through his body. “Kurt,” he said in an almost whisper, reaching up to cup Kurt’s face with both his hands. “ _Kurt_ ,”  
  
It might have been that they both moved together or that one of them made the first move and the other followed – however it happened, the next second Kurt found his lips pressed against Sebastian’s, their mouths slick from the beer Sebastian had been drinking and the chapstick Kurt had applied. The hands on his face pulled him in closer as their lips met again and again. Kurt fisted his fingers in Sebastian’s shirt as his lips parted under the soft lick of Sebastian’s tongue. The warmth of it in Kurt’s mouth made his head spin a little with the familiarity of it all but he only got two glorious strokes of it against his own before Sebastian was pulling back and bundling him into another hug, clutching fistfuls of his t-shirt as he pulled him closer, still.  
  
“First you remember us fighting and now you remember us having sex,” he said in between small laughs. “You don’t do things halfway do you?”  
  
Kurt pulled his arm free from where it was trapped between their bodies and wrapped it around Sebastian’s back. The familiar scent of his body wash hit him strongly when Kurt turned his face into Sebastian’s neck and smiled against his skin.  
  
“Apparently not.”


	13. Chapter 13

  
  
Meeting your partner’s parents for the first time was simply put - nerve wracking.  
  
Kurt remembered the night he had been introduced to Blaine’s family as The Boyfriend shortly after Regionals. He’d been nauseous throughout the hours leading up to the meeting despite the fact that it wasn’t the first time he was going to meet the Andersons. He’d met Blaine’s parents countless times while he and Blaine had been hanging out after school before they’d started dating. That particular night, however had led to a drastic shift in the mood between the four of them. It hadn’t been unwelcoming or unpleasant by any means but Kurt had definitely felt awkward, like he was under the critical observation of both Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, giving a test he didn’t know the criteria to pass.  
  
Looking back now, Kurt decided he would gladly go through a hundred similarly awkward dinners rather than face the prospect of brunch with Nicole Smythe. At least with the Andersons, they had been on the same page. Today’s meeting promised nothing but an unfair distribution of knowledge. Nicole and Sebastian would have years of knowing Kurt under their belts. Kurt, on the other hand, didn’t have the faintest clue how to act around his mother-in-law.  
  
 _Mother-in-law_  
  
There was no other way to think of it. He couldn’t think of her as Mrs. Smythe or Nicole or anything except  _his mother-in-law_.  
  
He had tried and failed to convince himself it would just be like meeting the Andersons – he’d dress his best, be his charming, well behaved self and assure them of how much he liked their son but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t bring himself to accept that it would be as easy. For one, he and Sebastian weren’t just boyfriends, they were – they were a whole mess of complications. For another, this was a woman he was seeing for the first time had probably already seen Kurt in ‘parent pleasing mode’ more than once. Maybe they had long since moved past all the formalities and started to act more like a permanent family as opposed to temporary guests in each other’s lives.  
  
Oh god, what if Nicole knew some horribly embarrassing things about him? What if she and Burt had drunkenly exchanged baby stories about their kids and she knew all about the time Kurt had smeared his mother’s lipstick on his eyelids in place of eye shadow? Or the time when he’d wet his pants on the way back from a scary Halloween movie special in third grade? What if she had seen  _Kurt_  drunk? Kurt didn’t even remember the last time he’d touched alcohol, what he was like when he was drunk? From what he remembered, when he wasn’t feeling sick to his stomach, being intoxicated made him horny. So,  _so_  horny.  
  
 _Shit_.  
  
“Okay,” Kurt whispered to the racks of clothes staring back at him from inside his closet. “Calm down. Stop overthinking.”  
  
Sorting through the selection of shirts calmed him for a bit but barely a few minutes later he was right back to where he’d started.  
  
Perhaps if he had a bit more of a grasp on his memories, he would feel confident enough to play along as if everything were normal like he had with Paulo but the only things Kurt remembered were his accident, fighting with Sebastian and having sex with Sebastian - and okay, no. That last train of thought was not doing him any good right now.  
  
He’d replayed the memory of shoving Sebastian’s RIP file under the cushions over and over again in his head just to feel the rush of relief at being able to remember  _something_. But things had progressed to awkward really fast when every ounce of force Kurt put into remembering more only served to clarify the exact details of the sounds Sebastian had made when Kurt had slowly peeled off his clothes or how Kurt had been able to take  _all_  of Sebastian into his mouth – something that had distracted him from his discomfort because wow, he hadn’t been aware he could do that - he and Blaine had still been new to sex, still in the process of testing things out one by one...  
  
“Stop it,” he said, the words echoing around the silence of his room. His train of thought cut off abruptly at his admonishment, leaving Kurt’s mind blissfully blank for a few seconds until once again, the nervousness overtook him. Kurt didn’t succumb to it this time but squared his shoulders and focused more intently on the clothes at hand. There was no way out of this meeting even though he had half a mind to feign sickness and force Sebastian to cancel. His accident had given him plenty of difficult situations to deal with, a simple meeting with someone who was supposed to be part of his family was definitely something Kurt could handle.  
  
When he walked out into the lounge half an hour later, Sebastian was talking to someone on his phone, his jaw set tight. “Yeah, whatever.” he said, eyes flickering up to see Kurt. His expression didn’t soften as he swept his gaze over Kurt’s attire; he seemed too preoccupied with the person on the other end. “Just be there, okay?”  
  
“Who was that?” Kurt asked when Sebastian cut the call and slipped the phone into his jeans pocket.  
  
“Blaine,” Sebastian said flatly. “Maman asked me to invite him and we're going to have to pick Burt up on the way too. ”  
  
“Well that’s good - right?”  
  
“Sure,” Sebastian said but his voice was clipped.  
  
“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”  
  
“Well  _I’m sorry_ ,” Sebastian snapped. “But it’s not like my opinion makes a difference here.”  
  
“You don’t want Blaine to come?”  
  
“Oh I’d  _love_  if Blaine came,” Sebastian said, voice dripping with sarcasm as he headed towards the bedroom. “I’m sure you would to.”  
  
Kurt frowned, following him. “What’s up with you?”  
  
“Nothing,” Sebastian said, pulling off his wrinkled white t-shirt and throwing it aside. It landed haphazardly around a pair of summer sandals near the bookshelf. Kurt’s frown deepened, he didn’t even get the chance to appreciate how Sebastian was now walking around the room completely shirtless because he was too annoyed to take notice.  
  
“Is this about yesterday?” Kurt asked.  
  
There was a scoff from inside the closet but no reply.  
  
Kurt sighed and turned around, picking up Sebastian’s shirt from the floor and folding it over the loveseat near the window. He had an inkling Sebastian’s attitude wasn’t just because of Blaine. Sebastian had been snippy ever since last night when he’d realized that they were still supposed to sleep in separate bedrooms.  
  
Their kiss had been something that had happened in the heat of the moment – Kurt had felt too overwhelmed with emotions at the time to think clearly and he didn’t  _regret_  it, per say, he just wished Sebastian would understand that he needed a little time to straighten things out and ending up curled around each other in bed wasn’t going to help.  
  
For all the patience Sebastian had shown so far, Kurt could see how his desperation to get ‘old Kurt’ back one hundred percent was starting to seep through his cool exterior. He couldn’t blame him for wanting his husband back, but he also couldn’t stand around and deal with Sebastian acting like a petulant child and putting words in his mouth.  
  
He moved to back out of the room, wait in the lounge until Sebastian calmed down and was ready to leave when Sebastian walked out of the closet wearing a slim fit blue shirt and a fresh pair of dark jeans. His eyes were looking everywhere except at Kurt but when they fell on the floor next to bed, he froze. Kurt followed his gaze to see what he was looking at but Sebastian moved in front of him, blocking his view.  
  
“What?” Kurt asked as Sebastian bent down to pick something up from the ground.  
  
Sebastian turned around, his expression hard. “What’s this doing on the floor?”  
  
Kurt’s stomach lurched at the sight of his wedding band held precociously between Sebastian’s thumb and forefinger. He must’ve accidentally dropped it while taking out his wallet and watch from the drawer earlier. “I -” he started but Sebastian cut him off.  
  
“I know you don’t care about this marriage but you can at least have the decency to respect how much these rings cost and not go around throwing them all over the place.”  
  
“You think I threw that on purpose?” Kurt asked, his voice rising.  
  
“What’s it doing on the floor then?”  
  
“ _It was an accident_.”  
  
Sebastian scoffed and turned his back to Kurt. “Sure,” he said in the same clipped tone he’d used a while ago.  
  
Kurt was seconds away from stepping forward and slapping him but he curled his hands into fists and took a deep breath. “Whatever is going on inside you head, stop taking it out on me.”  
  
“Oh that’s rich, coming from you.” Sebastian said, dropping the ring into the drawer and nudging it shut with his hip. He stormed past Kurt without looking at him and this time, Kurt didn’t attempt to calm himself down before he stalked after him.  
  
“What is that supposed to mean?”  
  
“It  _means_  I’ve been taking your shit for days without a word and the second  _I_  have a problem, I have to shut up because your delicate little head can’t take it.”  
  
“What  _is_  your problem?!”  
  
“My problem is that you can’t seem to make up your mind on what you want from me here. One second you’re crying into my shoulder, then you’re kissing me and suddenly you’re pushing me away when I try to sleep with you.  _Sleep_ , Kurt. All I wanted was to sleep in the same bed as my husband and you cranked up a story about how you weren’t ready for that yet!”  
  
Kurt stared at him speechlessly. All the retorts he'd had in his head a second ago had vanished into thin air, leaving anger, hurt and humiliation swirling inside him in their wake. Sebastian was breathing heavily in front of him, no trace of guilt on his face and when Kurt didn’t say anything for a few long seconds, he muttered, “Forget it” and turned away again.  
  
He should have said something, Kurt knew he should have said something. Shouted at Sebastian, acted on his desire to slap him but he stood rooted to the spot even as the loud echo of one of their cell phones ringing broke through the silence like a sharp knife.  
  
Of all the times he had turned to Sebastian for help, never had he felt so conscious about it. There had always been gentleness to Sebastian’s touch, patience and an underlying promise that he would stick with Kurt for however long it took for him to get used to things, that it was okay if he wanted to lean on Sebastian for support. Now he made it sound like it was something he’d only been putting up with, not an action that held any traces of genuine care.  
  
This side of Sebastian, the side that had the power to hurt Kurt so viciously with just words was something Kurt had almost forgotten about. Maybe it’s what made everything hurt so much more because the boy he had started to trust so completely had turned on him and thrown all his vulnerabilities in his face like they were problems Kurt was creating on  _purpose_.  
  
“What?” Sebastian snarled in lieu of a greeting when he answered his phone but his tone immediately softened. “Yes, Maman we’re on our way.”  
  
Kurt didn’t hear the rest of the conversation but when Sebastian looked to him and said, “Let’s go” he shook his head.  
  
“No.”  
  
“No?”  
  
“I’m not going.”  
  
“What the fuck do you mean you’re not going?”  
  
“I mean you can go to this stupid brunch on your own while I stay home and nurse my  _delicate head_.”  
  
Sebastian glared at him. “Don’t be like this. Not now.”  
  
“I can save it for later, if you’d like. It’s not like my condition is going to magically change in a few hours.”  
  
“Look, whatever your issues are -”  
  
“ _My_  issues?!” Kurt was shouting now but he didn’t care. “Yes, Sebastian they’re  _my issues_  because  _I’m_  the one who got his head smashed in an accident or have you forgotten that little fact?”  
  
“You’re not the only one dealing with the repruccussions of -”  
  
“No, but I think struggling to rediscover yourself with a ten year memory lapse is a tiny bit harder than not getting laid for a month.”  
  
Sebastian’s face twisted into another scowl at that. “This isn’t about sex!” he yelled. He was about to add something else but the phone rang in his hand again and he huffed in frustration, glancing down at the caller ID. “It’s Burt,” he said. “Here. Explain your change of mind. I’ll just go tell Maman to chuck all the food in the dumpsters, then.”  
  
He tossed the phone to Kurt, who by some miracle managed to react fast enough to catch it in his hand.  
  
“Hello?” Kurt said, his voice raspy from shouting.  
  
“Hey, kiddo. How long are you and Sebastian gonna take? I’ve been ready for ages.”  
  
“We’re -” Kurt looked at Sebastian who was no longer staring at Kurt but leaning by the window, palm pressed flat to his glass. “We got caught up with something.” He said quickly. Burt’s voice was too cheerful, Kurt didn’t have the energy to tell him what was really happening. “We’re just about to leave.”  
  
“Give me a call when you get here, I’ll come out.”  
  
“Okay,” Kurt said, forcing some expression into his voice. “See you soon, dad.”  
  
“Oh so we’re going now?” Sebastian said when Kurt started towards the door without a word.  
  
“I didn’t want to ruin his good mood.”  
  
“So when it comes to your parents, we have to do everything to ensure they’re fine and dandy but a second ago you were perfectly content with ruining  _my_  mother’s good mood.”  
  
Kurt rounded on him the second the elevator doors slid shut. “If we’re doing this, then this bitch act needs to stop right now. I’m meeting your mother for the first time and I’m not going to let you ruin things by acting like an asshole so just – don’t talk to me at all.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
The car ride to Burt’s hotel was silent but filled with tension. It cackled around them, almost a visible presence. Burt felt it immediately because the second he slid into the backseat, he frowned and asked, “Everything okay?”  
  
“Yeah,” Kurt said, turning to look at his dad between the front seats and plastering what he hoped was a convincing smile on his face. “How are you doing?”  
  
“I’m great,” Burt said. “Hungry as hell. Haven’t touched a thing since Nic called this morning.”  
  
Kurt gave him another smile before turning back to the front. His anger at Sebastian had dissipated, replaced by the nerves from before and he spent the rest of the drive fidgeting with his hands and staring out the window. He caught Sebastian glancing at him a few times but neither of them said anything until they pulled up in front of a low rise apartment some twenty minutes later.  
  
“You look like you’re walking to your death,” Sebastian whispered, walking round the car just as Kurt got out of the passenger seat. “You weren’t even this nervous when you gave her a job interview.”  
  
“What?” Kurt said, tearing his gaze away from the building to look at Sebastian.  
  
“Nothing,” Sebastian said but the look on his face gave away that it was definitely  _not_  nothing.  
  
“Job interview?” Kurt pressed as they climbed the steps to the front door. “Why would I give your mother a job interview?” Burt rang the doorbell while Sebastian continued to ignore Kurt, hands shoved into his pocket. “Sebastian, answer my -”  
  
The front door opened, interrupting Kurt’s demand and drawing his eyes to the woman framed in the doorway. She was stunning. Kurt took a moment to just stare at her while she greeted the two men in front of him.  
  
Her dark hair was twisted up into an elegant bun at the top of her head, only a short fringe left free to brush the top of her eyebrows. Her face was fresh, highlighted by the faintest brush of eyeliner and lipstick and when she smiled, there were dimples on either side of her cheek exactly the kind that Sebastian would get. The resemblance between mother and son was actually startling. The only noticeable difference was how Nicole’s eyes were a shade darker than Sebastian’s but they still glowed with warmth as she beamed up at her son.  
  
It was when Kurt looked at the deep blue frock she wearing, belted around her middle and paired with a simple pearl necklace that everything suddenly clicked in his head.  
  
 _Nicole S._  - the employer listed on his Facebook – was Nicole Smythe.  
  
The knowledge that this woman owned a designer label to her name and that Kurt  _worked_  for her hit him like a ton of bricks, stunning him into silence for the second time that morning until she stepped forward to hug him and Kurt blurted out, “You’re my boss.”  
  
It was worse than any first introduction he had imagined. Burt chuckled behind her back, Sebastian just stared at him with a blank expression but Nicole smiled, albeit looking a bit confused as she shook her head and cupped his face tenderly.  
  
“No, honey.” She said with the faintest hint of a French accent. “Not today. I’m just Nicole for now.” Kurt nodded jerkily, cheeks flaming with heat but when Nicole pulled him into a hug, he felt the embarrassment melt away in favor of a flash of nostalgia. She cradled his head, squeezing him close and her perfume smelled almost as comforting as Sebastian’s body wash. “Oh honey,” she said softly. “I have missed you so much.”  
  
Kurt didn’t know how to respond. He couldn’t exactly say  _I missed you too,_  when this was his first meeting with her. When they pulled away, Nicole’s eyes were glazed with tears but she gave a small laugh and wiped delicately at the corner of her eye with a knuckle.  
  
“Sorry,” she said. “Its just that I’ve been thinking about you every day since the accident and Sebastian wouldn’t let me speak to you and now you’re here...” she trailed off, taking a deep breath and giving Kurt a watery smile. “How are you?” she asked in a voice that was filled with nothing but honest concern.  
  
“I’m good,” Kurt said with a smile. The Carole-like motherly affection that was emanating from this woman put him at ease. “I don’t know if Sebastian’s told you but I’ve started remembering a few things here and there.” He was hoping he wouldn’t be pushed into giving details but at least this was better than saying  _I’m frustrated because I just remembered that your son is a dick and he hurt me more than I want to let him see_.  
  
“No, as a matter of fact he hasn't said anything,” Nicole said, giving Sebastian a disapproving look over her shoulder before stepping aside. “Come in, we’ll be more comfortable when we’re not standing in the entryway.”  
  
Sebastian refused to make eye contact with him as they walked down the hall but Kurt couldn’t have cared less about him in the moment. He was suddenly self conscious of his choice of clothing for today. He was wearing a double collar cuff dress shirt with a gray vest, a simple yet tasteful outfit but the sudden awareness of the fact that this woman leading him into her drawing room was probably a critical appreciator of fashion made his outfit feel boring.  
  
The drawing room was connected to a dining room where a large table was already half laid out. A woman in a maid’s uniform was setting down a pitcher of juice next to some crystal cut glasses when they walked in. Nicole introduced her as Moira.  
  
“I wasn’t able to put together everything for today’s brunch on my own, Moira’s helped a great deal.”  
  
“Always a pleasure, Madame.”  
  
Nicole touched her arm and gave her a fond smile. “Don’t bring out anything else until Blaine gets here. Sebastian, call and ask him where he is will you?”  
  
“I’ll do it.” Kurt said quickly. He caught the way Sebastian’s jaw tightened at that but he really wanted an excuse to escape for a few moments and this was the perfect getaway. He took a minute to clear his head once he was in the hallway away, digest the sudden information about his dual relationship with Nicole before he pulled out his phone and dialed Blaine’s number.  
  
Blaine answered on the third ring, already rambling, “I’m almost there. I’m almost there, I’m almost there!”  
  
Kurt smiled, “Hurry up. We’re waiting for you.”  
  
Blaine’s arrival seemed to simultaneously lighten the mood and make it tenser, if that was even possible. Burt and Nicole looked happy to see him but Sebastian barely gave him a nod of acknowledgment as he sat down. He wasn’t talking to anyone, choosing instead to stare at the arm of his chair, bouncing his fist off the twisted handle as if it was the most fascinating thing ever. Blaine cast Kurt a questioning look but Kurt shook his head and turned to Nicole, trying his hardest to ignore Sebastian’s presence altogether.  
  
Nicole was easy to talk to, once Kurt stopped letting his inhibitions get the best of him. In the end, it didn’t seem to matter whether she was his mother in law or employer or a random woman on the street. There was a sense of comfort Kurt got from being around her that dispelled any awkwardness he had been anticipating. She asked him about the flashbacks he had and Kurt told her as briefly as he could about remembering ‘a few interactions’ with Sebastian and the accident itself. When she asked if Sebastian was taking good care of him (“Not that you can’t take perfectly good care of yourself, honey but still...”) Kurt forced a smile and said, “Yes.”  
  
From the corner of his eye he could see how Sebastian scowled down at his fist.  
  
Nicole noticed her son’s mood eventually but when she asked him if everything was okay, Sebastian stood up and said he was going to go get some muffins because he was hungry. Blaine got up to follow him, probably looking for the chance to catch him alone but Burt said he was starving too and headed over to the table without a second’s notice leaving Nicole and Kurt sitting in the drawing room. Kurt was almost embarrassed at his dad’s behavior but when he realized his lack of formality wasn’t because of ignored manners but because a sense of familiarity with Nicole, he felt a warmth bloom in his stomach.  
  
That was until he joined him in the dining room to see Sebastian glaring at him from the corner. Kurt did his best to ignore him once again and if he took a seat beside Blaine just to spite him, he didn’t think twice about it. After everything Sebastian had said to him this morning, Kurt would annoy him as much as he wanted, thank you very much.  
  
“So, Kurt. What are your plans now?” Nicole asked as they started to eat. “I don’t mean to frighten you into thinking I’ll fire you, but how do you plan on coming back to work?”  
  
“I haven’t really thought of it.” Kurt said. “My doctor’s told me not to stress myself too much but I don’t think sitting around the apartment all day is going to do much for me either especially since Sebastian starts work again tomorrow.”  
  
Next to him, Blaine leaned towards Sebastian who was sitting across from him and asked, “Are you still working on the Trinity case?”  
  
Sebastian ignored him and continued to smash his fork into his strata. Not missing this, Nicole leaned over and laid a hand over his. “You haven’t touched your food, sweetie.”  
  
“I’m not really hungry.” Sebastian said. He looked up, eyes finding Kurt’s and staring at him with an unreadable expression.  
  
“Sweetheart is everything okay? You look -”  
  
Sebastian stood up so fast he knocked over his glass of grapefruit juice, sending it spilling onto Burt’s plate and dribbling down onto his slacks. “Stop fucking asking me if everything is okay! It’s not, alright? You know it’s not and  _he_  knows it not!” he nodded towards Kurt who was staring at Sebastian with just as much shock as the rest of them. “Fuck this, just – fuck it. Fuck  _everything_!” Sebastian threw his hands up and left the dining room in a rush, almost sending Moira tumbling over her feet on his way.  
  
Silence hung heavy in the room after him, Kurt staring at his plate with clenched teeth and Nicole shaking her head slowly as if refusing to believe her son had just swore at her face. “He hasn’t snapped like that since his father passed away,” she said in a shaky voice. "Even with the accident he'd been so collected..." she trailed off, shaking her head again.  
  
“I felt something was up with him in the car,” Burt said and Kurt could feel everyone’s gaze on him now. “What’s going on?”  
  
Kurt didn’t like the fact that everything was coming out into the open like this. This wasn’t how the brunch was supposed to go. Sebastian couldn’t just  _storm out_  and leave him to deal with their families questions.  
  
“We had a disagreement,” he said as steadily as he could, still avoiding making eye contact with anyone. “He’s just making a big deal out of it.”  
  
It was far, far from the truth. He wanted to shout everything  _he_  had been feeling ever since their fight but he figured there was enough tension in the air as it was. Nicole stood up, setting her napkin down beside her plate. “I’m going to go check on him.”  
  
After she left, Kurt let his shoulders slump and dropped his head into his hands.  
  
“Kurt?” his dad asked in a softer voice.  
  
“Not right now, dad.  _Please_.”  
  
“Is this about me?” Blaine asked quietly from beside him. “I knew it. I shouldn’t have come but Sebastian - ”  
  
“No, it’s not about you.” Kurt said, shaking his head. “I really don’t want to talk about this. It’s kind of private.”  
  
Burt pressed his lips together and nodded but Blaine stood up. “I’m gonna go,” he said. “Tell Nicole I’m sorry but the food was lovely.”  
  
“No!” Kurt said, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down. “No one else is leaving me to deal with their mess. There’s enough as it is. I’m going to go find them and we’ll – we’ll sort this out.”  
  
He stood up, his legs feeling unsteady but he managed to not stumble as he made his way out of the room. His feet seemed to lead him up the stairs of their own accord and when Kurt got close enough to the door at the far end of the hall, he managed to make out the sound of Sebastian’s voice, shaking with emotion as he talked.  
  
“ – horrible, Maman. You don’t know what I said to him - you don’t – you weren’t there.”  
  
“Sssshhh, my child.”  
  
“If I keep messing up like this – he’s not going to stick around. Not like before.”  
  
Kurt froze outside the door, blocked from the view of the mother and son standing near the window but he could still make out how Nicole had her arms around Sebastian and was stroking a hand up and down his back.  
  
“He doesn’t even remember Dad.” It was said in a pained whisper, as if of all the things Kurt didn’t remember, this was the most painful for him.  
  
Tears were sliding down Kurt’s cheeks and he didn’t realize this until he blinked and his eyelashes came up with drops clinging to the edges. He felt angry at himself for crying, he shouldn’t be – not after that morning, not after how Sebastian had yelled at him. But he couldn’t stop the feeble ache in his chest at the utter  _pain_  in Sebastian’s voice.  
  
“I want him back,” Sebastian said, his voice hoarse. “I want him  _back_ , Maman.”  
  
 _“He can’t be gone, Kurt. He can’t. It’s too soon. People don’t die like this. It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.”  
  
Kurt cradles Sebastian’s head against his chest and strokes a hand through his messy hair. There’s nothing he can say right now that is going to make Sebastian feel better so he does the only thing he can and holds him close, lets him feel the proof of Kurt’s beating heart in a silent promise of ‘I’m still here. You still have me.’  
  
“I want him back,” is the angry whisper that finally breaks the silence. “They can’t take him from me – I want him back!” the last part is almost a roar, ripping through the quiet apartment and it takes both of Kurt’s hands to hold Sebastian down and keep him from standing up. Sebastian loses the fight in him within seconds and slumps right back against Kurt’s chest, wrapping his arms around his middle like a child clinging on for dear life.  
  
Kurt’s quiet once again, doing nothing but holding his husband close while he cries. Once his sobs die down and the grip on Kurt’s shirt relaxes a little, Kurt leans down and kisses Sebastian’s forehead, bringing one had to rest on the side of his face, thumb stroking along his temple.  
  
“I love you,” he says and he knows that it means so much more than all of the “‘I’m sorry for your loss”s that Sebastian’s had to endure all day long because Sebastain doesn’t say 'I love you too', he doesn’t need to.  
  
What he does is lean in further in the circle of Kurt’s arms and take a shaky breath, breathing a “thank you” somewhere in between.  
  
Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me._  
  
Kurt had to lean on the wall for support after how suddenly the memory hit him. It fizzled out into fragments of him stripping Sebastian down to his underwear and crawling under the covers with him, waking up some point in the night to Sebastian sobbing beside him only to pull him against his chest again -  
  
It took a few seconds for his head to stop throbbing but when he finally felt steady enough, he straightened up and pushed open the  door and walked into the bedroom. Sebastian and Nicole looked up, no longer embracing now. Kurt had his gaze trained on Sebastian's face but when Nicole stepped forward, he looked at her and asked, “Can I have a few minutes alone with him, please?”  
  
Nicole gave a curt nod and slipped quietly from the room, shutting the door behind her. Sebastian was staring at Kurt, all the hardness from before drained from his face. His eyes were rimmed red and his lips were wet from – had he just licked his tears? Something told Kurt he had.  
  
For a moment, neither of them said anything until they both spoke at the same time.  
  
“Kurt I -”  
  
“Look, it’s not -”  
  
They stopped mid sentence until Sebastian said, “I’ll go first.” Kurt stepped closer and nodded for him to continue. “I’m so fucking sorry,” Sebastian said in a rush of breath. “For everything I said this morning, for how I’ve been acting. I wasn’t thinking straight and you have every right to be mad.  _I_  can’t believe half the things I said. It was just -  _Blaine_  and you and after we kissed last night, I expected things to go back to normal but I know that’s not how it works but -”  
  
“I’m not pushing you away,” Kurt said, cutting him off. He reached out to take Sebastian’s hand in his. “I promise. It’s just -” he hesitated, staring at Sebastian as he tried to think of how to explain everything. “My emotions are all over the place after a flashback and I’m scared if I give in to them and do something too much, too soon – it’ll make everything worse. That  _this_  -” he squeezed Sebastian’s hand, bringing it up to hold it against his heart. “ – won’t be sincere but just something I’m doing blindly. I told you I can feel how important this relationship is to me, I want to make sure I’m not going to mess it up.”  
  
Sebastian leaned down to press their foreheads together. “I’m so fucking sorry, Kurt.” he whispered.  
  
Kurt smiled, “I would have said some equally nasty things had my tongue worked properly so I guess we’re even?”  
  
Sebastian pulled his hand free of Kurt’s only to wrap it around him instead, drawing Kurt against his body. His fingers slipped into Kurt’s hair as Kurt hooked his chin over his shoulder and the two of them stood there, swaying on the spot to a silent tune for long, quiet minutes until Kurt said, “I remembered something just now.”  
  
“About me?”  
  
“Us.” Kurt said, turning his head to press his cheek against the cotton of Sebastian’s shirt. “I think it was after your father’s funeral. We were in our bedroom, I was holding you.”  
  
Sebastian didn’t say anything, Kurt knew he was thinking back to the painful memory and he suddenly felt sorry for bringing it up. He brushed a kiss along Sebastian’s jaw before, sliding his hands up to wrap around his neck and pull him even closer.  
  
“Thank you,” he whispered and he knew from the way Sebastian’s grip tightened around him that he knew everything the words implied.  
  
 _Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me_.


	14. Chapter 14

When they re-entered the dining room, Burt, Blaine and Nicole were all in the middle of a hushed conversation. Their voices cut off abruptly when Kurt and Sebastian walked in, three pairs of eyes turning to look at them with burning curiosity as they took their seats opposite each other.  
  
“Don’t pretend like the three of you weren’t just talking about us,” Sebastian said as he picked up his napkin and spread it on his lap. He turned to Burt, looking genuinely apologetic and a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry about the juice.”  
  
Burt smiled at him. “Don’t worry about it, kid. These jeans aren’t anything fancy.”  
  
“Have you worked things out?” Nicole asked gently.  
  
Sebastian glanced up at Kurt and gave him a small grin. “Yeah, pretty much.”  
  
“Good,” she said and then proceeded to smack the back of Sebastian’s head with a folded napkin. Sebastian looked scandalized and even though there was no possible way the blow could have hurt, he raised his hand to rub gingerly at the back of his head.  
  
“Maman!”  
  
“If I ever see you behaving like that at the table again, you will have hell to pay.  _Compris?_ ”  
  
Sebastian nodded, looking every bit the scolded child. Kurt stifled a laugh behind his hand and caught Burt and Blaine doing the same next to him. For a second, he felt bad because there were few things more humiliating than getting told off by a parent in company and laughing would not help matters but the scowl on Sebastian’s face didn’t seem as angry or upset as it did annoyed.  
  
Nicole’s stern expression soon melted into a fond smile and she reached out to caress the spot on Sebastian’s head where the napkin had hit him moments ago. “ _My grumpy little baby,_ ” she said in French. Sebastian rolled his eyes and reached for a crepe.  
  
“Kurt have you tried these cheese blitzes?” Nicole asked. “They’re your favorite.”  
  
There was a renewed energy to the room when conversation started up again this time round. Sebastian and Blaine were talking for one, discussing the infamous Trinity Case with Burt adding his own thoughts in at random intervals and Nicole was telling Kurt stories about previous brunches and dinners where someone or the other had managed to create some sort of havoc.  
  
“We like to keep things interesting around here. I can’t tell you the number of times Christopher would bring up a touchy topic just to get things heated. He loved getting a good debate going, must have been the lawyer in him.” Her smile was full of nostalgia - and when her gaze flickered up to stare at the vacant chair at the other end of the table – longing.  
  
Kurt could tell Christopher Smythe had been a loved man but he didn’t feel comfortable asking more about him. After everything that had happened that morning, he felt hyperaware of how his lack of knowledge about things he’d previously known intimately could hurt others without his knowing.  
  
Nicole seemed to notice the way he shifted uncomfortably in his chair because she said, “It’s okay honey. I don’t expect you to remember anything.”  
  
Kurt gave her a grateful smile. “I remember bits and pieces,” he said in between sips of cool water. “But mostly, it’s stuff about me and Sebastian, not so much everybody else.”  
  
“Well I’m not surprised,” Nicole said with a smile that had just a little teasing edge to it. “It’s always been about you and Sebastian, not so much everybody else.”  
  
“It’s probably because I spend more time with him,” Kurt said quickly. “And most of the memories in our apartment are of us so -”  
  
“Kurt,” Nicole laid a hand over his, cutting him off. “You don’t have to justify yourself.”  
  
"I really wish I remembered more sometimes," he admitted. "It would make things a lot less awkward."  
  
"There's no need to feel awkward around me, honey. We're family."  
  
Kurt felt an immense flood of warmth and gratitude for this woman. The conversation between them flowed easily after that, ranging from memories to upcoming fashion trends to how Paris looked at this time of year. By the time they moved from the table back to the sitting room, all five of them were laughing and cutting each other off in order to talk first.   
  
Nicole pressed a package of leftovers into Sebastian's hand when they started to leave. "Here you are darling," she said, kissing his cheek. Judging by the way Sebastian accepted it without protest and a simple 'thank you' made him think it was something she always did after brunches. He wasn't complaining, it would be great to get back to the delicious cheddar apple bundles later on.  
  
Kurt caught Sebastian and Blaine talking off to the side while he said his own goodbye's and thank you's to Nicole. The two boys seemed to be talking things through because in the end, Blaine reached up and threw his arms around Sebastian in a tight hug in response to which Sebastian laughed and said something in Blaine's ear. The sight made Kurt feel a sense of relief because the last thing he wanted was for the little feud between Blaine and Sebastian to continue.   
  
"You two made up?" he asked as they bucked their seat belts in the car a few minutes later.   
  
"Figured it was time," Sebastian said with a grin.   
_  
  
They went back to the apartment after dropping Burt off to his hotel in order to put the food in the fridge and freshen up before they left for their date.  
  
“Where are we going anyway?” Kurt asked once Sebastian came out of the bathroom, his button up swapped for a boring dark blue t-shirt. When he sat down next to Kurt and propped an elbow on the back of the couch, the muscles popped out under his sleeve, the cotton hugging his skin in the most delicious ways possible. Kurt’s eyes were drawn to the tight bulge and okay, not so boring then. A rush of images and sounds came back to him, he recognized them as snippets of the memory he had of the night he’d blown Sebastian on this very couch. It made heat tug at him somewhere low in his belly but he pulled himself together, focusing at the Sebastian who was currently sitting in front of him rather than the Sebastian who had been thrusting up into Kurt’s mouth at his own insistence.  
  
“Hmm?” he asked distractedly when he realized Sebastian was saying something.  
  
“You asked where we’re going - there’s something we do after every time we have Sunday brunch with Maman -”  
  
“We’re not having sex,” Kurt said immediately.  
  
Sebastian was silent for a single stunned second before he burst out laughing. Kurt felt his cheeks grow a little warm in a way that had nothing to do with the vivid memory from before but Sebastian was stretching out the arm he had resting on the back of the couch to wrap a hand around the back of Kurt’s neck and stroke softly there. “Well that’s a shame,” he said. “But sex usually isn’t on the agenda until later. There’s something else we do first.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Sebastian shook his head. “Guess.”  
  
Kurt frowned. “How am I supposed to know?”  
  
“Because it’s something we do a lot and your memory has been good lately. Just give it a push. Try.”  
  
Kurt had no clue where to start. “Give me something to go on at least.”  
  
“It’s under open air.”  
  
“That’s not helpful at all.”  
  
“Well it’s all you’re getting. Kurt, come on.” Sebastian looked serious as he shifted closer, curving a leg up so his knee rested over Kurt’s thigh. “Give it a shot. It’s something we do after ever brunch, under open air and here’s something else – we say it’s so we can burn off the calories we’ve consumed but mostly we just like the time it gives us to be together and talk without the interruption of a movie or the urge to fuck conversation and just - well,  _fuck_.”  
  
The only thing that came to Kurt’s mind was a tree which at the moment, seemed bizarre but then it hit him as gently as a passing breeze, so unlike the sudden jolts of memory he’d been experiencing lately.  
  
“Central park,” he said, heart skipping a beat when Sebastian’s face lit up. “We take a walk in Central Park.”  
  
“Yes,” Sebastian said with a breathless laugh. His hand slid up from Kurt’s neck into his hair. “See? You did it, baby.”  
  
Kurt placed his hand on Sebastian’s waist, drawing him a closer as he let out a giddy laugh. “I did,” he said, tilting his head up and slotting their lips together. For a second, he just let himself enjoy the buzz of excitement both from the success of their little experiment and the feeling of Sebastian’s soft lips pressing against his before he drew back and kissed him again, harder this time, taking Sebastian’s bottom lip between his own, suckling it lightly. Sebastian made a high, breathy noise that sounded more like another excited exclamation than anything even remotely sexual but it still made Kurt feel warm inside.  
  
“You remembered, though.” Sebastian said suddenly, breaking the kiss. Kurt blinked, feeling a little disoriented but he couldn’t help smiling at the look of pure  _glee_  on Sebastian’s face.  
  
“Yes,” he said, stroking a hand down the side of Sebastian’s face. “We established that.”  
  
Sebastian didn’t seem to find it any less exciting because he just said, “Fuck, Kurt.  _You remembered_.” and surged forward to kiss him once more. After a second of trading wet, slightly sloppy kisses, he drew back and asked, “Do you remember anything specific or just that we go for a walk? Do you remember anything about me?”  
  
Kurt wished he did. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I just kind of ...  _know_  that we go for a walk.”  
  
“That’s okay,” Sebastian said, kissing him quickly as if in reassurance. “It’s something.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“So – we should probably get going if we want to uphold tradition.” Sebastian said though he made no move to get up from their current position.  
  
“We should.”  
  
“You want to change your clothes?”  
  
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” Kurt asked, looking down at his outfit.  
  
“Nothing,” Sebastian said, tilting Kurt’s head up with a finger to his chin and kissing the corner of his mouth. “Just thought you might want to be a bit more comfortable. Also, I’m not sure you’d want to risk getting those pants dirty.”  
  
The tree flashed in his mind again and Kurt smiled. “Because we lie around in the grass after the walk?”  
  
“Don’t remember specifics,  _my ass_.” Sebastian said with a wide grin.  
  
“I don’t.” Kurt said. “But I remember this.”  
  
Sebastian pressed the pad of his thumb against the dip of Kurt’s chin. “It’s enough for now,” he said.  
  
“Now move so I can go change.” Kurt said, patting his arm and attempting to slip out of their weird little tangle of limbs.  
  
“Wait, no. Not yet.” Sebastian said, holding him down.  
  
“You were the one who said we should get going.”  
  
“Just a few more seconds won’t hurt,” Sebastian said as he leaned in again, presumably to kiss Kurt but Kurt turned his face so all Sebastian’s lips found was the skin of his cheek.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Kurt, come on.”  
  
“I want to see if going to the park itself is going to jog some more memories. We can’t waste time sitting around.”  
  
“I wouldn’t call this wasting time,” Sebastian said and he managed to sneak in another kiss before he sighed and moved back, letting Kurt get to his feet. Kurt stumbled a little as he made his way to the bedroom, probably because of the disorientation of standing up too fast but it could also have been because he could still feel the way Sebastian had ran his fingers lightly down his side before he’d pulled away. “Don’t take forever!” Sebastian called out after him.  
  
Kurt found pair of jeans, which when he later checked the label in the bathroom turned out to be Dolce and Gabbana, and a white V-neck shirt which he paired with the sandals that were lying around his room (he had a feeling they might belong to Sebastian but they were comfortable so who cared?). He was ready to go in less than ten minutes which Sebastian seemed to find incredibly amusing.  
  
“Aw, are you that excited?” he teased as they grabbed their phones and wallets and headed to the elevator. Kurt scoffed but didn’t reply since he was eyeing the pair of khaki shorts Sebastian had thrown on in the time Kurt had took to get ready. Something about those shorts kept his attention all the way out of the apartment building and it wasn’t just the toned muscles of Sebastian’s legs that were peeking out from underneath them.  
  
It was only when they got to Central Park that Kurt realized what was bugging him about the khakis.  
  
“Those are mine, aren’t they?”  
  
Sebastian had been in the middle of saying something and it took him a moment to figure out what Kurt was talking about. “Oh these?” he said, looking down at his shorts. “Yeah.”  
  
“You’re wearing them.”  
  
“Killer observational skills, genius.” Sebastian said with a grin.  
  
“I’m just saying.”  
  
“Yeah I’m wearing them, just like you’re wearing my sandals.”  
  
“They’re comfortable,” Kurt said with a hint of defensiveness to his tone.  
  
“And not ugly?”  
  
“Yes. Which is surprising given how your fashion sense is just as woefully plain as I remember.”  
  
“That’s because you picked them out.” Sebastian said with a laugh. “And my fashion sense is fine for your information.”  
  
Kurt laughed, shaking his head. “Go on telling yourself that.”  
  
Sebastian reached out and took his hand, slotting their fingers together. For a few minutes, they walked in comfortable silence until Sebastian spoke up. “So anything new jump out at you yet?”  
  
“Not really,” Kurt said.  
  
“What are you thinking about, then?”  
  
Honestly, Kurt had been thinking about that morning, everything that had been said between them since the moment Sebastian had finished talking to Blaine on the phone. “Nothing,” he said.  
  
“Give me a little credit for being your husband, Kurt. I know that expression. What are you thinking about?” Kurt didn’t speak up immediately so Sebastian sighed and added, “This is kind of what these walks are about you know. Talking to each other.”  
  
“I was thinking about the stuff we said this morning.” Kurt admitted.  
  
“You mean the stuff  _I_  said. You didn’t exactly get a chance to talk did you?” Sebastian’s voice was lower now, guilt creeping into his features again.  
  
“No, I’m not – it’s not like that.”  
  
“What’s it like then?”  
  
“There was something Blaine said to me yesterday about us that makes even more sense in light of what happened today.”  
  
“What did he say?”  
  
“He said our relationship’s themed around discord and rhythm.” Sebastian smiled but let Kurt continue to speak. “He said that the discord is what gives us rhythm and it’s kind of true isn’t it? If you hadn’t cracked this morning, I wouldn’t have known what’s been going on in your head all this time, we wouldn’t have talked things out and I wouldn’t have felt as connected you as I do right now.”  
  
“You feel connected to me?” Sebastian asked, smile widening.  
  
“After what happened in that bedroom and those memories? Kind of, yeah.”  
  
Sebastian tugged at their joint hands so they ended up walking closer together. “Well since we’re talking things out there’s something I’ve been thinking about too.” Kurt raised his eyebrows in silent inquiry. “It’s about what you said at Maman’s, about how giving into the crazy emotions you have from flashbacks is going to make things worse. What if you’re wrong?” Kurt frowned but Sebastian didn’t give him a chance to ask for clarification before he started explaining himself. “The things you feel after a flashback, those are emotions that are a huge part of who we were – who we  _are_. If you keep fighting them, aren’t you kind of fighting us too?”  
  
“I don’t get it. Are you saying you want me to act when I’m not thinking straight?”  
  
“And why aren’t you thinking straight?”  
  
“Because the memories are powerful sometimes and I can’t pull myself out them immediately.”  
  
“So?”  
  
“So it’s confusing, Sebastian.” Kurt said with a huff of breath.  
  
“But I feel like you’re the most honest after you’ve had a flashback.” Sebastian said. “Remember the night you told me you’re my Kurt?”  
  
“That wasn’t a flashback.”  
  
“It came from crazy emotions though, right?”  
  
Kurt nodded, “I guess.”  
  
“And then after you remembered the accident, you said you felt the urge to run to me or call out to me.” Again, Kurt nodded. “What I’m trying to say here is that the moments where I feel you let yourself open up to me most are when your memories or past emotions or whatever have something to say about it. Otherwise, we might as well be simple friends.”  
  
Kurt took a few moments to mull over what Sebastian had said. Sebastian apparently thought that was the end of the conversation because he started talking about how there was a really cool karaoke bar nearby and they should go there sometime.  
  
“I feel vulnerable,” Kurt said suddenly.  
  
“What?” Sebastian looked taken aback.  
  
“The memories,” Kurt said. “Most of the time, they make me feel vulnerable. At least the intense ones and it all comes back to what I said about wanting control. If I let the emotions control me, then  _I_  don’t feel in control.”  
  
“I’m not saying let them control you,” Sebastian said. “Just listen to them, maybe?”  
  
“ _I do_ ,” Kurt insisted. “That’s mostly why I spoke to you at Nicole’s house – because I’d had a flashback about comforting you and I felt kind of...protective.”  
  
“Protective? Of me?” Sebastian asked with a smile.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“How cute.” Sebastian said.  
  
Kurt rolled his eyes as Sebastian pulled his hand out of Kurt’s and wrapped it around his waist instead, slipping the tips of his fingers into the front pocket of his jeans. “I love you,” he said, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s temple.  
  
Kurt curled his arm around Sebastian’s waist and smiled. “I’m getting there.”  
_  
  
They walked for another forty five minutes until they found a secluded tree to settle down under. Sebastian tugged Kurt’s head down onto his lap, not paying attention to his protests as he threaded his fingers through his hair.  
  
“No, seriously. Don’t touch it!” Kurt said, trying to duck away from Sebastian’s insistent hand.  
  
Sebastian laughed. “You think I’m going to listen to you?”  
  
“You should,” Kurt said, slapping at Sebastian’s hand.  
  
“Well I’m not.” Sebastian pushed Kurt’s hand away and grabbed lightly at a fistful of Kurt’s hair. Kurt sighed and gave in, a low moan escaping his throat when Sebastian tugged his hair in a way that sent sparks spiralling from his scalp right down to the tips of his toes. A warm pair of lips brushed against his forehead. “Never underestimate how well I know you,” Sebastian whispered.  
  
“You don’t seem to know me that well if you’re messing up my hair when I’m telling you not to.”  
  
“No, but I also know you find this soothing -” he dragged the pads of his fingers along Kurt’s scalp, back and forth, back and forth and yes, it was soothing but Kurt didn’t admit to it. Sebastian chuckled above him, the sight of him blocked out by how Kurt’s eyes had slid shut.  
  
“Whatever.” he grumbled.  
  
They sat listening to the bustling life around them, Sebastian’s hand in Kurt’s hair and his voice low as he hummed. Like most of the songs Kurt heard lately, he recognized the tune but couldn’t name it. Eventually, he gathered the energy to open his eyes and look up at Sebastian. His head was leaning back against the tree but his eyes were fixed on Kurt’s face.  
  
“What are you humming?”  
  
“ _Loving You_ by Ourselves.” Sebastian said _ _.__ “It’s a couple of years old.”  
  
“Sing it.”  
  
“Ooh, bossy. I like that.” Sebastian said, laughing when Kurt gave his stomach a light punch. “Fine, fine.” He took a deep breath and started to sing. “ _And loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done_ -”  
  
Kurt closed his eyes, letting the sound of Sebastian’s voice wash over him. It was the first time he’d heard Sebastian sing. The most he’d heard of his voice was during Bad in the parking lot when they’d been fighting for who’d do MJ at Regionals. Even then, he’d been backed up with Warbler vocals and singing along with the New Directions. Right now, his voice was soft and purely him.  
  
“You have a nice voice,” he said absently.  
  
“So you’ve told me before.”  
  
“Have I?”  
  
“Mm.”  
  
“Well this is the first time I’m hearing you sing without any ulterior motives.”  
  
“I’ll sing for you whenever you want.”  
  
Kurt closed his eyes again but there was something bugging him when Sebastian picked up from where he’d left off. “Have you sang this before?” he asked, opening his eyes to look at Sebastian.  
  
“Bunch of times, yeah.”  
  
“I think I remember some of it.”  
  
“The song?”  
  
“No, the times you’ve sang it.”  
  
“Tell me.” Sebastian demanded.  
  
“Don’t ask that, I can’t explain it.”  
  
“You can’t do that, Kurt. Tell me whatever you remember.”  
  
Kurt huffed and tried to concentrate on the broken images that were flitting through his mind’s eye. It was too difficult to grasp on to a single one. “Okay no,” he said. “I give up. One second I see you drunk out of your mind, the next we’re cuddling.”  
  
Sebastian laughed. “Makes sense.”  
  
“To you, maybe.” Kurt grumbled.  
  
“I like that you’re starting to remember me. Even if it’s like this.”  
  
“Making no sense at all?”  
  
“That sounds like a pretty apt description of me.” Sebastian said with a grin. He held out his hand in front of Kurt until Kurt got the message and slid his fingers in the gaps between Sebastian’s. They settled down in silence once again, the sun slowly sinking in the sky around them.  
  
“Today’s been exhausting.”  
  
“Tell me about it,” Sebastian said. “And I have to work tomorrow.”  
  
“I was thinking I might start too.”  
  
“Going back to work?”  
  
“Not exactly. I want to go through the files and designs I was working on before the accident or at least do a bit of research on fashion trends over the past decade. That way, when I go in to the office, I won’t be completely clueless. Nicole said she’d help.”  
  
“That’s cool, it’ll give you something to do while I’m not around.”  
  
“Like I’m not capable of a life when you’re not around?” Kurt asked, arching an eyebrow.  
  
“Things aren’t nearly as interesting, you gotta admit. I mean, come on. A week of being comatose? Imagine if I’d been with you wherever you’d disappeared during that time. Being unconscious would have been so much more fun.”  
  
Kurt turned his face into Sebastian’s thigh to hide his laugh and the gesture felt so incredibly natural that when he looked back up at Sebastian’s smiling face, he felt as if he was seeing Sebastian a bit clearer than he had before. Like he was a black and white outline and Kurt was slowly coloring in bits and pieces of him with recovered memories and his newly discovered feelings. Maybe that’s why he didn’t think twice before reaching up with his free hand to pull him down for a kiss.  
_  
  
By the time they got home, both of them were exhausted.  
  
“Do you want to eat anything?” Sebastian asked, toeing off his shoes at the entrance.  
  
“No, I’m still full.” Kurt said. “But get me a glass of milk.”  
  
“I wasn’t offering to get you anything but okay.” Sebastian said, narrowly missing the kick Kurt directed towards his shin.  
  
Kurt brushed his teeth, sped through his moisturizing routine, too tired to shower. He was letting down the blinds in his rooms when Sebastian came in, once again shirtless.  
  
“Did I take off my – oh yeah, here it is.” He picked up the t-shirt Kurt had placed on the love seat that morning and pulled it on before turning to face Kurt. “Don’t let all of them down, the light from outside’s beautiful.”  
  
“Also a little distracting when you’re trying to sleep late in the mornings.”  
  
Sebastian pouted. “I have to get up early.”  
  
“Too bad for you,” Kurt said as he brushed past him to the bed. Sebastian padded behind him and once Kurt had sat down, he swung a leg over his lap and moved to straddle his thighs. The new position brought them startlingly close but when Sebastian cupped his face and gave him a smile that was as soft and gentle as the low glow of the lamp, he relaxed. “Saying goodnight? Or officially ending the date?” Kurt asked.  
  
“Both,” Sebastian said before leaning in and kissing him. Kurt slipped his tongue in Sebastian’s mouth, teasing him with tiny kitten licks until Sebastian groaned and shuffled closer, their groins pressing together. Kurt could feel the outline of Sebastian’s flaccid cock through his thin night suit but it didn’t make him want to pull away or even press closer. It was just  _there_ , just like the rest of Sebastian and Kurt didn’t know why he found it funny that Sebastian and his dick came in one package. Maybe it was the whole double meaning of ‘package’, maybe he hadn’t expected the first time he’d feel Sebastian’s dick to be something completely matter of fact. Either way, when he started laughing into Sebastian’s mouth, Sebastian pulled away looking offended.  
  
“What?” he asked.  
  
“Nothing,” Kurt said, shaking his head.  
  
“Are you laughing at me?”  
  
“No.”  
  
Sebastian looked at him dubiously for a second before he decided they’d make better use of their time kissing and started to lean forward again but it only made the head of his cock nudge at the side of Kurt’s hip and he snorted, actually feeling a little immature this time around.  
  
“What the fuck is up with you?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“I’m just tired,” Kurt said and it wasn’t an outright lie. His eyes were dropping with exhaustion.  
  
Sebastian sighed. “Me too. But I don’t want to leave yet.”  
  
“So don’t,” Kurt said. “Stay with me.”  
  
The pause that followed was tense for some reason, Kurt had a feeling Sebastian was thinking of how he’d yelled at Kurt for not letting them share a bed that morning. Sure enough, he shook his head and said, “Kurt, I don’t want you to feel like you have to -”  
  
“I don’t feel obligated if that’s what you’re thinking.” Kurt said firmly. “I’m asking you to stay because I want you to.” He pressed their foreheads together and brushed his lips along the corner of Sebastian’s mouth. “Following those crazy emotions and everything.”  
  
Sebastian still looked doubtful. “You sure?” he asked.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
His face finally broke into a smile. “Okay,” he said. “Lemme get my phone. It’s got my alarm.”  
  
Kurt nodded and accepted a quick kiss before Sebastian slipped away. He settled down on the bed and switched off the light, trying to think of reasons why this could be a mistake and when nothing popped to mind, he felt relieved. Sebastian returned, fiddling with his phone and using the glare to light his way in the dark room before he set it aside on his bedside table and lay down  next to Kurt.  
  
“This isn’t so bad,” Kurt said.  
  
“Mm.”  
  
“Everything that happened today? I’m glad it did.”  
  
Sebastian’s face was obscured by the dark but Kurt could make out the faint hint of a smile. “Me too,” he said.  
  
A hand reached out and brush against Kurt’s bicep lightly as if waiting for him to flinch away from the touch. He didn’t. Sebastian shifted closer, just enough so he wouldn’t have to stretch his arm out to reach for Kurt and this thumb slipped past the sleeve of Kurt’s t-shirt to trace along his forearm in tiny circles. It was just as soothing as the hands in his hair had been except this time around, the combination of the soft mattress beneath him and the coolness of the dark made him even more boneless than he’d felt in the park.  
  
Sebastian didn’t stick to monotonous circles; his thumb would shift from the circles to slow back and forth motions before turning into figures eights, the combination of the different patterns sending tiny, delicious tremors through Kurt. Somehow, Sebastian fell asleep before Kurt, his hand dropping away from Kurt’s arm to rest heavily on his stomach instead and when the weight became uncomfortable, Kurt pushed it away, letting it thump onto the bed between them. He felt sorry for a moment but Sebastian snuffled and threw a leg out, hooking his ankle over Kurt’s before his breathing became even once more and Kurt figured he was okay.  
  
It took him a long time to fall asleep despite how tired he was but when he did, he could still feel the phantom brush of Sebastian’s thumb against his skin and the more solid weight of his ankle against Kurt's. It made him smile. 


	15. Chapter 15

 

Kurt jerked awake at the sound of Sebastian’s alarm going off. It was far from the worst wakeup call he’d ever got but it didn’t stop the racing in his heart from being woken up unexpectedly. He could feel Sebastian shuffling around on the bed next to him, reaching bleary eyed for his phone. Once the sound cut off and the room was enveloped in silence once more, Sebastian thumped back down against his pillow and groaned. Kurt, who was already starting to slip back into the blissful realms of sleep, turned his back to him and closed his eyes.

The sheets rustled and a second later, a knee jammed into the back of Kurt’s shin. He groaned half in frustration, half in pain but Sebastian only slid in closer, bringing an arm to wrap around Kurt’s waist.

“Dntchoo have tgeddup?” Kurt mumbled, his lips barely parting enough to form words.

“J’s a few minutes.” Sebastian said, pressing his forehead against the back of Kurt’s neck. Kurt hummed, letting Sebastian throw a leg over his own and snuggle closer. He lost track of time but when the heat of two bodies pressing together became uncomfortably hot and Kurt shifted on to his back, he found that Sebastian had fallen into a deep sleep with no apparent intention of getting up again.

Kurt could have let him sleep on but he knew Sebastian would be late for work if he did. Feeling irritated that he had to play the role of the responsible one in the situation, he nudged Sebastian’s side with an elbow and said, “Hey – geddup.” Sebastian pressed his face into Kurt’s chest and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like  _in a minute_  but Kurt gave his shoulder a firm shake and said, “You already took a few minutes. Gedd _up_.”

Sebastian rolled away from Kurt, flopping onto his stomach on the other side of the bed. Kurt could hear him grumbling to himself as he reached for his phone again, tapping at it to light up the screen. When he saw the time, he bolted back on to his knees, narrowly avoiding falling off the bed. “Fuck!”

“Told you,” Kurt said as Sebastian got to his feet and started stumbling towards the door. By the time the bathroom door thumped shut behind him in the hall, Kurt was already asleep.

He was awoken a short while later by a freshly showered, fully dressed Sebastian stroking his fingers gently along Kurt’s cheek. Kurt opened his eyes slowly, his eyelids feeling heavy and tilted his head to look up at him. “What?”

“Gimme a kiss, I’m leaving.” Sebastian said, leaning down and Kurt had just enough sense to pull back before their lips touched.

“Ew,” he said, wrinkling his nose. Sebastian looked both amused and slightly hurt but there was no way Kurt was going to kiss him like this. His lips were dry and chapped and he had morning breath. Even a little peck was out of the question.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked, his fingers curling around thin air where Kurt’s cheek had been a second ago.

Kurt shook his head and said, “It’s just gross.”

Sebastian started to laugh then, the sound filling up the room, drowning out the muffled noise of traffic and morning bustle outside the windows. “Oh baby, I’ve seen you when you’re gross and trust me  _this_  -” he gestured a hand along Kurt’s body “– isn’t gross.” Kurt didn’t get a chance to pull back this time but Sebastian only kissed his cheek. “Go back to sleep,”

Kurt wanted to point out how that was no longer a possibility thanks to Sebastian waking him up multiple times already but all he did was wave a hand as Sebastian disappeared out the door and turn his face into the nearest pillow. It didn’t take much to figure out the pillow was Sebastian’s, it smelled strongly of him and Kurt found himself pressing his nose further into the softness of it.

Somehow, he managed to go back to sleep anyway.

_

The apartment seemed quiet without Sebastian but it didn’t feel empty. In fact, without Sebastian around, Kurt realized he had hours stretching ahead of him where he could explore every square inch of the place, pull out all the little secrets hidden under the beds and deep in the closets without anyone hovering over him. It was a new kind of freedom and it might have been crazy, but it felt like the walls themselves were exuding a silent sort of encouragement.

Of course Kurt didn’t really have to dig too deep; the first thing he saw when he opened the guest bedroom was Sebastian’s laptop lying on the pile of rumpled sheets in the middle of the bed and well, that was secretive enough.

It wasn’t password protected when Kurt opened it. He bit his lip, hand hovering over the sleek black keys as he tried to convince himself this wasn’t really an invasion of privacy. Sebastian knew the password to Kurt’s laptop, he’d known the contents of his files well enough to navigate through them flawlessly when the two of them had been going through pictures together so it wasn’t like Kurt was doing something wrong. He’d probably browsed through Sebastian’s laptop plenty of times before. They were husbands. They shared stuff, right?

Somehow, the logic still felt wrong but Kurt couldn’t push away the burning curiosity to find out what Sebastian had been looking at. “Please don’t be porn.” He said aloud as he pushed back the screen to a more comfortable angle and clicked on the first open window.

There was no porn in sight, thank god. Most of the windows had pictures of him and Sebastian from different albums, Sebastian’s browser was open to an unfinished email addressed to Kate Ryerson and another window at the bottom of the screen was labelled  _Trinity Shit_. What caught Kurt’s attention though were he tabs next to Sebastian’s open Gmail account. They all seemed to center around one theme; _Help! Where’d My Memories go?!, How to Handle a Family Member With Amnesia, What Is Retrograde Amnesia?, Coping with Amnesia, Flashbacks and PTSD Explained, Memory: What Can You Do to Trigger It?_

Kurt flicked through the articles, skimming the text but not really taking anything in. His chest ached in the dull way it sometimes did when the emotion was too complicated for him to do anything other than just _feel_  it. Kurt knew Sebastian had been trying as hard he could to help him regain his memories but the image of him curled up in bed with these stupid articles, the thought that in his desperation he’d turned to advice from websites that listed down steps to recovering memory as if it were as simple as rebooting a computer made the situation so much more painful.

It was apparent that Sebastian hadn’t just been reading these articles, he’d taken them as serious guidelines. Some of the tips they had given were things Sebastian had actually tried with Kurt – going to familiar places, browsing through pictures with detailed explanations, playing favorite songs...

At least Sebastian had made everything seem less mechanical than it sounded on paper.

When he could no longer take the cheerful stories of patients who had succeeded in regaining their memories, Kurt shut the laptop and stood up. He was sure by now that his memory was only temporarily blocked, but he couldn’t help thinking that those very stories had been what built up false expectations in Sebastian. It explained why he’d snapped yesterday when Kurt hadn’t snapped back to normal after their first kiss in the lounge. The articles made it look so  _easy_. It wasn’t.

Back in his bedroom, he dug through his closet for every piece of clothing with his initials on it and spread it out on the bed, intent on continuing through with his original plans of but halfway through looking at his own incomplete sketches, he decided he was too distracted to concentrate.

Eventually, he found himself on the couch, opening sub folder after sub folder on the screen in front of him until he got to his wedding file. He’d been putting it off for too long, both because he hadn’t felt ready and because he’d had a feeling Sebastian would be too hurt if Kurt sat down and watched one of the most important days in both their lives and didn’t remember anything. Now though, with the knowledge of exactly _how_ much effort Sebastian was putting into this relationship, into Kurt’s health, the need to give back as good as he was getting was too strong.

There were two videos, one titled  _Official_ , the other  _As Narrated by Blaine Anderson_. Intrigued, Kurt clicked the latter and a black screen popped up, Blaine’s dramatic voice filling the background. 

_“Ladies and Gentlemen, what you are about to witness is the exclusive, uncensored, behind the scenes footage of Sebastian Smythe and Kurt Hummel’s wedding. Join me, the man – the best man - Blaine Anderson as I take you through the nitty gritty of getting married. Watch the union of the man who swore he’d never love anyone but himself and the -”_

_“Oh shut up Blaine, nobody is going to watch that video except us.” Sebastian’s voice cut in._

_“And you sound like Rachel,” Kurt added._

_“Fuck you both.”_

Twenty minutes into the video, Kurt was glad he’d chosen this instead of the official. The clips weren’t just from the wedding, there were scenes that probably took place weeks before with people sitting around tables planning color schemes and going through seating arrangements. Some of the faces Kurt recognized others were completely unfamiliar. Blaine kept up a steady stream of comments throughout all the clips, an air of warmth and playfulness about them. There wasn’t a single scene where Kurt or Sebastian were acting happy out of obligation, in fact they were bickering with each other over trivial matters, swearing at Blaine to fucking _shut up_ , at things they bumped into while looking the other way, at the world in general rather than posing for the camera.

It made the whole ordeal of watching  _his wedding_ a lot less nerve wracking than Kurt had originally expected. It felt  _real_. Not magical, not something that looked like it had been taken out of someone else’s life but something that was so realistic, it actually reminded Kurt of the panic, the chaos, the way he’d been on edge while planning Burt and Carole’s wedding.

_“Oh man Kurt’s lost it.” Blaine said in between a laugh. The camera was focused in on Kurt standing next to a large man, both of them looking incredibly stressed out. Kurt was gesticulating wildly as he talked, not letting the other man get a single word edgewise. “I mean it was only a matter of time,” Blaine continued as he zoomed in on Kurt’s face. “Poor guy’s been way more stressed ever since Sebastian’s family started showing up and I don’t think he’s getting laid as much as he wants to.”_

_“Wouldn’t be too sure about that.”_

_Blaine swiveled to focus on Sebastian. The camera was zoomed in too much so all that actually came out of it was a close up of Sebastian’s left eye and a flash of cheek before Blaine turned focus back to Kurt and asked, “Shouldn’t you be calming him down or something?”_

_“Naah, Cameron’s a pain in the ass. He probably deserves whatever he’s getting.”_

_“Sebastian!” Kurt called out when he caught sight of him._

_“Yes, baby?”_

_“Did you speak to Cameron about the additional fifteen people we have to feed for the next five days?”_

_“Fuck,” Sebastian breathed._

_“You are screeeewwweddd,” Blaine teased._

_“Fuck. Blaine – save me.”_

_“SEBASTIAN TELL ME YOU  -”_

_“Blaine save me.” Sebastian said in an urgent voice, louder than Kurt’s own since he was standing right next to the camera._

_“Oh no, you’re on your own man.”_

Kurt almost felt sorry for Sebastian as he watched his own face cloud over with rage on screen, realizing that’s what he must have looked like every time Finn messed up any part of his immaculate planning for their parent’s wedding.

_“Hey Kurt, how about a smile -” Blaine said as Kurt stalked past him after Sebastian._

_“Not now Blaine,” Kurt said, elbowing the camera as he went. “SEBASTIAN COME BACK HERE!”_

Despite the feverish preparations, there were moments which embodied all the warmth and happiness that weddings brought. Moments when Blaine hid away in corners and filmed Sebastian sleeping curled against Kurt’s side exhausted after a day of entertaining guests, when their friends would sit outside after dinner and sing with Kurt sitting between Sebastian’s legs, when they were all dancing to some thumping bass in the background and shouting at Kurt and Sebastian to stop making out.

_“For god’s sake you get married in three days! Keep it in your pants!”_

_“Fuck off Kate,” Sebastian said, breaking away from the kiss to glare at his cousin. “Or do you want me to talk about what I found you and John doing in the pool house the night before **your** wedding?”_

_“Ooh he got you there,” Blaine said even as Kate threw him a vicious glare._

_“You weren’t even there. He could be lying for all you know.”_

_“But I’m not Katy and you know it.”_

_Kate turned back to Sebastian and shook her head. “You play dirty Sebby.”_

_Sebastian gave her a smug smile before sliding his hand around the back of Kurt’s head and dropping his gaze to Kurt’s mouth. “Now if you’ll excuse us...”_

It wasn’t until Kurt saw himself getting dressed for his wedding that he started to feel the beginnings of nervousness. It just bloomed in his stomach out of nowhere as if he were actually standing in front of the mirror like he was on screen, struggling with his cravat. The suit at least, had Kurt’s instant approval and for a moment he just looked himself over, thankful for the full head to toe shot Blaine took of him that allowed him to appreciate the outfit in its entirety.

It might have been obnoxious but Kurt couldn’t help but think  _I look pretty damn fabulous._

What he also looked was pretty damn nervous.  

_“Aw, are you nervous?” Blaine asked. “Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I just visited Seb and he’s freaking out. Wouldn’t even let me film him.”_

_“Yeah Kurt, it’s totally normal. You saw me at my wedding.” Finn added._

_Burt laughed from somewhere in the background. “Finn, don’t compare yourself to your brother. You were sweating through your suit.”_

_Kurt was silent throughout the whole exchange. Eventually, Blaine said “Finn, hey, can you hold this for a sec?”_

_“Sure.”_

The camera shook as it was handed over to Finn, Burt’s voice warning him to not drop it, and a second later, Blaine came into the shot, moving to stand in front of Kurt and draw his fumbling hands away from his neck. In the few more seconds the clip lasted, Blaine continued to talk to Kurt in a low, soothing tone. What he was saying was difficult to make out but Kurt was nodding along, lips pressed tightly together as if to keep himself from crying.

He wasn’t sure, but Kurt thought he head himself say _there was a time when I thought it’d be you_. Whether he was joking or being serious, he couldn’t tell because his face was blocked out by Blaine leaning up for a hug and Burt moving into the shot with his own arms outstretched. The scene cut there, transitioning into what seemed to be the wedding reception. Kurt was thrown off for a few seconds – where was the actual ceremony? The vows and the cake and the first dance? For one wild moment, he thought that none of it had happened before his brain caught up with him and he realized that the gaps were probably covered up in the official video.

The current shot was of Kurt and Sebastian slow dancing among a swarm of other couples. If there had been any doubt about whether Kurt was still thinking about Blaine on his wedding day, it was gone the second Kurt saw the way both he and Sebastian were wrapped around each other with blissful smiles. They’d lost their suit jackets and ties so it must have been some time after the actual reception. From what Kurt could make out of the other couples, most of them were faces of close friends and family; Rachel and her boyfriend, Burt and Carole, Christopher and Nicole, Kate and John, Finn and what must have been his wife. They were all cut off when the camera zoomed in on Kurt and Sebastian.

_Kurt’s head was tucked right beneath Sebastian’s chin, cheek pressed to his collarbone and their arms around each other. His face was flushed, probably a mixed result of the alcohol he’d consumed, the exertion of the faster dances that had preceded this one and just the general glow of happiness._

_“Awwww man,” Blaine said, his voice a little slurred. He was definitely tipsy. “You guys look too cute and I don’t want to bug you but this is the grand finale so -”_

_Kurt pulled away from Sebastian when Blaine got close enough and shook his head, giving him a fond smile. “You’re still walking around with that thing?”_

_“You’ll thank me later.” Blaine said. “Now tell me. Sebastian – are you happy?”_

_“No Blaine, I am devastated,” Sebastian said with a completely serious face. “This asshole has forever robbed me of my bachelor charm. I can already feel the loss.” Kurt laughed and gave Sebastian’s arm a light punch but Sebastian only tightened his arms around Kurt’s body._

_“You never had any bachelor charm,” Kurt said._

_“I had plenty.”_

_“Please, you walked around with_ too scared for commitment  _branded on your face_.  _Kind of overrode the charm part. ”_

_“And I suppose my fear of commitment is why I married you?”_

_“You married me because I have impeccable taste in everything and the fact that I somehow chose you flattered your ego.”_

_Either Sebastian didn’t have a response to that or he just chose instead to dip his head down and kiss Kurt in lieu of answer. Blaine didn’t let them get too into it before he said, “That’s cute and everything but you never answered my question.” A hand reached out to poke Sebastian’s forearm. “Are you happy?”_

_“Of course I’m happy you idiot.” Sebastian said, turning to grin at Kurt and nuzzling his nose._

_“Is this what you thought being married would feel like?”_

_“It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet, Blaine. Let me get back to you on that one.”_

_“Yeah, he’ll let you know when the chains settle in around his hands.” Kurt said._

_“That’ll be sooner than he might think,” Sebastian said with a suggestive wink. Kurt rolled his eyes before leaning in to press his cheek against Sebastian’s shoulder, their bodies swaying from side to side as they danced._

_“No innuendos. I’m going for a romantic ending, here.” Blaine warned. “So Kurt – was your wedding everything you’ve ever wanted it to be?”_

_Kurt nodded, a content smile spreading across his lips. “Mmhm.”_

_“It was perfect?”_

_“Better.” His eyes fluttered shut when Sebastian leaned down and brushed a kiss to his temple._

_“Am I your Prince Charming, Kurt?” Sebastian teased._

_“Not even close.”_

_Sebastian scowled but Blaine said, “Prince charming or not, Kurt -- Are **you** happy?”_

_Kurt didn’t joke with his answer. His arms slid up and around Sebastian’s shoulders, hugging him close and when he opened his eyes, they were glazed over a bit. “I’m married,” he whispered._

_“And that makes you happy?”_

_Sebastian couldn’t see Kurt’s expression since his face was turned away. The most he could do was press his cheek to the top of Kurt’s head and wait for his reply. The anticipation was clear on his face._

_“He makes me happy,” Kurt said, curling his hand around Sebastian’s bicep._

_Sebastian’s face morphed into a wide grin. “Do I?”_

_“Miraculously, yes.”_

_“Does that mean you’ve forgiven me for the cake?” Sebastian asked, kissing the top of Kurt’s head._

_“I haven’t forgiven, nor have I forgotten.” Kurt pointed at the camera, looking straight at it. “This little thing can bear witness. I. Will. Get my revenge.”_

_“Oooh pointing, I like it! You remember my lessons well, Kurt!” someone called out from the background._

_“And on that note from Cooper Anderson,” Blaine said, the eye roll hidden in his tone. “I end this amazing account of Kurt Hummel and Sebastian Smythe’s wedding. I bet you it’s a million times better than the boring official crap. Now go on, kiss and stuff so the audience have something to hold on to.”_

_“I told you nobody is going to watch this except us, Blaine.” Sebastian said but he didn’t resist when Kurt leaned up just a little to kiss him. In fact, he seemed to forget Blaine was standing there because his hand came up to cup Kurt’s jaw, tilting his head back so he could kiss him deeper. Kurt whispered something against his lips which made Sebastian laugh so hard, he had to break the kiss for a few seconds and press his face into Kurt’s neck._

_“I love these two idiots,” Blaine said in a low voice as Sebastian and Kurt continued to kiss lazily in between hushed conversation. “And I hope you idiots have a good life.”_

Kurt sat completely still after the screen switched back to main page. His brain was hurling questions too fast for him to actually take time out and think of the answers; Cooper Anderson – was he the brother Blaine never talked about? How did Kurt not remember meeting Blaine’s brother? Had they managed to find alternate catering arrangements for the fifteen extra people? What had Sebastian done with the cake to make Kurt want revenge? How exactly  _had_ he been planning his revenge? What was Finn’s wife’s name? What was the joke Christopher had promised to tell once Blaine shut his camera off? What song had he and Sebastian danced to the first time as a married couple? How had Sebastian looked in his complete wedding suit?   

He might as well have watched a really unfulfilling movie with tons of loopholes and a cliff-hanger ending for all the questions he still had. Blaine’s video had contained no details, just snippets of everything. Kurt didn’t even know the wedding venue. If he wanted, he could have watched the official video to fill in the gaps but there were more than enough things to digest as it was. Blaine, Sebastian,  _himself_ and the way he'd looked - as if Sebastian was the best thing to ever happen to him.

His cell phone vibrated on the coffee table, the screen lighting up with an incoming call from Sebastian, accompanied by a picture of him Kurt didn’t remember taking. Judging by the angle, it looked like Sebastian had taken it himself.

Smiling, Kurt pulled himself from his jumbled thoughts and answered it. “Hey,”

“Hey Kurt," Sebastian's voice made him feel happier than it should have under normal circumstances. Maybe Blaine's idea of ending the video on a romantic note had been more effective than he'd thought. "You missing me?” Sebastian asked, the words were barely out of his mouth before somebody shouted from behind him. Kurt heard was a burst of static as Sebastian shuffled around and shouted back, “Just let me eat a fucking sandwich, I’ll be there in ten minutes!”

Kurt laughed when Sebastian turned back to the phone, swearing. “I think the real question here is, are you missing  _me_?”

“Is that a trick question?” Sebastian asked.

“You’re pretty slow with the answers, might as well be.”

“Yes, I miss you.” Sebastian said, giving up the banter quicker than Kurt had expected. “First day back after a week and I’m already going crazy. How’re you doing? Make any progress with work?”

Kurt looked up at the TV screen and said, “Yeah. A bit.”

“Maman helping you?”  Sebastian asked with a mouthful of what must have been his sandwich.

“No, it’s just me at the moment.”

“You sound distracted.”

“I’m counting how many times you woke me up this morning.”

It was Sebastian’s turn to laugh. “Sorry but in my defense, that last time would’ve only taken a second if you hadn’t freaked out about a little goodbye kiss as much as you did.”

“I didn’t freak out -”

“Sure you did.”

“It was  _gross_ , Sebastian.”

“It’s routine, Kurt.” There was a pause where Kurt thought he heard the same hint of hurt in Sebastian’s voice that he’d seen on his face that morning but a second later, it was gone. “We’ll stick to kissing cheeks until you get past your hygiene issues but you might want to get used to it because I’m not giving up that routine. I happen to like it.”

“Never took you for a routine person.”

“I’m not.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Someone shouted Sebastian’s name again and he groaned, not bothering with a responding shout this time. His voice was rushed when he spoke next and it was obvious he was swallowing large bites of his sandwich as he talked. “Don’t make dinner tonight, okay?”

“Why not?”

“Because Mondays are my turn.”

“Sebastian I’m free, I can -”

“No. Mondays are mine. I want to.”

“What was that about not being a routine person?”

“I’ll see you tonight, baby.”

-

When Sebastian got home, he found Kurt sitting on the couch, red faced and laughing with his hand covering most of his face. Sebastian instantly recognized the dance off the two of them were having on screen; it had been some time after all the formalities had been taken care of at their wedding and their friends had pushed them onto the dance floor to do something ‘crazy’. Kurt always insisted he’d won but Sebastian continued to reassure himself that he had been the better dancer by  _far_ even if some of his moves had caused the elder members of the audience to blush and turn away. He hadn’t cared - not when Kurt’s eyes had glinted playfully and he’d given back just as good as Sebastian gave him.

Dropping his keys and bag, Sebastian moved to take a seat next to Kurt. Kurt didn’t look up at him; he was watching the rest of the dance through the gaps in his fingers, shoulders shaking with laughter. It was only when the song ended and his onscreen self turned to pull Sebastian into a hug much to the hooting and clapping of his friends that Kurt tore his eyes away from the screen and lowered his hand.

“Hey,” he said when he finally looked at Sebastian.

“Hi,” Sebastian replied. He leaned in for a kiss that Kurt accepted with much less hassle than he had that morning. He even brought a hand up to brush his fingers along Sebastian’s jaw for the few seconds their lips remained connected before he pulled back. The kiss had been short but it had done exactly what after work kisses were meant to do - drain the tension of the day from Sebastian’s body even if it was just for a little while. “So I see you finally got around to watching our wedding,” he said after he’d settled back against the couch.

“Yeah,” Kurt said, turning his eyes to the screen where Rachel and Blaine had stepped up to perform a song they’d composed for him and Kurt. “Is that - did they write that?” Kurt asked when the lyrics registered with him.

Sebastian nodded. “Blaine came up with the music, Rachel with the lyrics.”                                                                                                                 

“Wow.” Kurt breathed.

“I know.” Sebastian said, his eyes trained on Kurt’s face, at the awe present in his features.

They were silent for a while during which the camera panned to Kurt and Sebastian watching the performance with damp eyes. Once it was over, Sebastian took the remote and paused the video.

“I was watching that, you know.” Kurt said.

“I know. But why make do with a digital version of me when you have the real thing right here?” Sebastian asked with a wink.

“Sorry to burst your bubble but you weren’t exactly the center of my attention.”

“You’re saying that  _I_ wasn’t the center of your attention in  _our_ wedding video?”

Kurt smiled and shook his head. “There were far more interesting things to see.”

“Like?”

“Like Finn’s daughter and that original song and the table centrepieces -”

“You’d choose looking at table centerpieces over your gorgeous husband?” Sebastian asked, his offended tone only half joking.

“Gorgeous?” Kurt said raising an eyebrow. “The  _centrepieces_  were gorgeous.” He reached across Sebastian’s lap for the remote. “Now, if you’re done needling me for ego boosting statements, I want to get back to this and try to remember more about them.”

“Good luck with that,” Sebastian said, standing up just as the video resumed playing. “If you need any help with remembering stuff, I’m sure the centerpieces will answer all your questions.”

Kurt’s foot caught the back his shin as he passed, pressing in just hard enough for a sharp pain to shoot up his leg. When Sebastian threw him a glare over his shoulder, Kurt grinned at him. “That’s payback for this morning.”

“Maybe the centerpieces should make your dinner too.” Sebastian called out as he headed towards the bedroom.

_

“So,” Kurt said, spreading a napkin on his lap after they’d sat down at the table. “How was your day?”

Sebastian paused with a forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth. Kurt’s expression was formal, his posture awkward and stiff as he waited for Sebastian’s reply. “Kurt,” Sebastian said, trying to hide a smile. “What are you doing?”

“I’m asking you how your day was,” Kurt said with the same stiff formality.

“Like a butler asking if I’d like him to pour me some more wine.”                                                                                                                                     

Kurt looked away, his cheeks going a bit pink. “I figured that’s what we did. Sat down at dinner and talked about our day like -”

“A married couple?” Sebastian finished for him. He couldn’t help the fond smile that spread across his lips at the thought of how Kurt was probably basing his ideas of their marriage on the experience of all the romantic movies he’d ever watched. “ _This_  is definitely not how we talk about our day.” Sebastian said, gesturing to the neatly laid out table. “We’re not this civilized. We’ve tried but our crazy schedules don’t really give us the luxury of ‘proper dinners’.”

“How does it usually happen then?” Kurt asked.

“We talk in between brushing our teeth and taking a dump.”

Of course Sebastian wasn’t exactly telling the truth, but it was worth it to see Kurt’s face scrunch up in disgust. “Ew!” Sebastian burst out laughing. “You are disgusting. We’re  _eating_ for god’s sake.”

“I’m sorry, are you still in our honeymoon phase?” Sebastian said with a grin. “Did I shatter the romance of our wedding with real life?”

Kurt glared at him, his cheeks a flaming red either from anger or embarrassment. Sebastian took a bite of his pasta and took mercy on the images that must have been tormenting Kurt at the moment. “I’m kidding,” he said, rolling his eyes when the intensity of Kurt’s gaze only increased.

“Remind me to never ask you any questions again,” Kurt said, turning back to his plate.

Sebastian considered him for a second, remembering the tip given in one of the articles he’d come across while doing his research on treating amnesia. It had said something along the lines of repeating familiar behaviors to trigger memories.  He and Kurt didn’t have a fixed pattern to how they had dinner or talked about their day. Very rarely, it was like how it was right now; sitting at a table and talking in between bites of food. Sometimes, when one of them would run a hot bath they’d talk while sipping wine and soaking in hot water and relaxing bath oils. On one occasion, they’d had a frustrated conversation about their bosses while having sex until it had hit Sebastian that Kurt was talking about his mother while attempting to undo Sebastian’s shirt and that had effectively killed the conversation - and his boner. 

That wasn’t a scenario Sebastian could repeat at the moment but he could still choose from some of the less eventful nights. Even if it didn’t make Kurt remember anything explicit, it would still be better than feeding his misguided fantasies of their day to day lives.

“Where are you going?” Kurt asked as Sebastian pushed back his chair and stood up. “Whoa!” he said, dropping his fork when Sebastian pulled off his shirt in one swift move. “What’re you -”

“Come on,” Sebastian said, picking up his plate and moving towards the couch. Kurt didn’t follow immediately but by the time Sebastian had finished fiddling around with his iPod settings to get it to an appropriate playlist, Kurt was standing beside the couch with his food in his hands, looking dubious.

“What are we doing?” he asked when Sebastian sat down.

“What we normally do,” Sebastian said, nodding to the empty space next to him.

“Do you normally have dinner without a shirt?”

“Yes,” Sebastian said, taking a bite of pasta and shooting Kurt a wide grin. The second Kurt had taken a seat, he swung his legs up to rest his feet in Kurt’s lap and settled back against the armrest. “You know Rick the Dick yelled at me twice today?” he said much to the surprised look on Kurt’s face. “Thank god for Jon or I would have lost my shit and quit right on the spot. We can’t really afford for me to lose my job right now but Jesus sometimes I just want to kick the guy in his fucking balls. Like, what more do you expect from me? I did everything you fucking told me to. I came to work even while my husband was in the hospital and all I took were five days off but he goes ahead and acts like I’ve been on a freaking vacation this whole time.”

Kurt was staring at him, just staring at him like he was some unknown creature descended from outer space.  “Can you pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow?" Sebastian continued. "I'd do it myself but I won't have time. I'm going to head over to the gym after work because if Rick the Dick keeps this up I'll need a way to blow off steam and I'm already picking up groceries on the way home so...”

He turned back to his food and took another couple of large bites while Kurt continued to stare at him. His expression had gone from utterly confused to suspicious but after a moment, he smiled. “I see,” he said.

“You see what?” Sebastian asked in between a mouthful of pasta.

“Apart from your horrible table manners -”

“We’re not at the table anymore.”

“- I see what you’re doing.”

“And what’s that?”

Kurt took a bite from his own plate and unlike Sebastian he swallowed before saying, “Those articles make it sound easier than it actually is, you know.”

Sebastian’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You went through my computer.” It wasn’t a question; there was no other way Kurt could have known.

Kurt nodded, looking hesitant all of a sudden. “Should I be sorry? I figured it was okay to poke around seeing as you practically knew the contents of  _my_  laptop inside out.”

“It’s okay,” Sebastian said. “I hadn’t meant for you to see those articles but whatever, it’s not like it’s a secret how I’m trying to help you.”

“And I appreciate that,” Kurt said. “But don’t get your hopes up too high because it doesn’t work that way.”

“I know,” Sebastian said. “But it’s worked a few times so far. There must be some credibility in their methods.”

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t trust them so completely. It’ll only lead to frustration when they don’t work.”

“But you trust me, right?”

Kurt glanced up at him and smiled, “I guess.”

“Good,” Sebastian said, shoving some more pasta into his mouth. “Then trust  _my_  methods.”

“Methods that involve taking off your shirt? What exactly are you trying to accomplish by that anyway?”

Sebastian grinned, curving his toes so they brushed the side of Kurt’s thigh. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

Kurt pushed Sebastian’s feet off his lap, unbalancing him all of a sudden and it was all Sebastian could do to not tumble to the floor. “Not as much as you’d like,” Kurt said smoothly, setting his plate on his lap where Sebastian’s feet had been seconds ago. “I just don’t understand the point.”

“Who knows how my bare chest and this couch can spark some more memories,” Sebastian said, sitting up straighter.

He thought he heard Kurt say  _I could do without any more of those, thank you_  but he wasn’t sure. What he was sure about was that when Kurt pointed his fork at his plate and said, “This is actually pretty good,” what he meant it was fucking  _fantastic_. It reminded Sebastian of the first couple of times he’d cooked for Kurt, back when Kurt was still reserved when it came to giving him open compliments.

“Don’t hold back on the praise,” he said with a grin. “I know you are secretly trying to figure out what I put in the sauce. Just a heads up, I’m not going to tell you.”

Kurt narrowed his eyes at him for a second before he shook his head and turned back to his plate. “So I take it that Rick the Dick is your boss?”

“Yep. He hates me.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?”

“Because you’re disrespectful, obnoxious and too smart for your own good?”

Sebastian grinned in response. “You know me so well - even without your memories. But in my defense, I’m not directly disrespectful. If anything, I give the dick more respect than he deserves but I just don’t  _like_ him and when I don’t like people - well, you know how I tend to come off.”

Kurt laughed, “Oh I know.”

“So how was  _your_ day honey?” Sebastian asked in an overly cheerful tone that made Kurt’s jaw tighten in irritation.

“It was informative,” he replied.

“I thought you were going to concentrate on work-related stuff. How’d you go from fashion trends and Kurt Hummel couture to snooping around other people’s laptops and our wedding?” 

Kurt shrugged, “I was in the mood.”

“You couldn’t have waited to watch it with me?”

“I wanted to watch it on my own,” Kurt said and there was something in his tone that told Sebastian there was a deeper reason for that than Kurt just not wanting Sebastian’s comments to ruin everything.

“Did you see Blaine’s unofficial version?”                                                                      

Kurt’s face broke into a smile, “I watched that one first. I loved it.”

“Yeah?” Sebastian asked hopefully. “What did you think of the actual ceremony?”

There was a pause during which Kurt finished up the rest of his dinner and leaned forward to set his empty plate on the coffee table. “It wasn’t exactly the dream wedding I had in my mind at eighteen,” he said, unaware of how Sebastian’s heart plummeted at his words. “But the changes were a pleasant enough surprise. I guess that pretty much speaks for the rest of my life as well.”

When his words registered with Sebastian, his face broke into a grin. “Is there a hidden compliment there somewhere?” he said. “Are you saying being married to me is a  _pleasant surprise_?” Kurt ignored him, though he couldn’t quite suppress his smile. It made Sebastian’s whole body glow with warmth. “Well you’ve certainly changed your tune,” he said.

“Who says I was talking about our marriage?” Kurt said, standing up and heading towards the dining table.

“Don’t tell me the pleasant surprise is something ridiculous like our colorful key bowl by the door.” Sebastian called after him.

Kurt poured himself a glass of water and leaned against a chair, eyes glinting with the same playfulness Sebastian recalled from their little dance off when he said, “That  _is_ a pretty beautiful bowl.”

If Sebastian wasn’t so fucking happy to have Kurt right in front of him joking in the easy, flirty way that was definitely still new to him but intimately familiar to Sebastian, he would have responded with another quip. But all he could do was walk over to Kurt and dip his head down to kiss the corner of his mouth.

“I’ve missed coming home to you,” he said in a low voice, reaching out to touch Kurt’s cheek.

Kurt’s expression softened with understanding. But Sebastian was certain he couldn’t possibly have any idea how horrible it had been for him to come home to an empty apartment on the odd nights when Burt or Blaine had managed to push him to go home and rest instead of staying at the hospital. Kurt would never know how he’d felt when he’d opened the front door and found their apartment eerily silent, devoid of the buzz it always seemed to have whenever Kurt was around, how he’d used Kurt’s body wash to surround himself in his husband’s smell, how he’d slept on Kurt’s side of the bed wearing Kurt’s pajamas and hugging Kurt’s pillow - anything in order to feel like he was there with him physically.

He cupped Kurt’s face in his hand, running his thumb along his cheekbone before leaning in to kiss him once more. But just like that morning, Kurt turned away at the last second except this time, he was pressing his lips together in an attempt to not smile. “Um,” he said when he turned back to meet Sebastian’s questioning gaze. “Can we not do this when you’re shirtless?”

Sebastian looked down at his bare chest, having forgotten he wasn’t wearing a shirt anymore. A laugh bubbled out of him at the realization and he took a step away from Kurt, reaching for his discarded t-shirt on the chair beside him. “This okay?” he asked once he’d pulled the shirt back over his head.

Kurt stepped forward in an obvious  _yes_ to his question, hand coming up to rest against the side of Sebastian’s neck. His lips were cool and slippery from the water he’d been sipping a moment ago but they meshed perfectly with Sebastian’s, pliant under his moving mouth. The warm, solid press of him against Sebastian’s body grounded him, reminded him of how at one point he’d thought he would have lost the chance to ever do this again. The wave of gratitude that washed through him at that made him push closer, wrap arm hand around Kurt’s back and bring the other hand to cradle his cheek. Kurt pressed into the touch, tilting his head and releasing his breath in a small exhale against Sebastian’s lips when they parted to allow his tongue to slip in. There was a lingering taste of tomato sauce in his mouth but beneath it all was a flavor that was completely and uniquely  _Kurt_.

He hadn’t realized how he’d pushed Kurt back against the table until a sudden  _thud_ broke through the silence around them followed by a yelp from Kurt who jerked forward against Sebastian’s chest. “What?” Sebastian asked, confused at the way Kurt’s face was twisting uncomfortably. Kurt stepped aside to reveal the glass he’d knocked over. The water was dripping off the edge of the table and had soaked through a deep patch at the back of Kurt’s shirt.

“It’s freezing,” Kurt said, pinching the material and pulling it away from his skin.

“Go change,” Sebastian said, setting the glass upright again. “I’ll clean this up.”

When Kurt came back out, Sebastian had cleared away the table and was starting the dishes. “Need some help?” he asked, leaning against the counter beside the sink.

“Actually,” Sebastian said. “Since I cooked dinner, you can do the honors.”

Kurt stared at the soapy sponge Sebastian offered him looking mildly surprised but he shook himself out of it quickly. “Sure,” he said, stepping into place when Sebastian moved away.

Sebastian grabbed a beer for himself from the fridge and watched Kurt work in silence for a few minutes, the music filling the background until Kurt asked, “So did we manage to find alternate arrangements for the fifteen extra people?”

“What?” Sebastian asked with a frown.

“In Blaine’s video there’s a part with someone called Cameron -”

“Oh! Oh, yeah. It wasn’t as big of a deal as you made it.”

“I’m pretty sure it was,” Kurt said looking skeptical.

“Naah. Cost a bit of extra money but we managed.” Sebastian said with a shrug, taking another swing from his bottle.

“Who were they?”

“The extras? Uninvited cousins.” Sebastian said with a roll of his eyes. “You were  _pissed_  until they went and made you fall in love with them.”

“You have a lot of cousins.” Kurt commented.

“Big family,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “My parents were the only one with a single child.”

“Did you want a sibling?” Kurt asked, glancing at him as if attempting to read the answer on his face.

“Not really,” Sebastian said. “I wasn’t exactly jealous of the snobby elder sisters and whiny younger brothers everyone else seemed to have.”

“You wouldn’t have liked to have a little kid to boss around?”

“She would have worshipped me, okay?” Sebastian said a little defensively. “Anyone would be lucky to have me looking out for them.”

A weird expression flashed on Kurt’s face; a look of amusement morphing into something softer, something unreadable. “So it would have been a  _she_ ,” he said, smile tugging at his lips. “You wanted a younger sister?”

“If it had happened, I would have preferred it to be a girl.”

“No one to compete with for daddy’s perfect son status?” Kurt said with a knowing look.

It both threw him off and made Sebastian inexplicably happy how Kurt was picking up on these small details about him. There was no way he was working on pure guesses.  Sebastian chose to believe that these observations were proof of how Kurt was getting his memories back in quiet, unnoticeable ways. He may not have remembered the exact conversations where Sebastian had revealed these parts of himself, but he still remembered - and it was enough.

“Yes,” Sebastian said with a smile. “I guess I wouldn’t have minded giving up being an only child as long as I got to hold on to being the only son. But obviously, I didn’t have to give up either of those since Maman could never get pregnant again.”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said, turning off the tap and wiping his hands on the small towel next the sink.

“No big deal,” Sebastian said with another shrug. “All that extra attention was focused on me. Besides, I had plenty of other kids to look after and boss around.”

“You’re close with your cousins?” Kurt asked.

“The fact that they crashed my wedding wasn’t enough of an indication?” Sebastian asked, following Kurt back to the couch.

“Doesn’t have to mean you’re on good terms. Maybe they were just there to make fun of Sebastian Smythe finally getting married.”

Sebastian’s eyes actually widened at the accuracy of his statement. Kurt was chuckling to himself but when Sebastian didn’t reply, he turned to look at him and frowned at the expression on his face. “What?”

“Kurt, you have - you have no idea do you?” Sebastian asked in a low voice.

Kurt looked confused. “About what?”

“You’re saying all of this incredibly accurate stuff without even realizing it,” Sebastian said with a small laugh.

“I am?”

“How did you know some of the idiots were there to make fun of me?” Sebastian asked.

“I don’t know. I just assumed -”

“You can’t have  _just assumed -_ ”

“Yes I could,” Kurt said sharply, all traces of a smile disappearing from his face. “You told me your first committed relationship was with me and that some of your family found the fact that you were getting married despite never considering it before hilarious.”

“Why are you being so harsh about this?” Sebastian asked, eyebrows creasing.

“I don’t want you to see progress where there’s none,” Kurt said in an exasperated voice.

“But that’s not true -”

“Look, I appreciate your help and yes I am  _thrilled_ that my memories have started coming back but don’t go around confusing information I’ve pieced together with stuff I’ve got second hand for actual memories.”

There was a tense pause after his words wherein Kurt stared at the opposite wall and Sebastian stared at Kurt. He took a deep breath before he shifted closer and laid a hand over Kurt’s on his knee. “Hey,” he said softly but Kurt didn’t meet his eyes. “Okay so maybe some of the stuff is brilliant guesswork but it still doesn’t change the fact that you know things about  _me_ that most others don’t know and I definitely haven’t told you after the accident.”

Kurt finally met his eyes. “Like what?”

“Seemingly little things,” he said. “Like me not wanting a brother to compete for the best son of the year award.”

“That’s not really -”

“Yes it is,” Sebastian said forcefully, cutting him off. “You don’t get it, Kurt. I’m a crazy private person when I want to be. I’ve had sex with people in dirty bathrooms without blinking an eye but I didn’t tell you my favorite color three months into us dating because it felt too personal.”

“That’s crazy.” Kurt said, face breaking into a small smile.

“Isn’t it?” Sebastian said with a grin. “The point is - you could have guessed a million reasons as to why I wanted a sister instead of a brother but you got the answer spot on. I don’t care if you got lucky, you picked up that little detail about me without blinking an eye.” Kurt sighed and leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes. “I know you want to be practical and not get too optimistic,” Sebastian said, “but give yourself credit where it’s due.”

Kurt didn’t say anything for a few seconds until he finally opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Sebastian. “That was a pretty mean thing to do,” he said. “Crash your wedding just to make fun of you. Didn’t it ruin all our preparations?”

Sebastian laughed, glad the tension had dissolved. “They weren’t mean, and they were willing to be cut out of any lists where they couldn’t be accommodated last minute. You ended up liking them.”

“Mm,” Kurt hummed, turning his eyes to the ceiling. “There’s so much I want to ask you,”

“The centerpieces not giving you satisfactory answers?” Sebastian teased.

“Sadly, no.”

“I thought so.”

Kurt smiled, lifting his head to let Sebastian slide an arm around his shoulders before settling back against him. “What did you do with the cake that made me mad at you?” he asked after a moment.

“You let it go!” Sebastian said.

“I’m pretty sure I said I haven’t forgiven or forgotten except that I  _have_ forgotten so - what did you do? You were well behaved in the official cake cutting so it must have happened off screen.”

“I made sure of it,” Sebastian said.

“What did you do?” Kurt pressed, sounding impatient.

Sebastian raised two fingers of his free hand in front of them and swiped them through the air over an invisible cake. Kurt’s lips parted, his eyes widening in horror. “Please tell me you didn’t - oh god,” he said when Sebastian slid the fingers down the side of Kurt’s face. “Oh my god, you didn’t just smear my with icing on my wedding day.”

“That wasn’t the end of it,” Sebastian said before he leaned in and licked back up the path his fingers had made.

“ _Gross_!” Kurt said, trying to squirm away but Sebastian had him trapped in place with the hand around his shoulder. He sucked kisses along the skin of Kurt’s cheek, nipping at the flesh only to soothe the sting with a sweep of his tongue. Kurt had stopped trying to squirm away but he was still making disgusted sounds except they came off as more breathless noises than anything disapproving. Once Sebastian was satisfied that the invisible icing had disappeared, he pulled away.

Kurt’s cheek was wet and shining, flushed a bright shade of red. The funny part was that the rest of his face was the exact some color. Sebastian grinned but Kurt ignored him, wiping his cheek with his hand before cleaning the spit off on Sebastian’s pants. “You are disgusting,” he said. “And I can’t believe you would do that in front of guests!”

“No one was looking except for our friends,” Sebastian said with a fond roll of his eyes. “Well them and your dad but hey, at least I helped you clean up.”

“It was our  _wedding_ Sebastian, not a birthday party!”

Sebastian grinned widely, “That’s exactly what you said to me then.”

“And I’ll also say that I’m going to get revenge.” Kurt said. “And it’s going to be ten times worse.”

“I wouldn’t mind you sucking my face,” Sebastian said.

Kurt pulled out of his arms and scooted towards the edge of the sofa, looking irritated but not angry. “Okay, no. I feel disgusting,” he said a second later and got to his feet. “I’m going to go wash my face. Don’t follow me.”

“You’re acting like I gave you the cooties,” Sebastian teased.

“ _You licked my face_.”

“It wasn’t the first time.”   
  
His laughter was still echoing around the apartment when Kurt slammed the bathroom door shut.

 


	16. Chapter 16

  
The next couple of weeks were - weird. Some days, Kurt would be warm, affectionate and optimistic about everything from his memories returning to getting back on track with his job. Those days were Sebastian’s favorite. He would take advantage of every second Kurt let him press up close to him and kiss him, hold him and whisper in to his ear. But then there were days when Kurt was cranky, distant and refused to so much as meet Sebastian’s eye.  
  
Burt had gone back to Ohio the Sunday after Kurt started going back to work. He wasn't working as much as he was shadowing others and trying to understand the flow of things but Sebastian knew Kurt was having a rough time. He wasn't understanding half the things going on, panicking every time people expected him to know the answer to something. Nicole wasn’t at the office personally so Kurt was under the guidance of his supervisor and fellow co-workers. Not being able to keep up frustrated him and even though he refused to talk to Sebastian about it most of the time, Sebastian knew how it was getting him down. He had enough proof of that from the snippets of conversation he'd heard of Kurt and Burt's phone calls.   
  
“Maybe you jumped back in too soon,” he said over dinner one night. Kurt had been quiet all evening and his eyes were constantly damp which couldn’t just have been because he was slicing onions. It broke Sebastian’s heart. “You could have taken a small fashion course or something instead. You’re pressuring yourself too much like this.”  
  
“I’m not,” Kurt said. “I’m not pressuring myself  _enough_.”  
  
“Do you seriously think what you’re doing is insufficient?” Sebastian asked. “Baby, you’re working your ass off day and night. There’s no way you can catch up with years of education and training in just a month. You have to -”  
  
“Are you done rubbing it all in my face?” Kurt asked sharply.  
  
“I’m not rubbing it in your -”  
  
“Well it definitely seems like it.” Kurt said. “I know exactly how much of my brain I’m lacking and I don’t need to have you of all people reminding me.”  
  
“You’re not lacking  _brains_ , Kurt.” But Kurt was already storming towards their bedroom, his half eaten plate of food abandoned next to Sebastian. The door slammed behind him and Sebastian stayed frozen for a few seconds before he pushed aside his own plate a little too roughly and dropped his head into his hands.  
  
He wasn’t exactly having the time of his life either. The firm he worked for was going through the process of rebranding, a stressful enough time for the people in Sebastian’s department but Sebastian had it worse because for some reason, his boss fucking  _hated_  him and nothing Sebastian did was good enough. There were days when Sebastian wanted to throw all sensibility out the window and quit his job, find someplace that didn’t make him want to break things.  
  
Everything would have been so much easier to deal with if he’d had Kurt supporting him like he’d always done before the accident. Not with empty promises of how he’d find someplace better, not with reassurances of how good a lawyer he was but with the simple proof how much he loved him and would stick with him no matter what he chose to do. Sebastian had always been a fan of speaking through touch and Kurt knew this fact well enough to say everything Sebastian needed to hear in brushes of his lips and the press of his hand against Sebastian’s body.  
  
Sebastian missed him so much sometimes. Missed that closeness, missed being able to say so much with so little. He missed him and then immediately felt guilty because Kurt was  _here_ , it wasn’t fair to separate this Kurt and pre-accident Kurt. But no matter how many times Sebastian repeated that little fact in his head, he still felt a crushing sense of loss in moments when Kurt didn’t pick up that there were things on Sebastian’s mind weighing him down and damn it, he  _needed_  Kurt to be more than just a presence around him, craved to be closer to him in ways stolen kisses or hugs wouldn’t let him be.  
  
Moments like Tuesday night when Sebastian went up to the roof and spent half an hour smoking only to come back down to Kurt’s disapproving expression.  
  
“You smoke?” he asked, sniffing the air and wrinkling his nose.  
  
Sebastian nodded, his face expressionless. “On occasion.”  
  
There were only ever two occasions; Sebastian either smoked at parties - less so now than he had during college - or when he was too stressed to work it off with a trip to the gym. And given the plethora of bad days Kurt had been having lately coupled with Sebastian’s own workload, today’s cigarettes were definitely because of stress. Kurt didn’t remember this bit of information because he crossed his arms and shook his head. “Do you have any idea how unhealthy that is for you?”  
  
“You’re one to talk,” Sebastian said. “You know the kind of stuff you’ve put into  _your_  system?” At Kurt’s surprised expression, he said, “Well then until you remember, you don’t get to give me crap for it.”  
  
“I’m sorry I didn’t know looking out for you made you so unbearable.”  
  
“Well, if you’re looking out for me, you’re doing it wrong.” Sebastian snapped.  
  
“Am I missing something here?”  
  
Sebastian looked at him and felt his anger waver. Kurt looked so lost, exasperated and confused and fuck, it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t remember how he was supposed to react in these situations. Of course he would nitpick the health hazards of smoking rather than recognize the emotional significance of the act for Sebastian. Holding him close and fucking him in slow thrusts until Sebastian couldn’t breathe was probably the last reaction on his mind.  
  
“Yes,” Sebastian said with a huff of breath.”You’re missing something.”  
  
“Well -” Kurt looked around the apartment, running a hand through his hair. “You’re going to have to tell me what that is otherwise I’m just going to go on assuming things.”  
  
“It’s nothing,” Sebastian said, making his way to the bathroom. “I’ll grab some air freshener for you to get rid of the smell.”  
  
Kurt followed him to the bathroom, looking unsatisfied with Sebastian’s reply. “Look, I’m honestly just trying to figure out why you would do that to your own body.”  
  
“I know you are,” Sebastian said, handing him the air freshener. “But don’t waste your time. There are more than enough things that need figuring out as it is.” He reached out and cupped Kurt’s face, dragging his thumb along Kurt’s temple and foolishly pleading that the touch would spark some sort of memory but when Kurt continued to do nothing but stare at him. Sebastian dropped his hand. “I’m going to shower now so unless you want a free show, I think you should leave.”  
  
Kurt stayed where he was, eyes trained on Sebastian’s face. His gaze was intense, searching desperately for the answers he wanted. Sebastian shrugged when he didn’t move and peeled off his t-shirt, reaching into the shower stall to turn on the hot water. Kurt stepped back when Sebastian moved to toss his shirt into the hamper behind the door but his eyes never left Sebastian’s face.  
  
“I’m going to take my pants off,” Sebastian said, popping the button on his jeans. “Now would probably be the time to leave.”  
  
“Wait,” Kurt said, looking distressed. “What’s going on?”  
  
Sebastian didn’t want to have this conversation. He wasn’t feeling strong enough to stand by and explain everything when he was so used to Kurt understanding him without explanation. It was selfish and childish, not to mention unfair but if Kurt couldn’t realize what Sebastian wanted without being told, then Sebastian wasn’t going to tell him. He gripped the doorframe next to Kurt’s shoulder and sighed. “Kurt, just leave please.”  
  
Kurt bit his lip, eyes still darting over every inch of Sebastian’s face. For a second, Sebastian thought that Kurt understood, that he remembered what smoking was symbolic of and that he would do  _something_  - kiss him, hug him - but Kurt nodded, his expression becoming stony and said, “Fine.”  
  
As Sebastian watched him leave, he felt his heart sink and kicked the bathroom door shut so hard the painting on the wall outside shook. He spent close to an hour under the spray, letting the hot water soothe the ache in his muscles. It was a poor substitute for how Kurt knew to take care of him but it was the only alternative he had.  
_  
  
Things continued to remain tense, waves of frustration and happiness that came and went so sporadically that Sebastian had no fucking clue what to do with it all. He didn't know what was causing the drastic mood swings in Kurt, what made him walk up to Sebastian and randomly wrap his arms around his back or what made him look at Sebastian like he was the sole cause of all his problems.   
  
Thursday morning, when he bent down to kiss Kurt’s cheek in standard goodbye, a hand came up to cup his jaw and keep him in place. Sebastian frowned, pulling back just enough to see the way Kurt’s eyes fluttered open, hazy with sleep and the color of the sea and sky locked in a twisting dance. Silently, Kurt tilted his head up and pressed his lips against Sebastian’s in a dry, but impeccably soft kiss.  
  
That little gesture left Sebastian buzzing with energy for the rest of day. But in the evening, when Kurt came back from work, he locked himself in the guest room (which was acting as his makeshift study) and refused to come out for hours. When their dinner arrived, he finally emerged from the room calmer and with a smile but by then Sebastian was too frustrated to brush his previous attitude off and they both went to bed without saying another word to each other.  
_  
  
“Have your memories been any more co-operative lately?” Sebastian asked as they were folding their laundry Saturday morning.  
  
Kurt ignored his question and picked up a pair of navy boxers from the basket. “Are these yours or mine?”  
  
“I don’t know. They look like yours.” Sebastian said with a shrug.  
  
“You have a pair exactly like these,” Kurt said, sounding more irritated than he should. “What if they’re yours?”  
  
“Then put them in my pile.” Sebastian said dryly.  
  
“What if they’re mine?”  
  
“Then put them in your fucking pile!” Sebastian snapped.” _Jesus_  Kurt, they’re just a pair of stupid boxers. The world isn’t going to end if they’re put in the wrong pile. It’s not like we haven’t shared clothing before.”  
  
“I doubt we share underwear,” Kurt said, looking only further irritated.  
  
It was that dismissal of something that they were so used to doing on occasion that made Sebastian's insides alight with irritation.  
  
“What, you don’t remember borrowing a pair of my boxers because yours were dripping with come?” he asked, taking a wild pleasure in the way Kurt’s face glazed over with horror that probably had more to do with Sebastian’s harsh tone than his actual words. “What about that time we were fucking and the pizza guy arrived? Remember how you grabbed my underwear off the floor so you could go answer the intercom? Or when we were -”  
  
“What the fuck is your problem?!” Kurt exclaimed, cutting him off. His face was flushed red and his eyes dark from anger.  
  
Sebastian threw the jeans he was supposed to be folding, sending a pile of neatly stacked shirts sliding to the ground. “You finish folding these, I’m done.” he said.  
  
“So you’re just going to walk out? Because I asked you whose boxers these were?”  
  
“I’m going to walk out because you have been doing nothing but pissing me off for the past couple of weeks and if I stay around any longer, I’ll end up saying things I’ll regret.”  
  
“You should say them,” Kurt said. “Because really, I want to hear what the hell has been making you so weird.”  
  
Sebastian laughed bitterly, “ _I’m_  being weird, Kurt?”  
  
Kurt’s face shifted, something like guilt flashing across his features but it was gone a second later and he just tipped his chin up in a defiant gesture. “You know what?” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “Fine. I’ll tell you what the fuck I have to say. I am tired of you, okay? I am tired of your mood swings, I am tired of you closing off on me, I am tired of you not understanding me when I talk to you.”  
  
“You’ve barely said three words to me since last night!”  
  
“I  _just_  asked you if your memories were being cooperative!” Sebastian said, throwing his hand up. “And instead of actually having a conversation with me, you went and started worrying about some stupid pair of boxers!” Sebastian picked up the item of clothing in question and threw it at Kurt’s chest. It bounced off him and on to the floor, joining the tangle of shirts.  
  
“Okay, so I was a little preoccupied with our underwear,” Kurt said stiffly. “Doesn’t explain why you’re acting like this.”  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said, pressing a hand to his forehead. “I -” he didn’t know how to say it. “Why are you shutting me out?” he ended up asking. “After all the times you promised me you wouldn’t, why have you stopped treating me like your husband?”  
  
“I feel like we’re both wearing blinding masks, why the hell would you think I’m not treating you like my husband?!”  
  
“Because you’re still not wearing your ring, for one.”  
  
Kurt’s hand automatically curled into a fist as if to hide his bare fingers but it only served to highlight the strip of skin where his wedding band would have otherwise been. “I’m not ready for that,” he said  
  
“You know a month ago, I would have believed you but right now, all that sounds like is bullshit,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “Listen to yourself - one second you claim you’re treating me like a husband and the next you say you’re not ready to wear your ring I mean, what am I supposed to make of that?”  
  
Kurt licked his lips and tore his gaze away from Sebastian’s face. “It feels like too heavy a commitment.”  
  
“It  _is_  a heavy commitment Kurt,” Sebastian said. “And I’m sorry but if you still haven’t accepted that, then I don’t know if you ever will.”  
  
“You’re being really fucking selfish right now, you know.” Kurt said, looking back at him. “You have no idea the havoc going on inside my head. Rings are honestly the last things on my mind.”  
  
“ _You’re_ the selfish one here,” Sebastian shot back. “You’re so fucking lost in your own head that you can’t see how  _I’m_ losing my mind!”  
  
“Do you have disconnected memories jumping out at you?” Kurt asked. “Are you getting hit by flashbacks while walking down the road?”  
  
“Don’t act like I’m being insensitive about your struggle,” Sebastian said. “I’ve asked you to talk to me about your problems a million times.”  
  
“ _How am I supposed to talk about them?!_ ” Kurt exclaimed, his voice cracking.  
  
“There’s this wonderful thing called a mouth which lets you communicate with others,” Sebastian snapped. “All you have to do is  _open_  it.”  
  
Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his face flushing an even deeper shade of red. “How am I supposed to tell you that I lost a project I’d apparently been working towards since before my accident just because I was unconscious when the deadline came around? And that I only realized how much this project meant to me when I saw the guy who’d got it instead - the guy who, just by the way, misses no opportunity to tell me how I’m too defected to work anymore.”  
  
“Is this Troy?” Sebastian asked, a different kind of anger licking his insides. Troy was one of Kurt’s bitterest colleagues. He’d hated Kurt since the day they’d met and was always battling him head to head. Kurt had known exactly how to deal with the bastard and almost always held the upper hand in their silent fights but right now, Kurt was just vulnerable enough for him to take every kind of sick advantage he could.  
  
“It doesn’t matter who it is,” Kurt said, swallowing thickly.  
  
“Kurt, you  _tell_  your supervisor this dick is treating you like that.”  
  
“I would if I wasn’t sure my supervisor was just as annoyed with me,” Kurt said. “Do you know how embarrassed I was when I showed her the sketch I’d worked on day and night only to be told it was the exact replica of a piece from Marc Jacobs 2018 spring collection?”  
  
Sebastian stared at him quietly as Kurt’s eyes started to get wet. “I’m telling Maman,” he said. “People like that shouldn’t be allowed to work at all. How the fuck do they think they can treat you like that and get away with it? You’re not even fucking working full time yet! They’re supposed to be  _helping_  you not - not bringing you down!” He was shaking, head spinning a little.  
  
Kurt shook his head. “Marie has been nothing but amazing,” he said. “But I don’t blame her for being irritated. She spent hours with me, going through an overview of what the brand is working on, she showed me storyboards and old photo shoots and then I spent three days working on my first design and it’s not even something I created myself but a figment of memory returning at the worst possible time.”  
  
“Baby, this is why I said you shouldn’t go back to work just yet,” Sebastian said, his voice desperate. “We were  _both_  stupid to hope things would work out so quickly but they’re obviously not and your doctor told you stress wouldn’t be good for you.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Kurt said. “I went to Dr. Hendricks on Wednesday and she said -”  
  
“Wait, wait,  _what_?” Sebastian said, waving his hand to stop Kurt midsentence. “You went to the hospital?”  
  
“Yeah, for a checkup,” Kurt said with a shrug. “I was supposed to go every two weeks.”  
  
“Why the hell did I not know about this?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“You did,” Kurt said with a frown. “I -” his face clouded over, lips forming a small ‘o’ when he realized that he hadn’t told Sebastian at all. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I honestly thought I’d told you.”  
  
“How can you have thought you told me when you haven’t spoken to me properly in days?”  
  
“I forgot,” Kurt said in a low voice, bending to pick up the fallen shirts.  
  
“This is exactly what I’m talking about, Kurt.” Sebastian said, unable to hide the hurt in his voice now. “Something as serious as going to your doctor and you didn’t even fucking  _tell_  me. How is that treating me like your husband?”  
  
“It’s not like she said anything life changing.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter - I want to know about this stuff. Why won’t you talk to me about it anymore?”  
  
“I’m not the only one closing off, you know.” Kurt said quietly, stacking the shirts back up again neatly.  
  
Sebastian frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
“You’re not being very helpful lately,” Kurt said, still not looking at him. “Whenever I ask you something, you brush it off.”  
  
“Bullshit,” Sebastian said. “I’m the one trying to get you to fucking open up.”  
  
“Really? What about that night you were smoking and I asked you what was wrong?” Kurt asked.  
  
It was Sebastian’s turn to remain silent. He’d been selfish that night, he knew it. But he’d been feeling really fucking horrible and had needed Kurt to understand without his help. It was an odd explanation, not one he could give to Kurt without sounding like a complete dick so he crossed his arms and said, “It was only that one time. I wasn’t feeling up to talking. What about all the other times I  _did_  try?”  
  
Kurt finally looked at him, expression cool. “Those were times when  _I_  didn’t feel up to talking.”  
  
Sebastian grit his teeth. “You know what, this is pointless,” he said. “Go on playing the victim here and ignore everything I’m going through because it doesn’t matter.”  
  
“Look - all you need to know is that there is seriously nothing wrong. I was having some headaches, nothing a few pills can’t fix. I’m just not used to getting hit by memories as suddenly as they’ve been coming in these past weeks.”  
  
“ _What_  memories?” Sebastian said. “You haven’t told me anything about any memories returning. I’ve been trying to help you out -”  
  
“I know you have.”  
  
“And yet you still didn’t think I deserved to know more than the spark notes version of your life? Your doctor’s appointment and the things you’ve remembered. How many of those memories include me?”  
  
“None.” Kurt said quietly.  
  
Sebastian stood stunned for a second before he said, “Sorry, what?”  
  
“None,” Kurt said looking at him with a steady gaze. “You asked how many memories you were in and the answer is none. I haven’t been able to remember anything about you since I watched our wedding video.”  
  
“But you said that you were frequently remembering things.” Sebastian said with a frown.  
  
Kurt nodded. “Things that have nothing to do with us.”  
  
“What are you remembering then?”  
  
Kurt avoided looking at him, keeping his gaze on the clothes in his hands. “Are you going to help me with these?”  
  
“Are you going to answer my question?” Sebastian countered.  
  
Kurt sighed, “Sebastian I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”  
  
“Kurt, you can’t just do that every time I -” the rest of his words were muffled by Kurt suddenly grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into a kiss. It was rough, it was messy, it was everything the past few weeks had been. Sebastian wasn’t sure if this was Kurt finally understanding that maybe what Sebastian needed wasn’t just words but  _touch_ , or if it was just Kurt’s way to shut him up.  
  
Either way, Sebastian pushed everything they’d said in the past few minutes out of his mind and leaned into Kurt’s body, pressed their mouths together harder and grabbed Kurt’s forearms to drag him closer. Kurt bit his lip, tugging at the flesh insistently as his hand slid from Sebastian’s arm up into his hair, tugging at the strands.  
  
Eventually, the rhythm of their mouths slowed down to a gentler caress and they stayed locked together, drinking up each other with slow strokes of their tongues and wandering hands. It wasn’t the exact closeness Sebastian had been craving, but it was enough to soothe the ache. He felt like he understood Kurt most in this moment. Once the urgency and harshness had melted away, the kiss was equal parts  _I’m sorry_  and  _I love you_. Which was why, when Kurt pulled back, and whispered, “I love you,” Sebastian said “I love you too” without thinking twice about it.  
  
His eyes were closed, forehead pressed against Kurt’s and both their breaths mingling between them but when Kurt’s words hit Sebastian, his eyes flew open and he looked at him with wide eyes. Kurt didn’t smile, he didn’t look happy at all in fact. His expression was a complicated mix of emotions but he’d said that he loved Sebastian. For the first time in  _months_ \- he’d said those words aloud.  
  
“Kurt -”  
  
“Remember that,” Kurt said, cutting him off. His voice was shaky, a result of their intense kissing or because of what he was saying, Sebastian didn’t know. “I love you, even if I don’t say it, even if I don’t wear my ring or remember anything else about us. I love you and you know it just as much as I  _feel_ it so just - just remember that, okay?”  
  
Sebastian nodded wordlessly and wrapped his arms tighter around Kurt, trying not to think too much about how it seemed like Kurt was attempting to convince himself of that fact just as much as he was assuring Sebastian.  
  



	17. Chapter 17

  
  
_I love you. Remember that_  
  
Sebastian tried. Oh he  _tried_. Every time Kurt was in his bad place and took it out on Sebastian, he kept repeating  _he loves you, he loves you_  in head but he still couldn’t shake the feeling that Kurt had used him in some deeply selfish way. Like he’d  _known_  exactly how much Sebastian had been craving an emotional connection and had only chosen to stop ignoring it when it became something of an advantage to him. Cutting short their conversation in the laundry room had probably been exactly what Kurt planned on doing with his kiss and mini speech, it had been nothing more than a diversion.  
  
And Sebastian, the idiot that he became around Kurt, had taken the bait.  
  
The more Sebastian thought about it, the more furious he got, the more unreasonable. Some part of his brain that hadn’t turned a blind eye to logic argued that everything Sebastian was thinking was complete bullshit. But the other, angered and hurt part refused to listen.  
  
Really, what proof was there lately that Kurt loved him? When did he do  _anything_  that gave weight to his words? He moved silently around the apartment, eating at different hours, never staying in the same room as Sebastian for too long and spending and increasing amount of time in the guest-room-slash-study.  
  
It scared him sometimes how far apart they were growing. It hadn’t been like this between them for so long, they’d always found some way to talk, to work at this - at  _them_  together. It hurt so much to have Kurt close off so suddenly, only giving him occasional glimpses after all the ways he’d trusted Sebastian enough to let him in after the accident.  
  
Sebastian frequently wished he knew what Kurt thought about while he stared out of the large windows into the city late at night or what he giggled about in his dreams only to start sobbing quietly when he woke up. He wished Kurt would stop going to work and pushing himself harder than he should, wished he would talk to Sebastian, let him reassure him in ways that spoke louder than words.  
  
He continued to crave touch, more so now that Kurt had withdrawn completely. He wanted to run his palm down Kurt’s spine as he curled up next to him, wanted to kiss the dip of his collarbone and say  _I’m here_  in the way that had calmed Kurt so many times before. He wanted to surround himself with Kurt’s body until they couldn’t breathe, feel naked skin pressed together, all heat and intimacy.  
  
He kept  _wanting_  until he finally decided to stop.  
  
If Kurt was being an asshole, he could be one too. He stopped trying to make Kurt talk to him, stopped kissing him goodbye in the mornings, stopped making dinner for two on the days it was his turn to cook.  
  
Some part of him hoped Kurt would notice how he was drifting away and that he’d do something to pull him back in.  
  
Kurt did nothing.  
_  
  
It took Sebastian moving back to sleep in the guest room for Kurt to finally notice.  
  
The door creaked open hours after Sebastian had settled in for the night, light spilling in from the hallway. Sebastian had his back turned to the door so all he saw were the shadows cast on the walls but he could  _feel_  Kurt’s presence as he leaned against the doorframe.  
  
“Sebastian?” His voice was soft, hesitant. Sebastian closed his eyes to fight the aching in his chest. “Are you awake?” He didn’t reply but Kurt seemed to sense he was because he said, “Come back to bed.”  
  
And god, Sebastian had to clench his teeth and grip his pillowcase tight enough for his knuckles to turn white in order to keep himself from getting up and going to Kurt. Instead, he swallowed thickly and asked - because he didn’t have enough self control to stop himself - “Why?”  
  
“Because I can’t sleep,” Kurt said.  
  
“So once again I’m just something that exists solely to help you function better.” His words were bitter but they were true. Sebastian  _did_  exist for Kurt, he’d let Kurt use him, take everything he had to give until there was nothing left because Kurt was the world to him. But not like this.  
  
His Kurt would never have used him so selfishly, not without giving back as good as he got and this Kurt hadn’t been thinking much of giving back to Sebastian lately. Sebastian had no obligation to do anything for him anymore. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice told him he was being a complete idiot because Kurt was here, asking him to come back to bed, wasn’t that enough?  
  
 _No_  the pissed off part retorted.  
  
At the door, Kurt sighed. Sebastian saw the shadow of his hand as he rubbed his forehead. “The bed feels empty without you,” he said quietly.  
  
The words ripped through his heart but bounced off his brain. Sebastian couldn’t shake the feeling that this was Kurt trying to manipulate his emotions again to get what he wanted. It made him more sad than it did angry to think of how Kurt had gone from somewhere who had cared about Sebastian’s feelings even when he couldn’t remember him to someone who used him to his own advantage knowing full well how much Sebastian loved him.  
  
“Sebastian?”  
  
Sebastian didn’t move, didn’t say anything.  
  
“ _Please_ ,” Kurt sounded on the verge of tears.  
  
Sebastian bit down on his lip and inhaled deeply, holding the breath in and willing Kurt to just  _please_  leave, to not make this harder than it already was. It would have been easy to follow Kurt to their bedroom, believe that his tears and soft words were genuine but the events of the past couple of days were still fresh in his mind and he was done letting himself get walked over after every time Kurt professed to care about him.  
  
The door closed with a click, darkness enveloping the room once more. Sebastian exhaled through his nose, his whole body curling inwards.  
_  
  
In the morning, when Sebastian went back to their bedroom to get his clothes for work, he found Kurt splayed on Sebastian’s side of the bed. He was awake, staring blankly at the window but hadn’t noticed Sebastian come in. Watching the way his arm was curled around Sebastian’s pillow, holding it to his chest made Sebastian’s stomach twist with guilt. Maybe Kurt’s tears and words last  _had_  been genuine.  
  
Instead of ignoring him and going straight to the closet like he’d planned on doing, Sebastian found himself walking towards the bed. Kurt lifted his head to glance over his shoulder at the sound of footsteps, eyes widening when he saw Sebastian.  
  
“I’ve always said my side of the bed was much more comfortable to sleep on.” Sebastian said when he came to a stop next to the bed.  
  
Kurt stared at him quietly for a second. “It’s really not that different,” he said, his voice croaky. From sleep or from crying, Sebastian didn’t know.  
  
“I wouldn’t have believed you if the bags under your eyes didn’t scream lack of sleep.” Sebastian said in a softer tone. Kurt shifted to the side as Sebastian lifted a knee to rest on the mattress next to him. He wasn’t sure if he was going to crawl over Kurt or lie down beside him, even if he was going to do anything other than stand with one foot on the ground and one knee brushing Kurt’s side but at the moment, he wasn’t really thinking of positions. He was thinking of the way Kurt was looking up at him - hesitant, guarded, a little hopeful.  
  
“You don’t look like you had a very good night either,” Kurt said, eyes raking over Sebastian’s face where the evidence of the past couple of restless hours must have been showing.  
  
“I didn’t.”  
  
Kurt’s hand brushed his, eyes still trained on Sebastian’s face as if waiting for him to pull it away. When he didn’t, Kurt tangled their fingers together and squeezed. Sebastian squeezed back.  
  
“Why -” Kurt paused, dropping his gaze to their hands, licking his lips. “Why didn’t you come back last night?”  
  
“I didn’t want to sleep with someone who would obviously rather sleep alone.” Sebastian said.  
  
“Do I look like I wanted to sleep alone?” Kurt asked, gesturing towards his untouched side of the bed. “I stayed up all night wishing you were here.”  
  
Though the confession made his heart ache, Sebastian didn’t relent. “One night doesn’t make up for the million nights before it, Kurt.”  
  
“When did I ever tell you I didn’t want you sleeping with me?”  
  
“When did you ever tell me you did?”  
  
Kurt looked defeated at that. “I know I haven’t exactly been really... _anything_  lately -”  
  
“Oh you have,” Sebastian said lightly. “You’ve been a selfish jerk and a complete insensitive asshole.”  
  
For a second, Kurt looked like he was going to argue but he only pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.” He said, fingers twitching between Sebastian’s. “It’s been a really rough couple of days. I’m exhausted.”  
  
“Yet, instead of resting and  _not pressuring_  yourself, you’re going to get up and go to work later.”  
  
Sebastian could feel the tension slowly creeping up, settling into the air around them. Kurt could probably feel it too because he shifted restlessly and squeezed Sebastian’s hand harder as if doing so would deflate some of the tension.  
  
“This has nothing to do with work,” he said calmly.  
  
“It has everything to do with your stupidity.”  
  
“Sebastian, just let it go already okay?” Kurt said, voice no longer controlled but edging on frustrated. “We’ve talked about this.”  
  
“If those three seconds in the laundry room count as  _talking_.”  
  
Kurt’s fingers tightened almost painfully around Sebastian’s, like he was trying very hard to not let go. Sebastian knew that if he did, it would break the invisible thread between them that was keeping this conversation going.  
  
“You’re supposed to support me,” Kurt said slowly, his tone laced with hurt.  
  
“I’m not going to support you being an idiot.” Sebastian said firmly.  
  
Kurt released his hand and Sebastian could almost hear the phantom  _snap_  as Kurt began to retreat into himself. He even shifted to his own side of the bed, turning his back to Sebastian. “You should get going,” he said in a clipped voice. “You’re going to be late.”  
  
Sebastian got his clothes in silence, nerves itching for a fight that would slap some sense into Kurt but when he walked out of the closet, Kurt’s eyes were closed. Sebastian could tell he was feigning sleep - probably to avoid any more conversation. Silently, he made his way out of the bedroom, barely hearing the sigh Kurt let out as the door shut behind him. In the bathroom, he was so distracted, he cut himself twice while shaving, used his shampoo in place of body wash and very nearly missed substituting shaving cream for toothpaste.  
  
He cursed throughout pulling his clothes on only to realize he’d forgotten his tie. “Damn it,” he muttered as he wrenched open the bathroom door and headed back towards the bedroom. Kurt looked surprised when Sebastian walked back in, cheeks flushing with sudden color. It took a moment for Sebastian to realize Kurt had rolled back to his side of the bed and was once again lying with his face buried in Sebastian’s pillow.  
  
“I forgot my tie,” Sebastian said in response to Kurt’s questioning gaze. “Sorry. Go back to sleep.”  
  
Kurt’s gaze burned through the back of Sebastian’s shirt as he made his way over to the closet. He tried to ignore him and grabbed the first tie he saw, throwing it around his neck as he walked out.  
  
“That doesn’t go with your shirt, you know.” Kurt spoke up.  
  
Sebastian swallowed the sudden lump in his throat as his mind skipped back to mornings where Kurt would lie quietly on the bed and watch him dress, occasionally dropping a comment about his clothes or hair. He glanced at Kurt and found him watching Sebastian with slightly drooped eyes, cheek smushed against his pillow.  
  
“It looks fine.” Sebastian said, turning away, not wanting to get caught up in another moment that would inevitably be ruined.  
  
“Do you really want to argue fashion with me?”  
  
“Well if the tie’s bugging you so much, maybe you should get up and give me one that doesn’t offend you but if you won’t then I’m not going to be yelled at for being late because my husband didn’t approve of my color coordination.”  
  
To his surprise, Kurt swung his legs off the bed and got up in one graceful move. “You  _have_  no color coordination,” he said, walking past him into the closet.  
  
Sebastian felt an odd rush of adrenaline as he waited for him to come back out, fingers flexing at his sides. “If you’re planning on bedazzling my outfit with some of your weird accessories, don’t even think about it,” he called out. “I don’t want to show up to work looking like a clown.”  
  
Kurt emerged with a simple navy blue tie in his hands and gave Sebastian a measuring look before he stepped closer, tugging at the knot of the tie already around his neck. Sebastian felt heat spread through his body like wildfire, starting at the places where Kurt’s fingers were brushing the skin of his neck right down to the tips of his toes. Kurt turned back to drop the tie on the bed before draping the newly selected one around Sebastian’s neck. His eyes were intent on his hands as they worked on the knot but he looked like he was preoccupied with something.  
  
“What made you think I wanted to sleep alone?” he asked, eyes still on the tie.  
  
Sebastian watched him silently for a moment before he said, “You’ve been ignoring me again.”  
  
“So have you,” Kurt said quietly.  
  
“Don’t twist things around Kurt.”  
  
Kurt fidgeted with the tie, clearly unsatisfied with the knot and slid it loose so he could start all over again. “There’s been a lot going on,” he said.  
  
“Work?”  
  
“God, just  _stop_  with pestering me about my job,” Kurt said with a frustrated huff. “No, it’s not all about work. It’s the chaos that is in my head.”  
  
“So instead of talking to me like I asked you to, you ignore me again?”  
  
Kurt paused, eyes flickering up to Sebastian’s before moving back to the tie. The knot was done but Kurt didn’t remove his hands. “There are some things I’d rather deal with alone.”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Like coming to terms with what a huge asshole you were to me when we first met in New York.” Kurt’s voice was light, almost teasing but there was something heavier underneath, something Sebastian could tell he was covering up.  
  
“So you  _have_ been remembering me,” Sebastian said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“Bits and pieces,” Kurt said. “Always bits and pieces.”  
  
“It’s better than nothing, right?” Sebastian said, trying to smile but it didn’t quite work out. There were so many things Kurt could have been remembering about him, things without proper context. That would explain his random bursts of anger towards Sebastian, why he’d wanted to stay away from him as much as possible. Oh god, what was he remembering? All attempts at a smile failed, Sebastian frowned. “You know you really should have talked to me. I bet you’ve been over thinking things like crazy.”  
  
Kurt looked up at him with a cool expression. “And I’m the only one over thinking things right?”  
  
“Why do you throw everything back in my face?” Sebastian asked with a sigh. “Everything I say, it’s never enough to just shut up and answer me is it?”  
  
Kurt’s eyes dropped to Sebastian’s mouth. “You’ve never been very good at listening either,” he said before leaning in and close the last bit of distance between them. Sebastian held still when their lips touched, frantically thinking back to the laundry room, to all the times Kurt had ignored him the past few days and how he’d sworn he wouldn’t give in like this again but Kurt’s lips were soft, pressing against his like a sweet apology and Sebastian found himself bringing a hand up to cup his face and keep him there as he wrapped the other arm low around Kurt’s waist.  
  
It was like so many of their fights, cut off mid conversation so they could finish with saying things through touches instead of words. Like the way Kurt’s palm slid to left of Sebastian’s tie, coming to a rest over his heart in a silent  _I love you_ , the way Sebastian bit his lip to say  _I’m still mad at you, this isn’t over_. But they melted into the kiss, making up for an almost week long silence between them. Sebastian’s hand found the warm skin of Kurt’s lower back where his shirt had ridden up. He flattened his palm against his back and pushed Kurt’s body closer against his chest. Kurt exhaled a little puff of breath through his nose as Sebastian’s hand continued to slide up along his spine, shirt bunching around his wrist as he rode it up higher.  
  
“Oh god,” Kurt breathed, tearing his mouth away and Sebastian felt the shiver that coursed through him under his palm. It made his own body flare with heat but he started to pull back, the few minutes he had left to leave for work forcing him to stop everything where it was. To his surprise, Kurt’s hands flew to cup his jaw and hold him in place. “No, don’t go,” he whispered, kissing him firmly on the mouth again.  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian huffed out a laugh as he tried to pull away again but Kurt was apparently very serious about not letting Sebastian go because his hand slid down to wrap around his tie. He walked them backwards until Sebastian felt his back thump against the wall. “Kurt hang on for a min _mm_.”  
  
“Don’t go,” Kurt said again, breathing the words out against Sebastian’s jaw. “Please.”  
  
“What the hell’s gotten into you?” Sebastian asked, his head spinning. “I mean,  _god_  I want to stay but -”  
  
“I need you here right now,” Kurt said, finally pulling back enough to look Sebastian in the eyes. “My head is clear for the first time in days and I  _need_  you to keep me in the moment.”  
  
Sebastian struggled to gain control of his breathing, staring at Kurt’s wet mouth distractedly until his words finally registered. “I can’t skip work, Kurt.”  
  
“Neither can I but just - stay for a while longer.” Kurt said, hands fluttering over Sebastian’s body until he finally cupped them around his waist. He dropped his head to Sebastian’s shoulder, taking a deep breath. “Please. Just a few minutes.”  
  
“Are you going to explain what the hell is going on with you?” Sebastian asked as he wrapped an arm around Kurt’s back. “Or is this going to be like the other day where you shut me up with a few kisses and then go back to ignoring me later?”  
  
“I’ll tell you everything,” Kurt said, fingers flexing against Sebastian’s waist. “I promise. Right now I just want you to hold me.”  
_  
  
 _”Hey, baby.”  
  
Kurt tugs the book out of Sebastian’s hand and throws it aside, moving to straddle his lap. He’s barely settled down before he grabs Sebastian’s face in his hands and kisses him. It’s rough and needy, Kurt swiping his tongue along the back of Sebastian’s teeth, biting his bottom lip until it’s plump and fisting a hand in his hair so he can tug at the strands as does whatever he wants with Sebastian’s mouth.  
  
Sebastian is so caught up in kissing him, he doesn’t realize Kurt is tilting sideways, falling onto his back on the couch and dragging Sebastian down on top of him. The second they’re horizontal, Kurt’s kisses slow down, settling into a series of softer pecks against Sebastian’s lips, the corner of his mouth, his jaw.  
  
“Bad day?” he asks as Kurt shifts to give Sebastian enough room to lie down behind him. Once he’s settled, Kurt presses his back up against Sebastian’s chest and drags his arm around drape along his waist. “I’m taking that as a yes,” Sebastian says as Kurt lays a palm over Sebastian’s hand.  
  
“Bad is an understatement.”  
  
“You want a cheer up blow job?” Sebastian asks, slipping his hand down to brush along Kurt’s crotch.  
  
Kurt grabs it and pulls it back up to his waist. “Later.”  
  
“My offer to punch off Troy’s front teeth still stands you know,” Sebastian says, his smile pressing into Kurt’s skin as he kisses the side of his face.  
  
“Tempting,” Kurt says, leaning back into the touch. “But I want to break them on my own, thanks.”  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sebastian asks in a softer tone.  
  
Kurt’s silent for a second, fingers tracing back and forth along the back of Sebastian’s hand. “Not right now,” he says in a quiet voice. His face turns back so his nose is brushing Sebastian’s cheek and he breathes in deeply, his body losing some of its tension. “Right now I just want you to hold me.” _  
_  
  
Sebastian felt restless the whole day, desperate to get back to Kurt and talk to him. He skipped going to the gym after work and headed straight back to the apartment, cursing every minute he got stuck in traffic. When he finally made it through the front door, he found Kurt standing in the kitchen, his back turned to Sebastian. There was a strong smell of chocolate in the air which made Sebastian stop in his tracks just to inhale the warm, sweet scent.  
  
Kurt hadn’t noticed him come him, the sound of his footsteps drowned out by the electric mixer he had whirring. Sebastian made his way over to him but stopped in his tracks once again when he caught sight of the cake on the kitchen island, raspberry filling oozing out slightly from the corners.  
  
Sebastian smiled; chocolate raspberry cake was his favorite.  
  
It was also Kurt’s go-to  _sorry_  cake. He made it when he knew he’d messed up and wanted to make amends with more than just words. Usually, it led to an evening of lots of wine and lots of conversation where Kurt grudgingly admitted he’d been an idiot and Sebastian agreed with him followed by lots of sex. It was one of Kurt’s foolproof ways of gaining Sebastian’s forgiveness. Just looking at the cake right now made Sebastian want to forget the crap of the past few days and call it even but he held himself back from marching up and wrapping his arms around Kurt from behind. He had no idea if Kurt’s intentions were actually to apologize or if he’d been just been in the mood to bake. Did he even know this cake was Sebastian’s favorite?  
  
The sound of the mixer cut off and Kurt turned around, licking a smudge of frosting from the tip of his finger. He jumped a little when he saw Sebastian standing three steps away from him. “You’re not supposed to be home for another two hours,” he said.  
  
Sebastian shrugged. “I skipped going to the gym today.”  
  
Kurt nodded slowly. “Oh,”  
  
“Smells good,” Sebastian said, nodding towards the cake.  
  
“Thanks it’s uh - it’s not finished yet. I still have to frost it.”  
  
“I can see that.”  
  
“It’s for you,” Kurt said almost shyly but his eyes were fixed squarely on Sebastian’s face.  
  
Sebastian grinned. “I know.”  
  
Kurt looked a little surprised, “You do?”  
  
So Sebastian had been right - Kurt had no idea what the cake really meant, just like he had no idea what smoking meant for Sebastian. Oddly enough, Sebastian found he didn’t mind Kurt’s lack of information frustrating this time. It was actually kind of endearing.  
  
“Why this cake?” he asked as Kurt picked up the bowl of icing and put it on the island.  
  
“I had a feeling you’d like it,” Kurt said with a shrug.  
  
Sebastian smirked as Kurt started to frost the cake. His subconscious knowledge of things was still just as amusing as it had been before. Sebastian was hungry, and the sight and smell of the cake make his stomach grumble weakly but there were more pressing matters at hand.  
  
“I think you promised to tell me about all the shit that’s been going on with you lately,” he said.  
  
“Let me finish frosting this,” Kurt said. “Go change your clothes and I’ll -”  
  
“No,” Sebastian said, taking hold of Kurt’s wrist and turning him around. “I want to talk now.”  
  
Kurt set down the knife in his hand and sighed, obviously sensing that Sebastian wasn’t going to let this go. “Can we at least sit down first?”  
  
Sebastian followed Kurt to the couch, swiping some dripping raspberry filling from the side of the cake as he went and sucking the finger into his mouth. Kurt sat down, tucking his legs underneath him as Sebastian shrugged off his jacket, undid his tie and popped open the first few buttons of his shirt. It was with the intention to loosen up a bit but by the time he sat down, Kurt’s eyes were wide, lips shining as if he’d just licked them.  
  
For a moment, Sebastian thought Kurt was going to surge forward and kiss him again, the thought wasn’t completely unwelcome but instead, Kurt said. “I quit.”  
  
Sebastian blinked a couple of times. “What?”  
  
“Nicole was in her office today and I went inside and told her I was quitting my job.”  
  
“Wait, wait - why the hell would you  _quit_  your job?”  
  
Kurt sighed, tearing his eyes away from Sebastian’s face to look out the window. “Because no company is going to wait months for an employee to pull himself together,” his voice cracked a little towards the end despite his attempt to sound strong and Sebastian shifted closer on instinct.  
  
“You could have gone back whenever you were ready, you didn’t have to  _quit_ ,” Sebastian said incredulously.  
  
Kurt shook his head. “It’s not fair to block this job from other people who deserve it and who can do it better than I can right now.”  
  
Sebastian stared at him at a loss for words. On one hand he was relieved that the madness of the last three weeks would come to an end but at the same time, he could see how the decision had affected Kurt and this wasn’t what Sebastian had wanted at all. He’d wanted Kurt to take things easy, not completely give up a job he loved. Before he could say anything, Kurt took his hand and twined their fingers together.  
  
“You were right,” he said. “I  _have_  been pushing myself too hard. I was working day and night and barely thought about anything other than the color palette for the clothes I was studying but - I needed the distraction. These past few weeks have been way too confusing and if I had just sat down and let myself get caught up in all these random bursts of emotion, I would have cracked.”  
  
“You could have talked to me,” Sebastian said for what felt like the hundredth time. “No matter how hard it was, I would have tried to help.”  
  
“I thought about it,” Kurt said in a low voice. “But when you started to ignore me, I couldn’t help thinking that you’d given up.”  
  
“Given up on you?” Sebastian asked incredulously.  
  
Kurt nodded. “That you’d thought I wasn’t worth putting the effort in anymore.”  
  
“Are you crazy?” Sebastian asked, shaking his head. “I was  _mad_  at you. I kept putting in all this effort and you did nothing in return. I wasn’t giving up, I was  _fighting_. I wanted you to fucking notice that I wasn’t the same -”  
  
“I did,” Kurt said. “But I just -” he dropped his head into his hands and took a deep breath. “I finally started remembering stuff about you again but most of it was horrible. It was hard to not get mad at you when your voice in my head would constantly be criticizing and making fun of my designs and the actual you would keep telling me to stop working because it was of no use. It made me want to punch you,” he looked up at Sebastian and shook his head. “You have no idea,” he said, sounding tired. “The memories come so  _suddenly_  and they’re impossible to stop and I get everything mixed up. You’ve seen me when I have my flashbacks - it’s intense. Logically, I’d know that you’ve grown from the guy who spilt Coke on my sketches because he was annoyed I wouldn’t go dancing with him but I still wouldn’t want to be around you but it still made me angry.”  
  
“Why do you always remember us fighting?” Sebastian groaned, leaning his head back and staring at the ceiling.  
  
“Well we seem to do that a lot. Fight, I mean.”  
  
Sebastian tilted his head to look at Kurt and found him smiling a little. There was something about Kurt right now that made him appear more -  _real_  than he had in a long time. Maybe it was the knowing glint in his eyes as he remembered the countless times they’d started bickering over nothing just for the sake of it. Maybe it was just the fact that they were having an actual conversation after so long.  
  
“So basically, you locked yourself away because you were mad at a younger version of me,” Sebastian said lightly.  
  
“Most of the time, yes.”  
  
“What about the other times?”  
  
“I have a life outside of you too, you know.” Kurt said but his words were soft, pleading for Sebastian to not take them the wrong way. “There were other things that I needed to come to terms with. Things about myself and -” his thumb started to swipe back and forth along the inside of Sebastian’s wrist as if he was suddenly nervous. “Sometimes I just needed to be left alone.”  
  
“You’d cry,” Sebastian said, not missing the surprise and panic on Kurt’s face. “At night, when you thought I was asleep.”  
  
“I -” Sebastian waited for him to say something more but Kurt only bit his lips and continued to look torn between something.  
  
“Kurt if we’re being honest with each other, might as well do it properly.”  
  
“I don’t want you to make you upset,” Kurt said quietly.  
  
“You won’t.”  
  
Kurt regarded him for a long moment before he took a deep breath and said, “I’ve been remembering Blaine.”  
  
Sebastian had no clue why the words surprised him so much. Blaine had been a part of Kurt’s life - a  _big_  part - of course Kurt was going to remember him eventually. But the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind every time he’d seen Kurt sitting with his expression far away. He’d never guessed that of all the things Kurt could be thinking about, he’d be thinking of Blaine.  
  
“What about Blaine?” he asked calmly.  
  
“Fighting with him, singing with him, flying out to New York to surprise him on Valentine’s Day his freshmen year - the most random things.” Kurt wasn’t looking at Sebastian, staring instead at a spot on the opposite wall. Sebastian didn’t know what to say. “It started the night after I watched our wedding video - the one he narrated.” Kurt continued. “I guess it unlocked all those fantasies in the back of my head where I’d dreamed of getting married to him.” His eyes flickered up to look at Sebastian quickly, gauging his response. “Sorry,” he said quickly, turning away. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. It’s just - it’s complicated. I’d remember things about him and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember you. And when I finally started to, it was stuff that made me want to hate you. It didn’t help that you weren’t talking to me anymore and so every time I remembered Blaine I kind of slipped more and more into that frame of mind.”  
  
The laundry room suddenly made sense - how Kurt had thrown himself at Sebastian,  _I love you. Remember that_  - and then this morning.  _I need you to keep me in the moment_. He’d been trying to pull himself  _out_  of that mindset, trying not to let himself get sucked into his memories and Sebastian hadn’t been helping. To be fair, Kurt hadn’t been trying very hard either but Sebastian couldn’t help feeling like there was more he could have done himself without needing Kurt to tell him. He’d been too caught up in his own pain and over thinking things to read what Kurt needed. Maybe they’d both been silently screaming at each other this whole time.  
  
“I loved him,” Kurt said in a low whisper. “And remembering all those things about us - it was like falling in love again and losing it all over.” Kurt finally raised his eyes to look at him and when his thumb moved over Sebastian’s knuckle, he suddenly became aware of how their hands were still connected. “Sebastian, you had every right to be mad at me -” and that’s exactly what Sebastian has been saying to himself all this time - that he  _had the right_  to ignore Kurt just as hard as Kurt was ignoring him, that he could act cold and indifferent and it wouldn’t matter because Kurt was doing the same thing with him. But looking at Kurt now, Sebastian felt nothing but a hot throb of guilt at his actions.  
  
“Kurt -” he started but Kurt cut him off quickly.  
  
“No, please let me finish.” he said. “I don’t blame you for being mad. Maybe if I’d told you why I was acting the way I was sooner you would’ve understood but like I said before, it’s hard to put all of this into words sometimes.” Kurt shifted so his knees were brushing the top of Sebastian’s thigh. “I  _was_  insensitive, I’m sorry. But I wasn’t lying when I said that I love you. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of. Even when I hated you at the beginning, I knew if there was one thing I could trust it was how much I must have loved you to choose this life with you and that’s what’s been getting me through. I kept trusting that I could mess up but you’d still love me.”  
  
“I will,” Sebastian said, his voice suddenly hoarse. “I always have.”  
  
Kurt looked down at their hands again. “Remember what I said about you being the one who keeps me from losing my mind?” he looked up just in time to see Sebastian’s affirming nod. “This morning, it was like being close to you made everything else go quiet. And all I could feel or hear was  _you_. I wish I’d reached out to you to you sooner,” he ducked his head again, smiling as he shook his head. “Would’ve made staying grounded in reality so much easier.”  
  
Sebastian pulled his hand free of Kurt’s grip and reached out to cup his face, pulling him in so he could bring their mouths together. Kurt exhaled slowly through his nose, hand fisting in the collar of Sebastian’s shirt as he shifted to settle in his lap.  
  
Sebastian felt oddly...numb. Like his brain was refusing to fully process everything Kurt had said in the last few minutes. He didn’t feel anything when he thought of how Kurt must have woken up countless nights expecting to see Blaine next to him and feeling disappointed when he saw Sebastian instead. He didn’t  _want_  to think about that.  
  
But there was still a nagging insecurity in the back of his mind, quiet under the wet sound of their lips meeting again and again and the soft nosies falling from Kurt’s lips every few seconds but definitely there. An insecurity that had been rooted in him since Kurt asked for Blaine after waking up.  
  
It was that insecurity that made Sebastian break their kiss, look Kurt in the eyes and ask, “Do you trust me?”  
  
Kurt looked a little dazed, breathing heavily as he stared down at Sebastian. “What? Yes, of course.”  
  
Sebastian slipped his hand beneath the hem of Kurt’s shirt, sliding his palm up his spine again as he leaned in to kiss the curve of Kurt’s neck. He could see the confusion on Kurt’s face give way to understanding as Sebastian’s palm slid higher just like that morning, bunching Kurt’s t-shirt in the process. Sebastian wasn’t going to ask him if he was okay with this, he trusted Kurt to tell him if he wasn’t. So when Kurt didn’t say anything, Sebastian took that as permission to tug the shirt over his head and toss it aside.  
  
Pale, creamy skin - so,  _so_  familiar. Sebastian barely had time to run his hand along the front of Kurt’s chest before Kurt was leaning back in, eyes locked on Sebastian’s as his hands slipped down to work at the buttons of his shirt. They kissed again and it felt different. It felt - why did the world  _real_  keep coming back to Sebastian’s head? He hated it. It was like his brain was saying everything with Kurt before this hadn’t been real but there was just something about the way Kurt was touching him, his hand brushing the skin along the waistband of his pants as he tugged Sebastian’s shirt free - sure and steady instead of hesitant like it probably should have been that made Sebastian feel like none of this felt new to Kurt.  
  
Kurt pushed Sebastian’s shirt off his shoulders hastily, letting it catch at his elbows. Sebastian was about to shake it off the rest of the way when Kurt broke his mouth away from Sebastian’s and bent to press his lips to Sebastian’s right shoulder cap. It was that press of wet lips against his skin that made the word  _real_  suddenly make sense.  
  
This gesture was something only his Kurt ever did and judging by the look on Kurt’s face when Sebastian tilted his head to look at him, it wasn’t just a coincidental kiss. The tip of Kurt’s nose was distinctly red like he got when he was about to cry. Sebastian touched his cheek, aiming to angle his face so he could kiss him but Kurt only opened his mouth and pressed it firmer against Sebastian’s skin.  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said softly. Kurt kept his eyes closed as he kissed a path up along Sebastian’s neck to the back of his ear where he kissed the single freckle tucked behind the lobe. Another favorite spot of Kurt’s. One which he spent hours of the early morning devoted to kissing and licking. “Kurt.” Sebastian said again, gently pulling Kurt away from him to look at him. Kurt’s eyes were damp, his whole face flushed pink and Sebastian forgot what he was about to say. He ended up kissing Kurt slow and deep, cupping his jaw and sliding his tongue into his mouth where the lingering taste of cream cheese frosting on Kurt’s tongue mixed with the raspberry filling on his own and it was perfect, in more ways than one.  
  
“Oh god,” Kurt said when they broke apart, lips stretching into a smile as he dropped his forehead against Sebastian’s. “I just realized what the cake meas.”  
  
Sebastian grinned and pecked Kurt on the lips. “It means the best things.”  
  
Kurt shook his head, still smiling but he started to stand up. Sebastian felt his heart sink, disappointment and hurt settling in the pit of his stomach but it only lasted until Kurt held out his hand to him and smiled reassuringly. Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief and took his hand, dragging himself off the couch, shirt falling off completely in the process.  
  
The walk to the bedroom seemed to take forever. Sebastian wasn’t even aware his feet were moving at all. His eyes were fixed on Kurt’s naked back, the feeling of his hand encasing Sebastian’s. Once they were in the bedroom, Kurt pushed Sebastian onto the bed and climbed on top of him, bare chests pressing together. Sebastian’s head spun a little at the weight of him, familiar and comforting and everything he’d been craving.  
  
Kurt seemed sure of everything he was doing, from the way he was slowly thrusting his tongue in and out of Sebastian’s mouth to the way his hands started to work on the button of his pants. Confident, easy movements - practiced, familiar. His hand slipped past the waistband to brush over the line of his cock through his underwear and Sebastian’s whole body arched with the touch. Kurt smiled, holding Sebastian down with a palm pressed flat to his chest as his hand moulded to the shape of him. His eyes closed, breathing slowing down to long, even inhales and exhales as if he was soaking in the moment. Sebastian wanted to know what he was thinking so badly.  
  
“Look at me,” he said and Kurt opened his eyes immediately, staring down at Sebastian like he was seeing him for the first time in ages. For a second they just stared at each other until Kurt squeezed his hand and Sebastian  _jerked_ , leg kicking out underneath Kurt and teeth sinking into his bottom lip at how fucking  _good_  it felt.  
  
Kurt’s expression changed, a slow smirk spreading across his lips. “I hope you’re going to last until we both have our pants off,” he said.  
  
“Shut up,” Sebastian said as Kurt peeled his pants down and discarded them. “It’s been fucking forever and I you have no idea how much I need you right now.”  
  
“I think I do,” Kurt said, fingers dancing along the length of Sebastian’s erection through his boxers.  
  
Sebastian rolled them over, Kurt’s hand flying up to grip his shoulders as his back hit the mattress before Sebastian slanted their mouths together. Kurt hummed as Sebastian tore his mouth away and started to kiss his way down his chest, movements gaining urgency with every salty slick press of lips against Kurt’s skin. The taste of him was addictive and Sebastian lapped it up like it was a drug.  
  
Kurt’s hand threaded through his hair, the flush on his cheeks spreading down his neck and torso as Sebastian continued to kiss lower. When he pressed his mouth against Kurt through his underwear, Kurt gasped, fingers tightening in Sebastian’s hair. Sebastian tugged his boxers down hastily, not even getting them past Kurt’s knees before he ducked in and licked a thick stripe up the underside of Kurt’s cock.  
  
“ _Oh my god,_ ” Kurt gasped above him.  
  
The weight of Kurt in his mouth felt perfect, an ache finally being relieved. Sebastian closed his lips around the head, sucking with gentle pressure and tonguing beneath the ridge just like he knew Kurt liked.  
  
“Sebastian,” Kurt said, tugging at his hair. “ _Seb_.”  
  
Sebastian felt a fresh wave of affection at the nickname. He pulled back, licking his lips before he dragged them down the side of Kurt’s cock, turning his face to kiss that tender spot on the inside of his thigh. Kurt sighed above him, fingers flexing in Sebastian’s hair as he sunk his mouth down him again.  
  
“No, wait -” he breathed, tugging at Sebastian’s hair until he looked up at him. “It’s not enough.” Which Sebastian found a little offending because he had Kurt as deep as he could possibly get. Kurt laughed when he saw Sebastian’s expression and dragged him back up so their bodies were pressed together from the chest down. “I want you closer, idiot.” he said, craning his neck up to kiss him. The tips of his fingers slipped beneath Sebastian’s boxers, brushing over the top of his ass in a teasing drag. Sebastian pressed back into the touch, sparks of electricity lighting up his veins.  
  
Kurt pushed the offending item away, kicking his own underwear off completely in the process and wrapping his legs around Sebastian’s waist. Their cocks slid together, slicked by precome and sweat and - “Oh,” Sebastian moaned, “ _Oh_  fuck.” Both of Kurt’s hand came up to cup Sebastian’s jaw, and he was still grinning when their mouths met. The kiss was sloppy this time, overpowered by the growing, needy heat pooling at the base of both their spines.  
  
Sebastian snaked a hand beneath Kurt’s neck, lifting his head up slightly so he could kiss him deeper just as Kurt reached between their bodies to wrap a hand around both of them. His grip was loose but so,  _so_  perfect and it was all Sebastian could do to not thrust into the circle of his fist and come from the drag of their cocks and the heat of his hand alone.  
  
Kurt eased them into a rhythm, guiding their movements with rolls of his hips. Sebastian went with it, feeling helpless to do anything but follow Kurt’s lead. He didn’t care how he got off, just that it was with Kurt and they were so close and damn it, he’d missed this closeness so much. He wasn’t aware he’d been mouthing along the side of Kurt’s neck until Kurt squirmed beneath him and _oh_  that did wonderful things for their cocks.  
  
“Stop licking my neck,” he said, sounding amused.  
  
Sebastian didn’t move away. “I’ve fucking missed you okay.”  
  
“I think your sentence order is- _mm-_ a bit wrong.” Kurt said, rolling his hips harder, faster. “Isn’t it supposed to be you missed fucking me?  
  
Sebastian did pull back at that, staring down at Kurt’s face with surprise. Kurt looked relaxed and amused even if his whole face was flushed and sweat was beading on his forehead. For a moment it was easy to forget there was anything different about him. He was staring at Sebastian with the same mixture of love and lust he always did, a glint of playfulness in his eyes.  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said in a strained voice, his balls tightening with every thrust. “Fuck. I love you.”  _I’ve missed you, I’ve missed this._  
  
Kurt brought his free hand to cup the back of Sebastian’s head and he pulled him down into another sweet kiss. Sebastian came a few seconds later, jaw going slack and body shuddering as he spilled white streaks onto Kurt's stomach. He felt a burst of irritation when he realized Kurt was still hard and aching between them. This was supposed to have been about Kurt - making  _him_  feel good, not getting caught up with what he’d wanted for himself.  
  
Limbs feeling too heavy, Sebastian pushed Kurt’s hand away and replaced it with his own. He smeared his thumb along the head of Kurt's cock, sticky with his own come before moving his hand in a perfect down-up stroke. It took only a few similar strokes until Kurt’s neck stretched back and he came with a quiet sigh, hands grappling at Sebastian’s forearms.  
  
Sebastian wiped his hand on the sheets as Kurt came down from his high, settling on his side beside him and pushing back a few strands of sweaty hair on his forehead.  
  
Kurt smiled up at him, eyelids drooping slightly. “Sebastian,” he said softly, almost another sigh.  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said in reply, a smile tugging at the corners of his own mouth.  
  
“You look - clearer.”  
  
“And you sound drunk,” Sebastian teased, not allowing himself to get his hopes up too much over thinking of what Kurt’s words meant. Over thinking hadn’t done much for him lately.  
  
“I love you,” Kurt said, cupping Sebastian’s face and stroking a thumb down his cheek.  
  
“I love you too,”  
  
“I love you more than anyone.”  
  
“I know,” Sebastian said with a grin that was more smug than it should have been.  
  
“Thank you for putting up with me for so long,” Kurt said quietly as Sebastian kissed his temple.  
  
There was so much Sebastian wanted to say in reply but it was easier to lean down and kiss Kurt instead. Their kiss was drenched with post orgasmic laziness but Sebastian still pressed into it, grateful, sated and so unbearably  _happy_.  
  
 _I'll stay with you forever._


	18. Chapter 18

  
  
Kurt’s dreams that night consisted of wet mouths and hot bodies pressing, grinding and sliding together. He felt like he was losing his mind. Every time he’d get close to the edge, Sebastian would back off with his patented smirk, slipping away into the foggy haze and leaving Kurt a helpless, frustrated mess.  
  
He skipped from one setting to another. One moment, he’d feel how he was tied down, the silk scarves digging into his wrists as he tugged at them, Sebastian’s mouth around him, sending shivers through his spine and the next second, he’d be in a familiar club, lights dancing off faceless bodies as he pressed Sebastian against a wall in a darkened corner and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe. Then there was the image of  _Sebastian_  tied to the bed, staring up at Kurt with lust clouded eyes, lips swollen and chest heaving as Kurt rode him with slow, deliberate rolls of his hips.  
  
Kurt wasn’t sure how it was possible to jump so quickly through fantasies yet still feel like every single one of them lasted forever. It was delicious torture. Right up until the moment he found himself in a familiar but unrecognizable room with the uncomfortable feeling that something was wrong. It took him a while to figure out that the problem lay in the fact that the body he was curled around and thrusting in rhythm with was too small, hair too curly, skin too tan. Realization washed over him like a wave and the surroundings suddenly become clearer - a cramped dorm room littered with hastily discarded clothes, a stuffed bear clutching a heart lying amidst a pile of jeans - and Blaine. Face down on the mattress, moaning softly, warm and pliant.  
  
“Kurt -  _fuck_. Right there -“ Kurt stopped moving, his head spinning and body burning with heat, desire,  _guilt_. Blaine turned his head back to look at him with a confused frown. “Why the hell are you stopping?”  
  
Kurt couldn’t form a reply. He tried to pull out, move away but Blaine rolled his hips up insistently, burying Kurt deeper inside of him.  
  
“Fuck,  _Kurt_ ” Blaine breathed. “I love you so much.”  
  
Kurt felt his heart clench and stomach swoop with the familiar jittery happiness that he used to feel whenever Blaine told him that. His hips stuttered, body reeling on the edge of an orgasm. He came as he woke up, back arching and cock throbbing in his briefs.  
  
For a few seconds, Kurt could do nothing but stare at the ceiling, willing himself to regain control of his breathing. His body felt loose and tight at the same time; boneless with his release and tense with the guilt coursing through him. The room was dark, a thin strip of moonlight streaking through a slit in the blinds. It was probably hours before dawn. When Kurt turned his head, he found Sebastian sprawled out on his stomach next to him, fast asleep. He’d forgone his normal nightly attire in favor of sleeping naked since he’d insisted the formalities were unnecessary. He looked innocent in his sleep, peaceful. Kurt felt a fresh wave of guilt, accompanied by a sickness in his stomach and a throb in his temple at the sight of him.  
  
He reached out and touched Sebastian’s shoulder, curving his palm to the shape of it and soaking in the feeling of his sleep warm skin. Sebastian didn’t move, not even when Kurt leaned in and pressed his lips to his cheek. Pushing away the dream felt easier this way, with Sebastian real and solid next to him but when Kurt tried to shift closer, the stickiness in his underwear made his face twist in discomfort and the image of Blaine’s flushed face came crashing back to his mind’s eye.  
  
Kurt grit his teeth and took a deep breath, fighting the buzzing that had started up in his ears. He needed to breathe. He couldn’t breathe here.  
  
Quietly, he slipped out of bed, grabbing a clean pair of underwear and some clothes as he went. He was halfway to the bedroom door when he turned back and went to his bedside table. The drawer creaked slightly when Kurt slid it open but he managed to find his wedding band easily. Sebastian snuffled in his sleep and turned onto his back when Kurt shut the door behind him, but he didn’t wake up.  
_  
  
Kurt stayed on the roof for hours, doing nothing but staring out at the city and breathing deeply, his fingers constantly twirling the ring in his hands. He tried to block his thoughts but it was like trying to stop a tide from crashing. This wasn’t the first time he’d dreamt about Blaine - he’d been dreaming about him constantly for the past few weeks. But this  _was_  the first time they had been doing anything that didn’t earn a PG-13 rating.  
  
He was desperate for the quiet calm that had settled around him last night after talking to Sebastian, for the feeling of completeness that he’d got when they both lay wrapped around each other afterwards. But at the moment all he felt was guilty and helpless and there was no way he’d be able to look Sebastian in the eye for at least a couple of days.  
  
“You know if you’re going to leave a guy in the middle of the night, a heads up would be nice.”  
  
Well, not looking at him wasn’t really an option, was it?  
  
Kurt turned around to see Sebastian making his way towards him in a pair of shorts and slippers, hair a wild mess and eyes still sleep heavy. He barely had time to wipe discreetly as his tears before Sebastian was hoisting himself up to sit on the ledge with him.  
  
“How’d you know I was here?” Kurt asked.  
  
“I had a feeling,” Sebastian said. “You’re lucky I didn’t start freaking out when you weren’t in the apartment.”  
  
“Sorry,” Kurt said. “I just needed some fresh air. It was too hot down there.”  
  
“I’m sure it was,” Sebastian said with a smirk. At Kurt’s frown, he added. “Guess what I saw in the bathroom?” Kurt’s heart sunk at the thought of the soiled boxers he’d thrown aside without thought but Sebastian apparently, seemed to find the whole thing hilarious. “If you were horny, you could have woken me up,” he said, leaning in and dropping his gaze to Kurt’s mouth. “We could have gone for round three.”  
  
His words only made Kurt guiltier and he pushed Sebastian away when he tried to kiss him. “Stop it,” he muttered.  
  
Sebastian moved back, but barely. “What’s up?” he asked, voice softer.  
  
Kurt looked down at his hands, twirling the ring in circles again. He was tempted to say  _nothing_  and follow Sebastian back to bed but the sensible part of his brain knew that hiding this from Sebastian would only make things worse. But god - how was he supposed to explain to his husband that he’d just had a wet dream about his ex boyfriend?  
  
“Kurt?” Sebastian prompted. “What’s going on?”  
  
His heart thudding, Kurt whispered, “I had another dream about Blaine.”  
  
Sebastian stared at him, still confused. “So?”  
  
“I had a  _dream_  about Blaine,” he said slowly, keeping his eyes on Sebastian’s and hoping desperately that Sebastian wouldn’t make him explain any further.  
  
He’d got his point across apparently because Sebastian’s lips parted and he leaned back, blinking a couple of times until all traces of sleep disappeared. “Oh,” he said, looking away as if not sure how to respond. His grin had disappeared, replaced by a crease between his eyebrows and a little twist to his mouth that Kurt instinctively knew was indicative of how Sebastian was upset but was trying to hide it.  
  
“I was dreaming about you first,” Kurt said, sounding helpless. “It just happened. I’m so sorry -”  
  
“You weren’t thinking about him though, right?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Blaine. You weren’t thinking about him when we were having sex. Or afterwards? You didn’t wish it was him?”  
  
“How could you even think that? No. Of course not.”  
  
“Then I don’t really care.” Sebastian said with a shrug like that solved everything.  
  
“You don’t care that I’m having sex with him in my dreams?” Kurt asked, quirking an eyebrow.  
  
Sebastian laughed, “No.”  
  
Kurt had expected to be relieved by Sebastian’s easy acceptance. Instead, he felt only more wound up. “How are you so okay with this all of a sudden?”  
  
“It’s not like you can control your dreams,” Sebastian said. “And you did say you were dreaming about me first.” Kurt turned away from him again, shaking his head at how messed up everything felt in his mind. Sebastian was staring at him quietly and from the corner of his eye, Kurt could see how he was frowning again. “This is bugging you isn’t it?”  
  
“Of course it’s bugging me Sebastian,” Kurt said, just barely suppressing the urge to roll his eyes.  
  
“Kurt, if you’re feeling guilty over a stupid dream -”  
  
“It wasn’t just a dream,” Kurt said, ducking his head down and gripping his ring tightly in between his thumb and forefinger. “I’m pretty sure it was a memory of some kind. There was this stupid bear on the floor I remember buying him from the airport gift shop when I went to surprise him for Valentine’s Day.”  
  
“Okay, so it was a memory. It was still something you couldn’t stop -  _Kurt_ ,” he forced Kurt’s gaze back to his. “Stop beating yourself up over this.”  
  
“Look I appreciate what you’re trying to do but -”  
  
“I’m not trying to do anything,” Sebastian cut him off, reaching to tug the ring out of Kurt’s grip. Kurt fought the sudden lump that rose in his throat when Sebastian took his left hand. He was a hopeless romantic, he always would be and something about the way the moonlight was bathing Sebastian’s face in a soft glow as he slid the ring on Kurt’s finger was incredibly romantic. Sebastian stared at their hands for a long moment, his face contemplative before he met Kurt’s gaze with a firm expression. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re mine,” he said, his voice deep and comforting in a way that made Kurt’s body curl towards him. “And as long as you  _want_  to be mine, I’m not going to let some stupid dreams convince me otherwise.”  
  
Kurt finally relaxed, his shoulders slumping as he let out a deep breath and squeezed Sebastian’s hands. “Well it’s not like you stopped fighting even when I  _didn’t_  want to be yours,” he said with a small smile. “You’re pretty insistent.”  
  
“I don’t like having my things taken away from me,” Sebastian said with a grin, sliding down from the ledge. He stepped in between Kurt’s parting thighs, bracketing his arms on the ledge on either side of Kurt’s waist. “Besides, it’s not like I’m a stranger to sexy dreams about other people.”  
  
“Really?” Kurt said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“You don’t remember all my fantasies about Nathan? You’re in a lot of them,” he said as he leaned in to capture Kurt’s lips. Kurt lost himself in the kiss for a few seconds, feeling the buzzing in his ears quieten down until it rushed up again with the image of a tall, brunette boy with large eyes and an Australian accent. He cupped Sebastian’s jaw and pulled away, fixing him with a questioning gaze.  
  
“Wait, Nathan as in the lead singer from  _Ourselves_  Nathan?”  
  
Sebastian grinned. “So you  _do_  remember.”  
  
Kurt’s head spun with the knowledge, with the sudden images of kneeling next to Sebastian on the bed as Sebastian touched himself and elaborated on the fantasy he’d been having about Kurt fucking Nathan on their dining table and - “Oh my god,” Kurt said with a helpless bout of laughter. “ _Nathan_.”  
  
“So are we even now?” Sebastian asked, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulling him off the ledge. Kurt wanted to point out how there was a huge difference between dreaming about a celebrity and dreaming about your ex-boyfriend especially when that dream was more of an intimate memory than a fantasy but Sebastian was grinning at him, dragging his knuckles along Kurt’s back and Kurt was more than ready to let go of this night.  
  
“I guess,” he said.  
  
“Great. Now if we’re done here I’d like to go back down and get some sleep because I have to be up for work in less than four hours.”  
  
“You’ve woken up easily with less,” Kurt said as they started towards the stairs. He loved how he could pull examples from the top of his head without straining to remember. For all the things that were still blocked in his memory, it felt so easy to remember Sebastian, even if most of the incidents were just fuzzy recollections rather than detailed flashbacks.  
  
“Well in that case,” Sebastian shot Kurt a grin over his shoulder as he opened the apartment door and the second they were both inside, he spun Kurt around and pinned him to the door. “You should tell me more about those dreams you were having of me.”  
  
“Not going to happen, Sebastian,” Kurt said, sidestepping him and toeing off the sandals he’d worn up to the roof.  
  
“Why not?” Sebastian said, following him into the bedroom as he stripped his clothes and threw them aside.  
  
“Because I’ve already come three times tonight and I don’t think I can again.”  
  
Sebastian didn’t seem to take that as a sufficient excuse. He grabbed Kurt by the waist and fell onto the bed with him, throwing a leg over his hip to keep him from squirming away. Kurt didn’t fight him. This felt easy, this felt familiar and natural and he moved without thinking, curving an arm under Sebastian’s shoulder and threading his hand through his hair.  
__  
  
 _”Oh hey,” Kurt says, voice thick and croaky from sleep when he feels the bed dip. It’s dark and if he had the energy to open his eyes, he’d see that the digital clock on his side table reads a quarter past two.  
  
Sebastian slides in to press his body along Kurt’s back, smelling strongly of alcohol but beneath that, he's all clean sweat and fading cologne._ _“Hey,” he says, slurring a little._ _His lips are turned up in a smile when he kisses Kurt’s neck.  
  
“Have fun?” Kurt asks, melting into the embrace when Sebastian circles an arm around his waist. He doesn’t mind Sebastian having his own life, his own friends and he hadn’t been upset when Sebastian called to cancel their plans for dinner because he wanted to go out with a bunch of guys from work. But having Sebastian come home to him at the end of the night is something he still looks forward to even if he doesn't wait up. He can never quiet sleep as peacefully alone now that he's so used to sharing a bed with Sebastian.    
  
“Mm,” Sebastian starts to mouth along Kurt’s neck, hand sliding around Kurt’s waist to rest on his stomach. “You shudda come too.”  
  
“Drinking with a group of pretentious lawyers isn’t really my thing.”  
  
Sebastian ignores him and nips at his jaw before sucking a kiss over the bite. “You awake enough for some fun of our own?”  
  
Kurt’s not. Not really, he’s already half asleep but before he can say that, Sebastian is muttering something and shifting away from Kurt to fumble with the cushions near his hip. “Someone had a good time without me,” he says when he finds the dildo Kurt had forgotten to put away. He sounds equal parts amused and upset at having missed out on the fun.  
  
“I wasn’t going to wait around for you to come back,” Kurt says with a half shrug, turning away and closing his eyes. “Its your own loss.”  
  
“Fuck,” Sebastian says, throwing the toy aside and moving to wriggle out of his clothes before sliding back in. “Did you imagine it was me?” he asks as he gently pushes Kurt so he’s fully on his stomach. “Did you wish it was my cock in you?”  
  
Kurt hums when Sebastian drapes himself over his back, the weight of him warm and perfect. He’s really sleepy and the soothing kisses Sebastian is trailing along his shoulder blades aren’t helping keeping him awake.  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian says when he doesn’t reply. “I asked you if you were thinking of me.”  
  
“’course I was,” Kurt mumbles, pressing his cheek into the pillow and letting out a quiet sigh when Sebastian kisses the dimple on his back.  
  
“I wish I could have been here to see you.” Sebastian moves back up, lips pressing against the nape of Kurt’s neck as he uses his knees to nudge his thighs apart. “You look so fucking hot when you touch yourself.”  
  
“Mm.”  
  
“Did you watch that video we made?” he asks. Kurt smiles at how pleased Sebastian sounds at the prospect.  
  
“Yes,” he manages to say even though his tongue feels heavy. It’s worth the effort because Sebastian lets out a low growl and ducks forward to angle Kurt’s head so he can kiss him.  
  
“Fuck that’s so hot,” he says. The kiss is messy and awkward from this angle but Sebastian is apparently too drunk, or too horny to care. Kurt can feel his erection sliding against the back of his thigh as Sebastian slowly ruts against him. From what seems like far away, he hears the click of a bottle cap being opened and a second later, two slicked fingers circling his hole. They slide in easily, his muscles still loose from the hour he’d spent slowly fucking himself. “Kurt,” Sebastian breathes, pressing his forehead to Kurt’s back. “Kurt, fuck, Kurt. You’re so hot baby. You’re so fucking hot.”  
  
And you are so fucking drunk, Kurt thinks with a smile.  
  
Sebastian manages to slide into him with one smooth thrust and the second he’s buried fully inside of Kurt, he moans loudly - loud enough to jolt Kurt into opening his eyes. He can’t bring himself to feel frustrated though because Sebastian whispers, “I love you” and starts to grind his hips against him in a way that even Kurt’s sleep fogged mind can’t ignore.  
  
He lets himself ride the intermingled waves of sleep and pleasure, smiling into his pillow when Sebastian’s hand finds his and tangles their fingers together. He’s rambling something against Kurt’s skin, probably variations of how hot he thinks Kurt is and how much he loves him and though Kurt doesn’t register any of them, he feels the warm glow seep into his bones with every vibration of the words against his body.  
  
He doesn’t know who comes first, just that he does at some point, fingers tightening around Sebastian’s as his toes curl and his body goes lax with pleasure. It’s not like the orgasms he’d given himself, it’s sweeter, spreading through him slowly and making him sink further into the mattress.  
  
“I love you,” Sebastian whispers when he collapses onto his back next to him. Kurt can’t be bothered by the stickiness on the sheets, or by replying to Sebastian. He doesn’t have to. He musters up enough energy to turn over and settle against Sebastian’s side, kissing whatever warm patch of skin his lips find before he drifts off to sleep once more feeling sated and loved. _  
_  
  
“Can you drink?” Sebastian asked over dinner two nights later. They were at the same hole in the wall Italian place where they’d had dinner with Burt. Sebastian had met Kurt there straight from work and while he didn't look as sharp as he did in the mornings, the sight of him with his collar button undone and tie loose was a constant distraction for him. And for the teenage girl to their left if the blush on her cheeks and the smitten glances she kept shooting Sebastian were any indication.  
  
“Drink as in alcohol?” Kurt asked.  
  
“What else?”  
  
Kurt hadn’t felt the need to take his medication since he’d quit work. He spent most of his time wandering around the city - there was still so much to see - until he settled down at Roasters with a sketchpad and let his hand flow. He hadn’t made much progress, but it had been soothing to work without the pressure of impressing anyone or meeting any deadlines. Even though his head was as clear as it was going to get what with random memories jumping out at him at various points of the day, he wasn’t sure if alcohol would be the best decision.  
  
“I think it’s best if I didn’t,” he said after a moment. “Intoxication isn’t really going to help keep my head on my shoulders.”  
  
“Not even a little bit?”  
  
“Why, are you in the mood to get drunk?” Kurt asked, with a small smile.  
  
“Not drunk. Just. I’m in the mood to loosen up a bit, it’s Friday night.” He leaned back in his chair and stretched slightly in a way that made the shirt he was wearing go taut around his shoulders in the most delicious ways. “What’s the harm in one drink?”  
  
Kurt was about to reply when he caught the girl staring at Sebastian with her lips parted and cheeks now a flaming shade of red. It was then that he noticed Sebastian was flexing his arms a bit, smirking even though his eyes were fixed on Kurt, patiently waiting for a reply. Kurt shook his head fondly as the girl turned away to take hasty gulps of water.  
  
“You knew she was staring at you,”  
  
“I don’t know who you’re talking about.”  
  
“Oh you know exactly who I’m talking about,” Kurt said with a grin. “That poor girl.”  
  
“I’ll just gave her a month's worth of wet dreams.” Sebastian said with a smug smile. His face turned serious and he sat up straight again, losing his interest in putting on a show. “So - where do we stand on going to Jack's?”  
  
“I have no problem with going,” Kurt said with a shrug. “I just don’t want to drink.”  
  
“Fair enough,” Sebastian said with a sigh, motioning for the bill.  
  
Kurt noticed the girl follow them when they stood up but he didn’t think much of it. Not until they were at the door and she very purposefully walked straight into Sebastian’s back. “Oh, god sorry!” she said, fumbling over her words when Sebastian turned to look at her. “I was texting my friend and I didn’t see ...” she trailed off at the grin Sebastian flashed her.  
  
“It’s okay, sweetheart.”  
  
“Be careful next time,” Kurt said to her when they stepped outside. “I had a friend who fell into a fountain because she was texting while walking.”  
  
The girl blinked, looking away from Sebastian to Kurt. “What?” she sounded annoyed at the interruption.  
  
“I said you might want to be more careful next time,” Kurt said in a sharper tone, his previous amusement at her crush dissipating at the glare she was giving him.  
  
“Yeah whatever,” she muttered before giving Sebastian another quick smile and disappearing in the opposite direction.  
  
Kurt stared after her, shaking his head. “She did that on purpose.”  
  
Sebastian ignored him and said, “Tell me more about this friend who fell into a fountain.”  
  
“You don’t know?” Kurt asked with surprise. “It was Tina. Back in high school, I think she was shopping for props or something at the mall.”  
  
“And she just fell into a fountain while texting?”  
  
“She wasn’t looking at where she was going. Tripped.”  
  
“Oh, Tina Blowin Wang,” Sebastian said fondly, shaking his head. “I always did like her.”  
  
It was only when they entered the bar that Kurt realized how easily the memory of Tina falling into the fountain had come to him. He remembered nothing about what happened afterwards or when exactly in high school this had happened but still, he’d remembered. And without actively trying to.  
  
He felt giddy when he sat down on the stool next to Sebastian, so caught up with himself he didn’t notice that Sebastian was sliding a glass over to him with a smirk on his face. “A Shirley temple with extra cherries for Kurt.” Kurt looked from the drink to Sebastian’s face and shook his head as the memories of that night at Scandals came back to him. They were clearer than anything else he was remembering lately, closer to the time frame he’d woken up in and he was willing to bet anything Sebastian had ordered this drink on purpose.  
  
“Fuck you,” Kurt said, still grinning. “You were such a jerk.”  
  
“And you were so freaking uptight,” Sebastian said, shaking his head as he picked up his own glass and took a sip. “Thank god you’ve loosened up over the years.”  
  
Though Kurt could recall similar nights where they had sat around at this very bar just drinking and talking with each other or with a group of friends, it felt like a whole new experience all the same. He loved watching the way Sebastian’s skin flushed as he got progressively drunker, how his whole body seemed to relax and the way he leaned closer to Kurt’s side. It was when Sebastian almost slid off his stool from laughing so hard that Kurt decided he’d had enough for one night.  
  
“Okay,” he said, shaking his head at the bartender when Sebastian motioned for a refill. “That’s enough for you.”  
  
Sebastian looked like he was going to protest but halfway through narrowing his eyes at Kurt, his expression changed. “I have to pee,” he said suddenly and got up. Kurt watched him make his way towards the bathrooms with a laugh and pulled out his wallet.  
  
“Your boyfriend?” The bartender asked. He was new Kurt noticed. Or maybe he wasn’t but judging by how Kurt had recognized the rest of the staff, he had a feeling he was right.  
  
“Husband,” he said as he placed the bills on the counter. The word sent liquidy warmth spreading through him, right down to the tips of his toes. He was a bit surprised at how much he enjoyed saying it. His ring seemed to flare with heat, making its presence felt on his finger. Kurt hadn’t removed it since the night Sebastian had slid it on his finger.  
  
The bartender smiled and scooped the bills up, moving down to serve another customer. Kurt leaned forward on his stool, stirring the melting ice cubes in his glass as he waited for Sebastian to come back from the bathroom.  
  
“Can I buy you another drink, gorgeous?”  
  
Kurt looked up in time to see a man sliding in to take Sebastian’s vacated stool. He was about Kurt’s height with striking green eyes and stubble lining his face in a way that gave him a roguish charm. Definitely easy on the eyes. “Thanks,” Kurt said with a smile. “But I’m married.”  
  
The guy didn’t seem shaken by this information. If anything his grin grew wider, more confident. “That didn’t stop you last time.”  


Kurt’s smile froze in place. “I’m - I’m sorry?”  
  
The man grinned, leaning his elbow on the bar and propping his chin on his hand. “You look surprised to see me.”  
  
“Who are you?” Kurt asked, not even bothering with trying to remember himself. His mind was going into overdrive like it often did when he was confronted with something particularly shocking from his past. He was imagining a hundred different scenarios that would explain the identity of this person and his previous statement. Maybe they had met on a night when Kurt had been pissed at Sebastian and let this guy buy him drinks just to spite him. Maybe the drinks had led to a few too hot too close dances and some groping and god - he hadn’t cheated. He  _wouldn’t have cheated._  
  
Right?  
  
The man’s grin wavered and a crease appeared between his eyebrows. “Um, Kurt,” he said, expression flickering between amusement and confusion. “It’s Chandler.”  
  
Nothing jumped out at him with the name like Kurt had expected but somewhere in his mind he knew this Chandler - whoever he was - wasn’t a threat. Well, he wasn’t  _much_  of a threat because Kurt still felt distinctly uncomfortable under his curious gaze but something was telling him he was harmless. He still wished Sebastian would come back and help him out here, at least he’d feel a bit more at ease with him nearby.  
  
Chandler was now rubbing at the stubble on his chin with a self conscious expression, eyeing Kurt unsurely. “I mean I know I haven’t shaved in a few days,” he said with a small, nervous laugh. “But come on sweetie, you can’t forget me that easily.”  
  
It was the endearment and the familiar, easy way it had been said that made Kurt stiffen even more. “How do we know each other?” he asked sharply.  
  
“Is this a joke? This is a joke, right?” Chandler said, looking around the bar like he was expecting a swarm of people to jump out with cameras before turning back to Kurt. “Or have I just accidentally come across your twin who just happens to be called Kurt?” When Kurt didn’t smile or reply, Chandler’s face became even more distressed. “Okay maybe your drunk sweetie, or maybe you just think this is funny but you’re actually scaring me Kurt -” Kurt remained silent, trying to place Chandlers name and face with the hazy images in his head. It was apparently too much of a test on Chandler’s patience because he slid to his feet and said, “I’m going to go okay?”  
  
“That’s probably the best thing to do right now,” Kurt said, watching the way Chandler ran a hand through his hair, messing it up and letting it flop onto his forehead. He looked like he wanted to say something but he was staring at Kurt like he was going to explode any second. In the end, he just nodded, cast one last wary look at Kurt and left, bumping into a young couple on his way out.  
  
“Oh man,” a voice said from behind him.  
  
Kurt spun his stool around to face Sebastian. “Where the hell were you?!” he demanded. “I was beginning to think you’d drowned yourselves in the toilet.”  
  
“I was enjoying the show,” Sebastian said, tugging on Kurt’s arm and pulling him to his feet. “His face -” he gestured towards the door through which Chandler had just disappeared. “-was the most entertaining thing I have seen all week.”  
  
Kurt rolled his eyes as they stepped out but a second later, he found himself asking, “Wait so you know him?”  
  
“Everybody knows Chandler,” Sebastian said, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and leaning on him. “He’s annoying as fuck.”  
  
“Who is he?”  
  
“Some friend of yours, I don’t know. He’s crazy.”  
  
“We’re friends?” Kurt asked, suddenly feeling guilty at the thought of the panicked look on Chandler’s face. “I thought I’d cheated on you.”  
  
“What, with  _Chandler_?” Sebastian snorted and dissolved into laughter. “Oh god, baby you can do so much better than him. Besides, it’s not  _me_  you cheated on.” Kurt wanted to ask him what he meant by that but Sebastian leaned down to place a sloppy kiss on his cheek and Kurt’s train of thought was broken by a wave of disconnected images of him helping a handsy, drunk Sebastian home so many times in the past.  
  
Kurt smiled and tucked his hand it into the back pocket of Sebastian’s slacks. “You’ve certainly managed to loosen up,” he teased.  
  
“You know what would have been even better?” Sebastian said. “If we’d gone dancing. That would have been awesome. We haven’t been to  _Pulse_  in ages.”  
  
Kurt didn’t have to ask to know  _Pulse_  was the club they frequented. “Oh god, no.” He said, shaking his head. “I can’t even imagine the headaches I’d get with all the thumping music.”  
  
Sebastian pouted a little until his face broke into a grin. “Well then I have a better idea.” he said, eyes shining with excitement. He leaned over, his mouth brushing Kurt’s ear and it was up to Kurt to maneuver them through the crowd without crashing into other pedestrians. “When we get home,” Sebastian whispered, “You should spread me out on all fours, tie me to the bed and then fuck -”  
  
Sebastian’s cell phone started to ring. He broke off, looking irritated as he stared down at himself like he was expecting his phone to present itself. Kurt laughed as Sebastian drew back to take his phone out of his front pocket, looking more irritated by the second. He huffed when he saw the caller ID and Kurt heard him mutter  _Fucking cockblocker_  before he was raising the phone to his ear and saying “What?” in lieu of a greeting. “Yeah,” he continued after a pause. “That’s because we’re not home, idiot.” Whoever was on the other line said something that made Sebastian frown. “Wait - wait, slow down. God, I can’t understand a word you’re saying,” he sighed, leaning even more on Kurt. “Look, killer. We’ll be home in a bit okay? Just hang in there.”  
  
“Was that Blaine?” Kurt asked when Sebastian shoved his phone back into his pocket and readjusted his grip on Kurt’s waist. Sebastian nodded. “What happened?”  
  
“Tyler happened.” Sebastian said with a sigh.  
  
“Who’s Tyler?”  
  
“A long story.”  



	19. Chapter 19

Blaine was sitting with his back to their apartment door, legs spread out in front of him when they got back. “Finally!” he said, scrambling to his feet when he saw Kurt and Sebastian.  
  
“Hi,” Kurt said, not quite meeting Blaine’s gaze as fumbled for his keys. They hadn’t spoken in a while, mostly Kurt’s own doing. Being around Blaine had become a lot harder once he started remembering things about their shared past and this time around, he’d chosen to deal with it on his own. Blaine hadn’t been pushing for contact either though, he’d been fairly MIA himself come to think of it. Kurt was probably going to find out why soon enough.  
  
“Who let you into the building?” Sebastian asked, leaning against the wall while Kurt unlocked the door.  
  
“Mrs. Conner’s,” Blaine said. “She was coming home from the grocery store and saw me banging on your intercom.”  
  
“She just let you in?” Kurt asked as he pushed the door open and stepped inside, flicking on a few lights in the process.  
  
“Of course she did. She knows me. I helped catsit for her once.”  
  
Kurt raised an eyebrow but was immediately distracted by Sebastian tripping over the shoes near the door and almost crashing to the ground. Sebastian giggled when Kurt wrapped an arm around his waist to steady him. “Whoops.”  
  
“How drunk is he?” Blaine asked, frowning at Sebastian.  
  
“I think he’s pretending to be drunker than he is.” Kurt said, staring firmly at Sebastian and trying not to smile at the wide grin Sebastian gave him in return.  
  
“Well I need booze.” Blaine said, rubbing his forehead. “Lots of it.”  
  
He started towards the kitchen with confident familiarity as Kurt dragged Sebastian towards the couch. “Don’t touch any of the expensive stuff!” Sebastian called after Blaine. “Everything else - knock yourself out.” He collapsed onto the couch with a small  _oof_. Kurt moved to unlace and remove Sebastian’s shoes but halfway through, Sebastian grabbed his arm and pulled him up so Kurt collapsed against his chest. “Kiss me,” he said suddenly, voice low.  
  
“Where’s this coming from?” Kurt asked.  
  
“Just kiss me Kurt,” Sebastian demanded impatiently. He grabbed the back of Kurt’s head and pulled him down into a messy kiss that lasted only for a few seconds but left Sebastian’s face flushed pink when Kurt moved back. “Mm, good.” he mumbled before slumping back against the couch and letting Kurt remove his shoes.  
  
Kurt shook his head and set the shoes next to the couch. He stayed on his knees though, between Sebastian’s spread legs, staring absently at the way Sebastian’s shirt had come untucked. He was stalling, he knew he was. But it felt safer here, it felt easy to pretend it was just the two of them and Blaine wasn’t grumbling to himself about some guy named Tyler in their kitchen.  
  
Kurt didn’t want to think of who Tyler was. Blaine had told him he didn’t have a boyfriend, there had been no mention of Blaine dating anyone in the past few weeks and now out of nowhere, this Tyler figure had appeared. Kurt felt cheated and lied to but he tried to hold on to his emotions until he heard the full story.  
  
“Please tell me he didn’t just pass out.”  
  
Kurt swallowed and stood up, turning to find Blaine nursing a beer and staring accusingly at Sebastian. “No,” Kurt said. “He’s very much awake.”  
  
“Mmhm,” Sebastian hummed He reached out and grabbed a fistful of Kurt’s shirt at the small of his back, dragging him down onto the couch next to him. Kurt collapsed against the cushions and barely had time to adjust himself comfortably before Sebastian was shifting, stretching his legs out and plopping his head in Kurt’s lap. Once he was settled, he turned his face towards Blaine and his voice was much more sober and compassionate than before when he said, “Now in slow, clear words - tell me what the fuck that asshole did this time.”  
  
Blaine didn’t answer right away. He looked at Kurt and asked, “Do you know who Tyler is?” Kurt shook his head. Blaine sighed, looking almost - disappointed? “Well I’m sorry I don’t really have the energy to explain right now so do you mind if I just dived right in with him?” he gestured towards Sebastian.  
  
Kurt, ignoring the sting he felt at Blaine’s words, nodded. “Yeah. Sure. Maybe I’ll catch up along the way.”  
  
“Great,” Blaine said with a tired nod. He looked at Sebastian again and took a deep breath before saying, “He came back.”  
  
There was a pause. Kurt looked from Blaine’s face down to Sebastian’s in his lap. Both boys were frowning in silence and Kurt wanted to claw his eyes out with his need to know what was going on.  
  
_  
  
 _“Kurt, are you even listening to me?”  
  
They’re in a shop - Kurt’s holding up a gorgeous red and blue sweater, feeling the softness of it on his fingers and imaging how well it’ll fit on Sebastian’s shoulders. “Of course I am,” he says, turning the price tag and grinning at the discounted price.  
  
“And?”  
  
“And I think you’re rushing things,” Kurt says simply. “Blaine. You’ve known Tyler for what - two months and you’re already planning on proposing to him. It’s insane.”  
  
“I love him.”  
  
Kurt looks at the sincerity on Blaine’s face and sighs. “It’s too soon. You barely know the guy.”  
  
“You’re one to talk. You fell in love with Sebastian barely two  _weeks_  after you started dating him.”  
  
“We’d known each other for six months before that, not counting our time in Lima which is much more than you can say for yourself and Tyler.”  
  
Blaine huffs in frustration and runs a hand through his hair. “Look, I really like this guy.”  
  
“I know,” Kurt says softly. “But really liking the guy is not exactly the strongest reason to propose to him. This just reeks of another Gap Attack, sweetie.”  
  
Blaine scowls at the reminder and Kurt can see the defensive set to his jaw when he says, “Tyler’s nothing like Jeremiah.”  
  
“They certainly share the same head of hair,” Kurt comments with a laugh.  
  
“Kurt, can you please be serious here for a second?”  
  
“I am serious. I’m seriously telling you that you’re making a mistake - what do you think of this sweater? Sebastian always look great in bl - hey, where are you going?”  
  
“To find a friend who doesn’t give shit advice!”_  
_  
  
“When?” Sebastian asked.  
  
Blaine took a swing of beer. “This morning. Showed up at my doorstep like nothing had happened. He was still wearing his ring.”  
  
“The fucker,” Sebastian murmured.  
  
“He said he’d needed time to figure things out -”  
  
“Bullshit.”  
  
“That’s what I said.” Blaine shook his head, gripping his bottle tighter. “And that’s not even the worst part. He thinks we’re still engaged since he didn’t  _actually_  break up with me.”  
  
Sebastian snorted. “Really? Dropping off the face of the earth for three months with no contact didn’t count as breaking up?”  
  
Blaine shrugged and swirled his finger along the countertop. “Apparently not.”  
  
_  
  
 _“I just don’t understand why you would do that,” Kurt says, shaking his head as he squeezes some shampoo into his hand.  
  
“He wanted someone to support his crazy decision, I did.”  
  
“Why?” Kurt says, working the shampoo into his hair. “Why the hell would you encourage something that is obviously going to do nothing but hurt him?”  
  
“Because he needs to make this decision for himself,” Sebastian says with a shrug, wrapping his arms around Kurt’s waist and kissing his wet shoulder.  
  
Kurt elbows his chest and pulls free of his grip. “We’re his friends, Sebastian. We’re supposed to be helping him. Not encouraging him to dive face first into a death trap.”  
  
“Stop being so dramatic, Kurt.” Sebastian says with a sigh. “Blaine’s a big boy. If he wants Tyler, let him have Tyler. You remember how many people tried to tell you I wasn’t good for you?” he leans forward again, mouthing at the nape of Kurt’s neck where the last traces of shampoo have just been washed away. “And how you didn’t give a shit about what they said?”  
  
Kurt rolls shoulders, trying to squirm away. “I should have listened,” he says with a roll of his eyes.  
  
Sebastian brings a slippery hand to his waist and holds him steady, grinning against his skin. “But you didn’t,” he teases. “And look how well that turned out for you.”  
  
Kurt turns around, sighing as he wraps his arms around Sebastian’s neck. “I guess it could have been worse,” he says with a smile. _  
_  
  
Kurt listened to Blaine explain Tyler’s attempts at justifying his disappearance but he was far too busy mulling over the past to concentrate properly.  
  
Tyler. Tyler Warsaw. He’d been a DJ at  _Pulse_  where he’d met Blaine for the first time thanks to Kurt and Sebastian’s excellent wingman skills. Kurt tried to remember details but all he could recall was Blaine wanting to get laid - had it been his birthday?  
  
How Blaine had gone from wanting a simple, fun one night stand to a full long term committed relationship -  _a marriage proposal_ , for god’s sake - in the span of two weeks was way beyond Kurt’s comprehension.  
  
But then again, this was Blaine. Blaine who had sang a love song to a guy he’d met for coffee twice at his workplace, who thought Sebastian’s aggressive flirting had been  _harmless_ , who had given Kurt a promise ring less than a year after they had started dating.  
  
“Blaine,” Sebastian said, his voice suddenly cautious. “Please tell me you didn’t forgive him.”  
  
“Of course not!” Blaine said. “How stupid do you think I am?”  
  
Sebastian didn’t look convinced. “Do you  _want_  to forgive him?”  
  
Blaine drained the last of his beer and stood up, “I need something stronger.”  
_  
  
 _“He said **what?** ”  
  
“Yes! He said yes!”  
  
Kurt looks over at Sebastian where he’s got a game controller in one hand a can of Diet Coke in the other. He catches Kurt’s eye and nods his head questioningly.  
  
“Kurt?” Blaine says from the other end of the line. “You still there?”  
  
“Y-yeah,” Kurt says, walking over to Sebastian feeling shaky on his feet. “I’m here. That’s - that’s good.”  
  
“Good? I’m getting married dummy - it’s fucking fantastic!”  
  
Kurt manages a small laugh and leans into Sebastian, dropping his forehead onto his shoulder as Sebastian continues to play his stupid game. “I’m really happy for you.”  
  
“Sebastian around?” Blaine asks.  
  
“No,” Kurt lies. “He’s taking a shower.”  
  
Sebastian turns his head to look at him with raised eyebrows but Kurt pinches his side and he turns back to his game.  
  
“Don’t tell him. I want to surprise him with the news when I come over tonight.”  
  
“Great,” Kurt says. That’s about the only reply he can manage right now. He hangs up and drops the phone on to the couch before looking at Sebastian. “Tyler said yes.”  
  
“Well, fuck.” Sebastian says, pausing the game and turning towards Kurt. “Didn’t see that one coming.” _  
_  
  
Kurt felt like he had melted into the background after a few minutes. He found his hands threaded through Sebastian’s hair, gently crawling back and forth along his scalp while Blaine and Sebastian talked. Sebastian’s eyes were drooping like they did when he was very tired but Kurt could see the effort he was making to stay awake and listen to Blaine. Kurt didn’t know whether he felt relieved or upset over the fact that Blaine was completely ignoring him, not even trying to seek out any advice from him.  
  
_  
  
 _“What’s going on?” Kurt asks when he comes home to find Blaine asleep on their couch and Sebastian watching him with a sympathetic expression on his face.  
  
“Oh hey,” Sebastian whispers, standing up and making his way towards Kurt. He takes the garment bags from Kurt’s hand and leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Kurt asks in a low voice, looking at Blaine’s sleeping form.  
  
There’s a pause where Sebastian follows Kurt’s gaze and sighs. “Tyler left,” he says eventually.  
  
“What?” Kurt asks, eyes widening.  
  
“This morning - he just disappeared. Didn’t leave a note, won’t answer his phone - he’s just...gone.” _  
_  
  
“Blaine, you know what you should do?” Sebastian said when he finally sat up. “Fuck him.”  
  
“Yeah, thanks.” Blaine said with a roll of his eyes.  
  
“No,” Sebastian said. “I actually mean  _fuck him_. Give him the best sex of his life and then dump his sorry ass. That, my friend, is going to be true payba-whoa.” He crashed back down to the couch after attempting to stand up too fast.  
  
“Easy,” Kurt said, gripping his forearm.  
  
“Seb,” Blaine said with a sigh, rubbing his forehead. “Fucking Tyler is the last thing I should be thinking about.”  
  
“What you should be thinking about is getting some sleep,” Kurt said finally. “You look exhausted and in some serious need of rest.” Blaine looked at him properly for the first time that night, his eyes full of sadness and a longing for something Kurt couldn’t place? He didn’t dwell on it too much. “I assume you’re crashing here tonight?”  
  
“Of course he is,” Sebastian said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
Blaine nodded. “Yeah I’ll just crash on the couch.”  
  
“We have a guest room,” Kurt reminded him. “Although you might have to clean up a bit because I’ve been using it as a home office lately.”  
  
“No problem,” Blaine said, avoiding Kurt’s gaze as he stood up. “I’m going to go use the bathroom,”  
  
Sebastian slumped against Kurt’s side as Blaine stumbled into the hallway. “Poor guy,” he mumbled.  
  
“Yeah,” Kurt agreed.  
  
“He’ll make it through,” Sebastian said, getting to his feet again, slower this time. He held out a hand to Kurt who was still sitting, gripping both his knees and said softly, “Come on.”  
  
Blaine said goodnight to them as they passed him coming out of the bathroom in the hall. “If you need anything, let me know.” Kurt said to his back as it headed further down the hall to the guest bedroom. Blaine’s hair was sticking up at the back of his head and his shoulders were hunched. He barely mumbled a reply before the door shut behind him. Kurt frowned after him for a moment before following Sebastian into their bedroom.  
  
Sebastian was standing in his briefs and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. The rest of his clothes lay in a pile on the floor that Kurt would pick up before he went to bed. Sebastian huffed and dropped his hands, looking at Kurt with an exasperated expression. “Help?”  
  
Kurt smiled, making his way over to Sebastian and slowly unbuttoning his shirt for him. Sebastian wrapped an arm around his waist, holding him close even after he’d finished. “How crappy a friend would I be if I asked you to fuck me with Blaine next door?” he asked, nosing at Kurt’s temple.  
  
“Pretty crappy.” Kurt said.  
  
“But I’m really glad to have you here with me right now,” Sebastian said, stepping back to shrug his shirt off. He let it fall to join the rest of his clothes and pulled Kurt on to the bed with him. “Kurt,” he said, turning them both on to their sides and throwing a leg over Kurt’s hip to hold him closer. “Fuck me please.”  
  
He sounded like a child asking for an extra cookie. Kurt was reminded suddenly of how innocent Sebastian could be when he was drunk, even if he was horny as fuck. It sent a wave of affection through him and he turned his head to kiss Sebastian’s cheek, letting his lips remain against the warm skin as he said, “Not tonight.”  
  
“Please?” Sebastian asked again, rolling his hips up gently. “Kurt, it won’t make us bad people.”  
  
“Won’t it?”  
  
“It won’t,” Sebastian insisted. “We can lay off tying me to the bed -”  
  
“But that was the best part -”  
  
“- until next time.” Sebastian said, rolling his hips up harder now. “Just fuck me tonight. However you want.”  
  
Kurt stared at the pleading look on his face, the quiet need and gave in with a press of his mouth against Sebastian’s. Sebastian ended up on his stomach, muffling his moans into the pillow as Kurt fucked him with fast, determined rolls of his hips. He felt slightly guilty, closing his eyes against the wild pleasure of having Sebastian squeeze around him so tightly, so perfectly while his best friend lay miserable not ten steps down the hall. But Sebastian lifted his head back, letting out a soft sigh when Kurt thrust in deep and held himself there, filling him up completely and Kurt lost himself in the look of utter contentment on Sebastian’s face and the thought that he was the one who put it there.  
  
“I never want to forget what this feels like,” Sebastian whispered.  
  
Kurt knew this wasn’t just Sebastian saying he wanted Kurt to fuck him harder, it went deeper than that, right down to the fear Sebastian had carried around the whole week Kurt had been unconscious. “You won’t lose me,” Kurt said, turning his face to kiss behind Sebastian’s ear. “I promise you won’t lose me.”  
  
The words made him think of Blaine for some reason but then Sebastian was turning on to his back, causing Kurt to slip out of him in the process. He pulled Kurt down to bring their mouths together, kissing Kurt like he was drowning and clinging on for dear life. Surprised by the sudden desperation Kurt could feel in every line of Sebastian’s body, Kurt kissed him back as gently and reassuringly as he could.  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian breathed, skimming his lips along Kurt’s jaw and down to his neck. “I’m really glad you didn’t leave me.” Kurt didn’t say anything. Instead, he readjusted their positions, hooking Sebastian’s legs over his shoulder and thrusting back in with one smooth push of his hips. Sebastian’s neck snapped back, head digging into the pillows. “Oh  _fuck_!”  
  
“Quiet,” Kurt hissed, slapping a hand over Sebastian’s mouth. Sebastian’s eyes grew a bit wider and Kurt could feel his lips stretching into a smile beneath his hand. He tilted his head to the side, regarding Sebastian silently for a second before he smiled, realization trickling in slowly. “You’re an endless book of kinks, aren’t you?”  
  
Sebastian might have tried to say something but it was muffled beneath Kurt’s hand and cut short by Kurt picking up the speed of his thrusts. He reached between their bodies and wrapped a hand around his cock as Kurt continued to fuck him and it took only a couple of rough strokes before Sebastian was coming, shuddering beneath him. It was only after he’d slumped back against the pillow with a sated grin and Kurt was still fucking him that he realized he was nowhere near close to coming. He was still hard and watching Sebastian’s face contort with pleasure had spread a white hot string of desire through his whole body but he still wasn’t feeling the building urgency at the base of his spine.  
“Come on,” Sebastian urged him, gripping Kurt’s hips and guiding his movements.  
  
Kurt squeezed his eyes shut and thrust harder, hair falling forward into his eyes. After a few seconds of trying to regain that delicious teasing heat that would push him over the edge, he stopped moving.  
Maybe it was because he could no longer push away the guilt of focusing on his own pleasure when Blaine was so close. Maybe he was too distracted by Tyler. Either way, he didn’t have the energy to keep going. He fell forward onto Sebastian’s chest, not caring about the drops of come that were drying there.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked as Kurt panted against his neck.  
  
“I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight,” Kurt said.  
  
“No, no - don’t say that,” Sebastian said, pushing Kurt off his chest and onto his back. “Here, I’ll ride you.”  
  
“Sebastian,” Kurt said weakly as Sebastian moved to straddle him, “Don’t.”  
  
Sebastian stared at him silently for a few moments. “Why?”  
  
Kurt pressed rubbed a hand over his forehead and sighed, feeling his erection start to wane. “I don’t need it,” he said, tugging Sebastian down next to him and curling his body closer. “We’ll have plenty of time for more orgasms over the weekend.”  
  
Sebastian looked upset but he wrapped an arm around Kurt and let him press himself closer. “Fine. Your loss.”  
  
“It’s not a complete loss,” Kurt said, kissing the side of Sebastian’s neck. “I still got to make you come.”  
  
“Mm. That was fun,” Sebastian said, trailing his knuckles down Kurt’s spine. He fell asleep a few minutes later, chin hooked over Kurt’s head. Kurt slipped out of his grip quietly, knowing sleep was another thing far out of his reach for the moment and began gathering up their discarded clothes. The room was heavy with the smell of sex and the sheets were a complete mess. Not using condoms was a convenience they had apparently started a year ago after Sebastian’s insistence to bareback but it definitely made things messier.  
  
He pulled on his briefs and was just about to go settle on the loveseat with his sketchbook when there was a crash from outside. Making sure Sebastian was still asleep, Kurt left the room and followed the sound of muffled curses into the kitchen. Blaine was on his knees, swiping at the mayonnaise spattered on the floor half heartedly with a tissue.  
  
“What are you doing?” Kurt asked.  
  
Blaine jumped and looked around, eyes sweeping over Kurt’s figure once before he turned back to the floor. Kurt was suddenly aware of how he was standing in nothing but a pair of briefs and he crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to feel self conscious. Blaine had seen him naked after all.  
  
 _Not the best reassurance_ , a voice in his head said.  
  
“I was hungry,” Blaine said, getting to his feet and throwing the sodden tissue into the bin. “Trying to make myself a sandwich.”  
  
He leaned against the counter and closed his eyes, rubbing his face and looking so  _small_. Kurt felt a wave of protectiveness for him. “Here,” he said, stepping forward. “Go sit down, I’ll make something for you.”  
  
“You don’t have to,” Blaine said.  
  
“I want to.” He suddenly remembered how dirty his hands were. There was no way he was going to touch food like this. “Give me minute, I’ll be right back.”  
  
Blaine was pressing a glass of water against his forehead when Kurt came back from the bathroom. He’d found a pair of Sebastian’s sweat pants hanging on the hook behind the door and deciding it was better than walking around in his briefs, had pulled them on. Blaine however didn’t seem to like the sight of them because the whole time Kurt made him a sandwich, he continued to glare at the kitchen counter, taking small sips of water.  
  
“Here you go,” Kurt said, sliding the plate across to him. “Do you want anything else?”  
  
“No,” Blaine said shortly. “Thanks.”  
  
Kurt watched him eat in silence for a few seconds, his heart breaking for him. “Blaine,” he said when Blaine continued to ignore him. “Is there a reason you’re avoiding me?”  
  
“Maybe I should be asking you that,” Blaine said.  
  
Kurt knew he should have seen that coming. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I was dealing with a lot of things. I should have at least called.” When Blaine didn’t say anything he added, a little defensively, “You didn’t make much of an effort either you know.”  
  
“I was busy too,” Blaine said. “If you haven’t noticed, I don’t have a nice little husband to help me out when I have a problem.”  
  
Kurt wanted to feel angry at his sniping but he couldn’t, not when he knew the bitterness in Blaine’s voice was stemming from hurt and insecurity.  
  
 _“You don’t understand,” Blaine says. “You have Sebastian and you have me. Two people who love you with everything they’ve got. I have **no one**. You have no idea what that feels like. Do you even remember the last time I had a proper relationship? I don’t.” He tears his eyes away and bites at his thumbnail, “I think you were the last one.” _  
  
“About Tyler,” Kurt said, trying to break the silence. “I think I remember him.”  
  
“Good for you,” Blaine said, pushing his plate away and gulping down the rest of his water. “Wish I could forget.”  
  
So not the best conversation starter then. “How can I help?” Kurt asked, not knowing what else to do when Blaine dropped his head into his hands. He circled the kitchen island and took the stool next to Blaine, laying a palm on his shoulder. “I want to help.” Blaine didn’t move, staying slumped against the counter. It made Kurt think of all the times Blaine would curl into himself when he felt insecure. “Blaine?” he said softly. Blaine lifted his head and looked at Kurt with wide, sad eyes rimmed red and -  _Chandler_.  
  
 _It wasn’t me you cheated on_.  
  
The realization was completely irrelevant but when Kurt said, “I’m so sorry.” he meant more than just the fact that he was sorry for Blaine’s pain because being reminded of how he’d hurt Blaine only intensified his sympathy for the pain Tyler had put Blaine through.  
  
Blaine leaned in to his arms and buried his face in Kurt’s neck. Kurt held him, silently wishing there was some way he could fix things. They stayed like that for what felt like ages, Blaine’s hard curling against his back and pulling him closer until Kurt almost slid off his stool. When he finally pulled back, Blaine was wiping at his eyes and saying, “Thanks. I really needed that.”  
  
Kurt gave him a small smile. “I’m always here,” he said. “Even if I kind of haven’t been lately but you know I would do anything for y _mph_.”  
  
The shock of Blaine’s lips on his  _did_  make him slide off the stool then. The kiss broke and Kurt didn’t get a chance to say a single word before Blaine was rambling, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. Kurt - I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that I’m just so fucking messed up right now and -” his voice cracked, the heel of his hands digging into his eyes.  
  
_  
  
 _“Did you just kiss me?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Blaine.”  
  
“I’m sorry okay? Don’t give me that look. And it’s not like Sebastian cares, he’s sitting right next to you.”  
  
“Yeah Kurt, I don’t care - oh fucking HELL you did not just do that!” he yells at the screen, smashing the buttons on his controller.  
  
Kurt smiles and turns away from Sebastian back to Blaine. Blaine’s grinning but there’s a nervousness underlying it all. “You did say you wanted to make me feel better,” he jokes feebly.  
  
Kurt had said that but he stills feels uncomfortable. Why, he can’t really put his finger on it. It’s not the fact that Blaine had kissed him that’s making him feel awkward, it’s the  **way**  he had - needy and desperate and all too familiar.  
  
“Fuck,” Sebastian mutters, falling back against the couch as his character’s life bar empties. “I could use one of those feel better kisses too.”  
  
“Because you got your ass beaten by a computer?” Kurt asks, arching an eyebrow when Sebastian leans over his shoulder.  
  
“By someone named freakshow249 actually.”  
  
“God that’s even worse.”  
  
Blaine averts his eyes when Sebastian kisses Kurt, cupping his face and smiling against his lips. Kurt’s eyes slip shut but in the second before they do, he thinks he sees Blaine press his lips together and frown, like he’s trying to keep from crying._  
_  
  
“It’s okay,” Kurt said, cutting off Blaine’s continuous rambling. “It’s okay, just. Relax.”  
  
Blaine shook his head. “I’m still a little drunk.”  
  
“More than a little,” Kurt said with a gentle smile. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”  
  
He didn’t know why he followed Blaine into the bedroom and watched him flop onto the mattress. But when he had needed Blaine to be there for him when he was confused and not thinking straight on that roof, Blaine had been there. Kurt wanted to return that favor right now. He blamed the ache in his chest that had been making him feel things stronger than he should on the memories he’d been practically re-living the past few weeks.  
  
Kurt sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to brush a few messy curls away from Blaine’s forehead. “You okay?”  
  
Blaine shrugged. “I guess.”  
  
Kurt scratched his scalp lightly, smiling when Blaine sighed and pressed his cheek into his pillow and gave him a soft smile in return. Later, when he slipped back into his bed with Sebastian, he couldn’t get the picture of Blaine’s smile out of his head.  
  
“Hey,” Sebastian mumbled, cracking his eye open when he saw Kurt. “Blaine okay?”  
  
Kurt was surprised Sebastian had noticed his absence; he’d been out cold a second ago. “Yeah,” he said, reaching out and tracing his fingers over Sebastian’s jaw. “He’s okay.”  
_  
  
 _“Okay! Okay! Kurt - truth or dare?”  
  
“Truth,” Kurt says, glaring when the group boos and shouts ‘BORING!’  
  
Stella has a grin on her face though and she waves her hand to calm everyone down before she says. “Okay. Then Kurt - if this house catches fire and you can only save Blaine or Sebastian, who would you save?”  
  
“That’s a stupid question,” Kurt says.  
  
“No, no no.” Stella says, shaking her head. “Come on Kurt. You can only save one of them. Who’d you save?”  
  
Kurt laughs and takes a swing of his drink, savoring the sweet taste on his lips as he turns to grin at Sebastian but he finds his husband staring back at him with a serious expression. Kurt frowns, looking past him to where Blaine’s sitting with an equally serious expression, staring pointedly at the bottle in the middle of their little circle. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, Kurt turns away and back to Stella.  
  
“That’s not how the questions work,” he says.  
  
“Fuck it. It’s my birthday. I can change the rules if I want.”  
  
Kurt sets his cup down and shifts uncomfortably, feeling everyone’s eyes on him. “This isn’t funny Stella,” he says in a low voice. The game has suddenly gone from a fun to something that is putting him under bright lights with a question he can’t answer without hurting one of the two people he loves most.  
  
“Clock’s ticking Kurt!”  
  
Sebastian and Blaine are unnaturally still and silent and Kurt wants to slap both of them. He wants them to be grinning and joking and nudging each other, not waiting silently for his answer like it actually  **matters**. Don’t they know he’d give his life for both of them? How is he supposed to choose who he’d let die in a fire? Something tells him the answer should be simple, that the ring on his finger should signify who he’d always pick in these situations that but he knows and he’s pretty sure all his friends in this room know it’s  **not**  that simple. Blaine and Sebastian both mean so much to him in so many different ways. His love for them stretches and threads together into something inseparable built on years of needing them and having them need him. If they were burning, Kurt would probably just choose to burn with them.  
  
“I’m not answering.”  
  
“That’s cheating!” Stella says. “If you don’t answer, you have to cut holes into the sleeve of that jacket you wore here.”  
  
“That’s Marc Jacobs and it cost 500 dollars!” Kurt exclaims.  
  
“All you have to do is pick a name.” Stella says with a shrug. Kurt wonders how a perfectly sweet girl can turn into the devil with a couple of drinks in her.  
  
Kurt huffs and looks at Sebastian for some help but all Sebastian does is say, “Pick a name Kurt,” in a dangerously calm voice - like he’s trying not to let on how much the answer means to him. It only makes Kurt more furious.  
  
“Ten seconds,” Stella says, “ And then you can say goodbye to your baby!” She holds up Kurt’s jacket and a pair of sharp scissors.  
  
Kurt stares at her as the group starts to count down. Eight - seven - six.  
  
“Kurt.”  
  
He looks at Sebastian, panicked and desperate.  
  
Five - four - three  
  
Kurt holds out his hand to Stella and says, “Give me those.”  
  
When the first strip of fabric falls to the ground and the group cackles with laughter, Kurt looks up and glares at both the boys sitting next to him. He’s relived to find them both grinning at him. He has a feeling they’re as relieved as he is that he hasn’t answered the question. _  



	20. Chapter 20

  
  
The first time Sebastian woke up during the night, it was too dark to see anything but he could still  _feel_  - the light touch of Kurt’s thumb tracing back and forth over his eyebrow, circling his temple and gliding down the side of his face in a smooth curve. He smiled. Kurt must have felt the way his lips turned up because he shifted closer, hooking his ankle over Sebastian’s and sliding his fingers through his hair to cup the back of his head. Sebastian couldn’t really form words, his brain too foggy with sleep and tongue too heavy in his mouth but he managed to lift his arm and reach out to Kurt’s waist, letting it thump down and rest heavily against the warm skin. He slipped back into the realms of sleep just as Kurt tilted his head up to brush a dry kiss across his cheek.  
  
The second time Sebastian woke up, it was because of a sharp pain in his back. A knee digging in painfully followed by a kick to his shin and an elbow to the side of his face. Sebastian groaned, still lacking enough energy to form proper words, in the hope that Kurt would get the hint and  _stop moving_. He didn’t usually toss and turn this much. As Kurt liked to remind him,  _Sebastian_  was the one who made sharing a bed a test on his patience. Kurt was a relatively peaceful sleeper in comparison. He’d been more restless than usual in the past month because of his recurring nightmares but that thought didn’t occur to Sebastian in his current sleep heavy state. All he felt was incredibly frustrated every time Kurt shifted and the sheets slipped a few inches lower on Sebastian’s body.  
  
He kept hoping Kurt would find a comfortable position and stop moving but eventually, after a particularly hard kick, Sebastian had no choice but to turn over on his side so he could face Kurt and force his eyes open in a glare. It disappeared quickly once Sebastian took in the sight of Kurt’s face. The room was lighter now, just enough for him to be able to make out Kurt’s creased brows, his lips parted as he mumbled nonsensical things every so often. His body jerked, a low whine escaping his throat when Sebastian lay a hand on his sweaty cheek to try and calm him.  
  
“Kurt,” he said, his voice croaky from sleep.  
  
Kurt shifted, turning his face to trap Sebastian’s hand between the pillow and his cheek. “No,” he mumbled. “Don’t leave me.”  
  
“Kurt. You’re just dreaming baby.”  
  
Kurt was shaking his head slightly, mumbling something that sounded like Sebastian’s name. Sebastian wondered what he was dreaming about, whether it was another nightmare or some disturbing flashback. Whatever it was, he wanted it to stop, was overcome by the need to wake Kurt up and assure him that he was okay. Cupping Kurt’s other cheek with his free hand, Sebastian tried to gently shake him awake.  
  
“No,  _please_.” Kurt said and the wet feeling beneath Sebastian’s fingers told him he was crying. Confused and now very worried, Sebastian wrapped his arm around Kurt and drew him against his chest. Kurt was still asleep but he clung to Sebastian, fingers digging into his side and wet cheek pressing against his chest. Sebastian smoothed a hand down Kurt’s back, giving in to the urge to close his eyes because keeping them open required too much strength.  
  
“Ssshhh, it’s okay,” he whispered, curling his fingers at the small of Kurt’s back and sliding a leg between Kurt’s own. “I’ve got you.”  
  
Kurt stilled after another few minutes, his breathing slowing down and grip on Sebastian’s side loosening. Sebastian carefully adjusted their positions so the weight of Kurt wouldn’t make his arm fall asleep and let himself slip back into unconsciousness.  
  
The third time Sebastian woke up, the room was bathed in the glow of morning sunlight and Kurt’s mouth was sucking lightly at a spot on his collarbone. Sebastian’s eyes fluttered shut as quickly as they had opened at the sudden awareness of his senses, the rush of heat that spiraled downwards at the swirl of Kurt’s tongue on his skin. Kurt sensed he was awake and pressed one last wet kiss to the mark that was now blooming on his collarbone before pulling back and smiling at Sebastian.  
  
“Good morning,” he said, lifting his head up to peck Sebastian on the lips.  
  
“What the hell was up with you last night?” was how Sebastian responded to that.  
  
Kurt frowned, moved to settle more comfortably on top of him. “What?” he asked, tilting his head to the side and regarding Sebastian curiously.  
  
“You don’t remember?”  
  
“I don’t remember a lot of things, you’re going to have to be more specific.”  
  
Sebastian was about to tell him about the tossing and turning and crying but Kurt looked so happy, sleep muzzled and carefree that he didn’t want to ruin the moment with the reminder of some stupid nightmare Kurt had probably already forgotten about. So he shook his head, lay a hand on the small of Kurt’s back and said, “Nothing.”  
  
For a second, he thought a flash of relief on Kurt’s face but it quickly gave way to a blinding smile as he leaned down to capture Sebastian’s bottom lip between his own. The kisses were slow and lazy, their feet tangling together and hands skimming over warm skin. Sebastian’s cock was starting to take interest, trying to persuade him to pin Kurt to the bed and give him that orgasm he owed him.  
  
“You  _really_ need a shower,” Kurt said suddenly, forcing all of the fantastic images in Sebastian’s mind to come crashing down. Sebastian raised his eyebrows, tilting his head to try and look at Kurt as he ran the tip of his nose along the column of Sebastian’s throat, face scrunched up.  
  
“You weren’t complaining a second ago.”  
  
“You were stinking quite as much a second ago.” Kurt said coolly, sliding off the bed and getting to his feet. Sebastian watched him head to the closet and lay back against his pillow as the sound of hangers being shoved aside filled the room. A second later, Kurt emerged with his clothes draped over his arm and gave Sebastian a critical look when he saw him still sprawled out across the bed.  
  
“Are you going to stay there all day?”  
  
“What time is it?”  
  
“Almost 11,” Kurt replied as he started towards the bedroom door.  
  
“Wait, seriously?” Sebastian tilted his head and caught sight of the time in the digital clock next to his bed. Sighing, he shoved the sheets off himself and followed Kurt into the hall. Blaine wasn’t awake yet and the apartment was silent as they made their way to the bathroom. Kurt didn’t say anything when Sebastian entered the bathroom with him, not that Sebastian had expected him to - but he did make a face when he saw Sebastian lifting the toilet seat and positioning himself in front of it.  
  
“What?” Sebastian asked.  
  
Kurt shook his head. “I feel like we haven’t been together long enough for me to see this.”  
  
“Seriously Kurt?”  
  
Kurt shrugged, hung his clothes on the hook at the back of the door and grabbed his toothbrush. “At least I don’t remember enough for it to feel like that long.”  
  
His words didn’t hurt like they did when Kurt reminded Sebastian how he didn’t remember all their time together. If anything, Sebastian was amused. “So let me get this straight,” he said after he’d pulled the flush and started towards the shower stall. “We’ve been together long enough for you to come in my ass and for me to clean up your vomit but watching me pee grosses you out?”  
  
Mouth foaming with toothpaste, Kurt didn’t reply. He narrowed his eyes at Sebastian through the mirror but remained silent as Sebastian smirked and turned on the shower spray. Kurt kept shooting him looks the whole time he went through his morning routine. Quiet, intense looks that made Sebastian think of the previous night, the fingers tracing his face, the quiet sobs wetting his chest and the smile he’d woken up to this morning.  
  
“You okay?” he asked Kurt the next time he caught him looking.  
  
“Yeah,” Kurt said quickly.  
  
Sebastian gave a nod, not entirely convinced but still managed a grin. “You want to join me?”  
  
Kurt looked like he was contemplating it but he shook his head. “We don’t have time. Blaine might wake up soon.”  
  
“So?”  
  
“So I don’t want to start something I can’t finish.” Kurt said with a sigh.  
  
“Your loss,” Sebastian mumbled, turning his face back to the spray. He heard the stall door slide open a while later and grinned, eyes still closed when he felt Kurt’s arms wrap around his middle and curve upwards. “I’m irresistible, aren’t I?”  
  
“Not you. The idea of a shower. I’m just here to get clean.” He smirked and pulled his arms away, reaching for his bottle of body wash but Sebastian snatched it out of his hand.  
  
“Let me help.”  
  
“Nothing we can’t finish,” Kurt warned.  
  
“Nothing we can’t finish,” Sebastian repeated and promptly darted in to cover Kurt’s mouth with his own. Kurt groaned, tried to say something which was swallowed by Sebastian’s tongue but eventually gave in and wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s shoulders, scraping nails along his shoulder blades.  
  
The bottle of body wash slipped from Sebastian’s hand and the  _thud_  of it as it fell echoed in the bathroom. At the same time there was a knock on the door and Blaine’s voice called out, weak and tired. “Kurt?”  
  
Kurt broke the kiss, turning his head to stare at the door, fingers curled against Sebastian’s chest. “Yeah, Blaine,” he called out in an unusually high voice. “Just uh - give me a minute.”  
  
“Can you like - hurry? I think I might throw up.”  
  
“Shit,” Kurt muttered and gave Sebastian an apologetic look as he stepped out of the shower stall. “Why does this apartment only have one bathroom?” he hissed.  
  
“Didn’t seem like a problem when we got it,” Sebastian said with a shrug.  
  
“Is Seb in there too?” Blaine asked, voice muffled as if he had his face smushed to the door. “Are you guys having sex? Please tell me you are not putting orgasms before me.”  
  
Sebastian laughed and turned the water off, grabbing the towel Kurt tossed at him. “Don’t worry killer. Your presence  _literally_  killed our boners.”  
  
Blaine groaned and there was a dull thump on the door as if he’d just dropped his head against the wood. Kurt pulled his clothes on hurriedly, ran his fingers through his hair to get it to look semi decent and threw a quick look over his shoulder to make sure Sebastian had a towel around his waist before he opened the bathroom door. Blaine stumbled in, heading straight for the toilet and doubled over, the sound of him retching echoing disgustingly around them. Sebastian wanted to help him - Blaine looked like crap from his wild, gel clumped hair to his stubble dotted face - but he didn’t really feel like approaching him when he was puking his guts out.  
  
“Oh Blaine,” Kurt said in a small voice from behind him. He walked over to him and knelt down beside him, brushing the messy curls out of his face as Blaine’s head drooped. Sebastian silently backed out of the bathroom, trusting Kurt to deal with Blaine better than Sebastian would ever be able to and went to get changed. When he came back out, the bathroom door was shut and Kurt was humming in the kitchen, the smell of fresh coffee and scrambled eggs making Sebastian’s stomach grumble.  
  
“Hey,” Kurt said when he saw Sebastian. “Blaine’s in the shower.”  
  
“I figured.” He poured himself some coffee while Kurt transferred the eggs on to a plate.  
  
“Want some?” he asked.  
  
“Thanks,” Sebastian said with a nod, taking the offered plate from Kurt’s hands. Kurt stopped him from turning away with a hand to his forearm and without warning, leaned up to kiss him. It was a short kiss and Kurt pulled away quickly but before he did, he pressed his forehead to Sebastian’s cheek, breathing out slowly against his jaw and tightening his fingers before he let go. Sebastian sat down on a kitchen stool with the distinct feeling that something was wrong and that it had to do with the apparently forgotten nightmare of the previous night. He didn’t want to force Kurt to recall something that might make him uncomfortable or cause him any sort of pain but he was desperate to know what he had seen.  
  
Blaine came out a few moments later, shirtless and towelling his hair dry. “Look at you,” Sebastian said with a teasing grin. “All bright eyed and bushy tailed.”  
  
“Ha-ha,” Blaine said before asking, “Can I borrow a shirt? I think I got some puke on mine.”  
  
“Help yourself,” Sebastian said, nodding towards their bedroom. “Right hand side of the closet is all Kurt - left is mine. I’d recommend borrowing something from me since whatever Kurt has is going to be too complicated for your itsy bitsy hung over brain to maneuver.”  
  
Blaine glared at him without conviction before mumbling his thanks and shuffling back towards the hall. Kurt, who had been silently watching him the whole time, tapped his fingers against the side of his coffee mug and watched him go, looking like Blaine’s misery was solely his fault. Sebastian stayed silent, knowing it would be of no use to ask him for an explanation of his thoughts when Blaine was still wandering around.  
  
“Fuck you both and your tall bodies!” Blaine called out from the bedroom.  
  
Even Kurt laughed at that but he still had the decency to school his face into a neutral expression when Blaine walked out swimming in one of Sebastian’s t-shirts. Sebastian continued to laugh. “Real sexy Blaine. I think you might even wear it better than I do. It’s a whole new look on you.”  
  
“Fuck you,” Blaine mumbled again, sliding on to the stool next to him. “Seriously.”  
  
Kurt passed him a tall glass of water and said, “Drink.” Blaine did as he was told but as soon as he was done, asked for coffee. Kurt shook his head. “Not until you’ve hydrated yourself properly.”  
  
Sebastian had dealt with Blaine’s hangovers before. The kind that were a result of some heavy partying and the kind, like this one, that resulted from broken hearts and anger. But he’d never been quite as good as dealing with him as Kurt was -  _is_. It was a strange feeling, watching Kurt know intuitively what Blaine would need. It shouldn’t have surprised him, Kurt was good at knowing what people would need. He knew what his dad was thinking most of the time before he said it, he knew when Rachel wanted to cuddle and cry or when she wanted to be left alone, hell - he knew Sebastian like the back of his hand.  
  
“We don’t have the sugary cereals you love so much but we have one with real chocolate pieces,” Kurt said, holding out a box of expensive cereal for Blaine’s inspection. “Will that do?”  
  
“Yeah. Just -  _please_  can I get some coffee?”  
  
“Decaf,”  
  
“ _Extra_ caf. With a shot of Courvoisier.”  
  
Sebastian grinned. “You’re funny.”  
  
“You’re horrible,” Blaine groaned when Kurt handed him a mug of decaf coffee with a pointed look. He took a sip, scrunched his nose up in disgust and then turned to glare at Sebastian again as if it was all his fault. “How come you’re not hungover? You were pretty drunk last night.”  
  
“Blaine. You could have just  _sniffed_  that bottle of beer and you’d still be as hungover as you are right now.” Sebastian teased. “Trust me, I can hold my alcohol better than most. Especially you.”  
  
Blaine tried to push him away when Sebastian reached out to ruffle his hair. Sebastian thought he heard  _I’m not a dog_  mumbled somewhere in between and he grinned, only messing up Blaine’s hair further. Kurt was the one who dealt with Blaine with affection and soft words. Sebastian could never keep that up for long. He either joined Blaine in his anger and threw out random ideas for revenge or spiralled into teasing him until Blaine’s amusement overshadowed his anger.  
  
It usually worked. But this time, when Blaine pulled free of Sebastian’s grip, his grin faded away much quicker than it should have, eyes dropping down to the V of his shirt. Sebastian followed his gaze to find the hickey Kurt had given him that morning peeking out from beneath the material of his shirt. Blaine stared at it quietly for a second before blinking and looking away, eyes searching out Kurt who was leaning against the counter again. They shared a look, and maybe it was the way Blaine avoided Sebastian’s eye for the rest of breakfast or the way Kurt kept biting the corner of his lip, but Sebastian was smart enough to sense something was wrong. He waited until after Kurt had left to get some groceries and he and Blaine were alone to ask him.  
  
“What? Nothing,” Blaine said, staring intently at the dishes he had insisted on washing.  
  
“Then why do you look like a kid caught stealing cookies from the jar?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“I don’t -”  
  
“Blaine.” His voice was firm enough and demanding enough for Blaine to lift his eyes to meet his. He looked nervous.  
  
“I kissed him,” he said in a low voice. For a moment, Sebastian thought he was going to add something else, an explanation, a  _hear me out please_  like he had last time he’d kissed Kurt but after opening and closing his mouth, Blaine remained silent, waiting.  
  
“Okay,” Sebastian said with a slow nod. “Is that it?”  
  
“You’re - you’re not mad?” Blaine asked, eyes widening comically and glass slipping from his fingers. Sebastian managed to catch it before it hit the floor.  
  
“No,” he said honestly.  
  
“ _Why?_  Last time you -”  
  
“Last time was different.”  
  
“Was it?”  
  
“Yes,” Sebastian said. “Last time, Kurt wasn’t - he wasn’t  _my Kurt_.” It still hurt to dismiss him like that but there was no simpler way to put it. “You kissed him on that roof knowing full well that it was more than just a kiss, you knew how Kurt felt about you and you shouldn’t have abused the situation.”  
  
“I know I’m sorry,” Blaine said, pressing a wet hand to his forehead. “But I swear last night was nothing like that.”  
  
“I know,” Sebastian said calmly, remembering the brush of Kurt’s fingers on his skin, the soft kiss against his cheek - “Which is why I’m not mad.”  
  
Blaine got needy when he was upset, Sebastian knew that. Sebastian himself fluctuated between being needy and being a complete bastard to people when he was upset. Kurt remained cool and aloof until he reached his breaking point and even then he only reached out to a select few. That was them individually. Being in a long, committed relationship changed you sometimes, it made you less afraid of letting the other person see you at your most vulnerable.  
  
When Sebastian’s father had died, he had forced himself to act calm around his dad’s colleagues, around his mom, he hadn’t let any of his own pain show because not only would it have hurt his mother to see him upset, it would have made him appear weak in front of his father’s associates. But later, alone with Kurt, he had let himself go. He’d cried his heart out on Kurt’s shoulder, hadn’t cried as much in his whole  _life_  like the way he cried that night and the nights after. But there was a sense of calm relief after he’d run out of tears, the knowledge that Kurt wasn’t going to think him weak like his dad’s associates, wasn’t going to treat him like glass that would shatter the way his mother would have, it was okay to need Kurt to just be there, it was okay to want him to do nothing but hold him until he was ready to let go.  
  
And Kurt may not have remembered everything after the accident but in the nights that Sebastian felt frustrated and helpless with Kurt’s coldness, he reminded himself of the first couple of days after Kurt had woken up, how he had reached out to Sebastian and only Sebastian for comfort, told him that he was the only one keeping him from losing his mind. Even when nothing around him made sense, Kurt hadn’t held back from showing just how much he needed Sebastian whether it was curling up against his chest to push away nightmares or shouting and screaming at him until the weight in his chest lifted.  
  
Blaine was somehow needier than both of them combined and considering Kurt was the only person he had ever fully opened up to in his life, he still gravitated towards him when he was upset. It was something Sebastian had come to accept. It didn’t bother him - much. He had his own set of insecurities but he trusted Kurt and he trusted Blaine. A kiss planted out of desperation and the need to be closer, to be held and comforted until the problems shrunk to a manageable sizes wasn’t something Sebastian beat himself over thinking about.  
  
It was just - it was that  _damn accident_. The amnesia and the stupid block in Kurt’s head that refused to go away completely that made Sebastian weary of the look on Kurt’s face when he was watching Blaine. And now with Blaine so emotionally breakable after Tyler and Kurt still struggling with the eighteen year old inside of him -  
  
“Blaine,” Sebastian said suddenly. “Do you still have feelings for Kurt?”  
  
He could see how the abruptness of his question had affected Blaine but once he’d gathered himself, Blaine shook his head and said, “No.”  
  
“No?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“You’re...sure about that?”  
  
Blaine nodded and met Sebastian’s gaze full on as if he was trying to prove how much he meant his words. “I love him but - not in that way. Not anymore.”  
  
“If it was just an innocent kiss, why were you apologizing?”  
  
“Because I could be,” Blaine said weakly. His gaze turned guilty, apologetic. “Give me the chance and I could fall right back in love with him.”  
  
Sebastian tried not to let his feelings show. He wasn’t even sure what he was feeling. Anger? Hurt? Sympathy?  
  
“But you’re not. Going to get that chance, I mean.”  
  
“I know,” Blaine said. “I’m not even going to try.”  
  
Sebastian gave a curt nod and stared at Blaine quietly as he finished with the rest of the dishes. “But what if you had gotten the chance?” he found himself asking. “What if Kurt never remembered anything after the accident and we got a divorce? Would you have got back together with him?”  
  
Blaine didn’t look at him when he answered. “Eventually.”  
  
Sebastian licked his lips, dug his teeth into the tender flesh of his bottom lip and dragged his thumb back and forth along the inside of his wedding band in a silent reminder that that  _hadn’t_ happened. “Of course,” he said, his voice coming out clipped.  
  
“Would you have blamed me if I had?” Blaine asked, raising his eyes to Sebastian again except this time there was a hint of challenge in them.  
  
“Yes.” Sebastian said firmly.  
  
“For giving Kurt what he wanted?”  
  
Sebastian gritted his teeth. “You’re not who Kurt wants.”  
  
Blaine’s shoulders sagged even further and all of Sebastian’s anger drained out at the sight of him. “Believe me,” he said in a weak voice. “I know.”  
  
They settled on the couch after Blaine was done wiping his hands dry on the kitchen towel. There was an awkward silence between them that neither seemed willing to break. Sebastian kept thinking of the easy way Blaine had said  _eventually_ , of Kurt’s intense looks all morning and restless tossing the previous night. The low hum of Saturday morning sitcoms filled the apartment while they waited for Kurt to return because suddenly, without him, their usually easy friendship seemed strained. Or maybe it was  _because_  of him.  
  
It took Blaine drawing his knees up to his chest and dropping his chin onto his folded arms for Sebastian to notice the drying tear tracks on his face. He felt helpless, unequipped to deal with Blaine like this but he was Blaine’s friend and Blaine had been there for him when Sebastian and Kurt had been going through difficult times early in their relationship. Just because Blaine had admitted to a hypothetical situation where he could have back the puppy dog love from his teenage years didn’t mean he was  _actually_  looking to break Sebastian and Kurt up.  
  
Feeling like a shit friend, Sebastian reached an arm out and draped it over Blaine’s shoulders. Blaine raised his head and wiped at his face, sniffing dismissively. “I’m okay,” he said. “Really.”  
  
“The fuck you are,” Sebastian said. “You look like a sad cartoon.”  
  
Blaine gave him a weak smile and sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”  
  
“With Tyler?”  
  
“No, with the gorgeous single men queuing up for a chance to be with me.  _Yes with Tyler you idiot_.”  
  
Sebastian smiled and slid his fingers into Blaine’s drying curls, ruffling them affectionately. “Well at least you have some of your spunk back.”  
_  
  
“We should go out tonight,” Sebastian said over lunch. “Just the three of us.” He realized a little too late that  _just the three of us_  wasn’t the best idea since Blaine was bound to feel like a third wheel even without Sebastian and Kurt acting like a couple. “Or I can call some other people too,” he added quickly.  
  
“Will going out involve alcohol?”  
  
“No,” said Kurt.  
  
“Yes,” said Sebastian.  
  
“I’m in.” Blaine said with a grin.  
  
Sebastian gave a self satisfied smile of his own and looked to Kurt who was glaring at him, shaking his head. “You can be designated driver,” Sebastian said to him, his voice edging on teasing. His foot found Kurt’s calf beneath the table, toes wiggling against his skin enough for Kurt to jerk and struggle to hide a smile. “Come on, Kurt. Live a little.” Again, he realized too late that his words weren’t exactly the best fit for the current situation because while the throwback to 2011 might have been funny for Kurt, Blaine seemed to take the greater hit of the words and the grin on his face wavered.  
  
Seriously, Sebastian really sucked at this stuff sometimes. The whole point of this night was to not make Blaine feel like crap because his fiancé turned out to be a dick (to no one’s surprise but his) and reminding him of a time when Kurt had eyes for only him and painfully highlighting how everything was reversed now was kind of  _not_  doing that. Kurt’s eyes darted to Blaine, cautious and calculating but a second later, Blaine was grinning again, gulping down water and asking, “So where are we going?”  
  
“I was thinking  _Pulse_ ,” Sebastian said slowly. “We haven’t been there in ages but Kurt -”  
  
“Kurt’s fine,” Kurt cut him off.  
  
Sebastian frowned. “I thought you said the thumping music would be too much.”  
  
Kurt shook his head and stabbed at his sweet potato with a fork. “Nope,” he said. “It’s going to be fine.”  
  
“So -  _Pulse_?” Blaine said.  
  
Sebastian broke away from staring at Kurt to look at him. “Yeah,” he said with a smile. “ _Pulse_  it is. Maybe we’ll find some cute rebound for you.”  
  
For a moment, he worried if that had been the wrong thing to say too but Blaine raised his eyebrows and sighed. “I seriously hope so.”  
_  
  
After lunch, Blaine wandered back into the guest room to sleep off the remainder of his headache. Kurt took the opportunity to pull Sebastian into their bedroom and change the sheets. “I have something I wanted to ask you,” he said as he tucked in the corners of a slate sheet. Sebastian wondered if Kurt was going to call him out on his plans to get Blaine drunk and carefree but with the way Kurt was fidgeting as he adjusted the creases in the sheet, he had a feeling it was something more serious.  
  
“I had a flashback of sorts last night and it’s been bugging me.”  
  
“You mean the dream where you started crying?”  
  
Kurt paused and looked up at him quietly for a long moment before he shook his head and grabbed a pillow. “No, not that.”  
  
“Then what?”  
  
Kurt walked around the bed to where Sebastian was standing and wrapped his fingers around his forearm, taking a deep breath. “Remember Stella’s birthday?”  
  
“Stella the chick who used to work with you?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“I guess,” Kurt said. “I don’t remember details about her but - we were playing truth and dare and she asked me who I would choose to save between you and Blaine if the house was burning down and -”  
  
“Wait wait wait wait,” Sebastian said, cutting him off. He frowned, trying to recall the night of Stella’s birthday party from the hazy, alcohol numbed memories in his brain.  _This is what Kurt must always feel like_ , he thought when he had to strain to remember that particular round of truth or dare. “Kurt, I’m pretty sure she just asked you who was a better lay.”  
  
Kurt’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “What?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sebastian said. “She just asked you who was better at sex. Me or Blaine.”  
  
“I -” Kurt shook his head. “No. I remember her asking about a burning house.”  
  
“You were dreaming,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “Didn’t you say sometimes you saw messed up versions of memories?”  
  
Kurt blinked and dropped his hand from Sebastian’s arm. “Yeah but -” he sat down on the freshly laid sheets and started running his fingers in circles over the smooth cotton. “I could have sworn this was a legitimate flashback.” After a pause, he looked up at Sebastian and asked, “So what did I say?”  
  
Sebastian grinned. “Blaine gives better head but I win in all other departments.” Kurt smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Blaine was happy,” Sebastian continued. “I was hurt. I give awesome head. You got multiple blowjobs a day for a long time after that night.”  
  
“Mm,” Kurt hummed absently.  
  
“So,” Sebastian said, sitting down next to him. “Who’d you save in your version?” He felt nervous anticipation build up inside of him like he was back in front of Kurt with a ring held out in the palm of his hand, heart hammering in his chest and every nerve in his body restless.  
  
“I uh -” Kurt swallowed hard and avoided Sebastian’s eye. Not a good sign. “I didn’t choose,” he said finally.  
  
“You didn’t choose?” Sebastian repeated with a frown.  
  
“I refused to answer.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
Sebastian would definitely have been lying if he’d said that he hadn’t been expecting Kurt to choose him. Hearing Kurt say that he’d taken the easy way out and not answered at all made everything hurt more than it would have if Kurt had straight out chosen Blaine. He hadn’t been bothered when Kurt told him he was having wet dreams about Blaine but this was different. This _hurt_.  
  
“No, Sebastian -” Kurt said, grabbing Sebastian’s arm and pulling him back down to the bed when he tried to stand up. “I don’t. You know it doesn’t mean -  _that_.”  
  
“Then what does it mean?” Sebastian asked calmly.  
  
“It means - I was confused.” Kurt said.  
  
“I’m sure not choosing to let me die was a very confusing decision,” Sebastian said bitterly.  
  
Kurt’s eyes flared with anger quickly giving way to tiredness. “It wasn’t actually. Not that.” He slid his fingers through Sebastian’s and slotted their palms together tightly, drawing their joint hands onto his thigh. “I woke up and I realized almost immediately that there would never be a scenario where I  _wouldn’t_  save you.” he said, eyes raking over his face. “I can’t live without you.” His voice cracked and Sebastian huffed out a breath, saying  _fuck, Kurt_  before he cupped Kurt’s cheek with his free hand and crashed their mouths together. Kurt’s lips moved over his furiously, tongue licking across the pout of his lower lip, hand pulling free of Sebastian’s to grip his waist, slide up his side and fit the curve of his neck.  
  
 _I can’t live without you either_ , Sebastian thought as Kurt pulled him in closer, kisses slowing down to something softer, less desperate and more tender.  _I don’t know what I would have done without you_.  
  
“Sebastian,” Kurt said, lips skidding to the corner of Sebastian’s mouth when Sebastian tried to push him back on to the bed. “Sebastian, hang on a second -”  
  
Painfully, Sebastian moved back, eyes pulled towards the wet glint of Kurt’s mouth and the warm flush on his cheeks. He smiled-  _so_  thankful to have Kurt next to him and barely resisted diving right back in to kiss him senseless because something about this memory-dream-thing had been bugging Kurt and Sebastian was curious to know what it was. Kurt took a few, calming breaths before speaking again. “You know I love you, right?”  
  
“I think it’s safe to say so,” Sebastian said with a grin. “Which is why I’m surprised you didn’t say my name in your dream.”  
  
Kurt sighed, “You also know how much I loved Blaine? The  _way_  I loved Blaine when we were together?” Sebastian nodded. “Well, I can still feel that sometimes. That kind of love, that kind of intensity is hard enough to forget as it is but actually having it alive and living in the only part of your brain you can actually remember things clearly? It’s pretty hard to let go. And realizing that if it ever came to it, I’d choose to let him die and save you - that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever come to terms with. I guess  _that’s_  why I didn’t answer in my dream. How was I supposed to tell him I’d let him die? He’s  _my best friend_. You know I love you - I never forgot how to love you even with all of this amnesia crap and you know I always  _will_  love you but most of that stuff I said to Blaine back when we were stupid kids making promises we couldn’t keep and I’ve had years to grow up and come to terms with reality but sometimes I still feel like I’ve been force fed too much information all at once and it’s - it’s just been driving me crazy. I see Blaine alone and heartbroken and my chest  _aches_  for him and I feel horrible because I get to have you and I get to have him and -”  
  
“Kurt,” Sebastian said softly, laying a hand over Kurt’s and hushing him. “Calm down baby.”  
  
“I just want him to be happy,” Kurt said, closing his eyes. “We all grow up, we all lose things we thought we never would and we all have to go through harsh adjustments but we still deserve to be happy. I found you and I swear to god Sebastian Smythe, you are the last person I thought would make me happy -” Sebastian smiled widely. “ - but you do. You make me  _so fucking_  happy and that’s all I want for him too. Someone or something to make him as happy as he deserves to be.”  
  
Sebastian had no clue how to reply to something like that. He had always been in awe of the way Kurt was able to love, to be compassionate and forgive people. He knew Kurt would fight for what he wanted but when it came down to it, he’d give up something he wanted with all his heart if it was hurting someone he loved. And so it shouldn’t have been a surprise that Kurt was beating himself up over Blaine’s heartbreak and a twisted dram.  
  
Instead of giving Kurt an answer or comforting words, Sebastian ended up asking him more questions. “If this is what was bugging you, then what was the other dream?”  
  
Kurt didn’t register his words for a few seconds but when he did, his eyes grew wide and his lips formed a small ‘O’. “That was - it was.”  
  
“It was...?” Sebastian pressed.  
  
“It was a dream I’d had before,” Kurt said. “A short while after my flashbacks started. I’m watching the aftermath of a car crash but instead of me, the victim is you.”  
  
That surprised Sebastian. Kurt had never mentioned that to him before and suddenly his cries of  _no, please don’t leave me_  the night before made much more sense. He wordlessly wrapped an arm around Kurt’s shoulder and pulled him against his chest. Kurt held him for a few long moments before pulling away. He gave a tight smile and rubbed a hand along his forehead. “Just my brain being weird and projecting fears I guess.”  
  
 _Your fear of losing me. God, if only you knew the things my brain did when I thought I’d lose you_.  
  
Sebastian launched himself at Kurt once more, not caring about how gracelessly he pinned him to the bed but the second he was on top of him, Kurt’s legs fell open to accommodate him and his arms came to wrap around his body, holding him close. Kurt’s mouth was warm and familiar and Sebastian let himself melt into it, tongues and teeth and lips moving together with ease like they had forever and they did, he guessed, but they could also only have these few minutes and Sebastian wanted to make use of every single second. Words were overrated, in Sebastian’s experience,  _touch_  was what said so much with so little. And so, when he slid his palm up the hem of Kurt’s shirt to rest heavy and warm against his stomach, he knew that Kurt understood it to mean  _I’m here_  and  _God, I could kiss you forever_  at the same time.


	21. Chapter 21

  
Objectively, Kurt knew he must have liked going to clubs and bars at some point in his life. He had enough snippets of memories and facebook pictures and videos to deduce as much. But as they queued up in front of  _Pulse_ , Kurt couldn’t really understand  _why_. He supposed he should have been enjoying himself, there was a general buzz of excitement in the air, backed up with the steady thump of the music spilling out from the club doors onto the street. Blaine was next to him, smiling happy and genuine and Sebastian was constantly brushing his hand against his waist or the inside of his wrist while he talked as if he was having trouble keeping his hands to himself.  
  
Really, there was no reason he  _shouldn’t_  have been looking forward to going inside and dancing into the late hours of the night with these two men. Except he was worried he was going to end up embarrassing himself, that shimmying on the dance floor at  _Scandals_  was a far cry from what everyone would be doing inside. The part of him that was still eighteen eclipsed every ounce of confidence his twenty eight year old had at that point leaving him hanging in-between, neither boy nor man, just a very confused Kurt.  
  
“Why do you look like you’re about to throw up?” Sebastian asked, nudging Kurt with an elbow as they shuffled a few steps forward in the line. “You feeling okay?”  
  
Kurt nodded jerkily. “Yeah, I’m fine.”  
  
“Really?” Blaine asked. “You don’t look it.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Kurt repeated firmly.  
  
“Well, if you keep looking so freaking scared, they’re never going to let you in,” Sebastian said. “Seriously Kurt, you look like you’re twelve right now. Even your ID isn’t going to cut it at this point.” Kurt didn’t get a chance to glare at him because Sebastian was suddenly turning around to look at a boy standing in line behind them, a boy who was _definitely_  too young to be there. “You too,” he said to him. “For god’s sake you look like your mommy is about to jump out and catch you any second.”  
  
The boy looked up from where he’d been staring at his feet, blue eyes bright beneath a fringe of sandy hair. He looked startled at being addressed. “W-what?” Kurt noticed the way his eyes raked over Sebastian’s face, the flush of red that spread across his cheeks.  
  
Sebastian glowed with the obvious infatuation. “Tell you what,” he said. “If you manage to make it past the bouncer, I’ll dance with you.”  
  
The boy’s eyes flickered to Kurt and stayed there, his lips parted and surprise painted all over his face. Kurt gave him a small smile before turning back around. “You enjoy attention too much,” he said to Sebastian with a grin, remembering the teenage girl from the restaurant. Sebastian shrugged, not denying it. He wrapped his arm around Kurt’s waist, eyes on Blaine who was staring at someone further down the line. Kurt followed his gaze but there were too many people for him to pinpoint exactly who Blaine was staring at.  
  
“Find someone you like, killer?” Sebastian asked, nudging the back of Blaine’s foot with his shoe.  
  
Blaine blinked and looked away from whoever he’d been staring at. “Maybe,” he said, rolling his shoulders and bouncing on the balls of his feet. His grin reminded Kurt of the reason he’d agreed to come in the first place; because it was what Blaine had wanted and at this point, he was willing to do anything to make his best friend not feel like crap because of some asshole who’d never deserved him.  
  
“I wish they’d hurry up,” Blaine said. “We’ve been out here forever.”  
  
“Ten minutes,” Kurt corrected.  
  
Blaine turned to look at him, eyebrows raised. “Yeah -  _forever_.”  
  
They made it to the front of the queue - much too soon for Kurt’s liking and not soon enough for Blaine’s. The bouncer gave them one look before nodding and letting them through, though Kurt could almost swear he felt his eyes linger dangerously on him as they passed, like he was going to call him back and ask for ID.  _That’s ridiculous_ , Kurt’s inner voice assured him,  _there is no way you look younger than eighteen_.  
  
He certainly felt eighteen though as he took in his surroundings. The inside of the club was twice as loud as the outside, the mass of bodies on the dance floor all pulsating under the tinted blue and purple of the lights. Nothing here even remotely resembled  _Scandals_. It actually made  _Scandals_  look like a barn out in the middle of nowhere. If Kurt hadn’t been nervous enough before, he definitely was now. Any hope he’d had of being hit by a brilliant flash of memory upon entering had been pretty much dashed. The surroundings were almost intimidating in their foreignness.  
  
“Relax,” Sebastian said from next to him, his hand returning to Kurt’s waist and squeezing reassuringly. “It’ll be fun.”  
  
“I know,” Kurt said, straightening his shoulders like he was preparing to walk into the midst of a battle. “I hope so.”  
  
“Look, if you don’t feel up to staying, you can take the car and head home. I’ll grab a cab back with Blaine.”  
  
Kurt shook his head. “No. No, I want to stay.”  
  
“Well then you’re going to have to loosen up, baby,” Sebastian said with a grin just as Blaine dragged them to the bar, demanding tequila shots  _immediately_. Kurt wanted to stop Blaine from drinking, remind him of last night and the horrible hangover this morning, but Sebastian threw him a look saying  _don’t you dare ruin the poor guy’s fun_  and he relented.  
  
Kurt watched Blaine and Sebastian knock back their shots, repeating the process of  _lick, drink, bite_  with practiced precision. “I’m feeling...kinda left out,” he admitted when both Blaine and Sebastian slammed down their final glass and picked up their slices of lime.  
  
Sebastian leaned over his stool to Kurt, face flushed and grinning and said, “Have a taste, then.”  
  
He cupped Kurt’s chin, pressing down on his lower lip with the pad of his thumb until Kurt let his mouth fall open enough for Sebastian to roll his tongue out, gently brushing it over his own. It was still heavy with the bitter-sour flavors of tequila and lime, Kurt’s head spun a little just from the second hand taste. He felt self conscious for all of two seconds, wondering if Blaine was watching them along with the million other people in the club before he let his thoughts go and gripped Sebastian’s arm, reeling him in closer to kiss him more fully on the mouth. He heard Blaine shout over the loud music, something about going off to dance and he sounded happy enough that Kurt didn’t have to pull away from Sebastian to make sure he hadn’t offended him by ignoring him.  
  
“Come on,” Sebastian said a few seconds later, breaking the kiss and taking Kurt’s hand. “Let’s dance.”  
  
Kurt let Sebastian lead him out to the dance floor, right in the middle of the moving crowd. If Kurt had been paying any attention to them, he’d have felt suffocated by the sheer  _number_  of people there, maybe even stared critically at some of the fashion choices they had made. But he wasn’t paying any attention. He was focused solely on Sebastian, the arms around his waist, the feeling of their bodies close together. The tip of Sebastian’s nose touched his cheek, skimming down along his jaw, catching the corner of Kurt’s smile. As they moved, Kurt’s previous nervousness about embarrassing himself on the dance floor faded. His body fell into the natural rhythm well remembered from countless hours spent on this very dance floor with Sebastian. He could feel the beat of the song pulsing under his skin, like a drug injected into his veins, slowly unraveling the part of him that remembered how much he enjoyed this.  
  
Kurt lost track of how long they danced. Heat was pooling in his stomach, spreading through his whole body and growing more urgent with every second he continued to move with and against Sebastian’s body. Even under the shifting purple-blue lights, Sebastian’s eyes were dark and looking at Kurt much in the way a wolf would look at its prey - hungry, eager. It was the satisfaction Kurt got out of teasing Sebastian with every roll of his hips and the press of lips along his skin that kept him from grinding against him hard and fast until he came.  
  
“I hate you,” Sebastian gritted out when Kurt licked along the stubble on his chin.  
  
“You won’t when we get back home and I fuck you on the couch,” Kurt said, dancing his fingers up along Sebastian’s sides. “Or maybe I’ll try fucking you up against the wall. Or maybe  _you_  can fuck  _me_.”  
  
He pulled back enough to get a good look at the hungry expression on Sebastian’s face, grinning in triumph. Sebastian opened his mouth to reply but before he could say anything, Kurt was being tugged away from him, whirled around by a firm hand on his forearm.  
  
“Heeeeyyyyy best friend!” Blaine shouted gleefully, bouncing on his feet even as he kept a firm grip on Kurt’s arm.  
  
“Oh my god,” Kurt gasped as he found his footing again. “Blaine! Are you trying to kill me?”  
  
“No, silly!” said Blaine with a shake of his head as if Kurt was out of his mind. “I’m trying to dance with you!” He let go of Kurt’s arm and proceeded to begin a familiar body bob, face scrunching up and hair flopping around on his head as he danced. “Come on, dance with me!” he said when Kurt just stood there and laughed. He took Kurt’s hand and spun him around, jumping back into his personal space as he tried to lead Kurt into a sashay. Kurt glanced back at where Sebastian stood watching them with a grin on his face before throwing himself into the dance. It was nothing like the sexy, teasing dances he’d shared with Sebastian just now. This was careless and silly and sweetly reminiscent of his and Blaine’s first time at  _Scandals_ , young and nervous and relying on each other to have fun.  
  
“Sebastian! Dance with us!” Blaine shouted when he noticed that Sebastian hadn’t joined them.  
  
“I think I’ll pass,” Sebastian said. “You two are embarrassing.”  
  
Kurt threw him a glare over his shoulder but Sebastian’s grin was affectionate as he moved past them. Blaine wasn’t quite ready to let him go. “Oh no you don’t,” he said, launching himself forward to grab Sebastian’s arm and drag him back. Sebastian ended up sandwiched between the two of them, back pressed to Kurt and chest-to-chest with Blaine. It was slightly awkward because he was taller than both of them by quite a few inches and that made dancing as a threesome difficult.  
  
“Hang on,” Sebastian said, spinning out and around to move behind Kurt. The new position meant Kurt was now pressed between the two men, shimmying with Blaine in front of him and rolling his shoulders back against Sebastian behind him. “This is much better.”  
  
“This is perfect!” Blaine said, leaning in to Kurt as he danced.  
  
Kurt smiled, draping his arms over Blaine’s shoulders as Sebastian brought his own hands down to rest on Kurt’s waist. His muscles were starting to ache a bit but Kurt ignored them, too caught up in Blaine and Sebastian and the thrumming energy in his body.  
  
Yes, this was perfect.  
_  
  
Blaine remained on the dance floor when Kurt and Sebastian moved back to the bar to get more drinks. Kurt collapsed on to a stool as Sebastian ordered for them, scanning the club. The surroundings felt more familiar now, nothing explicit jumping to mind, but they didn’t seem as foreign as they had upon entering it. He saw Blaine had moved on to dance with another guy, a guy Kurt was pretty sure had been in the group he’d seen waiting in line outside. He seemed very... _interested_  in Blaine. If the way he kept grabbing handfuls of Blaine’s ass as they danced was any indication.  
  
Kurt’s didn’t feel the wave of jealously he’d expected at the sight of them, he just felt something protective erupt inside his chest. So far, Blaine had seemed to be having a good time but Kurt remembered the broken way Blaine had looked at him last night, the desperation in his kiss. He just wanted to make sure Blaine wasn’t going to set himself up for more hurt.  
  
“He’s fine,” Sebastian said gently from next to him. Kurt tore his eyes away from Blaine to look at him. Sebastian was watching Blaine with a thoughtful expression on his face.  
  
“From what I remember, you thought he was  _fine_  with Tyler too.”  
  
“Well that guy isn’t Tyler,” Sebastian said decisively. “I don’t want him getting hurt any more than you do but come on, Kurt. He’s having fun. Look at that face.” Kurt had to admit Sebastian was right. Blaine looked incredibly happy, like the dance floor was his natural habitat. The bartender returned with their drinks and Sebastian slid a glass over to Kurt saying, “Now stop staring and drink.”  
  
Kurt looked at the proffered glass and rolled his eyes at the sight of the Shirley Temple. “Seriously, Sebastian? It’s not funny anymore.”  
  
Sebastian grinned. “I think it is.”  
  
Kurt picked up Sebastian’s glass and sniffed. “What’s this?”  
  
“Coke and vodka.” He reached for the glass but Kurt, feeling pleasantly buzzed from dancing and more adventurous than he had been when he’d first walked in, held the glass out of Sebastian’s reach and shook his head.  
  
“I think I’ll hang on to this.”  
  
Sebastian raised his eyebrows and smiled. “I thought you were the designated driver?”  
  
Kurt grinned back at him. “Not anymore.” He wasn’t planning on getting drunk, just a few sips, but it was fun to let Sebastian think so.  
  
He’d only taken a few sips when he saw the boy Sebastian had talked to in line approach them. Sebastian noticed him too and his grin immediately turned smug. “So you made it through,” he said when the boy was within earshot. “And now you want that dance I promised you.”  
  
“Actually, I was um - I was kind of hoping to ask  _you_  for a dance,” the boy said, shifting his gaze to Kurt and staring at him with a hopeful grin. “Just one dance. Please?”  
  
Kurt paused, liquid still sloshing in his mouth. “Uh -sure,” he said, swallowing as an afterthought to his answer. He was still worn out from dancing nonstop for the past hour but this opportunity and the shocked, almost offended look on Sebastian’s face was too priceless to give up. “You don’t mind do you?” he asked Sebastian coolly as he stood up.  
  
Sebastian’s expression gave way to amusement as he picked up Kurt’s abandoned glass and raised it in toast to him. “Knock yourself out,” he said. “Maybe I’ll join you, later.”  
  
“Maybe you’ll stay here and watch me,” Kurt said in a low voice, leaning in to him slightly before turning back to his waiting dance partner and smiling at him. Kurt made sure to find a spot on the dance floor that would give Sebastian at the bar a perfect view before he turned his attention to the boy in front of him. “What’s your name?”  
  
“Sean,” he supplied, reaching out to tentatively place his hands on Kurt’s waist.  
  
“And exactly how old are you Sean?” Kurt asked, tilting his head to the side. His best guess was sixteen. Seventeen at the most.  
  
Sean didn’t answer him. He stepped in closer to Kurt, trying to school his features into a cool expression and said, “Does it matter?”  
  
Kurt wanted to laugh because Sean’s suave act was kind of adorable, but he thought of how he would have felt if some older guy he wanted to dance with badly had laughed in his face and ended up saying, “Not really.”  
  
“Good,” Sean said, relaxing visibly and then, as if he couldn’t control himself any longer - “You’re super hot by the way.”  
  
The laugh bubbled out of Kurt unbidden but Sean didn’t seem offended. He grinned at Kurt, equal parts nervous and smitten. “Thank you,” said Kurt, imaging the way Sebastian would have rolled his eyes at that.  _Thank you? Really, Kurt? That’s what you’re going to say_. “You’re not so bad yourself.”  
  
Sean look flustered at the comment. His eyes moved over Kurt’s shoulder to the bar and he said, “Your boyfriend is watching us.  
  
Kurt resisted the urge to turn around and see for himself but he couldn’t help adding an extra swivel to his hips as he moved, knowing that Sebastian was watching. “He’s not my boyfriend,” said Kurt and then, seeing the flicker of hope on Sean’s face, quickly added, “He’s my husband.” The words still made him feel giddy and warm in the same way they had at the bar last night but Sean looked disappointed.  
  
“Your - wait, you’re married?” When Kurt nodded, Sean swore under his breath, looking heartbroken for a second before he sighed and said, “Well it wasn’t like I had a chance with you anyway.”  
  
Kurt liked him. He smiled and tipped his head forward. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” he said with a small wink.  
  
The music was loud over them but Kurt could tell Sean had heard him because his lips stretched into a wide grin, cheeks darkening with color as he ducked his head, breaking eye contact. He was looking back up in the next second though, more confident but still blushing slightly. “Well you’re just going to have to make do with a single dance, I’m afraid,” he said.  
  
Kurt laughed and took Sean’s proffered hand, letting him spin him around. He saw Sebastian through the crowd, watching him over the rim of his glass but too many people were moving through his line of sight for him to make out clearly the expression on his face. From what Kurt could see, he was pretty sure Sebastian was grinning and it sparked an odd sense of déjà vu within him.  
  
Sean looked like he’d taken all his dancing queues from Blaine and Finn which left him doing an awkward albeit energetic bounce-flail-shimmey. He pulled it off though, managed to be more endearing than embarrassing and when the song was over, he let his hands flop to the side and glared up at the ceiling. When he looked back down at Kurt, it was with the same, smitten smile with an edge of gratitude to it. “Well, that’s it I guess.”  
  
Kurt would have given him a second dance but he was feeling dizzy. “It was fun,” he said as they stepped away from the other dancers.  
  
“It was,” Sean said a little breathlessly. “Thanks.”  
  
“I’ll see you around Sean,” Kurt said, touching his arm briefly as he moved past him.  
  
He’d taken three steps forward when Sean came rushing back. “Wait!” Kurt stopped walking, letting Sean cut in front of him. “Sorry,” Sean said quickly. “I just - I don’t know your name.”  
  
Kurt was  _really_  enjoying how smitten this boy was with him. “It’s Kurt,” he supplied. His ego may have been a little too inflated but Kurt couldn’t help but think that in the pause that followed, Sean was trying out his name in his mind and on his tongue.  
  
“Kurt,” he said. “That’s - yeah. Um...” he trailed off, his gaze dropping from Kurt’s eyes to his lips and then flickering back up. Before Kurt could say goodbye once more and head back to Sebastian, Sean darted in and kissed him on the cheek, hard and fast before pulling back. “Bye, Kurt,” he all but squeaked, avoiding Kurt’s gaze. Kurt smiled in surprise, staring after Sean as he turned around and disappeared into the crowd.  
  
Sebastian was waiting for him right where Kurt had left him. He didn’t waste a second and immediately pulled Kurt close, covering his mouth with his own in a raw display of passion that contrasted hilariously with the nervous kiss on the cheek Sean had given him.  
  
And it was with that kiss that the déjà vu from before suddenly made sense.  
  
Kurt broke away from Sebastian and looked into his eyes; dark, excited. “It turns you on, doesn’t it,” he said. “Watching me dance with other people? It -” he leaned in, just barely brushing his lips against Sebastian’s parted ones, “it  _really_  turns you on.”  
  
Sebastian wrapped his arm firmly around Kurt’s waist and kissed him again. “You say that like I’m the only one getting turned on here. Tell me you didn’t enjoy that.”  
  
Kurt shrugged, moving to take up the empty stool next to Sebastian. “Sean was sweet.”  
  
“I’m not talking about your little admirer,” Sebastian said sounding only a little irritated. Turned on or not, Kurt was willing to bet anything that Sebastian was just a little bit jealous that Sean had gone for him and not Sebastian. A wounded ego was not something Sebastian took well to, whatever the circumstances.  
  
“Then what are you talking about?” Kurt asked, unable to resist pushing Sebastian’s buttons just a little bit. “From what I got, we talking about getting turned on and dancing with Sean turned me on. Simple as that.” He didn’t add that the arousal had been entirely the work of Sebastian’s eyes watching him from the distance.  
  
“You know what I’m talking about, Kurt. Don’t pretend like you don’t.” Kurt stared at him, face purposefully blank. Sebastian’s jaw tightened for a second before he relaxed. “Fine,” he said, his lips quirking into a familiar smirk. “Maybe a practical demonstration will help you more.”  
  
With that, he was out of his seat and heading a few stools to Kurt’s left. Kurt turned, curious, and saw Sebastian grab the arm of a tall, muscular brunette. “What are you doing, man?!” the guy protested.  
  
“I’m giving you a chance to feel up the ass you’ve been staring at all night,” Sebastian said.  
  
Kurt watched the two of them head to the dance floor, the brunette guy now much more willing. Sebastian shot Kurt a look over his shoulder just before they started dancing and -  _oh_. Kurt had figured it out already, knew that it was something of a game to the two of them to dance with other people and thrill in the knowledge that they’d still be going home together at the end of the night - but bits and pieces of memory were nothing compared to actually watching Sebastian with someone else.  
  
His eyes followed the movement of their bodies, something possessive and warm curling in him at the sight of the arm the man was sliding up Sebastian’s arm. Sebastian had his cheek pressed to the side of the guy’s head, eyes fixed on Kurt and smirk still plastered to his lips. Kurt finally understood what Santana had meant by the term  _eye fucking_  
  
“There you are!”  
  
Kurt looked up, startled for the second time that night to see Blaine sliding on to Sebastian’s empty stool. “Hi,” Kurt said, voice a little rough. “Having fun?”  
  
“Yeah!” Blaine exclaimed, grabbing a handful of peanuts from a nearby bowl and popping them in his mouth. He was sweaty and smelled strongly of alcohol but he seemed marginally less drunk than he had been after the tequila shots. The dancing had sobered him up but hadn’t taken away any of his energy. He was practically bouncing on his stool. “This was the best idea ever! I’m not thinking of Tyler at all.”  
  
Kurt arched an eyebrow. Blaine purposefully avoided looking at him, chewing on his peanuts. “Where’s Sebastian?”  
  
“Dancing,” Kurt said, eyes darting back to the dance floor where Sebastian was now holding up his left hand and undoubtedly dropping the ‘I’m married’ bomb on his dance partner. The guy didn’t seem to care. He shrugged and cupped Sebastian’s hip, leaning in closer.  _Mine_  Kurt thought smugly when Sebastian looked up at Kurt and winked. He turned away, back to Blaine who was now reaching for the remains of Kurt’s Shirley Temple.  
  
“This...isn’t alcohol,” he said a little dumbly.  
  
“It’s probably better for you, that’s for sure.” Kurt said. Blaine shrugged and drank it all in one gulp. “So,” Kurt started. “Where’s the guy you were dancing with. He seemed pretty...into you.”  
  
“Ah, I ditched him,” said Blaine, leaning his weight against Kurt’s side.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“No reason,” Blaine said with a shrug. “I just got tired of dancing. I’ll find him again.” They watched the dancers in silence for a few seconds before Blaine commented almost absently, “He liked my ass a lot. Like - a  _lot_.”  
  
Kurt laughed. “Yeah, I saw.”  
  
“Kurt,” Blaine said suddenly, sitting up and looking much more sober than he had a second ago. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“For what?”  
  
“For kissing you last night.”  
  
“You don’t - you don’t have to apologize for that,” Kurt said.  
  
“I do. I shouldn’t have planted one on you like that.”  
  
“Oh like you haven’t done that a million times before?” Kurt asked in a light voice. “Come on, Blaine. It’s fine.”  
  
Blaine looked surprised at the comment and something behind his eyes shifted, caution morphing into relief. “I just thought. You know - after what happened on the roof and everything that...” he trailed off, shrugging in lieu of finishing his sentence.  
  
Kurt understood what he meant to say and lay a comforting hand on Blaine’s knee. “At some point you’re going to have to stop treating me like I’m something breakable. I’m not as clueless as I was on that rooftop anymore, you know. I’ve started remembering things. You don’t have to watch yourself around me, not anymore.”  
  
It was pointless to mention the turmoil he’d gone through the whole night dealing with his feelings for Blaine, the realization that they still existed somewhere inside of him as strong as passionate as they had ten years ago, but overshadowed by his still more passionate love for Sebastian. He had no idea how long it would take for his memory to be restored completely, for all he knew, he could spend the next two weeks madly in love with Blaine as he remembered more and more things from their time together and the weeks after that hating him when he remembered the details of their break up. For now, he just wanted Blaine to treat him like he was his best friend, not like he was some sort of replica he had to censor himself around.  
  
Blaine smiled at him, eyes wet and shining, and a second later Kurt had an armful of his best friend and a mouthful of his hair. He laughed, fighting to not topple off his stool at the force with which Blaine had thrown himself at him and hugged him back.  
  
“I’ve missed you,” Blaine said when he finally pulled back.  
  
“I never left. Well...not really”  
  
“It felt like you did.” Blaine leaned forward and pecked Kurt on the lips quickly, a friendly kiss that made Kurt think of New Year’s parties and his wedding and hollering a drunken Blaine home with Sebastian after Friday nights out clubbing. “Let’s dance,” Blaine said, standing up and jerking his head towards the dance floor.  
  
“I thought you were tired,” said Kurt.  
  
“I’m never tired enough to dance with you.” Kurt rolled his eyes when Blaine tapped his nose with a finger.  
  
“Come on then, tiger,” he said with a short laugh, looping his arm through Blaine’s. “Let’s go embarrass Sebastian some more.”  
_  
  
Somewhere in the middle of the third song, Blaine disappeared again, leaving Kurt to dance with Sebastian. Their movements were still charged with sexual frustration, with the teasing promise of acting on every instinct in their body as soon as they got home but they were also worn out and they’d slowed down their pace, grinding in a way that was much more subtle and subsequently, far more frustrating.  
  
Kurt slipped his hands into the back pockets of Sebastian’s jeans and squeezed at a handful of his ass through the denim. Sebastian groaned quietly, a sound that would have been lost amidst the music if Sebastian’s mouth hadn’t been right next to his ear.  
  
“Please tell me we’re getting out of here soon. I’m so hard it  _hurts_ ,” Sebastian said, biting lightly on the lobe of Kurt’s ear.  
  
Kurt smiled, pressing into the touch as Sebastian kissed behind his ear and mouthed along the side of his neck. “You may be over exaggerating a little.” He could feel Sebastian was half hard, but he supposed the sexual frustration alone was enough to make his body quiver with need for release.  
  
“Fuck over exaggeration. I want you.”  
  
The admission made Kurt tilt his head and catch Sebastian’s mouth in a biting kiss that sent a hot flash of desire coursing through his own body. Sebastian’s hand came up to cup his face, gripping his cheeks firmly between his palms as he licked his way into his mouth. “Okay, yes.” Kurt said with a small gasp when they pulled back. “Let’s leave. Let’s just find Blaine and ... tell him we’re leaving.”  
  
There was the slight problem of finding Blaine now that they’d lost him to the crowd and the longer it took to locate him, the more Kurt worried that Blaine would want, or need them to stay with him for the rest of the night, and he knew both he and Sebastian would agree. Tonight  _had_  been about Blaine.  
  
Fortunately, Blaine found them, appearing out of nowhere much like he had been all night. Kurt was relieved to see he was just as cheerful as he’d been when he’d left them on the dance floor. “Hey,” he said, waving as he pushed through people to get to them. “I’m gonna head home now.”  
  
“Oh thank god,” Kurt breathed. “So are we,” he said in a louder voice.  
  
“You going home alone, killer?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“No, I uh -” Blaine grinned, fidgeting slightly. “I’ve met someone.”  
  
“ _Met_  someone, met someone?” asked Kurt with raised eyebrows.  
  
“No! No. Just. Met someone. For the night. You know...” he trailed off, looking impatiently at Kurt as he waited for the bell to ring.  
  
When it did, Kurt’s eyes widened because  _of course_. He was such an idiot. “Oh! That’s. Um, great.”  
  
The idea of Blaine going home for a night of casual, no strings attached sex unsettled him for two very distinct reasons. The eighteen year old in him was struck a little dumb by the mere idea of Blaine and a one night stand, while the other part of him that was older, not as judgemental and well accustomed to the idea of casual sex, was cautious that this guy - whoever he was - would end up as another Tyler.  
  
“Kurt?” Blaine looked guarded, like Kurt’s reaction was not what he’d expected, was even a little offensive.  
  
Kurt released his lower lip from where he’d been digging into it with his teeth and smiled. “Have fun,” he said, leaning in to hug Blaine.  
  
“Remember to use condoms,” Sebastian said when Blaine moved to hug him. Blaine wacked him on the back of his head.  
  
“Thanks for tonight guys,” Blaine said with a grateful smiled. “I needed this.”  
  
“Anytime,” said Sebastian with a wink. “Now don’t keep the guy waiting.”  
  
Blaine grinned at them one last time before turning around and disappearing back in the direction he’d just came. Sebastian’s hand slid back from Kurt’s waist to rest along the top of his ass. “Let’s go home,” he whispered in Kurt’s ear, and that was possibly the sexiest thing he’d said to him all night.  
_  
  
It was very difficult to unlock the door when Sebastian was pressing up along his back, hands gripping Kurt’s hips firmly and mouth moving wetly along the back of his neck. Kurt shivered and tried unsuccessfully to get the key through the lock.  
  
“Sebastian,” he gritted out with difficulty. Key. Lock. And then sex. He had to take this step by step. “Sebastian, can you at least let me open the door?”  
  
Sebastian hummed, the vibration against his skin sending another shiver rolling down Kurt’s spine, but he showed no signs of stopping. Kurt clutched the keys tighter in his hand and let his forehead thump against the door. He could feel Sebastian’s breath hot against the side of his neck where he was now kissing a path up to his jaw. His hands tightened around Kurt’s hips, sliding forward to brush teasingly along the erection that was now forming in his jeans.  
  
Kurt sucked in a shaky breath through his nose and managed to shoulder Sebastian off of him long enough to unlock and open the door. The apartment was dark after the light of the hallway, Kurt had to blink a few times as he toed off his shoes to let his eyes adjust. He turned around when the door shut behind him to find Sebastian flipping through his wallet.  
  
“What’re you looking for?” he asked.  
  
“Lube,” Sebastian replied. “I usually always have packets with me but - fuck.” He looked up at Kurt. “Got any on you?”  
  
“No. But -”  
  
“Can’t wait that long,” Sebastian said as if he’d read Kurt’s mind. “Bedroom’s too far.”  
  
Kurt couldn’t help but agree so when Sebastian pushed him back against the wall making the framed photographs next to him rattle dangerously, Kurt didn’t protest and just draped his arms over his shoulders. Sebastian kissed him, smelling lightly of cologne. In fact, the whole apartment held the lingering hints of Sebastian and Kurt’s cologne, of Sebastian’s body wash and Kurt’s hairspray. It was a combination that was so familiar to Kurt’s senses that he felt some of the urgency from before dissipate as a wave of powerful emotion he couldn’t name coursed through him.  
  
The fact that he had left this apartment with Sebastian, was returning home with him at the end of the night, and that Sebastian would be next to him the next morning and the morning after that and the morning after that made Kurt feel secure and safe and loved in a way that was almost overwhelming to the part of him that was, despite everything, still young.  
  
Cupping Sebastian’s face with both hands, Kurt kissed him harder, breathing in and letting the comforting scent of  _them_  settle around him. Sebastian’s fingers were on the buttons of his shirt, desperately working them through their holes. Kurt grabbed the hem of Sebastian’s own long sleeved t-shirt and pulled it over his head.  
  
“Isn’t there lube under the couch cushions?” he asked in between kisses.  
  
Sebastian paused, breathing hard. “Huh?”  
  
“Lube. I think I kept some there last week after -” he didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because Sebastian was now walking over to the couch, flicking on a lamp and digging under the cushions. Kurt followed him, feeling light headed. The look of triumph on Sebastian’s face when he found the small bottle made Kurt laugh but it quickly died in his throat when Sebastian began undoing the button of his jeans. He kicked them off, along with his shoes leaving him only in a pair of dark blue boxer briefs and socks.  
  
Mouth dry, Kurt made his way towards him and without being fully conscious of what he was doing, placed his hands on Sebastian’s shoulder and  _jumped_. His legs locked around Sebastian’s waist, arms curving to wrap around his neck as he attacked Sebastian’s mouth hungrily. Sebastian swayed dangerously under the weight of him, almost enough to make Kurt worry that he was going to lose his balance and send both of them crashing to the floor, but then he found his footing and gripped Kurt tighter, walking them around the couch to the window.  
  
Kurt winced when his overheated back made contact with the glass, cool from the air conditioning. He arched away from the touch, pressing himself harder against the warmth of Sebastian’s chest. Sebastian kissed down the column of his neck, sucking at his pulse point, licking along his adam’s apple before he set Kurt back on his feet and turned him around.  
  
“Take off your pants,” he said over the distinctive click of a bottle cap opening.  
  
Kurt did, undoing his belt hastily and pushing his jeans and underwear down to where they pooled around his feet. He stepped out of them and kicked them aside just as Sebastian pressed back in against him. Instead of his circling his hole like Kurt had expected them to, Sebastian’s fingers moved lower to smear along the inside of his thigh. Kurt’s legs parted on instinct but he frowned, “What - what the hell are you doing?” he asked.  
  
Sebastian kissed his neck, behind his ear. “Just trust me,” he said and continued to spread the lube. “You like this.”  
  
Kurt allowed himself to relax and wrapped a hand around his cock, stroking languidly to relieve some of the tension. Sebastian once again, moved away. Kurt groaned in frustration and looked over his shoulder to see him ripping open two condom packets. He would have complained and told Sebastian he was just wasting time but he knew he’d been told that he had been the one to enforce the rule.  
  
After the glow of fucking on every available surface when they’d first moved in had died down and they’d had to spend an unappealing amount of time wiping off come stains from various places, Kurt had set up strict rules stating that if they were going to fuck in the kitchen or on the couch or anywhere else except for the bedroom, they had to wear condoms or make do with blowjobs which, in comparison were a lot less messier.  
  
Sebastian slid a condom down on Kurt’s cock and wrapped his hand around it, pumping slowly as his own erection rubbed along the crease of Kurt’s ass, slick with lube. Kurt licked his lips and pushed back against him, moving his hips in a slow grind, an echo of the dances they’d shared earlier that night. Sebastian’s mouth returned to the back of his neck, kissing sloppily as his hand continued to stroke him.  
  
Kurt had been expecting to get fucked up against the window but this was turning out to be a really good alternative. The window had been cold anyway.  
  
With the lights of the city blinking back at him, the quiet, muffled sounds Sebastian was making into his skin and the still lingering smell of their skin and products hanging around them, their movements seemed to gain an air of sensuality. Kurt could see Sebastian’s reflection in the glass, watching him silently. When Kurt smiled and curved a hand back to slip through his hair, Sebastian turned his face and kissed Kurt’s cheek tenderly, following it up with a hot lick along the shell of his ear. Kurt leaned his head back against Sebastian’s shoulder, gasping at the sudden sensation of him sliding his erection between Kurt’s slippery thighs. He began to thrust, his cock dragging along Kurt’s balls in a way that made his breath catch and his body flash hotter.  
  
“Faster,” Kurt said, pulling a hand away from the window to place it over the hand Sebastian had on his cock. He guided him through setting a faster pace, moaning when he felt tension building up at the base of his spine. Sebastian dragged his other hand up from Kurt’s hip to brush his fingers along his nipple and Kurt tilted his head, angling his mouth up to kiss him.  
  
He gasped into Sebastian’s mouth when his orgasm washed over him, prompted by the simple slide of Sebastian’s tongue over his and the circling thumb at the head of Kurt’s cock. He sagged a little, bracing his arm on the window and leaning forward as Sebastian started thrusting harder, chasing after his own release. Kurt squeezed his thighs tighter and continued to arch his hips, moving along with Sebastian until he felt the unmistakable pulsing of Sebastian’s cock as he spilled inside the condom.  
  
“Fuck,” Sebastian said, running his hands down Kurt’s sides in long strokes before slumping against his back. “Did you like that?”  
  
“Mm,” Kurt replied, removing his condom and tying off the end. He let it drop to the floor, determined to pick it up later along with the mess of clothes they’d scattered around the apartment.  
  
“You know the first time we did this was the night we moved in to this place,” Sebastian said, breath hot against Kurt’s shoulder. “Do you remember?”  
  
 _Boxes scattered all around, rain pounding the windows_  - “Not really,” said Kurt.  
  
Sebastian’s hands framed his hips when he turned around, eyes glinting with the memory. “Yeah,” he said. “After we’d fucked on the floor and over the kitchen counter and tried out the bed, you just pushed me up against the window and slid your cock between my thighs.”  
  
“Mm,” Kurt hummed again, curling his arms around Sebastian’s neck and tilting his head up for a kiss. Their lips moved slowly, unhurried as the seconds slipped past them. Kurt only drew back when his stomach growled and he realized he’d barely eaten anything all day. “I’m hungry,” he said.  
  
Sebastian’s lips moved from Kurt’s mouth to his chin, teeth dragging along his neck. “Me too.” His fingers circled around Kurt’s now flaccid penis enquiringly. “How long before you can go again? I wanna suck you.”  
  
“Food first,” said Kurt with a pat to the back of Sebastian’s neck.  
  
Sebastian sighed and straightened up with one last kiss to the side of Kurt’s neck. For a second, Kurt couldn’t move because the sight of Sebastian, his skin flushed and glowing in the light of the lamp, eyes warm as they stared at Kurt made him breathless. Kurt touched his cheek, giving himself a second to appreciate how absolutely fucking  _gorgeous_  his husband was before he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sebastian’s shoulder, the emotions swirling inside of him calming at the familiar, intimate gesture.  
  
Sebastian inhaled deeply, his hand coming up to cup the back of Kurt’s head and stroke his hair. They stood there, suspended in the moment with unspoken words filling the air around them,  _I love you. I love you,_  until they both drew back and Kurt bent to pick up his briefs.  
  
“Can you clean up?” he asked Sebastian. “I’ll see if there are any leftovers in the fridge.”  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Kurt was sitting cross legged on the kitchen island, Sebastian standing in front of him, sharing a bowl of stir fry noodles. Their forks clanged against each other as they ate, stealing kisses in between bites. Sebastian hadn’t bothered to put anything on, leaving Kurt to enjoy the glorious expanse of his naked body and imagine all the things he wanted to do to it.  
  
“So we’re fucking after this.”  
  
“Yes,” Kurt said, smiling at how Sebastian didn’t even bother to make it sound like a question.  
  
“I want to try something,” he said.  
  
“Have we ‘tried’ it before?” Kurt asked, arching an eyebrow. He knocked Sebastian’s fork out of the way so he could stab at a piece of chicken Sebastian had been after. Sebastian looked at him with an irritated flare of his nostrils but didn’t pull back when Kurt leaned in to brush a dry kiss against his lips.  
  
“Yes. I doubt you remember, though.” Sebastian said, closing his mouth around a forkful of noodles. It was odd, considering he was just eating but Kurt found the movement of his lips as he chewed a huge turn on. Or maybe it wasn’t him chewing as much as it was the fact that he was standing inches away from him, stark naked and half hard thinking about some kinky plan that Kurt was sure would end up every bit as amazing as the sex they’d just had.  
  
“Are you going to tell me?” Kurt asked.  
  
“No. But you’ll find out.” Sebastian said with a grin.

-

“I thought we were going to fuck,” Kurt said with a frown as he came out of the bathroom later to find Sebastian sitting on the couch, fiddling with the TV remote.  
  
“We are,” Sebastian said. “C’mere.”  
  
Kurt ignored the space next to him where Sebastian was gesturing for him to sit and instead crawled onto Sebastian’s lap. “I’m here,” he said, wrapping his arms around Sebastian’s neck. “Now what’s your big plan apart from  _this_.” He grinned at the hiss Sebastian let out when he rolled his hips down against his erection.  
  
“If you gave me a second to talk instead of attacking me, I’d tell you.” Sebastian said before pushing Kurt off his lap, sending him collapsing on the couch next to him. Kurt didn’t get a chance to be annoyed because his eyes fell on the TV screen and he froze.  
  
The display was innocent, a blue background with a list of generic file names with ‘PRIVATE’ emblazoned at the top of the screen. The sight made Kurt’s heart stop pumping for a second as things clicked into place. Knowing what the file contained didn’t do anything to calm the part of him that had just discovered that -  
  
“WE MADE A SEX TAPE?!”  
  
Sebastian laughed. “So you  _do_  remember. And not tape,  _tapes_.” Kurt stared at him, shocked and speechless. “Hey,” Sebastian said. “It was your idea.”


	22. Chapter 22

_Kurt’s nails are digging into his skin where he’s got his hands curled into fists to restrain himself. Sebastian is kneeling on the bed in front of him, pushing his cock through his fist while his other hand plays with his nipples. Kurt stares transfixed at the wet tip of his cock as it slides in and out of sight, dripping precome. Sebastian’s close, his breaths uneven and thumb swiping furiously under the head of his cock the way it always does when he’s trying to push himself over the edge. Kurt has learned every tell in Sebastian’s body language, every little touch and what it means for Sebastian, for what he’s feeling. Just a little more and it’ll be enough...  
  
“Come on,” Kurt whispers. “Come on, Sebastian.”  
  
Sebastian can’t hear him, he’s too far away but the silent command to come must be evident on Kurt’s face because one glance at him and Sebastian’s eyes are slamming shut against the onslaught of pleasure as his orgasm finally hits him. He bends over, hand pumping his cock furiously, pulling out every last drop of com and with that, Kurt is pushing off from the wall and striding towards the bed. He presses Sebastian’s back to the mattress and seals their mouths together in a hungry, desperate kiss that is almost too hard to be pleasurable. But Kurt is far past any tenderness. He’s spent the past twenty five minutes watching Sebastian work his way up to and give himself an orgasm without once touching himself, or touching Sebastian and he is going to  _explode_  if he doesn’t come soon.  
  
He wraps his hands around his erection, stroking erratically as every muscle in his body tightens. Sebastian is boneless and lazy, mouth pliant under Kurt’s lips. “Want some help with that?” he asks with a small, smug smirk, directing his eyes to where Kurt is furiously working his hand over himself. He sits up, scooting back on the bed enough for him to bend comfortably and take Kurt’s straining erection into his mouth.  
  
Kurt gasps, falling back on the hand that’s pressed flat against the mattress and closing the other in Sebastian’s hair. “Fuck,” he breathes as Sebastian begins to suck him. “Fuck - Sebastian...”  
  
It takes barely a minute of the hard, relentless sucking for him to come. Cool air ghosts across his spent cock, wet from Sebastian’s mouth as Sebastian releases him. Kurt shudders, collapsing on to the bed, lips still parted and body buzzing with the afterglow of his orgasm. It takes a few minutes for his vision to clear, for his breathing to return to normal. Sebastian is hovering over him, elbow propped up on the bed next to Kurt’s head.  
  
“The next time we do that,” Kurt says breathlessly, trailing his fingertips over Sebastian’s chin, “I’m filming you.” _  
_  
  
The shock was slowly fading as Kurt came to terms with the discovery. It was easier to get over the horror at the thought of him ever making a sex tape ( _tapes_ ), once he remembered how comfortable he’d felt while making them. Images of him and Sebastian fumbling with cameras, working out angles, abandoning filming endeavours altogether to just fuck came trickling back to him but the actual content of those films remained muddled.  
  
Something about the first file on the list caught his attention though, a feeling that he clicked it most out of all of them.  
  
“Kurt?”  
  
Looking away from the screen, Kurt found Sebastian staring at him. “Play the first one,” he said.  
  
“Well that was a fast change of heart,” said Sebastian, eyebrows shooting up.  
  
“I was just surprised before,” Kurt said quickly. “Play it, come on.”  
  
“But that one’s just me -”  
  
“Sebastian. I know.” Which surprised him because a second ago, he  _hadn’t_  known. But with Sebastian’s words, everything rushed back making Kurt’s cock twitch, his frustration growing when Sebastian didn’t make any move to play the video. “What are you waiting for?”  
  
In lieu of a reply, Sebastian kissed him, fast and messy, not giving Kurt a chance to close his eyes before he was pulling away. A second later, the screen went blank as Sebastian clicked  _play_.  
_  
  
 _”Mmm,” Kurt hums against Sebastian’s lips. “No touching involved, remember?”  
  
“I can hardly do this without touching, Kurt,” Sebastian says before licking his way back into Kurt’s mouth.  
  
“You know what I mean. No touching  **me**.” Kurt struggles to find the strength to pull away from Sebastian but his husband is kneeling in front of him hot and hard and Kurt can’t resist dipping his head back down for one last kiss...  
  
“Okay, okay. Stop,” he says a second later, tearing his lips away from Sebastian’s mouth but Sebastian just grabs the collar of Kurt’s shirt and hauls him back in. “No,” Kurt says, slipping out of Sebastian’s grip. “No more distractions.” He moves to their bookshelf, leaving Sebastian to flop down on the bed and let out a frustrated groan. Kurt takes a few, shaky breaths to calm himself and discreetly presses the heel of his hand against his clothed erection before picking up the video camera from the shelf and switching it on.  
  
“Ready?” he asks, turning back to Sebastian.  
  
Sebastian stretches himself out on the bed, arm curved over his head and rolls his eyes. “Who the fucks says  **ready**  before filming their boyfriend jerking off?”  
  
“You’re not my boyfriend,” Kurt says, zooming in drastically to capture the look on Sebastian’s face. He peeks over the top of the camera and grins, “You’re my husband.”  
  
“Oh right,” Sebastian says with a short laugh. “I forgot about that.”  
  
“How can you forget we’re  _married_? The ceremony was barely six months ago,” Kurt says, the hand holding the camera dropping down to his side in disbelief.  
  
“Because we’ve been boyfriends way longer than we’ve been husbands? Why the fuck are we having this conversation, we’re supposed to be shooting porn.”  
  
“I prefer to call it private entertainment,” says Kurt coolly, raising the camera again. “And you’re the one who keeps delaying things.”  
  
“Fine,” Sebastian says. “Let’s do this”  
  
Grinning, Kurt hits the record button_  
_  
  
The video started abruptly, black screen cutting into a shot of Sebastian stretched out on their bed. He had the fingers of one hand playing with a nipple, cock gripped tightly in the other. Kurt felt a sharp tug of arousal low in his belly, heat quickly spreading through his body like liquid fire working its way up from the throb in his cock to the tips of his ears, trailing back down along his collarbone and chest. His mouth went dry, hand automatically moving to press against his crotch. He didn’t realize Sebastian had slid from the couch down to his knees in front of him until a puff of hair obscured his view before ducking out of sight. Kurt’s hand was pushed away, replaced by the warm, wet heat of Sebastian’s mouth.  
  
“Oh god,” Kurt gasped without looking away from the TV. His hips arched up as Sebastian’s tongue swirled over the material of his briefs, making the damp cotton cling to his erection.  
  
On-screen Sebastian looked directly at the camera and grinned lazily, the same grin Kurt found reflected back at him when he glanced down at his own Sebastian. Tilting his head, Sebastian kissed down the hard length of Kurt’s cock through his underwear, before moving back to the head and sucking it into his mouth. Kurt wished he had two pairs of eyes, that way he wouldn’t have had to choose between watching Sebastian touch himself or watching Sebastian touch  _him_. It was a struggle to keep his eyes open at all, actually given the ripples of pleasure that kept rolling through his body with unexpected jolts.  
  
Hands threading through Sebastian’s hair, Kurt looked back up, barely containing a low moan at the sight of on-screen Sebastian now on his stomach, ass on display as he rubbed himself against the sheets. Lips moved from his cock to the inside of Kurt’s thighs, sucking wet kisses along the skin and even though Kurt wasn’t looking at him, he knew Sebastian was enjoying this immensely. He tilted his hips up, hoping Sebastian would get the hint and remove his underwear but the suggestion as ignored, along with the low whine of desperation that escaped Kurt’s throat.  
  
Kurt gave up, tugging Sebastian’s hair hard enough for it to hurt as a sign of how annoyed he was before he let himself relax and focused all his attention on the screen. Sebastian worked him up to the edge faster than he should have been able to without even taking off his briefs, but considering how Kurt had to restrain himself from coming every few seconds when on-screen Sebastian did something mind numbingly hot, he wasn’t surprised.  
  
Eventually, the teasing torture of Sebastian’s mouth became too much. “Can you just -” Kurt tore his eyes away from the screen with great difficulty to glare at Sebastian, “- get  _on_  with it?” Sebastian smirked, tracing his tongue along the outline of Kurt’s balls before hooking his thumbs over the waistband of his briefs and finally pulling them down. “ _Thank you_ ,” Kurt sighed in relief when Sebastian took him into his mouth.  
_  
  
 _“Too tight?”  
  
Sebastian tugs at the scarf binding his wrists together over his head. “No, it’s fine.”  
  
“Good.” Kurt leans down to kiss him briefly before sitting back up.  
  
The tripod is set up next to the bed. All Kurt has to do is press the record button and then lose himself in touching Sebastian, but his brain is whirring, thinking of the limited visual capacity of having the camera at a stationary position. For one, when Kurt watches those videos later, he won’t be able to appreciate Sebastian the same way he can right now. The camera will only film him from the side, leaving the image of how he looks beneath Kurt’s straddling legs, muscles taut and skin flushed, all up to his own imagination.  
  
“What?” Sebastian asks, eyes flickering over Kurt’s expression.  
  
Kurt realizes he’s been chewing on his lower lip in contemplation as he stares at the camera. “Nothing,” he says quickly. “I’m just thinking if maybe we can find a better way to make this work.”  
  
“Do you want me to turn over?” Sebastian asks. “You can fuck me deeper that way.”  
  
The thought makes Kurt lose his train of thought for a second but he quickly regains his bearings and shakes his head. “No, I meant the camera - how am I going to be able to see you like this if it’s only filming from one angle?” He runs a finger down Sebastian’s chest, absently swirling it around a hardened nipple. “I guess I could hold the camera in my hand and ride you instead but that would -”  
  
“No,” Sebastian cuts in firmly. “You got to make your wank material last week. This video is all for me.”  
  
Kurt arches an eyebrow. “You’re not really in the position to be making demands right now.”  
  
“Watch me,” Sebastian counters. “We are not going to make another video with just my face in it. I know I’m hot Kurt, but if I wanted to watch myself while I got off, I’d just look in the mirror.”  
  
“Okay fine,” Kurt says with a huff of breath. “What do you want to jerk off to?”  
  
“You,” says Sebastian simply. “I want to be able to watch you fuck me while I’m tied up. Simple as that. Which is why we’re not going to touch the camera and leave it exactly where it is.”  
  
Kurt reaches out and takes the camera in his hand anyway, much to Sebastian’s frustration. “Oh shut up,” he says with a roll of his eyes. “We’ll do it your way but if we’re going to stick to boring angles while fucking, then I want a few shots of my own in the introduction.” _  
_  
  
If Kurt had thought that nothing could be hotter than watching Sebastian touch himself, then he had been sorely wrong. The very first shot of the second video was a close up of a pair of tightly bound wrists, panning out to show the entirety of Sebastian’s upper body, beaded with sweat and squirming under the touch of Kurt’s wandering fingers.  
  
 _“God, you look so hot,_ ” Kurt’s on-screen counterpart said.  
  
“Do I?” Sebastian asked, looking up at Kurt from his knees. His voice was closer, rough from blowing Kurt in a way that made his insides twist hotter and Kurt gave up the image on the TV to look back down at the real thing. Sebastian’s cheek was pressed to Kurt’s knee, hand now moving over Kurt’s cock with the same, slow rhythm his mouth had been just seconds ago. “Kurt,” he said, smirk pulling the corner of his mouth up. “Do I look hot?”  
  
“ _Yes,_ ” Kurt breathed as Sebastian twisted his hand on the upstroke. He was leaking precome onto Sebastian’s fingers, his whole body desperate for release. “Sebastian...” He didn’t need to complete his sentence because Sebastian seemed to understand. He leaned up, slanting his mouth over Kurt’s and kissing him briefly, but thoroughly before he took his hand and pulled Kurt to the floor. A white sheet followed after them as Sebastian hastily spread it out on their rug and crawled on top of it.  
  
“We don’t have any condoms left,” he explained at the sight of Kurt’s inquiring face.  
  
Kurt was secretly glad. The thought of Sebastian fucking him without anything in between them appealed greatly to his lust clouded mind, ruined sheets be damned. To his surprise - and disappointment - instead of positioning himself behind Kurt, Sebastian moved to settle on all fours in  _front_  of him. “Hang on-”  
  
“What for?” Sebastian asked. “Fuck me, come on. I’m ready.”  
  
He was, Kurt noted; stretched open and wet from lube, clenching in anticipation as he waited for Kurt to fuck him. The sight of on-screen Kurt working three fingers into Sebastian seemed to mock the fact that Kurt had been denied the same pleasure. Figuring there was no point in arguing over why Sebastian hadn’t let him do the job, Kurt said, “I want to bottom.”  
  
“After this,” Sebastian said, reaching behind him to spread his cheeks, trying to tempt Kurt into hurrying up. It worked.  
  
“I _oh_ \- I won’t last that long,” said Kurt as he sunk into Sebastian slowly.  
  
“Well you’ll have to.”  
  
Sweat was beading on his forehead with effort it took to not come. Kurt squeezed his eyes shut to keep himself from looking at the TV, a single glance at which would be enough to make him lose control. In the end, it didn’t matter because the combined moans from both Sebastian’s were enough to break the last of Kurt’s resolve and he shuddered forward as relief flooded every tense muscle in his body.  
_  
  
 _“Urgh!”  
  
“What now?” Sebastian asks tiredly.  
  
“The lighting is all wrong!” Kurt says, oozing frustration as he runs a hand through his hair. “It’s not working out the way I want.”  
  
Sebastian’s leaning against the window in their lounge, looking like something out of Kurt’s wet dreams -  **exactly**  like something out Kurt’s wet dreams, to be honest - with the sleeves of his white button up rolled up to his elbows, black bowtie undone around his neck. He looks just like he did the night of Kate and John’s wedding, so distractingly gorgeous that Kurt wants to screw his plans of filming them and get straight to the good part. But he’s the one who had insisted that they get the tripod and camera and film themselves before they did this because the opportunity was perfect. It’s been the only thing on his mind since Sebastian walked out of their bedroom hours ago, ready to leave for Blaine’s engagement party, the only thing that kept Kurt from breaking his champagne flute at the sight of Tyler’s face throughout the evening (he still doesn’t like the guy).  
  
“Kurt.” His name is lost amidst the sigh that accompanies it as Sebastian pushes off from the window and moves into Kurt’s personal space. “Can we just forget about your obsession with shooting porn for tonight?”  
  
“Private entertainment,” Kurt corrects automatically as Sebastian’s arm circle his waist. “And no. I don’t want to forget. You look gorgeous and I want to remember this.”  
  
“You can remember it without filming it, too.” They’re swaying on the spot now, a whisper of a dance that Kurt falls into without noticing.  
  
“No,” Kurt says with a stubborn shake of his head. “Give me a minute. I’ll figure out what to -” Sebastian doesn’t give him a minute. He leans down and cuts off Kurt’s sentence with his mouth, tip of his tongue pressing against the seam of Kurt’s lips before he closes his lips around it and kisses him soundly.  
  
“You know,” says Kurt, turning his face to break the kiss and nudge his nose against Sebastian’s. “I never thought you’d be so indifferent about all of this. I thought it would be the kind of thing you’re into given your narcissistic personality and all.”  
  
“I’m not the only narcissist in this house, baby.” Sebastian says, taking Kurt’s hand and lifting it up to thread his fingers through his.  
  
“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re not even the least bit interested in helping me out.”  
  
“Who says I’m not interested?” Sebastian leans against Kurt, forcing him to dip back, supported only by the arm still firmly encircled around his waist. Kurt lets his head fall back, neck bared for Sebastian to press a kiss against his adam’s apple. It’s surprisingly relaxing. He straightens up again and Sebastian says, “I just find it incredibly funny how seriously you treat your porn.”  
  
“ **Private entertainment**.” Sebastian kisses the crease between Kurt’s eyebrows and laughs quietly, body quivering under Kurt’s palms. “Whatever,” Kurt mutters but he’s smiling. Sebastian’s touches are tender, leaning towards romantic and sensual, a combination Sebastian pulls off effortlessly and as he’s admitted, only ever with Kurt. It’s actually perfect for what Kurt wants. “I think I’ve figured it out,” he says.  
  
“Figured what out?” Sebastian asks, palm sliding under Kurt’s shirt to rest against the small of his back.  
  
“How to fix the lighting.” Kurt steps away from Sebastian and turns the lamp off, leaving them to blink in the light slanting in through the windows.  
  
“I don’t think that’s going to help your shot,” says Sebastian.  
  
“There isn’t going to be any shot,” Kurt says, slowly unbuttoning his shirt and draping it over the back of the couch.  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“You’re right. I don’t need to film this to remember it.”  
  
“You can if you want,” Sebastian says, watching Kurt step out of his pants and boxers, still fully dressed himself. “I don’t mind. You’re not the only one benefiting from this new hobby.”  
  
Kurt smiles and moves back to Sebastian, threading his fingers through the small hairs at the base of his neck. “Oh I know,” he says. “But I changed my mind. We’ll look better filming in daylight. For now...” He brings their mouths together again, the hand not in Sebastian’s hair fumbling with the button of his slacks. “Keep the shirt on.” _  
_  
  
Lube bottle being uncapped, Sebastian’s fingers slowly opening him up, the distant sound of skin slapping against skin as they continued to fuck on camera - Kurt was in the middle of all of it with a sort of relaxed, sleepy awareness. His body opened up for Sebastian’s fingers easily, loose and pliant after his last orgasm and too heavy to move from his current position flat on his back. It meant he couldn’t see the TV but the light of it throwing shadows on Sebastian’s body was equivalent to porn for him.  
  
 _Private entertainment_ , a voice corrected him in his head.  
  
Kurt closed his eyes, letting himself surrender to touch, gripping Sebastian’s bicep loosely as he tipped his head back against a cushion and let out a quiet sigh.  
  
“ _Ah_ ,” his body twitched with oversensitivity when Sebastian’s finger brushed his prostrate.  
  
“Ssh,” Sebastian hushed him, withdrawing his fingers for a brief few seconds before pressing them right back in. Kurt didn’t have the energy to cry out when they rubbed over his prostrate again but his body jerked harder this time, simultaneously trying to twist away and press closer. “Do you want me to stop?” asked Sebastian.  
  
“No,” Kurt said without opening his eyes. “Keep going.”  
  
“Thought so.” He didn’t tease Kurt for too long, finally pulling his fingers away a few seconds later to wipe them on the sheet. Kurt opened his eyes when he felt Sebastian start to push into him slowly, the relief on his face mirroring what Kurt felt. He realized belatedly that a sudden silence had fallen around them and it took another hazy second for him to figure out why.  
  
“Why’d you pause the video?” he asked, hitching a leg around Sebastian’s thigh.  
  
“It’s not like you can see from here.” Sebastian’s head dipped down, sweaty forehead pressing against Kurt’s as he finally sunk in the rest of the way. Words were lost after that in favor of rocking together in a rhythm much gentler than before; long, hard thrusts that left both of them gasping for air. Kurt’s body was humming with sensitivity, amplifying every point of contact between their bodies. It made keeping his eyes open a struggle but Kurt didn’t want to close them when Sebastian was watching him so intently.  
  
Sebastian came with a low groan, cock throbbing and spilling inside of Kurt with a final, hard thrust. The feeling of Sebastian coming inside of him was enough to tip Kurt over the edge for the third time that night, and he spurted weakly between their bodies, turning his head to catch Sebastian’s mouth. They were still kissing when Sebastian slipped out of him and on to his side. His fingers touched Kurt’s cheek before skimming up his temple to card through his hair.  
  
“I can’t feel my legs,” Kurt said, huffing out a laugh when Sebastian tried to urge him on top of him.  
  
Flopping on to his back, Sebastian sighed. “Me neither, actually.”  
  
“And my back kind of hurts too.”  
  
“What about those three orgasms I gave you?”  
  
Kurt smiled. “Yeah. Those were nice.”  
  
He craned his neck to catch an upside down glimpse of the paused picture on the screen. “We still have three left,” he said absently.  
  
Sebastian, who had been staring at the ceiling, turned his gaze to Kurt with eyebrows raised and asked, “Orgasms?”  
  
“No, you idiot. I was talking about the videos.”  
  
“Oh.” Sebastian laughed and lifted his head up to look at the TV. “We can watch them later.”  
  
Kurt had no doubt that he would come back to watch every video multiple times or at least until he had jerked himself raw but for now, all he wanted was to get off the floor, get clean and crawl into bed with his husband. If only he could gather the strength to move. Sebastian looked enviously peaceful next to him, eyes closed and chest rising and falling evenly, like he was already slipping into unconsciousness. Kurt nudged him with his elbow. “Sebastian?”  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“Can you carry me to the bedroom?”  
  
Sebastian opened his eyes and tilted his head to smile at Kurt. “Why the hell would I do that?”  
  
“Because I’m too fucked out to move.”  
  
“So am I.”  
  
“Are you planning to spend the night on the floor, then?”  
  
“Maybe.” Kurt nudged him again, harder this time. Sebastian sighed and pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Fine.”  
  
He picked up the TV remote from next to Kurt as he stood up, switching it off along with the lamp. Bathed in darkness, he was just a shadow as he moved through the lounge and Kurt watched him sleepily, waiting for the arms to slip under him. When they finally did, he couldn’t stop the yelp that escaped him at the suddenness and shakiness with which Sebastian scooped him up, a yelp that quickly turned into a laugh as he locked his arms around Sebastian’s neck and leaned his head against his shoulder.  
  
“I enjoy the fact that you’re taller than me,” he said.  
  
Sebastian only grunted in response as he shouldered open the door to their bedroom. He lowered Kurt on to the bed gently, fighting Kurt’s attempts to pull him down on top of him. “Hang on,” he said. “I need to get something to clean us up.” He returned with a warm, damp towel a minute later but instead of giving it to Kurt, began wiping off the dried come himself. Kurt stretched back against the pillows, letting Sebastian clean him up. It was just a stupid towel, but Kurt felt pampered nonetheless.  
  
“Come here,” he said softly when Sebastian had finished. Throwing the towel aside, Sebastian finally let Kurt pull him down to the bed and kiss him. His tongue flicked out, soft against the roof of Kurt’s mouth, familiar. Kurt sucked on it gently, releasing it only to take Sebastian’s upper lip between his own lips and press a series of small kisses against it. “You know I love you?”  
  
“I think so. Yeah.” Sebastian said with a small grin. The fingers of both hands carded through Kurt’s hair, playing lightly with the strands. “I love you too.”  
  
“That’s comforting to know,” Kurt teased, eyes crossing as Sebastian leaned in closer to his face. Their lips met, too lazy to kiss properly but it was satisfying nonetheless.  
  
“Move over a bit,” Sebastian said a second letter, nudging Kurt with his knee. “I want to lie down properly.”  
  
Kurt turned over so his back was pressed along Sebastian’s chest and drew Sebastian’s arm around his waist after they’d tugged the sheets up over themselves. Threading their fingers together, he raised their joined hands to his lips and kissed the back of Sebastian’s hand. Sebastian continued to press small kisses to the back of Kurt’s ear, his neck and shoulder, movements getting slower each second. His breathing finally slowed, but he didn’t shift away from Kurt’s body like he usually did in his sleep. He would, eventually. Sebastian couldn’t sleep in one position throughout the night if someone bound his hands and legs. But for those few minutes, he remained wrapped around Kurt like a second skin. Kurt breathed deeply, and blinked sleepily at the windows in front of him.  
  
He was nodding off to sleep himself, nose buried in their pillows that held the distinctive  _them_  scent of sweat, shampoo and cologne. He realized, seconds before he fell asleep that this was the same position he’d imagined that first morning after waking up in his apartment after the accident; lying on the bed with someone’s arm wrapped around his waist, the tingling of his skin where lips had touched the back of neck - comfortable, safe, loved.


End file.
